Struggling with post-baby plans

My meeting with my principal went really well. Turns out, he and his wife also dealt with infertility so he was really understanding. We talked about my taking the first half of the school year and returning for 3rd quarter. As he's new, he felt he needed to look into the situation more in terms of what he needed to do from there.

It is a weird position to be in- I want to be fair to my school and my team. I don't want to leave them hanging. But I also want to make sure I am protecting my interests. What if I decide I do want to return? When will I know? HOW will I know?

On top of that, I'm still not comfortable saying the words: "I'm having a baby." I said them a bunch of times on Tuesday. I saw lots of my coworkers who didn't know. They would ask if I was coming back. "Well, I'm having a baby...." I'm having a baby. Four easy words. Followed by the echo in my brain that says "But what if I don't? What if something happens?"

Even if this pregnancy progresses as it should (and so far all signs point towards that outcome), September is not the ideal time for a teacher to have a baby. Obviously, at this point that was the least of our concerns. But now that I am progressing, almost halfway through my pregnancy, the reality of that situation is settling in.

My situation is really good. Which makes it really hard. Financially- we can swing another year off for me. Professionally- I am able to take another year leave and still come back the following year. Personally- III has totally left it up to me. Whatever is going to make me the happiest.

See? Aren't I a lucky girl???

But... that leaves it totally on my shoulders. And I just don't know. I don't know what to do. On the one hand- hello! We've been trying to have this baby for almost four years!!!! But on the other... if I've learned anything from my year off this year, it is how much I identify myself as a teacher. I'm enjoying a lot of parts of not working this year (especially the part where I get to sleep until 8 or 9 am). But I also feel kind of untethered. I'm a good teacher. I help kids. I DO inherently like what I do. But I haven't been a mom yet. Maybe that will be enough next year. Maybe it will be better.

I may not have as much of a choice as I present here. III and I decided we'd start by looking at daycares. Many of the daycares that are recommended to me through people I know run their schedule based on the public school schedule. Sounds great for a teacher, right? Well, two problems. 1) I'm looking for a slot that begins mid-year. 2) Even if I was looking for a September slot, all of the daycares I've talked to so far are full for the next school year already.

So I'm feeling really torn. And not really ready to have to deal with all of this. I'm eighteen and a half weeks, and feel like I'm jumping the gun. But if I don't start now, I feel like I'll be behind- in fact, it seems in terms of finding a day care I already am.

Am I really going to have a baby?????

18 weeks

I've been meaning to post- I have a lot going through my head. But clearly I haven't done it...

So I'm 18w1d today. So far everything has been going well. (knock on wood... which is part of my issue! I'm nervous to say "everything has been going well....)

I have a little more energy. I have to pee all of the time. When I eat, I get full easily but then am hungry again soon.

Other than that, I haven't had a lot of symptoms. I'm starting to have some hip pain, especially on days when I work and am standing all day.

Yesterday, a friend stopped by the store and told me I'm starting to show. :) I am definitely bigger, but I don't know if I look pregnant yet. Maybe just tubby. ;)

I haven't felt any movement yet either. I am anxiously waiting for it to happen!!! I keep hoping that will help ease my anxiety. It has been better- between the increase in my meds, acupuncture and therapy I don't have that constant buzz of worry. I'm still worried... but it's not quite as intense.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my principal about next year. I'm not totally sure what I'm going to say... I haven't really made a decision about what to do about next year. So my plan is to discuss with him taking the first half of the year off (Sept-the end of Jan) and then coming back for the second half. I'm not sure if that's what is going to happen... but I still feel like it's too soon for me to comfortably decide. Unfortunately, the way a school year works, We're well into the time where my district wants me to decide. I just feel like I want to make the best decision for me without screwing my district over. (ie: ending up making a last minute decision to stay home and leaving them in the lurch.)

I've talked to several parent friends (KB, Sra...) who have made different decisions... and it helps in some ways but not in others. Sra told me "You will never have total clarity on your decision. There isn't going to be a 100% 'right' decision."

I feel like I am leaning in one direction more than another... but as I said, I'm just not ready to make a final decision. To be totally honest, I still worry about what would happen if I lose the pregnancy... and while maybe I 'shouldn't' make that part of my decision, I just can't discount it.

So... that's where things stand. Sort of a surface overview, anyway. My anatomy scan is two weeks from today. I'll definitely try to post before then, but will guarantee an update after we get the results. :)

Sometimes things fall into place.

While I had mixed feelings on taking a leave of absence this year from my teaching job, I also felt like I needed it. Part of my plan was to explore some of my other interests. I'm working at a store that sells paper and craft goods part time. It's really fun to be able to use some of my creative talents and see what others are doing. I also plan to volunteer at the local animal shelter. I attended my first orientation and will be having my first "training session" soon.

Something else I had considered was leaving the middle school to teach high school. I love eighth graders, but there are things about middle school that are wearing. I also was excited about possibly teaching higher level math.

