I've told my parents very little about what has been going on with us around our infertility and treatments. There are a lot of reasons for that... one being that, for some reason, I've always been kind of private and guarded about what I tell my parents. Maybe because they are such TALKERS. Everything was always a discussion. And my dad just is not always very tactful. And my mom has an un-treated anxiety disorder, so that is just stressful. We live halfway across the country from each other, too, so it is a lot of effort to deal with their questions and concerns during our once a week phone calls...
I realized this weekend that I hadn't spoken to them on the phone for a while, so I gave them a call. We got to talking and it eventually led to talking about insurance, which led to talking about my treatments. I realized just how little I've told them about the last three years. So I did some sharing.
I explained our diagnosis and what we have to go through with each cycle. I explained to them that we were in one of the few states where our treatments are covered, and just how much it would cost if it didn't. I didn't tell them about my miscarriages or my current 'status'. But... they may know about at least the former. They said they had heard some stuff from various family members- my aunt (who's daughter I told everything because she will shortly begin IVF treatments) and my sister, who knows quite a bit more than they do, though not as much, for example, as KB. That last part irritated me. When I did share with my sister, I told her "I haven't told mom and dad most of this so don't mention it to them." She said "Oh, I understand, and I wouldn't; it's not my place." So much for that! When I told III, he said "Are you really surprised by that?" But anyway. I digress.
I told them, "I haven't meant to leave you out of things or keep things from you. It's just hard- we just don't always want to talk about it. The more you share with people, the more they feel entitled to know- not you, just in general. If we lived closer, maybe it would be different, but we're just trying to protect ourselves the best we can. And you guys worry!" Dad interjects- "We don't worry!" "Mom worries!"
They said it was okay, and they understood. I also told them "Sister tells everyone the minute she's pregnant. I'm not mad, but she's lucky and doesn't realize she's just lucky. She told me 'We told our friends because they'd all be supportive if something happened.' It's not about being supportive. It's about having to talk about it with all of those people whether you want to or not."
So. Now they have more of an idea (directly from the source, at least) about what we're dealing with. I don't know why it's so uncomfortable for me to share it with them. A big part of it is definitely that I don't to have them obsessing over it all from far away when there's nothing they can do to help. Maybe I should be letting them make that decision, but... like I said to them. At this point, it's mostly about self preservation...
I realized this weekend that I hadn't spoken to them on the phone for a while, so I gave them a call. We got to talking and it eventually led to talking about insurance, which led to talking about my treatments. I realized just how little I've told them about the last three years. So I did some sharing.
I explained our diagnosis and what we have to go through with each cycle. I explained to them that we were in one of the few states where our treatments are covered, and just how much it would cost if it didn't. I didn't tell them about my miscarriages or my current 'status'. But... they may know about at least the former. They said they had heard some stuff from various family members- my aunt (who's daughter I told everything because she will shortly begin IVF treatments) and my sister, who knows quite a bit more than they do, though not as much, for example, as KB. That last part irritated me. When I did share with my sister, I told her "I haven't told mom and dad most of this so don't mention it to them." She said "Oh, I understand, and I wouldn't; it's not my place." So much for that! When I told III, he said "Are you really surprised by that?" But anyway. I digress.
I told them, "I haven't meant to leave you out of things or keep things from you. It's just hard- we just don't always want to talk about it. The more you share with people, the more they feel entitled to know- not you, just in general. If we lived closer, maybe it would be different, but we're just trying to protect ourselves the best we can. And you guys worry!" Dad interjects- "We don't worry!" "Mom worries!"
They said it was okay, and they understood. I also told them "Sister tells everyone the minute she's pregnant. I'm not mad, but she's lucky and doesn't realize she's just lucky. She told me 'We told our friends because they'd all be supportive if something happened.' It's not about being supportive. It's about having to talk about it with all of those people whether you want to or not."
So. Now they have more of an idea (directly from the source, at least) about what we're dealing with. I don't know why it's so uncomfortable for me to share it with them. A big part of it is definitely that I don't to have them obsessing over it all from far away when there's nothing they can do to help. Maybe I should be letting them make that decision, but... like I said to them. At this point, it's mostly about self preservation...
6 comments:
As you know, I told very few people what was going on with me, and even waited to tell a lot of my close friends for a while each time I was pregnant, mostly because of what you said - if I had told them it would have made me feel like I needed to keep them "updated." Too effing much work with enough on my plate already. I'm glad you told them, but am also glad that you waited to do it on your terms.
-K
I agree with K. There is a time and a place for everything and you needed to wait till it was tight for you to share. I'm sure they are happy to have been included a bit more in your life. Love, Fran
I think it's huge that you've come out to them. That means when you do share news of your current "status" as you say, that they will appreciate just how far you've come. Which is important. Good for you! I know it wasn't even remotely easy.
HUGS.
I also feel uncomfortable sharing with my parents. We struggled with how much we would share with them and in the end I shared everything because I felt guilty withholding. But, I made it clear that we were often not in the mood to deal with these things and therefore would appreciate not being questions. I assured them that we would share any big news with them when we were ready to do so. This way they feel included but I've made my boundaries clear. So far it's worked for us.
I hope that their knowing provides comfort and not additional stress as that is the last thing you need.
Also - I've awarded you a blog award (or three?). If you feel like participating the details are over on my page.
Jenny- where is your blog? It's not listed on your profile. :)
I totally hear you and I love the commend by your Dad, "We don't worry! Mom worries!" LOL! I totally understand where you are coming from and I felt the same way about my parents just worrying about me when there was nothing they could do. The only reason I shared as much as I did was because my parents didn't tell me initially when my Mom had breast cancer and when I found out I was pissed! I wanted to know. So, I felt like I had to do the same for them. But, it is so hard.
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