Cheater.

Back when I was briefly pregnant, I was already having trouble buttoning my pants. So I ordered a set of Bella Bands. Unfortunately, they came after I miscarried. So I put them away in my spare room closet, with the few other pregnancy-related things I had bought or been given.

If you click on the link, one of the suggested uses is to help in that in between time when post-partum weight keeps you from your regular clothes. Well, as any IVF girl knows, we are lucky enough to have pre-partum weight and bloat that can make for tight waistbands.

I am able to button the jeans I am wearing today, but as the day goes on, they tend to get more uncomfortable, especially when I'm sitting. So, I pulled out my Bella Band today, and slipped it on over my jeans. I feel like I'm cheating, but since I can't wear my sweatpants to work, I decided a little cheating was in order.

88% fertilization

23/26 eggs fertilized! Yay for ICSI!

This morning I was feeling better than I have in the past after an ER. I just ate lunch, and now I'm feeling kind of gross and bloaty, but I guess I should expect some of that.

So I don't think I'll get any more info until my transfer on Saturday. I believe they will send the biopsy in for PGD on Thursday and, if it's like the last time, they may not get the results until noon on Saturday.

So we wait. And then we transfer. And then we wait again... fun stuff.

A day off...

My ER was today- my estimation was off by a day!

They got 26 eggs. Yay! And Ouch! I'm on the couch with a heating pad, not wanting to move....

PGD does push the ET, so it should be on Saturday. I'm nervous that we won't get any blasts, but with 26 eggies, I'd guess our odds are pretty good.

I'm really, really dreading my beta though, weeks off it may be. I'm so afraid of "What if it doesn't work this time either?"

Getting there...

U/s yesterday showed that I have 10 measurable follicles. My e2 is over 2000. I go back tomorrow morning for another.

I asked the nurse about the ET timing when using PGD, and it is a 5 day transfer. She said ER is considered day zero. So it is still looking, based on my own calculations, that my ER will be Tuesday, which would mean my transfer would be the following Sunday. (I always get a twinge when I say that because I fear having nothing to transfer. With my stim history, I'm guessing this is unlikely, but I can't help worrying about it...)

I'm so tired and crampy. I have worn jeans every day this week. I really just want to lay on the couch with a blanket and a heating pad. Thankfully, the weekend is here, but I'm headed back to school tomorrow afternoon for our school play. Lots of my students are in it, and it's one I know I'll enjoy. It's just hard to come back on the weekends, even for something fun!!!

So with my retrieval on Tuesday and Good Friday next Friday (I don't celebrate, but we get the day off) next week will be nice and short for me. Then I have 2 weeks until my week off.

Headed off to drink my coffee so I can try to make it through my day!!!!

This is getting tough...

KB emailed me yesterday. With her ongoing kidney issues, for which the treatment has to wait until after she's had the baby, she was hoping her doctors would induce her early. (She's 34 weeks right now.) Apparently, the doc who is dealing with those issues for her said yesterday that he didn't remember saying that was something he agreed with. She thinks it is. I don't know what happened- if he did say something and forgot, if he said something that she interpreted, if she said something to him and he misinterpreted it... whatever it is, she's upset. She sent me an email yesterday about it and said "I can't do this for another six weeks."

I know this isn't fun for her. KB doesn't deal with discomfort very well. I know she's uncomfortable and can't sleep. And that there's even pain sometimes. But... I can't help it. All I can think is YOU GET TO HAVE A BABY. There were four months in her whole life that she tried to get pregnant, and for three of them SHE DID. Her first pregnancy was super easy. I understand that this one hasn't been... and I understand that I am her best friend and we are the ones who support each other. But... I don't know. I think I've done a pretty good job up to now. But seeing her 7.5 months pregnant and knowing that they will most likely be able to resolve the rest of the stuff in 6 weeks- at which time she'll also have her baby boy. I'm having a really hard time being as sympathetic as I should be to my best friend. I may have something different to say if I ever get pregnant, but right now... I'll trade places with her. I'll take the kidney pain and the sleepless nights and the eventual hours of labor in exchange for feeling my baby kick me from the inside, seeing him grow via ultrasound, and then having him in my arms and watching him grow into a boy and then a man. Of course, then she gets to have my daily injections, my bloated belly, my aching ovaries... and my repeated negative pregnancy tests.

I remember when Miss M was born, after her months of discomfort and hours of labor, KB said to me, "The nine months seem so long, but now that she's here, I realize- it's nothing. It's a blink of an eye." Apparently, she isn't remembering that.

I wish I could be more supportive. I wish I could just say "This is her reality. No one wants to feel like shit." But I'm having trouble getting around the bottom line- she is going to have a baby. I still don't.

If you're tired of hearing me cry about my dog...

...then you might want to skip this one.

