Due date

Today would have been my due date.

There have been a few things that sting a bit about that. A few friends have recently had babies... including KB. I went to visit her yesterday at the hospital. Baby N is a teeny thing, so sweet and adorable. I got to hold him, and she told me about his birth. It doesn't sting that she had a baby- it stings that we would have had babies who were almost exactly the same age. We would have experienced this together.

Of course, the fact that I am currently pregnant helps ease the sting a bit. It's still so early, I'm not comfortable feeling too excited... but I am just trying to go one step at a time. I am praying that this pregnancy will continue and will result in TWO healthy babies.

This scenario would support my philosophy that good things can come from bad. (It's my variation on "everything happens for a reason" which I just can't personally wrap my brain around.) If my previous pregnancy had progressed, I would not be pregnant with twins right now. I would be a mother to a baby... but it would be a different baby. While, I know I would have loved that baby infinitely, if this pregnancy progresses well and in December we become parents to these twins... I'm sure the joy and the love we will feel will be overwhelming. These will be our babies, and once they are here I'm sure we will be unable to imagine our lives without them.

More detailed update

Yesterday morning was kind of a schizophrenic couple of hours for me. My thoughts ranged from "Well, at least this gets me an early u/s" to "What am I talking about, I probably just lost my pregnancy!"

Then there was traffic. III called me and told me he'd been on the road from work for over half an hour and wasn't sure he was going to make it. I was also stuck in traffic. But it worked out- we were each only about five minutes late. (Well, actually we were 20 minutes late. I thought my appt was at 9:30 but when I looked on my portal after the fact, they actually had me scheduled for 9:15. Whoops.)

They called us back and got me settled up there on the table. (Um, can we talk about how my bruised tailbone/sacrum was VERY unhappy being in that stirrup/internal u/s position?) The whole thing took about 20 minutes, and the tech was giving us no information. She kept telling me to sit still and to hold my breath... I was dying laying there, not knowing what was going on. III decided there needed to be some levity in the room and started making "that's what she said" jokes. He's such an adolescent sometimes. Eventually, she said "Sorry this is taking so long. It's just that everything is so small and it takes a long time to measure." I said "Oh! So there's something in there?" She seemed surprised- "Of course!" Well, geez. I was bleeding all night, I don't think it's unreasonable to think that I might have lost whatever was hanging out in there!

The only other info she gave us was that there were two sacs and two "flickers". I was confused... I thought she was saying that she thought she might have seen heartbeats, but wasn't sure.

Next, we saw the doctor on call. He was a doctor I had never seen before- but he was so awesome. He explained that there was a "clot" on one of the sacs and that when that happens, it obviously has to come out somehow. He said with that knowledge, it makes sense that I was bleeding, and that I should expect more bleeding. He explained it could be ongoing spotting, it could be intermittent bleeding like I had the night before, or that it could all come in one "gush" and be done. I asked, is there anything I should be on the watch for that would be concerning, and he said not really. However, if at any point I was worried or concerned, to call and they would bring me in for an u/s. I asked about cramping. He said that light cramping is normal for any pregnant woman, but especially with a hematoma- my uterus is "irritated" (well, that makes two of us!) so that could cause some cramping.

He told me he could do an internal exam if I wanted him to check my cervix, but his feeling was that since we knew the reason for the bleeding, and we had 2 sacs with perfect measurements and heartbeats (I said- "Oh! She saw heartbeats?!?!") it wasn't necessary. I told him I was all set.

So we left there very relieved. I am keeping my appointment for Monday, and I'm also going to request that I still have another u/s (as I would have if I hadn't had this emergency u/s) since that would be post 8w, which was when we lost the last pregnancy.

One step at a time... but so far so good. :) Can't wait for Monday to get further assurance that everything is going as planned.

Sigh of relief.

Everything is ok for now.

Lara- you were right. It's a hematoma on one of the sacs.

That's right. I said one of the sacs. There are two. :) Also two heartbeats.

