Monday, May 10, 2010

Hanging on by a thread

I vacillate between feeling optimistic and pregnant, and feeling that this pregnancy is doomed. Thursday seems really far away, and I dread finding out that bad news has been dragged out for a week. Before the bad u/s, I ordered 2 pairs of maternity jeans from o.ld na.vy. They came after the u/s... I almost sent them back, but I'm so uncomfortable in my regular clothes right now, I figured what the hell. They aren't the full panel kind- one is the low waist and another the roll down. They are comfy. But, even though I don't truthfully believe in this kind of luck, I feel like I'm tempting fate by wearing them.

I did a little googling yesterday... I wanted to see how high the chance of miscarriage is with a low fetal heartbeat. I was surprised to find that 60% of pregnancies with an early low h/b go on to be successful. I realize that 60% is only a little more than half, but in my mind I felt like it was a much stronger indicator. Many of the pregnancies that don't progress are because of chromosomal issues, which we shouldn't have. BUT I also know that in our situation the heartbeat dropped, so that makes me nervous as well.

Something I thought of this weekend that is also making me nervous.... I believe that Dr. Z mentioned that the fibroid did not seem to increase in size over the 4 days between our last 2 u/s. I realized this weekend that during that time I had stopped taking progesterone... I started up again after Thursday's appointment, so now I'm nervous that that fucker is growing in there and sucking up my uterine blood supply. Dr. Z didn't say anything about progesterone specifically, it's just my own neurotic worrying brain.

Mother's Day has never been a painful day for me. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm not really big on those "hallmark holidays"- not even valentine's day. III got me a mother's day card "from the dogs" telling me that they "woof" me a lot. :) I did call my mom yesterday, and I ended up giving her the basic outline of what had been going on with us. I didn't tell her specifics of this cycle, but did share that we'd peeled back a lot of layers, and that it was frustrating and time consuming.

I also saw KB, Miss M and Baby N this weekend. Sooooo sweet. I love seeing the babies of those I love, though I think going home to a babyless house was tough. Miss M shared the muffins they had baked with me, we played with these weird sticky bendy things, and shared with me her pride about pooping on the toilet. LOL. I got to hold and feed Baby N. He's a cuddly little thing and I held him on my shoulder after burping him. He snuggled in there and got a good nap. Cutie!!!

Wish me luck hanging in there until Thursday. I am not currently feeling good about the outcome at all. It's impossible not to analyze every symptom (or lack of) and even the ones I have I think "Oh, it's just the progesterone" or "Oh, that's just my dumb stomach acting up...."


Fran said...

You are so much in my thoughts. hang in there, thursday feels like a year away but I'm hopeful you will have a good surprise. Like you, I don't celebrate Hallmark's holidays! Love, Fran

jill said...

Wow you have really been through hell in the past few weeks. I'm hoping so hard for you that your pregnancy continues and that the baby is healthy.

Kakunaa said...

I am so hoping for a good outcome for you, hon. There is only one baby I can be around right now, and when I'm there my friend always has to jokingly say "Tiny stays here". I know how hard it is to go home after that wonderful cuddle empty-handed. I hope baby is healthy....(((HUGS)))

Noelle said...

I pray that everything is going well with your baby. I have seen so many things happen, and pregnancies continue even when doctors think it is impossible. So, I am holding out lots of hope for you and your baby, and I hope that Thursday will come quickly for you.