Yesterday was six months since we lost B-dog. (Which makes me realize that Monday was six months since my miscarriage... hm.) I just can't put into words how much I still miss her. I adore my other dogs. M-dog is turning into a bit of an old man, but with his new mellow grumpiness has come a connection that we never had before. (Now that I think about it, it may also have something to do with the fact that he is probably the only other being who misses B close to as much as I do.) Peanut is just... Peanut. She is such a cuddle bug and a spaz at the same time, but she loves me and counts on me with a fierceness that neither of my other dogs have ever had.

But B remains my special girl. We had a relationship that just can't compare to any other dog or person. I dreamed about her the other night. In my dream, I knew she had died. So I made an effort to soak up every second with her. To scratch her head and tickle her chin and rub her ears. To bury my face in her neck and wrap my arms around her solidness.

There is a part of me that just can not believe I'll never be able to do that again outside of my dreams. How is it possible that I will never again feel how softer her fur is? It's so unfair that I'll never again come home to her wiggle-butt happiness - the kind she couldn't contain, so she'd climb up into my lap as I sat on the couch, though she weighed 75 pounds. I hate that she'll never squeeze her way onto that tiny space left on the couch, just so that she can be touching me.

However, in all of this loss and sadness for my dog, I'm also amazed at the pictures I'm left with of her in my head. I have hundreds of digital photos I took of her, and I already have quite a few framed around the house. But there are pictures in my head that never got snapped or that couldn't be captured by a camera. The way she'd look at me sometimes, with those almost human eyes. Her "crazy-B" look when I'd zerbert her- like she couldn't decide if she liked this game or not. Her proud prance when she caught that poor bird. Her face that last morning, as we lay on the floor nose to nose, because I knew it would be our last time together.

I love the last few lines of the Rainbow Bridge poem, because that would be my wish.

... the day comes when one [dog] suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body begins to quiver. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Where ever you are, my sweet girl, I hope we'll be together again some day.

My ovary hurts.

At my u/s this morning, it felt like she was poking me right in my right ovary. She said that there was a 12.5 follicle there, and that both had lots of small follicles. It's been sore since then. Kind of odd... I don't think it usually hurts this early, especially with only one measurable follicle. Hope it doesn't mean anything...

I'm so afraid to have any hope this cycle. If this doesn't work, I don't know what will happen...

Rough weekend

Sick. I'm sick. Yuck. It's a head and chest cold, and I just want to stay in bed. I stayed home Friday, but had to come to school today because of testing. Yuck.

I had dinner with KB on Saturday. I love her and am happy for her. But I'm not going to lie- it was hard to see her cute little 7.5 months pregnant belly, knowing that I would have had a matching one had my pregnancy continued.

I started stims on Thursday. It's funny, because I was so nervous when I first started the injectables... but now I like it. It's not that I like sticking myself every day or anything, but it's when I feel the most in control of this process. I am doing something. We are in process. As weird as it is, with the bruises and the bloating... it is the part of the process where I feel the most serene.

My first u/s is tomorrow. I hate the first u/s and b/w of the cycle because it's such a nothing appointment. Oh, yes, you have a few measurable and a bunch of little ones. Yeah, thanks. See you in two days. Pppbbbllltttt.

I'm off to spend the day grading papers and blowing my nose. Happy Monday!

CD1 again

I have about five posts floating around in my head... I even started one and it's sitting in my drafts. But I'm definitely at a point where I'm feeling overwhelmed by life.

So I'll just do a quick update for now.

Got my period today. I start stims on Thursday and my first u/s and b/w appt is on Tuesday. Based on my last fresh cycle (which varied by only one day compared to my first fresh cycle), this would mean I would trigger on the 28th, ER would be the 30th, and (unless PGD pushes transfer an extra day- does anyone know?) transfer on 4/1. I think that would put my beta at lucky number 13.

I'm ready to get this show on the road. If this isn't my cycle... I don't know what will happen. Thank goodness vacation is the following week, because I might find myself in bed for an extended period of time... :(

On the other hand... if this works... I would be due around my 35th bday. That would be the best birthday present I could ever get.

Losing my mind.

I am stressed out.

I just feel like there is too much going on at once. I have a ton of papers to grade. I have my ST, who does a good job but still needs a lot of input from me. I have classes to teach. I have parents to respond to. I have to right up a special ed assessment for a student. Peanut hurt her ankle, so I'm keeping an eye on that. The house is a disastrous mess. My school is an administrative mess right now, and things just keep getting piled one thing on another. I messed up my bcp- thought I missed one so I took two and then realized I took one from the wrong row (do you think it matters?).

And those are just the things that need to get done. What about the things I want to do? I need a manicure. I haven't been to yoga in over a year. I have like three knitting projects started, and two are gifts so I really want to finish them. I want to read Shut.ter Island. I want to soak up the sun before the cold and rain comes back. I want to plan my flower garden. I want to focus on my upcoming cycle.

I don't know what to do. I already take prozac. I already get acupuncture. I've even tried wine.

I just feel completely wound up ad out of control. I don't know what to do about it. I don't even think taking a "mental health day" would help- I still have to plan sub plans for being out (another thing added to the list) and I feel like I'm leaving ST in the lurch.