Last week, I got a call from a friend who teaches high school. A teacher she works with who was pregnant with twins after fertility treatments tragically had her water break at 22 weeks. :( They were wondering if I could cover two of her classes each morning for a while.

I don't know this woman, but I am so, so sad for her. That is every expectant mother's worst nightmare, and especially for those of us who have gone through so much to get pregnant. But it is a great opportunity for me to "try out" the high school. Since it did happen, I am also sure it gives her the comfort of knowing she can stay home and heal while her "kids" are being taught by someone who knows what she's doing. (A lot of times in a situation like this, a sub is brought in who doesn't know the curriculum.)

So I've gone from having nothing to do to being pretty busy! I teach from 7:30-10am and then either come home or go to work at the store. Of course, that means I've come down with a cold and have been running low all week...

Drama from my cousin's upcoming wedding, in which I am a bridesmaid*, is adding to a bit of stress, but I'm confident that in the next few weeks things will settle down again and I'll be able to analyze how I feel about my various new experiences.

My next appointment with Dr. Z is 11/1. It was supposed to be this past Thursday, but was scheduled for 9:30, so when I agreed to teach at the high school I rescheduled. I'm expecting my period around 11/4 or 5... Ideally, if we're doing a frozen cycle next that will be enough time to get going for a November transfer.

Oh, and insurance update- it turns out I CAN go back on my insurance with school (even before this PT high school thing happened), and they even are allowing me to bypass COBRA since on a leave of absence I'm technically still employed by the school system. It will cost us around $7000 for the year to pay for my insurance, but ONE fresh IVF cycle for us costs $22,000 (I gathered all my bills and receipts from the last cycle and did the math) so it is definitely the best option.

I've been bad about posting, though as usual I often have posts in my head that I plan to write out and then don't. I'll definitely update after we see Dr. Z. Thanks for those of you who have stuck with me. :)

*On that note, I'm trying to choose shoes to wear with my floor length brown satin bridesmaid dress. I've fallen in love with a red pair of suede shoes. Red shoes have been okayed by the bride. Can one wear suede and satin together? Thoughts?

First day of school

Today is the first day with students in my school system.

It is the first day of school in thirty years that I will not be at school.

It feels very weird.

I didn't realize until my leave was accepted just how much I identify myself as being a teacher.

I went to school last week to grab some of the stuff I wanted to make sure survived my absence, and I met the kid who is taking my class.

And I mean kid. He looks about sixteen years old.

I felt surprisingly possessive. This is my classroom! This is my team! These are my kids! (even though I haven't taught them... so they're not really... but...)

I think I really do need this year off. I would not have been ready to go back after our hectic summer. But I feel this sadness inside of me that I didn't expect.

I wonder if it would be different if I knew I'd be back next September. But I don't. We are on the list to be transferred eventually. It probably won't happen this calendar year, but it is totally possible it could happen in the next 12 months.

And, even if it doesn't, I am hoping beyond all hope that I will once again be pregnant at this time next year. Pregnant and close to having a healthy, full term baby.

Change is hard. I said over and over again last year that I needed a break, but now that I have one, I'm terrified.

One long ass update post.

So I haven't posted a real update in a while, and there has been lots going on at the same time there has been little going on. Does that even make sense?

I don't even know where to start, so excuse me if this is a little random and all over the place.

We have been staying out at the lake, but it hasn't been as relaxing as we thought it might be. We spent 2 days driving out there, and 2 day settling in, then it was the 4th of July and all of III's family descended on us. We had another day or two and then we headed out for a week to visit my family for a reunion and surprise anniversary party for my parents (planned long distance by me). We returned and had 9 days to ourselves, though III started his temporary work assignment and was settling in there. Then my parents came out to the lake, and my mom stayed for 9 days while my dad traveled around to different baseball stadiums. In the midst of all of this, III's family was out every weekend. While it has been nice to see them and spend time with them, it's hard for us to get time to relax. Plus, it winds our dogs up. III's family only has little, non shedding dogs, so they are a little overwhelmed by our big, loud, shedding, slobbery boxers. In part because of this, III's mom drove us crazy with her super OCD-ed-ness. She keeps bringing out old towels and covering the furniture with sheets (under the blankets we've already covered it with) and buying new "knock-around" comforters for the bedroom, like our dogs are going to tear apart the house or something.

Today I'm headed back home for the week because my myomectomy is on Thursday. I go in tomorrow for pre-op tests, can't eat all day on Wednesday, and then have surgery on Thursday. Sunday we fly back to the lake for one more week, and then we head home for a while. Our plan keeps changing, but we had gotten to a point where the thought was that we'd be out there for at least 2 and possibly 5 months... or possibly forever if a transfer occurred. This weekend III told me he thinks we should go home for now. His dad is doing okay on the IV and there's not much for III to do for him. When it gets to a point where he gets his transfer, we'll probably do this all over again.