I'll be back with a longer explanation later, but I knew you'd all be waiting for an update. Thank you so much for your comments, support, and cyber hugs. :)

Seeing red.

I'm bleeding.

I called and talked to the nurse- she scheduled me for a 9:30am ultrasound.

Damn it.

I take it back!!!!!!!

You know when you hear someone who is pregnant complaining about symptoms? And you think "Oh please. I'd love to have that problem."

Ugh. I take it back.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very pleased to be pregnant. And I know that this will be worth it....

...but I am not down with this nausea. Ugh. I couldn't even eat breakfast this morning. Throughout the day, it's gotten a little better but still not great. And I may feel this way for another 6-8 weeks!!!!

If someone asked me "Would you rather the nausea go away or would you rather be nauseous and have a baby?" the answer is obvious.

It just sucks right now. Blech.

Project IF

This week (April 24-May 1) is National Infertility(IF) Awareness Week. Visit Stirrup Queens for an explanation of Project IF.

What IF our infertility journey drives a wedge between my husband and I from which we can not recover?

As I get older, I see more and more friends and peers who are separating and divorcing. There are some that have not surprised me, while others seem to come out of nowhere. A mentor of mine always says "You can't see into someone else's relationship," and it's true. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Still, when I hear about these- especially those that surprise me- I can't help thinking "If they can't make it, how do we know we can?"

Marriage is work. When I was single, while I knew marriage wasn't easy, I never could have imagined the stress we would encounter, just within the first three short years of our marriage. It's not just the infertility- but infertility is a huge piece of it.

Dealing with the many aspects of infertility is unarguably stressful. It is stressful to an individual as well as to a relationship. It seems the more often you fail, the worse you feel.

In my case, as I've mentioned before, III and I deal with stress in totally different ways. He withdraws and wants to be alone. I reach out and want comfort and company. This is something we've been able to verbalize to each other, but it doesn't take away the difficulties, the stress, and sometimes the hurt that goes along with it.

During the brief time I was pregnant, there was a lightness in our relationship we hadn't experienced for quite a while. A hope. Anticipation. When we got the news that, yet again, there would be no baby, it was like a heavy curtain fell over us.

This recent positive beta has not come with that same lightness. In fact, I feel like the last two weeks have been darker than things have been since our miscarriage. At one point, III expressed to me that he is not letting himself even hope this will go further, because it is too hard if we have another failure. I also know he is angry to have found out that our problems are "his fault." Beyond those few comments, however, he's been silent.

I know we should talk about it. That communication is what is going to keep us connected. But I get tired. Tired of always being the one who has to initiate. Tired of being the one who has to manage the state of our relationship. Tired of being the one who has to manage the state of our fertility!

But I keep doing it. Even though it's hard. Even though I'm tired. Because I want us to work. And I keep hoping beyond hope that this will work and we will be parents. That the cliche is true; there is a light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

I love III more than I could have understood I would have the ability to love anyone. I imagine babies with his eyes, and those little back dimples he has above his butt. I dream of watching him fall in love with daddy's girl and seeing him swell with pride watching little tiger grow up into a man.

I know that having a baby is not going to fix our communication differences. I know that it is not going to heal my father-in-law's busted heart. It is not going to make III fall in love with the city in which we live. Not only will it not only solve our naughty-dog issues, but it will likely add to them...

But it will allow us to see the wonder of the world through our child's eyes. It will bring my in-laws, as well as my own parents, happiness in their last years (whether it be 2 or 20). It will introduce us to a new community within the one we already live. It will complete our family- Mom, Dad, kiddo and our pups.

What IF...

...all this work is worth it, because we will fulfill our dream of being parents?
...our relationship as parents enriches our relationship as spouses?
...we make it through this dark place, and come out stronger on the other end?

For a basic understanding of infertility, please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101 .
This url gives the background of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW): www.resolve.org/takecharge.
The original “what if” list: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/.

Can't *anything* ever be easy?

