Tuesday, September 7, 2010

First day of school

Today is the first day with students in my school system.

It is the first day of school in thirty years that I will not be at school.

It feels very weird.

I didn't realize until my leave was accepted just how much I identify myself as being a teacher.

I went to school last week to grab some of the stuff I wanted to make sure survived my absence, and I met the kid who is taking my class.

And I mean kid. He looks about sixteen years old.

I felt surprisingly possessive. This is my classroom! This is my team! These are my kids! (even though I haven't taught them... so they're not really... but...)

I think I really do need this year off. I would not have been ready to go back after our hectic summer. But I feel this sadness inside of me that I didn't expect.

I wonder if it would be different if I knew I'd be back next September. But I don't. We are on the list to be transferred eventually. It probably won't happen this calendar year, but it is totally possible it could happen in the next 12 months.

And, even if it doesn't, I am hoping beyond all hope that I will once again be pregnant at this time next year. Pregnant and close to having a healthy, full term baby.

Change is hard. I said over and over again last year that I needed a break, but now that I have one, I'm terrified.


Kakunaa said...

Change is scary, sweetie, even if you know you need it. Breathe in and out, and take care of you so you can make that dream comes true :)

Mark and Amy said...

How we identify ourselves can be hard to change. Good luck!