While I'm happy to head home, it also is making my head spin because it was not originally the plan. I've been working out with a personal trainer for the past two weeks, and I really like her. (Side note- the first day I met her, she tells me "in the spirit of full disclosure I want to let you know that I'm 4 and a half months pregnant." Of course you are. Because this is my life. She is due 3 days after I would have been due with my last pregnancy. Luckily, as I said, I like her so I guess it's not really that big of deal anymore...) I'm disappointed to have to start over somewhere else, and to leave when I feel like she and I have made a connection. The little town we're staying in is also growing on me, and it is certainly nice for me and the dogs to be on the lake.

Also... I officially took leave from my job. So I'm kind of freaking out. Since we're going home, I guess a part of my head tells me that I did it for nothing... but that's not totally true, because III's dad could get a heart at any time and then we'll be heading back. Plus... well, anyone who has read my blog for the past year knows that last year was not a super happy one at work, so maybe I really do need to regroup and think about what I want to do. But, it's one thing to want that and another for it actually to happen. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now that I'm jobless for the year, plus I can't help worrying about the money, even though we have money in our savings. I also find myself in kind of an identity crisis... I am an eighth grade math teacher. That's what I DO and who I AM. And, damn it, I'm good at it! So what happens when I'm no longer part of an eighth grade classroom? Hm.

Something else that's been hard is KB. She has been my main support through a lot of this, but I'm finding talking to her more stressful than helpful lately. She is full on FREAKING OUT about my potential move, and I find I don't even want to tell her what is going on because I end up consoling her or wanting to hide stuff from her. I 100% understand where she's coming from, because I have the same anxiety about us living so far apart. But I also have the anxiety of where I'm going to work, where I'm going to live, making new friends, and hoping that my FIL doesn't die before he gets a new heart, and that the new heart works. Oh, and then there's the whole infertility thing too...

I hope to update about my myomectomy in the next few days. I can't find much about others' experiences to know what to expect, so I'll try to post mine for others in a similar situation to find.

I also apologize for not keeping up with your blogs. We're using an USB modem, which limits my online time. And... well, as many of you probably also find, when you're on an IF 'break' sometimes you fall off the IF blog wagon, both writing and reading.

Hope everyone is well. Be back soon!!!

I feel disgusting.

I can't believe how fat I am right now.

Today is supposed to be near 80. I shaved my legs and got ready to wear a skirt and something short sleeved....

None of my clothes fit me.

Literally.

I'm in jeans and a sleeveless sweater that, when I bought it, was too big (but it was on sale and I didn't try it on).

As of this morning, I weigh twenty-seven pounds more than I did on my wedding day.

This is not okay.

I have been planning to start some sort of workout, but so far it has not happened. I have had a really hard time getting motivated...

So I think I'm going to do something I never ever thought I would consider.

Personal trainer.

III will kill me for spending money on that... he thinks it's a waste. "Just work out!" he says. As if it's just that easy. Because for him, it is. But I hate to work out. And I'm tired and not motivated to do it on my own (even by the roll of fat hanging over my jeans).

So I think I'm going to do it. I have to do something.

In other news...

III came home devastated last night. The summer plan that he thought he had with his job had a wrench thrown into it. I wish I could go into it further, but it's f-ed up and complicated... basically, if we go now, we can't go later (like if his dad has surgery or, worse, is dying) and even going now isn't for as much time as he was led to believe.

First he was pissed. He told me he didn't want to talk about it.

Then he cried.

I insisted that he go to work today and ask what he has to do to take unpaid family leave. We can survive for two months without his salary. That's why we have savings- for emergencies like this.

I hope he does. He didn't say anything after I told him that, but his mood seemed lighter and he seemed to feel better throughout the evening. I'm hoping that means he agrees. If he doesn't, I'll have to take more drastic measures.

Because even though I don't really want to... we're going. We have to go. We can't keep going on like we have been. He has to be with his dad. We have to have a change of scenery. We both need a break from worrying about work, when it seems so trivial compared to everything else going on in our lives.

What isn't said

I wonder what people would think if I answered their polite inquiries honestly.

How are you?
Fine.

Actually, I feel like I'm in a fog. I'm feeling tired and blue and don't really want to talk to anyone.

How's it going?
Good.

Except for my empty uterus because I am, still and once again, not pregnant. I don't have a baby. I don't know if and when I will.

How's your day?
Okay.

Except that I am feeling absolutely unmotivated to do anything. I'm tired of taking care of other peoples' kids and don't really feel all that invested in whether or not I grade their quizzes.

What's up?
Nothing.

Except for the twin pregnancy I just had evacuated from my uterus. And the incredible growing fibroid that killed my embryos. Oh, and my dying father in law who is waiting for a new heart.

Not that I would say any of that. It's not their fault. They're just trying to be nice.

It's interesting the difference between my first miscarriage and this one. It's like, when the first one happens everyone has a story about how they or someone they know experienced miscarriage. But then when it happens again.... Their pity is evident. Their discomfort is palpable.

One of my classroom aides stopped by today. She told me it was good to see me and that she was sorry. I thanked her and told her we just were feeling pretty tired after everything. Then... there was a silence. I could tell she wanted to say something else but literally didn't know what to say. So I told her: "It's okay. There's not really anything to say." She got kind of teary and said "No, I guess there's not." She said she'd pray for us.

