Monday, June 14, 2010

Wax on, wax off...

I went out to visit my cousin this weekend. She's getting married in the fall, and I'm a bridesmaid. I had to get 'fitted' for my dress. (which was not fun... my waist has grown 6" in the four years since my fitting for my own wedding dress. Ugh.)

After our trip to the dress store, she asked me if I had any desire to "visit Hannah". Hannah is her waxing woman. She does an amazing job on her eyebrows. My eyebrows, however, were not what needed waxing....

So we went. And she took my cousin first. Cousin was getting an eyebrow and a bikini wax. Hannah was apparently running behind, as 2 girls came in at 3pm for a 3pm appointment, while I was still waiting. So Hannah's colleague, Barb, asked if she could take care of me. I didn't care... I didn't have any connection to Hannah, and it's not like I haven't had eight hundred new people see my business in the last year.

So she takes me in back. I asked her if she wanted me to take off my underwear completely (some places have those little disposable things...) and she said yes. I was wearing a maxi dress, so I took off my tangas, hiked up my dress, and climbed up on the table.

I should have read the warning signs better. First of all, she didn't ask me what I preferred in terms of how much to wax. I don't know why I didn't think to specify before she began. Second of all, she was this little teeny Chinese woman who could barely reach the table. Why didn't I think that might make it difficult?

The third was really the red flag though.

Barb has me up on the table with my legs spread eagle, and the door flies open! I throw my dress down between my legs as Hannah storms in. Cousin had mentioned I didn't need an eyebrow wax because I tend to overpluck (it's true) and Hannah apparently just had to take a look right then. Luckily, no one was in the hall or they would have probably seen all the way up to my tipped uterus.

Anyway. From there it just got worse. I've had bikini waxes before, but this... this was the most traumatic waxing I've ever had. Barb took it all off. And it HURT. I have a huge bruise right in the crease where my leg meets my 'area'. At one point, I almost stopped her. It was like that scene in 40 Year Old Vir.gin. I would have left there with only half of my parts bald. So I let it continue, even though I was ready to jump off of the table.

Plus, she was all up in my bits. Pushing, pulling moving things around. Places that usually only my husband goes...

Next she went after strays with a tweezers. Ouch!!! Ow!!! Enough!!!!! But it wasn't over- she had me turn over. This is not something I've ever had a waxer ask... and she took care of my bum... and my hips... and my back. At this point, I was so dumbfounded I couldn't even protest. She told me I had "lots of hair" (awesome. Just what a girl wants to hear...) and that they usually charge for that, but she was just going to do it for free... I think it was because she had caused so much pain on the other side. At this point, I glanced at her and noticed she was sweating- beads of sweat on her upper lip and forehead. Geez. I felt like Sasquatch. I have quite a bit of eastern European in me, but I didn't think my hairiness was THAT bad!!!

Finally it was over. I was literally shaking as I got off of the table. I was so relieved to be done! I dropped my dress down and picked up my underwear... and then Barb asks "Can I see it?" She wanted to admire her handiwork, I guess. I was like "Um, okay..." At that point, I figured what the hell? So I picked up my dress and stood there, naked from the waist down. There you go, lady.

I was so glad to get out of there... I texted III and told him "Cousin just took me to her waxing salon and I had the most thorough bikini waxing of my life. I'm a little bit traumatized. You might like it, though. Once I recover..."

I hope he doesn't like it too much, though, because it is the last time it will be like that. It looks like someone else's va-jay-jay; I don't recognize my bald bits. So that will be the last full Brazilian I get- leave me at least a landing strip!

Geez.

12 comments:

Fran said...

Geez you had me in tears! Oh MY GOOOOOD! Definitely something to talk about for ages!! This Barb girl must have thought "If I do a good job she'll be back!" and the tweezers!! Oh my word...I never got to that stage, it sounds like a torture scene!! You did very well in enduring it all, fair play to you my friend!

Shanel said...

this was the best story I could have read on a Monday morning.... glad to know you're ok and you got through it:0)

Frenchie said...

You had me laughing and cringing at the same time--yow!!

jill said...

Holy shit! That is why I'll never ever, ever have that done! hahaha

Anonymous said...

...and that is why I love you. I'm sorry you were traumatized, but that retelling totally made my day. :)

-K

S said...

Yikes! Reading your post reminded me why I never, ever wax my bikini area. My legs and brows are bad enough!

Amaprincess said...

omg! That is too funny! The last time I got my eyebrows done they tried to talk me into a brazilian. I said Hell No! I'll take care of my own stuff!

"Jay" said...

Tweezers should never come near your bikini area, ever! Time to invest in laser hair removal. It is so much better!!! It hurts, and yes there is some compromising positions, BUT the hair goes away....forever!

DaisyGal said...

I was "ouching" right along with you..ouch, ouch,..and then the tweezers, I swear to G*d I almost fainted. (VAPORS) LOL

I am sooooo sorry!!! I hope you have recovered a little since writing this, I give you a lot of credit for having it done in the first place, I'm a razor kind of girl.

:)

m said...

oh.ma.gahd. Speechless. Laughing to tears, but speechless. And a little bit dizzy just envisioning it all. You are far, FAR braver than I. Damn.

Katie said...

Ha! That's a hilarious story! I hope you are recovering well!

Suzy said...

haha I can imagine it was terrible for you while it was happening but its just so bad its funny! I cant believe she wanted to see her handiwork! What a nutter...kudos to you for sticking it out I probably would have run away halfway through!