Woulda, coulda, shoulda...

If we had been one of those mythical couples (ha. I, fortunately or unfortunately, know quite a few of those...) who conceived our first month trying, we would have a two year old now.

If we had been one of those lucky couples who are a "one and done" with our first IUI, our baby would have just celebrated his first birthday.

If IVF had been our silver bullet, and the first one had "taken", we'd be the parents of a six month old.

If our first official pregnancy had been viable and I hadn't miscarried, KB and I would be raising our little ones together, just a few days difference in their ages.

If the fibroid hadn't taken all of the blood supply from my twin pregnancy, I'd be almost seven months pregnant- big and uncomfortable and keeping my fingers crossed for healthy, full term babies.

I've been told plenty of times, IRL and in blogland, that "you can't" think about what might have been. Focus on the now. Focus on the future. "It is what it is."

But how can I not think about it? How can I ignore what I might have had, especially as I sit here, three years down the road, with no baby?

A decade.

In 2001, my long term boyfriend broke up with me. My sister got married. I got my master's degree. I lived in an apartment with two roommates. I was in my third year of teaching.

In 2002, I discovered I could enjoy being single. I met KB. I moved with one of my roommates to a two bedroom house. We had lots of parties.

In 2003, I continued enjoying being single. I bought a condo- it was the first time I had ever lived alone.

In 2004, I went to Italy. I had a great group of students at school. I had my heart broken by a loser. (Really... he wasn't worth it.)

In 2005, I adopted B-dog. I healed. I met III.

In 2006, I got engaged. I moved out of my condo. I bought a house. I got married.

In 2007, I went on my honeymoon. I went off the pill. Miss M was born. I got another dog. I remember feeling ridiculously happy this year.

In 2008, I began fertility treatments. My nephew was born.

In 2009, my FIL almost died. My sweet B-dog did die. I got pregnant. I had a miscarriage. I got another dog.

In 2010 (so far), I got pregnant again. I had a miscarriage again. My FIL got a new heart. I took a year off from school.

Ten years... it feels so long, but at the same time it feels like it flew by. Sometimes I can't believe in what a different place I now am- how much has happened to me, how much has changed.

What might the next ten years bring? As expected, I hope it will be filled with the business of motherhood and growing babies.

What isn't said

I wonder what people would think if I answered their polite inquiries honestly.

How are you?
Fine.

Actually, I feel like I'm in a fog. I'm feeling tired and blue and don't really want to talk to anyone.

How's it going?
Good.

Except for my empty uterus because I am, still and once again, not pregnant. I don't have a baby. I don't know if and when I will.

How's your day?
Okay.

Except that I am feeling absolutely unmotivated to do anything. I'm tired of taking care of other peoples' kids and don't really feel all that invested in whether or not I grade their quizzes.

What's up?
Nothing.

Except for the twin pregnancy I just had evacuated from my uterus. And the incredible growing fibroid that killed my embryos. Oh, and my dying father in law who is waiting for a new heart.

Not that I would say any of that. It's not their fault. They're just trying to be nice.

It's interesting the difference between my first miscarriage and this one. It's like, when the first one happens everyone has a story about how they or someone they know experienced miscarriage. But then when it happens again.... Their pity is evident. Their discomfort is palpable.

One of my classroom aides stopped by today. She told me it was good to see me and that she was sorry. I thanked her and told her we just were feeling pretty tired after everything. Then... there was a silence. I could tell she wanted to say something else but literally didn't know what to say. So I told her: "It's okay. There's not really anything to say." She got kind of teary and said "No, I guess there's not." She said she'd pray for us.

I thought it would be good to get back into my routine and come back. But it's not. Nothing bad happened today. The kids have been sweet- they were really worried when I missed several days in a row. But I'm just unhappy. I don't want to be here. I don't want to do any of the work sitting on my desk. I want to be home with III (who is also at work, so it's not like I could be), cocooned in our little house with our dogs and just our life.