I thought it would be good to get back into my routine and come back. But it's not. Nothing bad happened today. The kids have been sweet- they were really worried when I missed several days in a row. But I'm just unhappy. I don't want to be here. I don't want to do any of the work sitting on my desk. I want to be home with III (who is also at work, so it's not like I could be), cocooned in our little house with our dogs and just our life.

But even then, it all permeates. I'm still bleeding, a constant reminder of what we lost on Friday. III's mom calls with updates about transplant potentials, and III hangs up the phone feeling helpless and sad. Even the dogs, who I love unconditionally, feel like a burden right now. Peanut's energy is boundless and M-dog has been a picky eater. They limit our options when trying to go away- whether it be vacation or to support family.

When I try to identify exactly how I feel, it just feels like a cliche. A hole in my heart. An emptiness in my chest. A all-encompassing ache.

We just need a vacation from our life.

Can I just be super cranky for a minute?

• I am not feeling optimistic about the outcome of Thursday's u/s. I have been feeling less sick (except for this morning when brushing my teeth almost made me puke in the sink) and any symptoms I am having (hello? Painful boobs?) I am blaming on progesterone.
• Speaking of progesterone. Ick. Uch. I hate you.
• We just got back from a school break 2 weeks ago. Usually the end of the year flies after that break. This year? Not so much. DRAGGING. I can't believe it's only Tuesday.
• My student teacher is done, which I'm actually glad about. But she's not done grading some stuff so I'm still waiting to get it from her. Hard to do progress reports when the gradebook is empty.
• My butt still hurts.
• III's dad is not doing well. They finally got him on the transplant list, but he's a level 2 which means he's low on the list. In spite of that, he is feeling shitty and is basically housebound.
• My cousin is getting married. This should be YAY!, right? FIRST of all... I hate how people who complained about how brides acted when they were in weddings then become those brides. I'm supposed to be in her wedding, and the whole dress thing is already kind of a pain. She originally was going to just pick something that we could all easily get because we're living in different areas, but now she's picked one I have to travel to have fit and buy. I also don't know if I'll be pregnant for her wedding, and she told me they looked at dresses for "all shapes and all conditions". The dress she picked? It does have lovely waist detailing that will make a girl look very hourglassy... but not going to fit a pregnant lady. But hey. The way things are going, I probably won't have to worry about that.
• Also on the wedding thing... I'm kind of jealous. Which is ironic, because I hated planning my own wedding. I was stressed and I cried and I just wanted it to be over. But looking in from the outside- engagement and wedding planning is supposed to be such a romantic and exciting time... There is so much anticipation and hope for the future. So I'm jealous. Lately, I'd love to be back in that naive, romantic, exciting time.
  
• Is it Friday yet???
  

Right in the head.

Despite the fact that I'm a math teacher, I'm totally right brained. This is most evident in the organization of my space. And, yes, I did say organization, though anyone who is left brained, or even a little less right brained than me, may roll their eyes about my use of that word.

I had a student once write a spoof newspaper. On page 2 was a story (complete with a photoshopped picture) about how Ms. A was found trapped under her desk after an avalanche of the papers.

So I recognize that, to many people, my organizational methods just look like one big mess.

But guess what. It's MY DESK. So you can bite me. The only person who has a right (no pun intended) to complain about my right brained habits is my husband, because he has to live with me day in and day out, and his personality is as A+ as his blood.

Yesterday I was out of the classroom to take a class that is required of all teachers in my state. I recently started mentoring a student teacher. She's awesome, and she's only been with me a week. So she taught my classes, but I was still assigned a substitute, because ST is so new and, technically, we're not really supposed to rely on them to sub anyway.

ST is very, very organized. We have had discussions about it because her husband is just like me. She has assigned him a room that he can keep as "messy" (her word) as he likes.

So when I walked in today and discovered I could see the top of my desk- the whole thing- I was pissed. I didn't want to be, though, because I thought it was ST and she's so sweet and I was worried my right-brain-edness was driving her crazy.

Turns out, she didn't touch my desk. It was the sub. Who had to put up with my room for one whole day. She cleared the entire top of the desk and "organized" the small bookshelf next to it. She made files that she stacked in my vertical holder.

I couldn't find a fucking thing.

And the worst part? She threw things away! (Like the list I made of the number that each student had in the $75 out-of-print textbook they took home, so that they don't come in June and grab one from our class set and say "Oh, yeah. Here it is," because they let their dog eat the one at their house as a snack.) I spent half my morning digging through the recycling bin, retrieving things that she thought were trash but actually meant something to me or was needed in my class.

So here's a message to all you type A, left brained, ultra neat and organized, folder fanatics. Just because you don't understand my organizational system doesn't mean it's wrong. You might like to see all your color-coded three ring binders lined up on your shelf, but I like to be able to see each piece of paper. You may prefer your alphabetical file drawer with it's little plastic tabs, but not only do I like my piles, I challenge you to a race of who can fetch a particular item faster.

