Spoiling my sisters' children.

My infertility vs. my relationship with the children of those I love is an interesting thing. There are definitely some feelings of jealousy there. I want my own. But I love kids, and I especially love the kids of those who I love.

So I spoil them.

My sister's son is going to be two this month. I just went online (they live across the country) and bought him a truckload of art supplies. Easel, paints, crayons, markers... It all added up, but hell. If I don't spoil him right now, who am I gonna spoil?

KB is not officially my sister, but she might as well be. I am closer to her than to any other woman on this earth... even my biological sister. So I spoil her babies too. I have made Miss M so many gifts- a personalized quilt, a doll, ribbon barrettes, and most recently a cutie patootie jumper for her third birthday. KB doesn't know it yet, but for the last few months I've been working on knitting a Big Bad Baby Blanket for her son, who is due in May.

KB always tells me "I won't be able to reciprocate all of this when you have babies!" I tell her "I don't expect you to... and you better enjoy it now! I won't have time to do all of this when I have my own babies!"

Things I'm annoyed about today

1. Peanut was a pain this morning, so I ended up getting up at 6am with her. After III woke up, I went back to bed. I slept until 11. But I feel like my morning was totally wasted, and I'm still tired!
2. I signed up for this kind of correspondence course to review pre-calc over the summer. I've procrastinated, though, so now I need to get on the ball to get it done by the completion date. Except, they seem to have taken off of their website when the completion date is! Plus, I'm having trouble finding the first DVD I need in my house.
3. I can't remember if I mentioned it, but about a month ago, III lost his wedding ring. He has been thinking there was a possibility it was in his friend's squad car- that it had rolled under the gun safe. He went today to take the safe out to see... and it was no luck. I'm very bummed. It's insured, but that was the ring I put on his finger. I know it's just a symbol, but I'm sentimental...
4. Months and months ago I bought tickets to take III to see The L.ion K.ing, in hopes that he could at least somewhere share my love of musicals. Long story short, he told me last week that he's not going because of work. I am not happy about this and not likely to get over it soon.
5. Finally, I got my period today. Yay! Except... because it's a Saturday, the nurses at the clinic are whoever is on call. So they are calling in my b/c rx... except I hated being on Ap.ri, so the PA wrote me a rx for Lev.ora instead the last time. Apparently, she never put it into my electronic records so the nurse today didn't have any record of it. So it looks like I'm taking Ap.ri again, since I don't want to wait til Monday to figure it all out because those two days would push me back a week. So watch out world... here comes the crazy bitch...
   
   
   

I apologize in advance for this totally lame post...

One of the things that has bothered me in the past about ICLW is when I try to comment on blogs and people who have signed up don't post all week.

But here I am, not great about posting this ICLW week.

I have a whole story about something that happened with III this week, but I just don't have the energy right now.

So I thought I'd link to some important me stuff from past posts for anyone who is interested.

The story of my best girl.

The worst week of my life- when I lost my hard fought pregnancy and my sweet girl.

How I met my DH.

All about anxiety.

The long explanation of our whole chromosomal thingy.

So there are a couple for now... :)

Oh, and I want to add a shout out for The R House blog and Mrs. R's giveaway. :) If you've ever considered adopting, you must check out her blog- amazing family with an amazing story- and amazing adoption advocates!

Retail Therapy.... again....

I'm not a big shopper. And when I say that, I mean I don't like to go to the mall and walk around trying on clothes 'til I find the right thing(s).

But the internet... it brings shopping to a whole new level.

In addition, for a long time I had to pinch my pennies so tightly that I rarely bought something just because I loved it. And when I did... it was books, not clothes.

Since we've been dealing with the shitty stuff in the last six months or so, I find myself indulging in retail therapy when I feel disappointed. (And I'm lucky that, as long as it's not a very regular practice, we can afford it...)This week was a disappointment... so I splurged on something I've had my eye on for months... It's handmade, and being shipped from S. America, so it's pretty pricey (at least for me)... but I did it. In fact, I ordered it custom so that it would be just right.

So without further ado....I can't wait to get it. It will be perfect for those bad days when I just want to bundle up and hide from the world, but have to go out in spite of that.

WTF!!!

For real.

I went for my appointment today. I got there at 4, because I thought that's when my appointment was. Turns out it was at 4:15. No biggie.

Until it was 4:45.

And then 4:50.

And then 4:55.

They finally came to get me at 5. For an appointment that literally lasted FOUR MINUTES!!!!

ARGH!!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am overall pleased with my clinic, and I like Dr. Z. But it PISSES ME OFF when that happens. I can do ten minutes. Twenty even. But for real? It's not like I have anywhere better to be????

Peanut has been running around like a freaking tazmanian devil since I got home. That's what happens when she's left in her crate for 10+ hours. Thanks, Dr. Z. III says next time I should take her with me and they can deal with her.

Anyway.