But even then, it all permeates. I'm still bleeding, a constant reminder of what we lost on Friday. III's mom calls with updates about transplant potentials, and III hangs up the phone feeling helpless and sad. Even the dogs, who I love unconditionally, feel like a burden right now. Peanut's energy is boundless and M-dog has been a picky eater. They limit our options when trying to go away- whether it be vacation or to support family.

When I try to identify exactly how I feel, it just feels like a cliche. A hole in my heart. An emptiness in my chest. A all-encompassing ache.

We just need a vacation from our life.

Project IF

This week (April 24-May 1) is National Infertility(IF) Awareness Week. Visit Stirrup Queens for an explanation of Project IF.

What IF our infertility journey drives a wedge between my husband and I from which we can not recover?

As I get older, I see more and more friends and peers who are separating and divorcing. There are some that have not surprised me, while others seem to come out of nowhere. A mentor of mine always says "You can't see into someone else's relationship," and it's true. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Still, when I hear about these- especially those that surprise me- I can't help thinking "If they can't make it, how do we know we can?"

Marriage is work. When I was single, while I knew marriage wasn't easy, I never could have imagined the stress we would encounter, just within the first three short years of our marriage. It's not just the infertility- but infertility is a huge piece of it.

Dealing with the many aspects of infertility is unarguably stressful. It is stressful to an individual as well as to a relationship. It seems the more often you fail, the worse you feel.

In my case, as I've mentioned before, III and I deal with stress in totally different ways. He withdraws and wants to be alone. I reach out and want comfort and company. This is something we've been able to verbalize to each other, but it doesn't take away the difficulties, the stress, and sometimes the hurt that goes along with it.

During the brief time I was pregnant, there was a lightness in our relationship we hadn't experienced for quite a while. A hope. Anticipation. When we got the news that, yet again, there would be no baby, it was like a heavy curtain fell over us.

This recent positive beta has not come with that same lightness. In fact, I feel like the last two weeks have been darker than things have been since our miscarriage. At one point, III expressed to me that he is not letting himself even hope this will go further, because it is too hard if we have another failure. I also know he is angry to have found out that our problems are "his fault." Beyond those few comments, however, he's been silent.

I know we should talk about it. That communication is what is going to keep us connected. But I get tired. Tired of always being the one who has to initiate. Tired of being the one who has to manage the state of our relationship. Tired of being the one who has to manage the state of our fertility!

But I keep doing it. Even though it's hard. Even though I'm tired. Because I want us to work. And I keep hoping beyond hope that this will work and we will be parents. That the cliche is true; there is a light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

I love III more than I could have understood I would have the ability to love anyone. I imagine babies with his eyes, and those little back dimples he has above his butt. I dream of watching him fall in love with daddy's girl and seeing him swell with pride watching little tiger grow up into a man.

I know that having a baby is not going to fix our communication differences. I know that it is not going to heal my father-in-law's busted heart. It is not going to make III fall in love with the city in which we live. Not only will it not only solve our naughty-dog issues, but it will likely add to them...

But it will allow us to see the wonder of the world through our child's eyes. It will bring my in-laws, as well as my own parents, happiness in their last years (whether it be 2 or 20). It will introduce us to a new community within the one we already live. It will complete our family- Mom, Dad, kiddo and our pups.

What IF...

...all this work is worth it, because we will fulfill our dream of being parents?
...our relationship as parents enriches our relationship as spouses?
...we make it through this dark place, and come out stronger on the other end?

For a basic understanding of infertility, please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101 .
This url gives the background of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW): www.resolve.org/takecharge.
The original “what if” list: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/.

Be.ats so big I'm step.pin' on lepre.chauns...

My day just doesn't start right unless I hear Boom Bo.om Pow in the morning...

Field trip day. Another teacher planned it, but I'm in charge because we have half the kids going on an overnight and he's there. That makes me a little nervous because I worry I won't know everything, but so it goes.