I ended my week of vacation at the Emergency Vet. Peanut and M-dog had a big fight... and M-dog lost. He's a lot stronger than Peanut and threw her across the deck, but she's a lot faster and came back and clamped down on his ear and wouldn't let go.

It was kind of scary and very upsetting. I had been cutting her nails, which she hates, and I think she was pretty freaked out. So when M got too close... it was on. Usually, if a fight starts, Peanut backs down pretty quickly, but there have been a handful of times where she's fought back and neither of them wants to give in.

When I went to pull them apart, she had her teeth in his ear and was shaking her head back and forth... poor M-dog had this look on his face... I did the exact opposite of what they tell you to do and stuck my hand in her mouth to pry open her jaw. Once they were separated, both dogs were fine- they probably would have gone right back to playing together. But M-dog's ear was split open and bleeding.

I took him to the vet- it was the same place we had B-dog put down- and cried and cried. I think I freaked out the staff, because I kept telling them "I know he's okay. It's just a cut." while I sobbed. But it had been such a long day, I was feeling so crappy, III was being such an ass... and then to be back at the place where I had taken B so often for her treatments and then on her last day... too much.

M-dog is fine. He had 5 stitches under anesthesia, but this morning was back to his old self. III is "mad at" Peanut. I told him "She wasn't blameless- M-dog participated as well- and she probably doesn't even remember it." But he's being a pain.

As for how I'm feeling... I was feeling pretty nauseous this morning. I'm feeling little better now, though not 100%. My coffee cup is filled with ginger ale instead of java, and I brought lots of snacks to hopefully stave off any queasiness. I once again had trouble falling asleep last night, and then M-dog woke me a couple of times, so 5:20am came way too fast. I hope to sprint home right at the end of the day to relax and refuel for tomorrow...

6w and nauseous

Today I am 6 weeks. I felt crampy and bloated yesterday, today I'm just nauseous. (But the cramping is gone.) I did not sleep well last night, and I'm sure that's part of why I don't feel well. I wish there was something I could do to make this go away. Ginger ale has helped a bit, and I'm going for the crackers next.

While I know the nausea is probably a good sign, I'm still feeling very in limbo. There's no way to know if this pregnancy is viable until I have an ultrasound, and that's still over a week away. Even then, as I know from experience, there's still no promises.

III has been difficult lately. Last night he wanted a "date night" which usually means dinner then sex. But with how I was feeling I just wasn't up for the second part. I feel bad... it's been over a month. But on the other hand, I resent that to get him to act like he feels close to me I need to sleep with him. I know he loves me. If I bring it up, he always feels bad. But he's your typical guy's guy- he keeps his feelings inside most of the time. When he's upset (about our infertility, about his dad) he closes up. It makes it really hard on me.

He told me last week that it's hard to look forward to this pregnancy after what happened the last time. That he doesn't want to get his hopes up. While I totally understand that, I also resent that he's basically just able to ignore it. I don't want to get my hopes up either, but I can't ignore my crampy uterus, my nauseous stomach, or my swollen, painful breasts. A little obvious support from my husband would be nice.

I'm trying to avoid a nap today, because the last two nights I've had a really hard time falling asleep. My vacation is over tomorrow, so I have to sleep tonight. So I think I just need to feel crappy today, go to bed early, and hope I feel better tomorrow. Meanwhile, I have a ton of stuff I procrastinated all week that I need to get done today.

Happy Sunday to me. :-/

Crampy and cranky.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Embarrassingly, I think part of it has to do with the fact that my cousin got engaged last night. While I'm super excited for her (it's about damn time!), things here have been so cranky and unpleasant that I think I'm a little jealous. Engagement is such a fun, exciting, happy time. We need some fun, exciting, happy times around here... For most couples, the fact that I'm almost 6w pregnant would help with that, but neither of us can allow ourselves to get excited. And to be honest, I'm not sure at what point we'll be able to.

