Saturday, January 17, 2009

Bitch and Moan

So this post is likely to be the exact opposite of Wednesday's post...

For the past 24 hours or so I have been in a wicked mood. I don't know what triggered it or how to make it go away. When III (my husband**) came home I told him "I am in a bad mood!" Later he asked me why... after some contemplation this is what I determined: I am feeling like everything just kind of sucks right now.

Don't get me wrong, I am still grateful for all those same things I listed on Wednesday. But some of the other shit is getting me down.

  • My work is not feeling at all fulfilling right now, and hasn't for a while. I'm beginning to question whether this is the right job for me and whether I'm even good at it.
  • The weather sucks. It's January. Ugh. It's freezing cold out and windy. And the dark kills me. At least we're past the equinox or whatever, so little by little we have more light each day.
  • I am not happy with my body right now but am having a hard time finding the energy to work out. I know it is supposed to give you more energy once you start working out, but getting into the cycle has been hard for me.
  • I just turned 33, which I know is not that old, but for some reason I am all of a sudden hyper-aware that I can no longer put on good-ass-jeans and a cute top, go out dancing, and pick up a cute, inappropriate guy at a bar. I love my husband, and I have no interest in going to pick up another guy, appropriate or inappropriate. It's just the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to even if I wanted to that bothers me.
  • My dog is sick. I'm glad she is temporarily doing better and am soaking up every moment I can of cuddles and dog kisses. But she is going to die, sooner rather than later, from lymphoma and I don't know what I'm going to do when that happens.
  • I am still not pregnant. When I went for my first IUI, the doctor told me my ultrasound and hormone levels were perfect. That, when people do get pregnant, their levels look like mine. But I didn't. And I didn't last month either (even though we didn't do the IUI we did do the medication). So we're smack in the middle of another cycle (ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday with 2 IUIs sometime before the weekend ends). Meanwhile, everyone else around me is getting pregnant. With more than one baby in some cases.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I know I have lots of good stuff going on and there are people who have it much worse than me, but that doesn't make me feel less crabby, it makes me feel MORE crabby because then I feel like a selfish person for moping around about my issues.

I guess I'm going to go read my list of things I'm grateful for. Maybe it will make me feel better. :(

**I want to stop typing "my husband" every time I talk about "my husband"... I know the standard is DH. One of the blogs I read calls her husband TH (trophy husband) which I think is hysterical. Another called her husband by some initials that are based on a nickname she had for him. I'm not feeling especially clever. My husband is a "third" (as in John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt the third) and III is easy to type. So from this point on, he will be known as III.

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