We're going to this outdoor geology/nature thing, so I put on my hiking boots and pulled out my waterproof shell jacket this morning. These are both things I bought over a decade ago. It made me think about how different my life is- how different I am- from ten years ago. When I was with my ex, "The Engineer", we would go hiking and camping and bike riding- lots of outdoor stuff. There were things I liked about that (I actually liked being seen as that low-maintenance girl who would go climbing through the woods and up the mountains), but things I hated (for example, the lack of bathrooms...). Now I'd much rather stay in a hotel than in a tent in the woods.

Life is funny.

I may be having some slight side effects from the stims. I'm feeling kind of moody and emotional, but am not sure if it's chemically/hormonally generated or just because of circumstances. I'm also super impatient- I just want everything to hurry up! The week, this cycle, the school year... I've had a headache probably three out of the last five or six mornings, and again- not sure if that's the meds or the weather or even related to the emotional stuff and/or stress.

So I'm off into the woods with forty teenagers... wish me luck!

Recent thoughts on 'neo.natal loss'

Having become a regular reader of IF blogs, it is interesting to me to see the difference in how people feel about various losses. (Yikes. The way I wrote that sounds cold... but I'm not sure how else to explain it...)

I'm not trying to open the proverbial 'can of worms'... it's just something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

I'll preface this by saying I have been lucky not to have had to experience a loss, such as a "chemical pregnancy", a miscarriage, or a stillbirth. I do have IRL friends who have (including one at around 22 weeks and one at full term), not to mention the blogger contacts who have suffered these losses.

The part that has me thinking is how different people react, and that feeling of "What would I do?" Needless to say, when it does happen, it doesn't matter what you THINK or what others think or what your religion feels- you feel how you feel and that is always going to be valid.

Until I started reading IF blogs, I didn't view a chemical pregnancy on the same level as a miscarriage. I now realize that to many women, it is exactly that. I don't know if I would feel the same way in the same situation. I also wonder how the stage of pregnancy effects a loss. I have had one commenter (who's comment I can't find now) who, sadly, has lost a pregnancy in the 1st trimester and then lost a pregnancy later (I can't remember if it was T2 or T3), and she expressed that for her it was a painful loss regardless of when it was.

Like I said, I can't know how I'd feel because I haven't had the experience myself. I do know how I feel when these things happen to other people. I know that the later in the pregnancy the loss, the sadder I am for the person. Maybe some would see that as wrong, or insensitive to those who have experienced the earlier losses, but, like I said above, that's just how I feel.

I wonder how much of it has to do with religious teachings. I tried to do a little research online. It was difficult to find information about prenatal losses that was not connected to abor.tion.

Wiki.pedia (which I recognize isn't always accurate) had the following info (these are, for the most part, direct quotes from the wiki):

• many Buddhists believe that life begins at conception
• Bahá'í Faith indicate that the human soul appears at conception
• Roman Catholic Church believes that life begins at conception
• Some Hindu theologians believe personhood begins at 3 months and develops through to 5 months of gestation
• Although there are different opinions among Islamic scholars about when life begins and when abor.tion is permissible, most agree that the termination of a pregnancy after four months - the point at which, in Islam, a fetus is thought to become a living soul - is not permissible.

I didn't feel the wiki was clear about what Judaism believes, but I remembered what I was taught- that the head and shoulders must emerge before a baby is considered "alive". (Although, that doesn't explain what happens with a breech birth...) I also remember my parents expressing surprise when a Jewish family they knew named and had a funeral and sat shiva for their stillborn baby- not as a judgment, but just because that is not what is traditionally done. In fact, a Jewish baby isn't technically named until it is eight days old (for a boy, this is when the bris is done).

I found this site that explained:

The traditional Jewish belief, also based on the Bible, is that full personhood is attained when the fetus is half-emerged from the mother's body. The fetus has great value because it is potentially a human life. It gains "full human status at birth only."

