Thursday, May 20, 2010

I feel disgusting.

I can't believe how fat I am right now.

Today is supposed to be near 80. I shaved my legs and got ready to wear a skirt and something short sleeved....

None of my clothes fit me.


I'm in jeans and a sleeveless sweater that, when I bought it, was too big (but it was on sale and I didn't try it on).

As of this morning, I weigh twenty-seven pounds more than I did on my wedding day.

This is not okay.

I have been planning to start some sort of workout, but so far it has not happened. I have had a really hard time getting motivated...

So I think I'm going to do something I never ever thought I would consider.

Personal trainer.

III will kill me for spending money on that... he thinks it's a waste. "Just work out!" he says. As if it's just that easy. Because for him, it is. But I hate to work out. And I'm tired and not motivated to do it on my own (even by the roll of fat hanging over my jeans).

So I think I'm going to do it. I have to do something.

In other news...

III came home devastated last night. The summer plan that he thought he had with his job had a wrench thrown into it. I wish I could go into it further, but it's f-ed up and complicated... basically, if we go now, we can't go later (like if his dad has surgery or, worse, is dying) and even going now isn't for as much time as he was led to believe.

First he was pissed. He told me he didn't want to talk about it.

Then he cried.

I insisted that he go to work today and ask what he has to do to take unpaid family leave. We can survive for two months without his salary. That's why we have savings- for emergencies like this.

I hope he does. He didn't say anything after I told him that, but his mood seemed lighter and he seemed to feel better throughout the evening. I'm hoping that means he agrees. If he doesn't, I'll have to take more drastic measures.

Because even though I don't really want to... we're going. We have to go. We can't keep going on like we have been. He has to be with his dad. We have to have a change of scenery. We both need a break from worrying about work, when it seems so trivial compared to everything else going on in our lives.


Prairie Anonymous said...

I totally understand. I'm way way bigger than I was at my wedding 2/5 years ago. For me it was being ok gaining weight while pregnant & then having the weight stay after the pregnancies ended. Plus misery loves comfort food.

6 weeks ago I hit my breaking point. My DH his the same, he finds motivation to exercise on his own. I need motivation. I've joined cur.ves & it is totally working for me. I feel a respoinsiblity to my 3 days a week and I get there and sweat my buns off. I looked into a trainer, but knew they'd assign 'homework' which I'd never do.

One thing for you to consider, you might want to commit to an exercise plan which will travel with you for the summer. That could be a gym that's in both places, or a regime that the trainer sets up.

irrationalexuberance said...

go for the trainer. Seriously, you deserve a little treat (think of it that way) to make you feel better after what you've been through. I usually hate working out, but find that when I do I feel so much better. View it as a gift to yourself.

Sorry about III's work -- hopefully that will sort itself out soon. He could probably use FMLA or something if he needed to be with his father..., it's worth looking into.

Kakunaa said...

Make it happen, woman. You guys need the break....and perhaps a change of scenery will help you to get out and do some walking, things like that so that you can lose that weight that's driving you crazy. I hope you get to go....

Sarah said...

Ugh! I cant seem to get my ass in gear either. I HAVE to lose weight. This is ridiculous. I just have no desire what so ever to work out. Meh.