Right now I'm definitely more nervous than excited. I'm having some cramping which is freaking me out a little. It's not the same kind of cramping I've had in the past- it's more to the sides. It's kind of hard to explain. It started out a few nights ago- sometimes when I'd roll over at night I'd get a pain on one side of my lower abdomen. It was almost muscular... but not quite. Yesterday I was having a lot of twinges on the right side, so then I started getting nervous about ectopic. But it's definitely on both sides.

The thing is, it could have nothing to do with pregnancy. It could easily be my bowels or gassiness- these are things I regularly have issues with. Or it could be totally normal pregnancy stuff. I tried to google, and I found both normal and abnormal reasons. So that just freaked me out.

I know I could call my doctor too, but I'm going to wait and see how I feel today. I'm not having any sort of bleeding, and it's not unbearable... plus, I'm prone to freaking out, so... we'll wait and see for now.

ETA: ok, more googling actually suggests I might be having some ligament pain. While it's more common in 2nd trimester, it can occur earlier. I also realized (TMI alert) I don't think I pooped all day yesterday, so it might also be some of that... thank you, progesterone... ;)

I'm going to see how today goes and then call tomorrow if I'm still worrying. :)

My babies.

Tuesday, I watched New Moon for the first time. I am a fan of the books, but I thought the first movie was pretty bad. NM was better... in part, I think, because there was a lot of Jacob and not a lot of Edward.

TL is a much better actor (from what it seemed in the movie) than RP, IMO. But I've been Team Jacob from the first book.

Which I shared on my FB page. One of my former students replied "You sure it aint just the dog thing? im pretty sure youll always side with the dogs,"*

Um... it's true.

I'm a dog person.

In fact... I'm that dog person.

I just spent almost $300 on a bed for M-Dog. What? Yeah. He has bad knees, and at 7 (his birthday was last week- happy birthday, my boy!) is starting to have trouble. III will no longer let the pups sleep in the bed (booooooo!), so all he's got is the lumpy pillow dog bed on the floor. It makes him very limpy. :(

Peanut is wearing a pretty new collar from etsy. She's also currently scar-faced from wrestling with M-dog, and I have all my fingers crossed that my pretty girl will heal and not be left with any scars.

I pout when they won't sit with me on the couch. I sulk if they choose to sit with III over me.

I kiss my dogs. On the mouth.

I know I've said it before, but I still miss my B every single day. I have a big portrait of her on the wall, where a print of a park in Boston, taken by a professional photographer, used to hang. I have a picture of her next to my bed. I still send in my favorite snapshot of her to those silly dog photo contests. Before I go to sleep at night, I reminisce what it felt like to pet her and cuddle her and rub her silly ears.

My dogs are my babies. I have wanted a dog my whole life, but never got one until I was almost thirty. People tell me "God, you need to have a baby"** or "Just wait 'til you have a baby... then things will change." But... is it wrong or weird of me to hope it doesn't?

I know that a baby is a lot of work and time and that, even if I wanted to, I know I won't be able to give the kind of attention to my pups that I do now. But I do hope my strength of feeling for them won't change. I don't think it does for everyone. I have an old coworker who has 2 daughters now, who- in her own words- she is so in love with. But when her pup died- her dog she'd had since she was in college? She couldn't even talk about it, she was so devastated. So I don't necessarily think your feelings have to change.

Another coworker lost his dog to lymphoma about six months before we lost B. He was so, so sad. He told me "I feel weird being so upset... I mean, it could be worse. At least it's not one of my kids!" I told him that I don't think you can compare it. I think how we feel about our dogs are on a totally different plane than how we can feel about another human being- a parent, or a spouse, or even a child. It's not more or better... it's just, and always will be, different.

So, when I finally do have babies, I hope to be totally and utterly in love with them as well. But I also hope that my dogs are still my special sweeties and that I'll still wish that I could take them everywhere I go and that III would let them crawl into bed with me every night.

*I would like to add a disclaimer here that I was not his English teacher... (No offense to her...)
**Yeah, thanks. I'm trying.

