Then again...

I slept on the couch last night.

Not the actual couch in the living room. In one of our spare rooms we have a futon that is set up as a couch, but it is the futon that was my bed for my first 5 years out of college. It's become where the dogs sleep when they aren't on the dog pillow next to my bed.

I don't feel like rehashing the details, but lets just say that III was a jerk. He was super pissy and I ended up in tears while he went to sleep. I decided to cuddle up with the dogs. I didn't sleep as well as I would have in my bed on a night when I wasn't crying.... but I was too upset and mad to sleep well next to III.

It's one of those situations where he probably feels in the right and I feel in the right... grrr.

I just can't tell if he's just in a bad mood about going back to work or if it's something with me. Last day of vacation, I had stuff to do but I also took some time to unwind from travel and enjoy my last day. I wrote a worksheet and dealt with some stuff with the dogs, but I also read my book, organized my vacation pictures, and caught up on Greys. He uses that last day to do. He cleaned up dog poop, went shopping, looked over tax stuff. So I think he gets pissed like he's doing work and I'm sitting around.

The thing is, I do stuff around the house- I'm mostly in charge of anything dog (medications, food, vet visits, grooming). I also pay all the bills and deal with most of the money stuff. I planned the entire vacation- air, hotel, car... but his tolerance for mess is much lower than mine. Dishes in the sink bother him before they bother me. Stuff that doesn't get put away bothers him before it bothers me. So I think he feels like he does more of that stuff around the house than I do.

I feel like I will never be the "good" wife. I am very right brained when it comes to my physical surroundings. I am terrible at working out organizational systems that I can maintain. If he were to set something up in terms of that, I could make an effort to maintain it, but honestly it would probably eventually fall apart. It is definitely one of my downfalls.

I have brought this up with him before, but when he's not in the middle of it he's very diplomatic and says "oh, sometimes it bothers me, but I deal with it and then blow off some steam by working out or playing video games, and then I remind myself that I have bad habits that you have to deal with too." Which is a really great answer. But when he's having a snit because the dishwasher isn't emptied, and is banging around and not talking, it makes me feel like I am a failure at wifery. And I don't want to bring it up then because he'll end up pissy and I'll end up crying.

So I think that all was a catalyst last night. He didn't say that it was. He didn't say anything about any of that. But that's my interpretation. And when I do tell him that is how I am feeling, he's always all surprised! Before our vacation, some of that was going on, and I finally asked him: "Are you upset with me about something?" His surprise showed on his face. "No!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. Why??" I told him it just felt like he was. I guess he isn't realizing the impact his mood has on me and on the atmosphere around the house....

So not the best day back. My plan for tonight is to go to bed early. Since I didn't sleep super well last night (although M-dog is a great cuddler) and I always have a harder time the second morning back, I figure an early bedtime is probably a good idea...