So there.

Good riddance...

...to 2009. What a shitty-ass year.

To recap?

• It started off with my beloved B-dog being diagnosed with lymphoma. I spent the next six months taking her to and from chemo treatments.
• I had a tough group of kids in my teaching job and an administrator who not only is ineffective, but often makes the teachers' jobs harder.
  
• After 3 failed IUIs , we had our first IVF attempt, only to find something was causing a failure to fertilize- 17 eggs, and none fertilized! They did a "rescue" that ended in a chemical pregnancy.
• In June, B came out of the remission she had been in.
• Labor Day weekend, my FIL had card.iac death and was revived with CPR. They put in a defibrillator.
• The third week in September, I had a miscarriage.
• That same week, we had to have B-dog put to sleep.
• My FIL ended up back in the hospital when his defibrillator went off multiple times in one night. He saw a specialist about the possibility of a transplant. (Though it was decided he's "not quite there" yet.)
  
• We found out that III has a chromosomal inversion which is contributing to our issues.
• Meanwhile, at least three of my friends are pregnant and due and spring/summer.

We flew to visit my in-laws over xmas and it was a really rough trip for me. While III's family is very nice, I don't really fit in with them. This is always an issue when we visit, but this time my reserves were really down and I just didn't have the energy or ability to deal well with it. On top of that, we spent four out of five days with friends and family who have young kids. It's the first time that I had a really hard time being around others' children.

2009 topped off in the baggage claim of the airport coming home on Wednesday. I had barely just turned my phone on when it rang. It was a nurse from the RE's office. Insurance will not let us do a fresh PGD cycle until we use all of our frozen embryos. So apparently, they are going to do PGD on the frozen ones. I don't know why they didn't give us this as an option before, or how that changes our chances of a pregnancy because Dr. Z was not in on Wednesday or Thursday. Hopefully I'll get to talk to him on Monday to get more details. There is an up side to this- no shots or ER this cycle, and if any of the embryos survive and are viable, we'll be able to cycle earlier... but it just feels like another complication in this whole overly complicated process.

So 2010? Bring it on. It has to be better than what '09 brought. (Please!!!)

Hamster on a wheel

I have a pile of papers to grade and am just not motivated. And I'm giving a test in 2 classes tomorrow, which will just add to the pile!!!

I woke up today feeling less dark. I put on a sweater that III bought me last year for my birthday and am wearing my favorite bracelet. I got a new wool coat which I really like, and the weather was perfect to wear it today, too.

I talked to KB on the phone on the way in, got here in time to get a parking space, and used my early morning time productively planning and making copies for the next few days.

Then there was a team meeting.

Then there was a parent meeting.

Then there was more copying and filing of originals so they don't get lost.

Then I finally had a class to teach... and they needed major redirection.

So now I'm tired again. And I still have three more classes. All I want is a nap. Tonight is puppy school too. I just want the weekend to get here.

I just can't catch up!!!

I may need to rethink this...

What I did today
Walk the dogs
Feed the dogs
Shower, dress, eat, make lunch
... all before 6:30am.
Drive
Morning extra math help for 8 students
Homeroom
Team meeting
Parent meeting
(Parent informs me that her child needs every step for every topic written out in order to be successful... uh-huh.)
Math meeting with administrator about curriculum, NC.LB and A.YP
... all before 9:30am.
Teach a class
Photo copy for tomorrow
Brief meeting with administrator about NC.LB and A.YP
Crunch state testing numbers for parent from previous meeting
Teach a class
Email parent from previous meeting (while eating my PB&J lunch)
... all before noon.
Teach a class
Teach a class
Faculty meeting
Crunch state testing numbers for other students doing poorly
... all before 4pm.
Drive home
Crunch more numbers while sitting outside with the dogs while they burn off energy...

What I didn't do today (that I should have)
Grade my stack of tests
Grade quiz corrections
Return 2 parent emails
Write weekly mass parent email
Photocopy quizzes

I don't know if I can keep doing this job. I feel like there is more and more asked and not enough time in the day or money in the budget to get done what we need to get done. I love working with my kids, but the other parts of the job... I just can't keep up.

But I don't know what else I would do... :(

UNcomfortable.

I woke up today a little less hungry and not very nauseous. Good, right? Except (you all understand) it makes me worry that there's something wrong. Of course, I am EXHAUSTED and the sore boobs are still around, so it's probably a useless worry.

I really just want to go home and take a nap. And now my stomach is rebelling in other ways and has me running to the bathroom. It appears it did not like the pretzels I ate an hour ago. Really? Pretzels???

I also am having another problem down below. I won't go into details, because I'm sure no one is interested in those sorts of details, but lets just say there's an irritation that gets more irritated every time I a) have to wipe after a potty break, b) have to insert that progesterone supplement and c) have to wear a pad to "catch" any mess from the progesterone supplement. So it is not healing and is very uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough that I did not take my afternoon and evening progesterone last night in hopes of helping it along. Of course, that then contributes to my concern about my lack of nausea.