Another ICLW

I decided, since I'm home this week on a school vacation, I should participate in ICLW again. I should have plenty of time for commenting and exploring new blogs. :)

For new readers, a link to my whole history is in my side bar. The short version?

After 2 and a half years ttc, one and a half years of working with a fertility specialist, 4 IUIs, 3 IFVs, 1 FET, 1 8w m/c, with some ICSI, PGD and a fairly recent chromosomal dx thrown in for good measure, I'm currently (and cautiously) 5w3d pregnant.

With very high betas this time, I'm sitting around, twiddling my thumbs until my May third 7w1d ultrasound.

In the meantime, I'm playing with my two boxers who are the loves of my life... (oh, and of course my husband, III, too. :) ) and trying to increase my knitting expertise, all while teaching eighth grade and dealing with the day-to-day living.

The symptoms have arrived.

I appear to be having some symptoms over the last couple of days.

My boobs. Oh, my boobs. Ouch. If I could just wear a sports bra with every outfit, I might do okay. Hmm... that's an idea, actually...

My sense of smell seems to be a bit heightened. I feel like I can smell dog pee all the time. Peanut has had accidents here and there, so I don't know if I'm smelling residual pee on the rugs or what. Today, I dragged both area rugs outside and sprayed them down with Nature's Miracle. Tomorrow, I'm going to try using one of those odor sprinkles that you vacuum up. I looked into having them professionally cleaned, but it's like $300. Yikes.

The other is not something that I experienced in my previous but short pregnancy experience.

Sex dreams.

For real. At least four times in the last week. Usually in the morning around when I wake up. I wake up all turned on! Unfortunately, it's usually after III has left, so I can't even use them to my (and his) advantage...

That seems to be the only time I'm interested in doing it though. By the evening, I just feel tired and gross. (Um, can we talk about how the progesterone suppositories don't help with that, either?)

So I guess symptoms are good. Somewhat reassuring, though my symptoms continued after my missed m/c last time...

So yeah. That's it from here. :)

Post op

Do I still call it a WTF appt if the IVF appears to have been successful?

Anyway.

Dr. Z is a really good guy. I walked in and he didn't say "Are you excited?" or even "Congratulations!" He said "Are you feeling cautiously optimistic?" Granted, he's been doing this for a long time with a lot of women, but he is a man and he is a doctor, and lets face it- they can be clueless. But he's not. He followed that up by telling me that I should feel a little more reassured knowing that we transferred 3 good quality (3BB, 3BB and 5AA) blasts that appeared to be chromosomally normal. He said you can get much more reassurance than that.

The one thing I wanted to know was about the testing. The doctor who did the transfer seemed a little confused about what they tested for, so I asked. Dr. Z cleared it up and told me they tested 24 chromosomes- all 22 pairs and the for an x and a y chromosome. I then asked if he knew, of the 14 abnormal embryos, why they were abnormal. So he went into my file... some of them were "complex abnormalities" which means something more than just our #2... this is the type of thing that can happen with any couple's embryos. But we had 5 that were solely affected on chromosome #2. So that's about 25%. I called III to let him know as well, because he seemed so bummed about the 14/20 being abnormal, and when I explained that there were 5 he said "Because of me?" :( I don't want him to feel responsible. It's not his fault. There are a lot of GOOD things about his genes that I want for my babies!!! This one negative thing has hopefully now been taken care of with the PGD.

I saw KB today before my appt. She is 37 weeks pregnant and looks it! It is still hard knowing I would have been right there with her... I would have been due in eleven days. She is upset that the doctors say she has at least a week to go before they'll even consider inducing and that her due date is three weeks away... as I've said before, I'm having a hard time feeling too sorry for her... She loved the blanket I knitted for her baby, though, and I even got to spend a little time with Miss M, which always makes me happy. :)

First ultrasound appointment set.