In my four minute appointment, Dr. Z said it is unlikely that my beta will rise*, but that we can start a new cycle as soon as I get my period. He also brought up the subject of transferring three embryos again. I asked if we would take my 'implantation history' into consideration when making the decision, and he said yes. I told him I had to talk to III about it, but unless he's totally against it, I'm going to go for it.

So beta is tomorrow morning. Full disclosure- I'm writing this with a glass of cabernet at my side. My positive HPT --> negative HPT --> low beta has be pretty convinced that this cycle is over. Once I get the official word tomorrow, I can stop all meds and hopefully my period will come quickly so we can get this show back on the road.

*I did not mention to Dr. Z nor to the nurses that I took the HPTs on my vacation. Why is that we feel shamed by this? The nurse at my transfer strongly encouraged me NOT to take one, so I have been hesitant to tell them I did. Even though that likely shows that I had a 50+ HCG level on Tuesday, which means it has already dropped....

My shit.

I walked into my clinic yesterday, signed in for my blood test, and turned to find a seat in the waiting room.

Only to be faced with what most of us probably dread.

A familiar face at the RE office.

N and I worked together a few years ago. Feelings at my school about him were mixed, but I liked him a lot. I also really liked his wife. So much, that a year or so later when I decided to brave acupuncture, I called her. (As she's an acupuncturist.)

So anyway. We chatted for a bit. About non IF stuff initially. Then I got called back for my draw, and when I returned he asked me about where we were at in our cycle. I told him the whole history... We didn't get to where they're at- his wife must have been having a procedure (maybe an ER?) and he got called back.

So... awkward. That feeling of nervousness about having to "come out" to a new person. Followed by a feeling of camaraderie, because- hey. They're clearly in the room for the same reason. Quickly followed by that kick in the gut- shit. Not them too.

I've contemplated emailing his wife. To say hello. To commiserate. To talk to someone who is 'in the trenches'; someone IRL who really gets it.

But I haven't. Why not?

Well there are two reasons. One is petty and easy to get past. The other.... well, it is paralyzing me.

#1- I stopped seeing her as my acupuncturist. First because I stopped having acupuncture, but I've recently started going again and didn't go back to her. Not because I didn't like her or she didn't do a good job- but just because of distance. I purposely chose an acupuncturist this time who's office is literally five minutes away from my house. So I feel some guilt about not going to her anymore... but I'm sure she'd understand.

But there's still #2.

She was there for a procedure. While it could be a laparoscopy or a hystoscopy or some other scopy, it's very possibly an egg retrieval.

What if it works?

Don't get me wrong- if it does, well, hell. Yay for them! It's just that I feel so alone in this process. And every time another someone who "got it" gets pregnant... it just highlights that, yes. I am alone in this. No one else is exactly where I am, right now. No one else has been through the exact same process I have been. I'm not trying to compare- I'm not saying "Well, my shit has been worse than her shit." But... my shit is my shit, and nobody else can totally get that.

I participated in Creme de la Creme... and I especially loved this post. Yes. Exactly. Once you cross over to 'that side'... well, your on that side. And I'm still over here. Going through all of my shit.

a cranky ICLW- good idea?

I signed up for ICLW again... I think this is my third one. But, if the rest of the week is anything like today, it's going to be a cranky one. Sorry to any new people reading from ICLW. Maybe bad timing on my part...

If you want to get my whole history, you can find it here. Here's the breakdown in numerical (but not chronological) order*:

28 months ttc
18 months working with Dr. Z (RE)
7 medicated cycles
5 negative betas
4 IUIs
2 IVFs
2 chemical pregnancies
1 rescue ICSI
1 ICSI IVF
1 positive beta
1 missed miscarriage (8w)
1 inverted chromosome (DH's #2)
1 FET (with PGD on thawed embryos)

Finishing up our failed FET (one of the two chem pregs) and waiting for the next step... Hopefully a fresh ICSI/PGD/IVF is going to be the silver bullet for us....

*those numbers are inclusive, so my 4 IUIs are part of my 7 medicated cycles, and my ICSI IVF was included in my 2 IVFs count...

The results are in...

My beta was 11.6. I am 14dp5dt. Yeah. I'd rather have a negative at this point.

I have to go back for another beta on Wednesday. The nurse, who is not my regular nurse since it's Sunday, was explaining how they like to see it double... I had to explain to her that I was two weeks past my transfer so it probably wasn't going to.

Annoying. I hate knowing I was briefly pregnant, but couldn't make it stick. *sigh*

To all the ICLWers- sorry for the bummer intro. I'll be back with a better one later...

Negative EPT tonight.

Official blood test tomorrow. Looks like we're back to the drawing board...

Funny.

I don't know how that post got sent twice or why the second sent that random pic. See the birdie? Random. LOL

Not dark...

...but there... not sure how optimistic to feel...

Not dark...

...but definitely there...not sure how optimistic to feel...