Monday, January 26, 2009

Home alone.

Sometimes I hate III's job.

He loves what he does. He doesn't always love it day-to-day because of the red tape that goes along with any government job, but he believes in what he's doing and is happy he decided to take that path.

I don't always like what he does. As a LEO who works in the field, he is sometimes in potentially unsafe situations. He also is periodically called out at the last minute (although not as much as when he was on his old squad).

On Friday night he told me he was going to a training on Saturday afternoon. I asked "When did you find out?" and the answer was "Several weeks ago." I told him that I would prefer he tell me when he finds out. I see the weekends as time we get to spend together. If I know he is going to have to work, I can try to make other plans. This month he has also volunteered to work on a case that is not related to his squad. He told me he'd have to work Friday night, next Saturday night, and the following week on Saturday afternoon. Then last night, he told me he had to work tonight too! He has to work 2 nights a week for at least this month.

Grrr. I know there are people who work a lot more than that, I just want to spend time with him. And I worry how it will work once we have kids. And, to be completely honest, I don't love where we live. I have grown to love our house, but I don't really like location. Before I met III, I lived in a city neighborhood. I loved my condo and I loved my neighborhood. I had to walk B-dog every day, but it was good for me exercise wise, and I think also mentally, to get outside and walk around. Our neighborhood now, though it is in the suburbs, is just not walkable. There are not sidewalks on every street, and even when there are, people often park on them or they are blocked in some other way (snow, a tree that has overgrown, construction). It's not a very interesting place to walk. And there are no stores or restaurants that I can walk to. If I want to go anywhere, I have to get in my car. I gained ten pounds after moving there!!! We have a yard that the dogs use as their potty, but I know it would benefit my dogs to walk them more. However, it's so unenjoyable (especially with two 70lb dogs in a sidewalk-challenged area) that I have a hard time motivating myself to do it.

So I feel very isolated when I'm home alone. KB lives on the other side of the metro-area. I don't have any friends nearby and my neighbors, while very nice, are not people with whom I have much in common. We moved to the 'burbs as a compromise- III does not like the state we live in or the city we live near and would like to move to a completely different region. So I compromised by moving outside of the city. Six weeks later, he was sent to DC for two months for work. At least now he's home most of the nights. I know he has to do his job, and it's important to him that he work hard at it and do it well. But still- when he's working so much, it makes me unhappy.

Exaggerating the frustration around that situation is the fertility stuff. There are so many mommies' groups that are usually organized by neighborhood or town. KB has met so many women through those, as well as the daycare at her gym. But I don't have a baby.

There are also lots of singles groups- I belonged to those when I was single. But, at least in our area, I haven't been able to find a young couples' group. Plus, III has a bit of social anxiety (ironic, considering what he does) and gets nervous meeting new people. As much as he likes his job, he doesn't like to talk about work, and people usually ask. He's not great at small talk. So groups like that can be hard.

So I guess I'm lonely. When he's not home, I'm lonely. I have always been a very independent person who didn't mind being on my own- so it's really frustrating to feel this way. It goes against the picture I have of myself in my mind.


Reya Mellicker said...

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. Midwinter is a perfect time to get gloomy.

The light's coming back, though ... is that helpful to say that, or just annoying?

Just me said...

Helpful. :) I live for December 21 because I know it will just get lighter and lighter....

Frenchie said...

Hi Just Me--
Sorry you're feeling lonely. I can relate. My husband is gone a lot and I don't really have a "community" where I live.

Thanks for playing along with the MEME on my blog.

Here's your assignment:

The letter "F" like friend. Of which I have found many through this blogosphere of like-minded women. 10 favorite things that start with the letter F. Have fun!!

A. said...

I hear you. When I moved to the suburbs for a brief period, I also gained 10 lbs. And this was in a place with perfectly walkable sidewalks!