I made my appt for my first u/s. I wanted to make sure it was closer to 7w than 6w because of what happened the last time. So my appointment is o 5/3, and if my calculations are right I will be 7w1d. So hopefully, we will definitely see a heartbeat... and if not, it will be pretty definite about what's going on. She said my second u/s will be 7-10 days after that. That puts me at a minimum of 8w1d. That also makes me happy, because 8w will be the date I'm very nervous about and I'm happy I will have my post-8w u/s at my clinic and not with crappy u/s doctor.

The woman who makes the appointment (who knows me now since I've talked to her so many times over the last two years) suggested I call my ob to make my first appointment after that 7-10 days. With my last pregnancy, when I called it was hard to find a day because most people call so much earlier. But... I'm afraid to schedule the appointment yet. I feel like it's tempting fate. I know that's crap- I don't even believe in that stuff. But I'm scared.... *sigh*

Symptom watch- my boobs are definitely sore and bit bigger... that's all I've got so far. I should mention that my bloating and other ivf symptoms were so much less this time compared to my previous ivfs. I think it's because I was doing weekly acupuncture the whole time, so I highly recommend it!!!!

Beta #2...

...was 1533.
Phew.

Awesome.

I need to call to make my u/s, probably around 5/1.

One more step in the right direction...

Let it be.

Yesterday, I convinced myself to have a day of excitement. I felt lighter and happy. I know there is a long way to go, but it has to start with a positive beta, right?

Today I'm back to having mixed feelings. Crampiness on the drive in had me nervous, even though I know I had crampiness during my first pregnancy and that it is a typical early pregnancy symptom. Thursday seems forever away, and thinking about the first u/s, which will likely be in early May, makes me cringe. How will I make it through the next three weeks? Then I have to get to the 8 week mark, which is where I lost my last pregnancy. Then the 12 weeks mark. Then to 24 weeks- that's viability, right?

I guess it's just one step at a time- one foot in front of the other. I'm pleased to have such a high beta, as that helps relieve any fear of a potential chemical pregnancy. The nurse who called me yesterday was thrilled. For once, III is more wary than I am. I text messaged him the news yesterday, and his response was "Yay! But now the waiting game begins..."

Assuming this pregnancy progresses, my second trimester will begin around the end of the school year. That means I'll spend the summer in my second trimester, which would be great. I know for most people that is the best time of their pregnancy, and I would really love to have a great summer. We're traveling to visit both of our families in July, so that would be a bonus too. We would have just recently announced the pregnancy, and would be able to celebrate in person with our loved ones.

So I guess in general I'm feeling more hope than fear. We are ready for this baby in so many ways. This is the time. It just has to be.

The results are in....

409!!!

I go back on Thursday for a follow up beta...

..and waiting some more...

So I took another HPT yesterday, and it was darker than the first... but I'm still having some spotting. My beta is tomorrow at 7am, and they usually call by 10 or 11. Now I know it will be positive, the question is what the number will be. I'm shooting for at least a 150. Regardless, I'll have to go back for the second beta on Wednesday, and that's the number that counts...

Thanks for all your comments and supports. I appreciate everyone pulling for me!!

waiting...

So it's hard to get excited by yesterday's two lines when I've now seen them several times before. It's been twelve days since my trigger, so that should be out of my system, right? I'll probably test again tomorrow to see how it looks...

When I talked to the nurse about the meds I can take and whether I can have an xray, she told me that if I'm in a lot of pain they can bump up my beta to Sunday. I didn't, though. If it's really low I'll just be nervous, so I might as well wait until Monday. She also asked if I had any cramping- I guess thinking how a fall can affect a potential pregnancy, but I haven't. I had a little bit of spotting this morning, but I'm reminding myself that it can be totally normal. Especially since I'm shoving progesterone tablets up there three times a day.

I'm home today with my messed up tailbone, laying on an ice pack and watching my DVR. Hopefully resting all weekend will help my ass to heal quickly, and that the days will go quickly until Monday...

Shhhh....

No one knows but you and me... and none of us are allowed to be excited because we all know better....

My hump.

