Wednesday, March 24, 2010

If you're tired of hearing me cry about my dog...

...then you might want to skip this one.

Yesterday was six months since we lost B-dog. (Which makes me realize that Monday was six months since my miscarriage... hm.) I just can't put into words how much I still miss her. I adore my other dogs. M-dog is turning into a bit of an old man, but with his new mellow grumpiness has come a connection that we never had before. (Now that I think about it, it may also have something to do with the fact that he is probably the only other being who misses B close to as much as I do.) Peanut is just... Peanut. She is such a cuddle bug and a spaz at the same time, but she loves me and counts on me with a fierceness that neither of my other dogs have ever had.

But B remains my special girl. We had a relationship that just can't compare to any other dog or person. I dreamed about her the other night. In my dream, I knew she had died. So I made an effort to soak up every second with her. To scratch her head and tickle her chin and rub her ears. To bury my face in her neck and wrap my arms around her solidness.

There is a part of me that just can not believe I'll never be able to do that again outside of my dreams. How is it possible that I will never again feel how softer her fur is? It's so unfair that I'll never again come home to her wiggle-butt happiness - the kind she couldn't contain, so she'd climb up into my lap as I sat on the couch, though she weighed 75 pounds. I hate that she'll never squeeze her way onto that tiny space left on the couch, just so that she can be touching me.

However, in all of this loss and sadness for my dog, I'm also amazed at the pictures I'm left with of her in my head. I have hundreds of digital photos I took of her, and I already have quite a few framed around the house. But there are pictures in my head that never got snapped or that couldn't be captured by a camera. The way she'd look at me sometimes, with those almost human eyes. Her "crazy-B" look when I'd zerbert her- like she couldn't decide if she liked this game or not. Her proud prance when she caught that poor bird. Her face that last morning, as we lay on the floor nose to nose, because I knew it would be our last time together.

I love the last few lines of the Rainbow Bridge poem, because that would be my wish.
... the day comes when one [dog] suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body begins to quiver. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Where ever you are, my sweet girl, I hope we'll be together again some day.


jill said...

Aww I'm so sorry about your dog :( *hug*

Baby bump bound said...

I am so sorry! I have a little pooch that is my heart and soul. My thoughts are with you!!