I also found information on several sites, including this one, that traditionally in Orthodox Judaism mourning rituals are not observed for a baby who is less than 30 days old."We do not mourn for fetuses (nefalim), and anything which does not live for 30 days, we do not mourn for it." Maim.onides, Mish.neh Torah, Hilk.hot Avei.lut 1:6

(That site also goes on to explain that in modern days, this is not really practiced. "Today the opposite is true. The tremendous sense of loss and the overwhelming need to grieve felt by the parents of an infant who dies before the thirty-day benchmark does not go away just because the halakhah prevents the mourning rituals from taking place. The medical profession has now recognized that parents experiencing a baby's death must face the loss, and protocols to enable them to mourn have been developed within recent years.")

My views on abor.tion have partially been formed by the Jewish law, even though I am no longer really practicing. Or maybe my views on abor.tion have been validated by that law. Either way, that information and knowledge has come into play differently now that I am trying to have a baby, and spending so much time talking to and reading about others who have the same goal.

Thank you for a thank you?

I try really hard to write thank you notes when one is warranted. But I think I dropped the ball on this one... A coworker bought me a gift (a necklace) as a thank you for something I helped her out with. I wouldn't let her pay me, even though the task was pretty time intensive, so we agreed that she could bring me something back from Italy when she went. However, she gave it to me right around when B-dog was really sick, and I never wrote her a note... a week or two later she approached me and told me she didn't think I liked the gift. I'm not sure why*- I don't see her around school much, so I don't think it was that I hadn't yet worn it. It was in a little bag when she gave it to me, so she didn't see me open it. Maybe because I didn't gush about it to her afterwards? The only other thing I could think it was- because I hadn't written a note...? I explained that things had been really hectic with my dog, and it seemed to be fine, but it made me think...**

The gift was a thank you for something I had done for her. Do you write thank you notes when in a situation like that? When I got married and III's family would buy me gifts for my birthday (they are a very gifting family) I would write thank you notes. III's mom told us this year that I shouldn't- that it's from family so it's not necessary... apparently my thank-you-note-etiquette is poor...

Anyway... I was just curious where others stood on this.

*Though, while lovely, it is not actually my style. But I don't know how I would have even communicated that to her unintentionally since I didn't really see her when or after I opened it...

**I was thinking about it specifically today because I'm wearing the necklace. :)

Wedding pictures

I wanted to elope.

Well, maybe not a true elopement. I would have been happy to go to the Bahamas with III, his family and his best friend, KB, AL, and my immediate family. Unfortunately, my in-laws don't fly. That and other reasons led us to plan a standard, 100 person wedding in a hotel ballroom.

I hated all the planning. I stressed out. I couldn't wait for it to be over.

...but I loved the day. I wish I could remember every single moment off it flawlessly.

My classroom-neighbor's niece recently got engaged. She asked me about my dress and I spent half an hour on Mag.gie Sot.tero's website linking to dresses I thought she'd like.

III's cousin is getting married in September. I like perusing her wedding website and hearing about her wedding plans through my MIL.

Even my ex. It still bothers me that he's engaged (again) and their wedding draws closer and closer. I'm drawn to their wedding website. Damn internet. But I like looking at the pictures they post and am curious about their wedding. It's definitely a flaw.

All of these things make me nostalgic for planning a wedding. Which is odd considering how much I hated the planning.

Maybe it's the romance of it. The excitement. The interest of others. The anticipation.

We had a wonderful wedding. We had just the right number of guests- we were able to talk to everyone and still enjoy ourselves. I felt like a princess in my dress, with my hair and make up done. III looked so handsome in his tux (even with the divot in his head from dropping a piece of exercise equipment on it the previous day). We danced our asses off and neither of us could stop smiling all night long.