(Though typing that, I realize maybe that IS the reason for my lack of nausea, but not because of a dead fetus but because of the lower progesterone... I get to stop the supps all together in a little over a week, so it will be interesting to see what that does to my symptoms...)

I made my first OB appointment. It was a little tough to schedule, because my doc wants to see me at 8 weeks (which is Thursday! Eek!) even though I just had an u/s last week. So it has to be a noon appointment, which is not very convenient for a teacher. So I made it for Monday, and I'll take a half day- teach in the morning and get a sub for the afternoon. There's not really another option. I'm calling in sick on that Friday already for a family event, so I didn't want to be completely out on Monday too. I am not sure what they will do at this appt. I'm pretty sure they are not doing an u/s since I just had one. The secretary said it's about a half hour appt. I guess we'll see. I'm hoping I can get some clarification on my due date. According to the online calculator I used, with a retrieval date of 8/6 I should have a due date of 4/29. Dr. Z told me my due date is 5/1, but then he told me that I was 7w along last Thursday, which matches with a 4/29 due date. Notice I finally put the little widget up... I used the 4/29 due date so my week/day measurement would match what I've been told...

I'm not feeling like a very pleasant person right now. I feel like when I talk to people I'm just irritating them. I feel like III is irritated with me. In a total 180 from last year, I actually only feel like an interesting, productive, talented person when I'm teaching. I seem to have a good group this year and they seem to be enjoying class so far. But then, isn't that a dichotomy- I only feel (emotionally) good at work but I have a huge urge to stay home. Blah.

Aren't you glad you can just shut the browser after reading my blog today and not have to put up with me???? LOL

Loooong day.

Today was long but went quickly. Does that even make sense?

I didn't get as much done at school as I would have liked, but I spend a good part of it in an anxiety attack. I got a text from III late morning, but then couldn't get a hold of him. Not knowing what is going on is a huge anxiety trigger for me. I tried to do some breathing exercises, but it was hard because there was so much going on around me. So I just tried to focus on work and keep in mind that if something really bad had happened (like if FIL had died) I definitely would have heard.

III finally called me back and all is well. Well, as well as one can hope for with a failing heart. They are optimistic that he will be out of ICU today and into a cardiac unit. It's hard to be here waiting for info while they are all there and I look forward to being out there with III and his parents this weekend.

I spent the summer, and especially the last couple of weeks, just eating when I was hungry. Also, I wasn't very active. I'm going to have to figure out the eating thing when I'm working, because already today I waited too long between breakfast and the next snack. I've discovered that since the week of my pregnancy test, if I don't eat soon enough, I get very shaky. I'm going to have to find some quick and easy snacks I can chow between classes.

The way I'm feeling now, I should sleep well tonight. Hopefully that will make my early wake up tomorrow a little easier...

Only time for a quick post today...

Of course, when I say that they always end up long... :)

• I never thought I'd get here, but today is the last full school day with students. We're taking them on a lunch cruise (in the rain. Ick.). Tomorrow is a half day and we're having a ceremony. Wednesday is just teachers- meetings and cleanup. And then summer has officially arrived.
• My beta is on Thursday morning. I am not feeling pregnant. My only symptom is my enormous boobs, but I've had that since the ER so it's not a new one. Today my nasty prog.esterone discharge was 'tinted'. I can't really say I'm even spotting, but something's going on in there. Of course, as I just assured C, my docs put on my "how to stay sane" worksheet that bleeding does not exclude pregnancy, so I'm trying to ignore it.
• B-dog goes in for treatment tomorrow. She's still feeling good, and I'm hoping that her treatment tomorrow will cause her lymph nodes to go down so I can relax about going away in ten days for a week.
• I came to school today and told my coworker that I knew about our friend's daughter. Turns out I was wrong, and she did not know. She was shocked and distressed. This really is not a good situation, and if the mother of this girl did not tell my coworker, she must really be mortified. They are quite close, which is why I was sure she knew already.
• I am getting pretty far on this sweater I am making, though I'm concerned about how it's all going to come together in the end. I tried knitting in the round this weekend, both with connected needles and double pointed, and it was a big flop. So for now I'm going to stick with the sweater and hope it turns out well.
• Hoping for a quick, easy week filled with good news- for all of us!!!

Happy Monday!

Be.ats so big I'm step.pin' on lepre.chauns...

My day just doesn't start right unless I hear Boom Bo.om Pow in the morning...

Field trip day. Another teacher planned it, but I'm in charge because we have half the kids going on an overnight and he's there. That makes me a little nervous because I worry I won't know everything, but so it goes.

We're going to this outdoor geology/nature thing, so I put on my hiking boots and pulled out my waterproof shell jacket this morning. These are both things I bought over a decade ago. It made me think about how different my life is- how different I am- from ten years ago. When I was with my ex, "The Engineer", we would go hiking and camping and bike riding- lots of outdoor stuff. There were things I liked about that (I actually liked being seen as that low-maintenance girl who would go climbing through the woods and up the mountains), but things I hated (for example, the lack of bathrooms...). Now I'd much rather stay in a hotel than in a tent in the woods.

