Monday, June 7, 2010

Too much

There is so much going on right now that I haven't been able to blog. Not because of time, but because there is just too much to say. I can't organize it all into coherent thoughts.

So I guess I'll just start by focusing on one thing. Moving.

This situation is nearly unbearable for me lately. Especially after our argument a few weeks ago. III says one thing but I wonder if he really means it after some of the stuff he said to me. I have agreed to move. But to be honest, I'm not happy about it. He told me that he was hesitant to accept my agreement to move because he didn't want "to be selfish". But he wants to be with his dying father. So if we stay here just because I love it here and don't want to live there because... well, because it's there... then who is really the selfish one?

But I can't stand how I feel right now. I hate that I'm leaving behind EVERYTHING.

I am leaving the job I've been at for eleven years. Yes, I haven't been totally happy here lately, but I'm known and respected here. I know the routine. No longer having the choice to stay or go makes me want to throw up.

I am leaving our house. Our town isn't ideal, but we have a really nice house that together we have turned into a home. III planted the trees in the backyard, and B-dog is buried out there.

I am leaving my students. I love having former students come in and visit or running into them out in the town- it makes my whole day.

I am leaving my doctors. Dr. Z who knows all my IF shit. I will have my first baby with some OB I don't know instead of Dr. C, who is my favorite doctor I've ever had.

I am leaving my friends. I am leaving KB who is like a sister to me. Her babies who I love.

I am leaving my city. I love my city. I love the architecture here. The bustle. The character of the city. The attitude of the people. The colors of the fall. The access to the ocean.

I dread starting over. I dread being back in a place I didn't like living. And the anticipation of it is the worst part of all.

But I love my husband. I feel like I'm living in "Midnight Train to Georgia".
L.A. proved too much for the man,
So he's leaving the life he's come to know,
He said he's going back to find
What's left of his world,
The world he left behind
Not so long ago.
He's leaving,
On that midnight train to Georgia,
And he's going back
To a simpler place and time.
And I'll be with him
On that midnight train to Georgia,
I'd rather live in his world
Than live without him in mine.

We're not in LA, and we're not going to Georgia... but other than that. He needs to leave to return to his world. And I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine.


S said...

Yours is a very tough position to be in. I'm sorry. I can certainly understand how you feel about giving up so many things that are familiar and that you love about your current city.

I hope you are able to find peace with your decision.

AJ48 said...

Oh my you are in a tough position. I am assuming that the 2 places are no where near each other? It seems like you pretty much made up your mind although it will be a big transition for you. I hope that it will be easier for you than you think. And who knows maybe a big change will be good for you! Try and see the bright side to it..and your right at least you will have your husband by your side!

caitsmom said...

Wow, this is difficult. You've done so much work on this. You know what you're leaving and what will be difficult and yet seem to have a solid grounding on your decision. Change sucks. Scheeeeuuuu. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I feel for you so much, having to go through all of this while dealing with your loss. I hope you can have your surgery before you leave your current city so that you'll be ready to start anew once you are settled in the new town. Are there any good clinics nearby or will you need to travel?

Anonymous said...

And that was Jan posting above, btw, sorry about that.

DaisyGal said...

I am so sorry I got here late for this post, and now I can't type through the tears.
I felt every emotion with you...reading this. That even if your life wasn't perfect where you are, it's comfortable and stable and what you know.
To be IF and to be going somewhere where there are more unknowns..well that breaks a heart..doesn't it.

I know that you'll be ok...I know that the move and the anticipation of it will be worse than what actually happens, but until then, mourn and grieve, cry your tears and get ready for the healing.

thinking of you.