Yesterday, Peanut had to go to the vet. She is a monster at the vet. So I wanted to wear her out a bit before we went. I had a whole plan. I had to stay after school with students, but then I was going to go home and take her rollerblading so she'd hopefully be more sedated at her appointment.

I've gone with her before and it's never been a problem. I'm a pretty experienced rollerblader and have fallen very few times.

But I wasn't counting on the barking, teasing dog on the 2 blocks where I was taking her. (Back and forth and back and forth...)

Long story short, I fell HARD, right on my butt. I wasn't even able to break my fall with my hands. (I guess that probably saved my wrists...)

I am in a lot of pain today. Dr. Google tells me that there isn't a lot you can do for a bruised or broken coccyx. He suggests ice and ibuprofen. Unfortunately, post ET I'm not supposed to take ibuprofen. So I've been substituting tylenol. Which has done little.

So I called my clinic today and asked if there was anything else I could take, and they have directed I go to my primary doctor. So I'm headed that way in about two hours.

I'm so irritated, though. First of all, how stupid of me. Second of all, like I need something ELSE to go wrong right now. Grrrrr.

I hope they give me something good. The nurse I talked to at the RE said to tell them I needed something approved for pregnancy. There must be something they can give me.... Ugh.

Fat girl pants.

Thanks for all of your support yesterday.

III and I sat down and talked last night. He gets really nervous about those conversations- he told me "I actually made a list of points to touch on, but I was scared to bring it up because I was afraid you'd cry."

Of course I cried. I can't help it! I'm a crier.

III talked to his supervisor and it turns out they have some procedures they can follow if he needs to go be with his parents. They just don't "advertise" it so that people don't take advantage of it.

There was lots and lots of talking about the best option.... and we decided there just isn't one. So we're going to do the best we can. Right now, we're probably going to stick with the plan that we will eventually move to City C. It's not ideal to me, but staying here isn't ideal to him (in fact, he hates the idea of it) so City C is our compromise.

We still haven't heard whether FIL is on the list, so we're going to wait to find out about that before we take any steps on any decision.

In other news, I'm wearing super stretchy pants today. We are having a bout of warm weather, so I have my gaucho pants on. They're my "fat girl" pants. Comfy, but work appropriate.

I really hope I'm pregnant - then the fat girl pants are worth it.

I have one HPT at home, and my plans for it are Sunday night since, as usual, I don't like being 'surprised' with a negative beta. But I'm starting to be tempted to try one earlier. I'm trying to hold out. Thursday would be the equivalent of 10dpo. Can I wait for an additional three days???

In a bind...

I have a long and complicated problem.... I apologize for the length of the post. But I'm really struggling.

Background:

I grew up in a suburb of City A. III grew up about seven hours away in a suburb of City B. We met out here where we live now.

I have lived here for over fifteen years. I did not enjoy living in City A. I felt like it was not diverse enough, in any way. People were much more conservative and much more "proper" than where I am now. And much more conservative and much more "proper" than I am myself.

I love where we live now.

III lived in City B his whole life until five years ago. He's an only child, and very close with not only his parents, but his extended family. He was basically forced to move out here for a job opportunity.

III hates where we live now.

Ever since he moved out here, III has wanted to move back closer to City B. But it's a pretty small city, so he has been trying for five years to move to big City C, which is under two hours from City B. City C is one of the cities that I'd consider living in.

Why is this all coming up now?

I had mentioned in a previous post that, after multiple heart attacks, an episode of cardiac death, and then resulting issues (including weakened heart muscle), the doctors had suggested that FIL get a transplant.

After many doctor's appointments, meetings, and what sometimes seemed like interrogations, my understanding was that they had been told that they would find out soon where on the list he would be.

Yesterday, III's mom told him that they are now unsure that FIL will be on the list at all. He's had some cancerous skin cells removed from his face in the past. They have always gotten all of the offending cells, and he hasn't had any further treatments, but they are afraid that with a transplant, his immune system would be weakened, and his body would not be able to handle the potential for the skin cancer to return and/or become more severe. So there is a conversation going on between two doctors right now that will essentially decide his fate.