Life is funny.

I may be having some slight side effects from the stims. I'm feeling kind of moody and emotional, but am not sure if it's chemically/hormonally generated or just because of circumstances. I'm also super impatient- I just want everything to hurry up! The week, this cycle, the school year... I've had a headache probably three out of the last five or six mornings, and again- not sure if that's the meds or the weather or even related to the emotional stuff and/or stress.

So I'm off into the woods with forty teenagers... wish me luck!

Day o' lists

What's going on:

• I went to dinner with KB last night. She's always late and I always end up waiting for her. I got the scoop on her month of ttc. Ovulation possible this weekend. End of cycle anywhere between the 20th and the 30th. Basically that means each of us could be finding out around the same time. Should be interesting.
• Poor M-dog. He had ACL surgery on his right leg when we first got him. Sometimes it still acts up- we noticed he was having some trouble and started him on aspirin with his meals. Yesterday, I realized it is his LEFT leg that's hurting him. Ugh. Hopefully he just strained it by favoring his right, but, on top of the fact that he's uncomfortable, the thought of the cost of another surgery makes me wince. And I'm not sure the pet insurance will cover it- since he had trouble with his right knee, they might consider it pre existing, even though it's his other leg.
• Because M-dog was feeling poorly, he was acting very subdued this morning. That made me concerned, so I took his temp. Yep, I started my morning by sticking a thermometer in my dogs ass. Fun for us both. Then I got to school and during first period (my worst class) I got a massive bloody nose. Clots and everything. I had to leave the class. Yuck.
• Saturday, thinking I was being all nice and wifey, I made the bed with clean sheets. Tucked them in and all. When I came to bed, my side was untucked. I said to III "Did you untuck my side??" He said "No, I remade the bed. Your side was up higher than my side." Seriously???? I said "Here I am trying to do something nice and make the bed and you decide that I did it wrong and redo it???" He realized his faux pas at that point and felt bad... *sigh* I just can't get it right. Either he's irritated because I'm not doing stuff, or I take the time to do it but I don't, in his opinion, do it the right way. Bite me.
• Found out another ex is getting married. Not sure why this stuff bothers me... KB and I talked about it yesterday. I think it's that, that time of engagement is supposed to be such a romantic, exciting time (although, in reality, I found it to be stressful and anxiety inducing). These exes with whom I had bad experiences or unpleasant endings- it makes me feel jealous, not that someone else is going to marry them, but that they get to go through this romantic, exciting time. It's not that I want them to be miserable... (well, not in ever case), it's just that I don't like to think of them being too happy. Petty of me, I know. But it is what it is.
• Saturday and Sunday- 150 iuis Meno.pur, 300 iuis Bra.velle, 5 units Lu.pron. Fun stuff. Repeat tonight and tomorrow, blood and u/s on Wednesday. I don't know what to expect, but just hope that I get some damn eggs.
• Three more Mondays of school after today. I have this great plan to be productive this week... so far, it's not going very well...
  

I had a very relaxing though not especially productive weekend. (So sad that it's over!) It made me think about being a parent. Clearly, I want to have a baby more than just about anything right now. I consciously work not to make a list of all the things I'm missing out on by not being a parent.

However, this weekend I thought about the things we are still able to enjoy while we wait for kiddos.

• Sleeping in on Saturdays and Sundays.
• Dinners out
• Spontaneous plans, with each other or with friends
• Ease of travel plans and vacations
  
• Watching whatever we want on TV
• Time to watch TV, read books, surf the net, lay out in the sunshine, or just be lazy
• Time to make appointments- haircuts, manicures, doctor...
  
• Decorating freedom- no need to baby proof
• Time for projects that I want to accomplish
  
• Time and energy to focus on (and probably spoil) our dogs
• Time and energy (most of the time) to focus on each other
• Time and energy (most of the time) for sex

I'm sure there are more, but that's all I've got for now. :)

Can't beat Friday...

Thanks for all of your nice comments yesterday. I know that moods like this have so many factors- I'm probably a little PMS-y, the weather the last couple of days has been super crappy, not feeling well, end of the school year... But it doesn't change the fact that I just want to crawl into bed and not come out. It's a good thing that III and I decided not to have a TV in our bedroom, or I really might never leave...

All I have to say is TGIF!!! I'm so glad the weekend is almost here... I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend of reading, knitting (I am hoping to finish my scarf), bad TV and general slothfulness. III stayed home today to rest and recuperate, and I'm glad. He really feels crappy and needs the day.

I still haven't gotten my period, but they are having me move forward with this cycle. I had a superfluous beta this morning, just to make absolutely sure I'm not pregnant before pumping my body full of hormones. (Ha. Wouldn't that be ironic. I go on BCP as part of an infertility protocol and get pregnant while on the BCP.) Tomorrow begins stims- 300 ius of Bra.velle and 150 ius of Meno.pur. I hope this increase produces some damn eggs!!!