I love wedding pictures. Even those of people I don't know. Yesterday I teared up watching a clip from some girl's wedding on Say Yes To the Dress. LOL

So I've been looking at our pictures. The albums I worked so hard on. The pictures we have online. I was disappointed with my photographer for a number of reasons, but he got enough good shots for me to make an album. Plus, I had hundreds of shots from friends and family that they uploaded onto kodakgallery for me.

It's hard to look objectively- to see them as just wedding pictures. To look for the romance and the joy. I'm analyzing my hair, and my makeup (both artists did an amazing job...). Looking at how much thinner I was. Seeing III's divot...

But I love looking. I love remembering that day. I like to remind myself that it was mine. Mine and III's. We had a beautiful day and have beautiful memories of it. And now we have a beautiful life- really we do. There are things we still want. There are days that are hard. But we've got it pretty good over here. I've got it pretty good. What a lucky girl I am. :)

More perspective...

Three years today, III proposed. Happy proposal-versary to me. :)

If you read my blog regularly, you may know that perspective is a big thing for me. In fact, just the other day one of my friends told me that when she is in a situation that is upsetting her, it's like she has my voice in her ear encouraging her to look at others' perspectives in the situation.

IF sucks. Big time. And it's a big deal- whether or not we'll have kids. Life changing. But a number of things this week have definitely given me some perspective.

I don't know this family, but my heart breaks for them. I can't imagine their pain. Last night I read Maddie's father's words, and it brought tears to my eyes. No one should lose their child. And to know that this is a family who struggled with infertility makes and infinitely sad situation even more so, if that's possible.

I read this article today (after I wrote this post, so now I'm adding to it...). I recently became an organ donor. I have mixed feelings about it, but that's mostly related to my own issues and fears about dying. If I was dying of some sort of disease that could be remedied by getting a transplant, you can bet I'd be happy that others are donors.

One of the women who works on my team was diagnosed this year with ALS. Advanced, rapidly progressing, ALS. I think about how hard it is for me to think about, for example, next Christmas, and know it's quite possible B-dog won't be with me anymore. I can't imagine what it's like to know, as her daughter does, that next Christmas my MOM wouldn't be with me anymore. Or to know that I wouldn't be here. Despite all of this, she still is making an attempt to come to work as often as possible. Sadly, today she came to work, only to find that she couldn't handle being here. I went into the office to discover her colleagues trying to arrange a way to get her down the stairs, into a car, and home. This is a very private, stoic woman, who now has to rely on help from others. Who was in tears at her work place today. Who knows she is going to die, and it is going to be sooner rather than later. Who knows that her struggle, even if it is short, is going to be terrible before her death. So, so sad.

It is a wonder to me that we all make it through all of this. Life is so uncertain. It scares me immensely to think that B-dog will die, my parents will die, III will die, I will die. I continue to be afraid that we won't be able to have children, but if we are, new fears replace the old. Not the least being, they, too, will die! Obvious, I know. But to me so, so scary. I don't know how I would deal with each of these situations. I often feel like I couldn't deal. But you do. They do. I would.

I didn't mean for this post to get so morbid. I meant for it to be about being happy for what I do have. A lovely home. Financial security. My health. My family. My friends. My dogs. My loving, wonderful husband.

So, today's quotable:

"Books and friends should be few but good."

I don't know if I agree about the books part of that proverb (I like my books to be good, but as for them being few...?), but I realized this weekend that the friends part definitely applies to me.

Yesterday, KB and I had a girls' afternoon at lunch and a performance of Dirty Dancing. (Anyone else see this? It's just like the movie- a little cheesy to tell the truth, but I love stage musicals... I even teared up a bit during "I've Had the Time of My Life". LOL. Such a sap...) I wish I saw her more, but I love her. She's in my top 5 people who I love the most. (By the way, B-dog is in the top 5 too, even though I guess she's not technically a person...)