What can I do???? Help! Suggestions are totally welcome!!!!!!!! I need some help. :(

Date night

I had a lovely weekend.

Mostly because my husband planned a date night.

On Thursday, when III was still away for work, he sent me a text. "Since we have been stressed lately I declare this saturday night after 6pm to be drink wine, get naked, & have a lot of sex night. I think that would be good for us."

Just like a man, huh? Well, that wasn't all. He actually planned it all out. He made dinner and had candles. He had dessert and wine. He read up on ways to keep things fresh in a marriage. He even went shopping for some other surprises. :)

It was really nice. Along with eating and drinking and other *ahem* activities... we talked. A lot. It was the kind of date that I would have been very impressed and excited about if a guy I dated had planned it. And, I was impressed and excited that the guy I'm married to planned it.

Sunday was just Sunday. Back to doing the dishes and going to the grocery store. But his effort goes a long way in making me feel how special I am to him. :)

Lonely nights and crazy days

Whenever III is out of town, I let the dogs sleep in our bed. I love sleeping with the dogs, but III doesn't, so it's a special treat for the dogs and for me.

For the last month or two, Peanut has been sleeping in her crate. It tends to be better for everyone. She sees that space as her bed, and doesn't seem to mind as long as the crate is right next to my side of the bed.

When we were on vacation, I told the dog sitter that she could do whatever worked best- crate or have Peanut sleep with her. She chose the latter, but Peanut got into stuff in the middle of the night, most of which we discovered after we came home.

Despite this, I've tried to have her sleep with me this week. The first night I was on my own, she was off the wall, so she went in her crate. The second night was a little better, but she was up and down all night and ended up having an accident downstairs either in the middle of the night or early in the morning. Then there was yesterday. When she peed in my bed!!!!

So it was back to the crate last night. She whined initially, but quickly lay down and slept through the night. No accidents either. I was lonely (M-dog slept with me, but he sleeps at my feet, and Peanut will cuddle right up with me) but I got a good night's sleep.

In other news, I'm totally out of my mind right now. I hate, hate, hate Ap.ri. It makes me absolutely nuts. It renders me completely incapable of dealing with any stress or irritation. I had acupuncture last night, and she did some stuff to help with my stress and agitation, and it helped for the evening but is 100% back this morning. I'm contemplating calling my nurse and asking her to put the lev.ora rx in my electronic file so that this never happens again.

I start lu.pron tomorrow and then take the Ap.ri for one more week. I stop the bcp on the 12th, which means I'll likely get my period on the 16th. They are estimating a retrieval date of 4/2.

Let the games begin!!!

Apparently they prefer me crazy.

So things are almost sorted out with the insurance. Seriously, they seem to just want to drive me nuts with their red tape.

Last cycle, Dr. Z wanted us to do a fresh cycle since we had new info and would be using PGD. Big insurance company had other plans. Since they technically denied the fresh cycle, and even though we did a frozen cycle, they put all of my fertility medications on hold. Kind of dumb, since I still needed some meds for my frozen cycle. It is why they denied the endo.metrin last cycle, and we had to change to a form of progesterone that is used for other conditions as well- because then it's not flagged as a "fertility med".

So I'm just waiting for a call back from the rep I talked to, because there is apparently only one person who can take the hold off for me and she was, of course, not at her desk. I hope I hear from them soon, because I need the meds for Friday, so ideally they would get it in the mail today....

Breathing in, breathing out. ::iiiiin:: ::ooouuuut::.....

Goddamn it.

As I write this, please know that I know that we are extremely lucky that our insurance covers anything. That there are so many people who literally go bankrupt trying to have a baby. That there are people who have to stop trying to have a baby because they can no longer afford to do any more treatments.

That said, with insurance comes hoops. And they have us jumping through all of them.

We had to wait a year before we could have any infertility testing done.
We had to do two clomid cycles before we did injectables.
We had to do three IUIs before we did IVF.
We had to have a completely failed fertilization to be approved for ICSI.
We had to have a miscarriage and then additional testing to be approved for PGD.
We had to use all of our frozen embryos before we could do a fresh cycle, even though there was a very, very slim chance of it working (due to the PGD post-thaw).

As we approach the twenty ninth month since beginning trying to have a baby, I get a letter from our insurance company saying that we are approved for the IVF, the ICSI, and the PGD.

Today, I call the pharmacy to order the refill of my stim meds, and they call me back three hours later to tell me that, apparently, my insurance no longer covers any of them.

WHAT THE HELL??????????????

Of course, they called thirty five minutes after my insurance company's offices close, so there is nothing I can do about it until 8am tomorrow morning.

But riddle me this- what is the rationale behind paying for the procedures, but not the meds that will help insure that the procedures will be successful? Do they want me to do the IVF cycle WITHOUT the meds? (Yes, I know that probably they don't, they just don't want to be the ones to pay for them, but FUCK THEM.)

III's away all week and I'm stuck home dealing with this alone while I'm jacked up on Ap.ri.

I hate my life.