This morning in the copy room, I read a flier released by our state teacher's union about internet use. It discussed how teacher's have gotten in trouble and compromised their job security by posting things on the internet, whether it be blogs, social networking sites, or IM. I try to be very careful about this- I do have some former students who are 18+ as face.book friends, but I don't accept friend requests from current or former students who have not yet graduated from hs. I also keep in mind when posting updates that some former students will be reading, though I wouldn't post anything too racy anyway because my parents and aunts and uncles are face.book friends of mine as well.

When I use this blog, I do hesitate when I write posts about work and students. But, as you clearly know if you're a regular reader, I do talk about school, work, and some of the frustrations I experience- it's part of my every day stress, and honestly I'm finding this blog to be more helpful to me than my therapy sessions. It's one of a number of reasons I work hard to keep this blog as anonymous as possible. I know that there are things that I have posted that regular readers can probably put together to determine information about me... but still, I hope that I remain anon enough that I can continue to use this outlet to help me work through things. I think it's a very small chance that anyone associated with my job would stumble upon my blog (except possibly SS, and her blog is much less anon than mine and gives a lot more info, so I'm not worried job-wise there...) and even if they did, I think it would take quite a bit of reading through past posts to connect the blog directly with the person they know. What do you think? Am I being naive?

Happy Friday to everyone! Next week it will FINALLY be June!!!!

Do you think this is telling?

There was a seven mile backup on the highway on my way to work this morning.

One of my biggest irritations is traffic. Especially highway traffic. About a week or two after we first moved to the 'burbs, I got stuck on my way home in terrible traffic. I was still unfamiliar with my route (and hadn't yet purchased my BFF, "Jill"- my GPS), so there was no way for me to get around it. III called me when I was still 2 exits from our house, after I'd been driving for over an hour, and I burst into tears. Ugh. Hate it.

So I'm guessing it says something that this morning I just didn't care. I was like "Huh. Well, I guess I just won't get to school until later!" Fewer minutes at work- sounded like a good deal to me.

26 days... (25 wake ups...)

Bah humbug.

I started this anonymous blog to be able to express the ideas and feelings that I didn't feel comfortable, for whatever reason, expressing 'out loud' to people who I know IRL. Despite that, I was excited to find I had "followers" and regular readers. I'm always super excited when I get that email telling me I have a comment on my page.

The downside is that I do feel a little of the pressure of having an "audience". I wonder, do I come off as a complainer? Have I offended any of my "regulars" with a comment or belief that I have? Am I boring?

Lately I'm feeling like my readers must think I'm either super negative and crabby, or maybe even kind of schizophrenicy- a pissy post one day, my "roses" post the next, lilacs on Sunday, cranky again on Tuesday...

Regardless... I'm cranky again today. We have state testing in math. That means sitting with my (worst) class for 3 periods while they take the test for which I am to have prepared them, then teaching math (which they won't want to learn today after a full morning of math testing- but with this particular group, if I don't do something "real" they will be unbearable) for another 3 periods.

I'm also feeling like I'm in a real holding pattern with ttc. I'm not technically because I am in the beginning of a protocol. But this nightly BCP routine definitely has a "hurry up and wait" feel to it. It's five days before I even begin the Lu.pron and another week after that until I stop the BCP.

In the meantime I got one of those mass forwarded emails from a friend (she knows what we're dealing with, but I'm pretty sure she just sent it to all of her friends in her address book without really thinking about it...) with this story about a guy who took his aged mom out to dinner and then she died the next week. It's supposed to be one of those "appreciate your own mother while you can" emails, but it ends with the following:

Somebody said it takes about 6 weeks to get back
to normal after you've had a baby.... somebody
doesn't know that once you're a mother, 'normal' is history.
* * *
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by
instinct... somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
* * *
Somebody said being a mother is boring....
somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
Somebody said if you're a' good' mother,
your child will 'turn out good'....
somebody thinks a child comes with
directions and a guarantee.
* * *
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a
mother.... somebody never helped a fourth grader
with his math.
* * *
Somebody said you can't love the second child as
much as you love the first.... somebody doesn't have two children.
* * *
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother
is labor and delivery....
somebody never watched her 'baby' get on the bus
for the first day of kindergarten ...
or on a plane headed for military 'boot camp.'
* * *
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her
child gets married....somebody doesn't know that
marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a
mother's heartstrings.
* * *
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last
child leaves home....somebody never had
grandchildren.
* * *
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so
you don't need to tell her.... somebody isn't a
mother.

Yeah. Thanks for pointing that out, random email-forward philosopher. And, no, it doesn't help that you add the disclaimer:

Pass this along to all the 'mothers' in your life
And to everyone who ever had a mother. This isn't
just about being a mother; it's about appreciating
The people in your life while you have them...no matter who that person is.

Gah. Screw you.

That definitely just rubbed me the wrong way.

So, while I'm at it, I'll ad the link to this video that has been floating around the IF blog community. It is certainly true about quite a few people (though not all). (And, might I ad, I know quite a few people who remain smug after labor and delivery.... Oh, and into middle school. I deal with them every day.)