III is devastated. He had finally come to terms with the fact that his dad needed a transplant, now we're back to the possibility that all there is to do is wait until his heart gives out for good.

This type of thing is hard in any situation, but it's especially hard for III, who is 1500 miles away from the family to whom he's always been so close.

I don't want to leave here. But I love my husband, and it's torture to watch him in so much pain.

I asked him yesterday about the possibility of moving to City C. In terms of work options for III, it would probably be 3-5 years before we could get there.

If we wanted to move to either City A or B, III could probably start work there almost immediately.

Complicating the problem? Once we move, we're there for good. I wish we could say "Let's move there now now, for the next five years and then we can always leave and go somewhere else if we don't like it." But, for reasons I won't go into here, we can't. Once we go, we're there for good.

Living in City B just is not an option for me. I love III, but I'd be miserable. Even though it's a city, it has a very small town attitude. It's not at all diverse, and it's very conservative. We'd be with his family all of the time. His family is very nice, and they mean well, but as I've discussed in the past, I just don't fit in. His mom can be overbearing and controlling and his family is outspoken in a way that implies they either don't know or don't care that others might feel differently. I don't know anyone else there and there would be few outlets for me.

City A is a better option. We'd be a little further from his family, but still driving distance or a half hour flight away. It's a little more diverse, but definitely has more options in terms of culture and things to do. My parents live there, but they are very much into their own lives and routines and, even III believes, would be much less cloying than his parents would if we lived close by.

But...

I have some sort of block against moving back to City A. Why? I think part of it is almost snobbery. I did not like living there fifteen years ago. I have always felt like I escaped. It was a matter of pride that I got out of there. It's not like it's this horrible place... but I never felt like I fit in- not that I was less, but more that I was invisible.

When I visit, and I run into people with whom I went to high school, I always feel smug when I tell them "Oh no. I live in X." I know that is not an attractive quality, but it is what it is.

And I really do love it here. I belong here in a way I've never belonged anywhere else.

But III does not. He feels like a fish out of water. He hates so much about it here... So City C has been a compromise.

As is usual for me, the worst part is the uncertainty. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'd love living in City B. Maybe I'd enjoy returning to City A and making a life there. But maybe I wouldn't. So I don't know what to do. FIL is likely going to die sooner rather than later. III should be with his family. But do I potentially sacrifice where I am comfortable living for the rest of my life (or at least until retirement) because of this? If we don't move, will III resent that we stayed- will he resent me? He says he won't. That it's part of being married. But does he know for sure?

And all of the is ignoring all the other issues that come from moving away. Leaving KB would break my heart. I think I would cry every day. Plus... we're still not pregnant. Our doctors, who we've been working with for close to two years now and who are in one of the top infertility clinics in the country, are HERE.

But this could be the last time III potentially has with his dad. Forever.

I don't know what to do. :(

Transfer complete

So, out of our 23 fertilized eggs, 20 were viable for PGD testing on Thursday. Of those, 14 were abnormal. Kind of disheartening... I think III was really bummed to hear that. He said "No wonder we haven't been getting pregnant...." I reminded him that percentage of chromosomally normal embryos is a crap shoot, and that, on average, a "normal" couple still has 40-50% abnormal. I know he feels responsible because he has the translocation, but it's not like it's his fault, and there's no telling whether we other problems that they just don't have the means to diagnose in 2010.

Anyway. They transferred 3- 2 blasts and one expanded blast. The other three they will keep an eye on to see how they progress, and then see if any of them are high enough quality to freeze.

My beta is on Monday, April 12 and my post op is a week later.

Blog Hop

I'm a day late, but just found this on Miriam's blog. I love participating in anything that opens up my IF blog world. :)

It technically started yesterday, but I'm jumping on board today. Check it out, and add your blog if you want to participate!





(ET is at 1:30. I'll be back later with my update.)