A college friend, C, and her husband came over on Saturday night to watch hockey with us. III can be kind of shy and I think he has a bit of social anxiety. But he gets along awesomely with this friend's husband. So we always have a good time when we visit with this couple.

This friend and I used to have a mutual friend, also from our college. She is a sad case- I won't go into specifics because it's no longer important, but I decided about five years ago that her energy was just too negative. She was often not nice to me and she was rarely nice to friends of mine that were not a part of our college group. She is, however, still friends with C.

While getting ready for C's visit, I started thinking about friendship. C is one of the only remaining college friends with whom I am in regular contact. (There are 2 others with whom I keep in email contact, but they both live out of state so I rarely see them.) When I think of the people who I really would count as friends, I probably could count them on my fingers. At one time in my life, this may have made me sad, but now it makes me happy. I have lots of acquaintances and casual friends, but as for those who are really friends, I prefer to have "few but good". Every person who makes that list is someone who I enjoy being around, trust, and love. Life's too short for it to be otherwise.

ETA: In honor of Caroline, I'm going to try to periodically (daily? Maybe too ambitious) post quotes. One of my favorite sites (and where I buy a lot of my greeting cards) is the Quot.able site. That's where I get a lot of my quotes...

So today's quote, for Caroline (and a lot of us who need it...)

You've gotta have faith...

One of the differences that always strike me during a visit with the in-laws is the religious and faith based differences we have.

When B-dog got sick, I was concerned that III's mom would be pissed about the amount of money we were spending on her treatment. Last year, their dog was having some sort of kidney problem. It was speculated she may need surgery to fix it, and MIL told me "Which we wouldn't do because a dog doesn't have a soul, so it wouldn't be fair to the dog."**

This visit, we were in the car discussing their Saturday afternoon trip to one of the local Cath.olic churches. The ILs and III were discussing how OLD everyone was at the service (Well... it was a Saturday at 4pm...). FIL says "The only religion that attracts young people nowadays is Mus.lims and then they brainwash them into blowing people up." Oh, geez. So I make the mistake of piping in: "There are quite a few young families at my school that belong to Uni.tarian churches." FIL questions what Uni.tarians believe and MIL explains, "Oh, they don't believe in anything. That's why young people like it. Uni.tarians don't have any rules." Double geez.

There, it seems, is the difference between my ILs and me. They see religion as a bunch of rules God gives you to follow. I see religion as how one feels spiritually. While Uni.tarian churches don't have a specific teaching in terms of rules and telling you what to believe, I do respect that they teach kids (at least the ones that my students attend) that religion is very personal and it is important to believe what you believe while respecting what others believe.

I was raised Jewish. Growing up, my family belonged to a reform synagogue. My dad was raised Jewish and my mom converted before I was born. I went to religious school every Sunday for 10 years and Hebrew school every Wednesday for five. My parents both taught religious school at our synagogue. I assisted in the younger religious school classes when in school myself, and I taught religious school for 3 years when I was in college. I had a bat mitzvah. I was super active in my temple youth group (which included a lot of social action). I traveled to Israel where I was in a school program for 2 months.

My college boyfriend was not Jewish, and neither is my husband. Throughout the years, I've had a lot of ups and downs regarding my beliefs. I am very rational minded and like to have proof of things. I loved when I was in Israel and it was explained that there is actually archaeological proof of an earthquake at around the same time that the story of Joshua and Jericho supposedly happened. But I definitely have a spiritual side too. I really appreciate that, in Judaism, you are allowed- even encouraged- to question and I love how that allows me (especially in reform Judaism) to continue to feel spiritually confused and even ambiguous, but still identify myself as a Jew.

One place where I have really struggled is around death. I envy those who believe in a specific life-after-death. I would think it would be comforting to really believe something. My therapist asked me "Can't you just decide to believe something?" but my brain just doesn't work that way. Judaism doesn't have a super specific life-after-death theory like Christianity does. I've always thought, as someone who loses people, that I like the idea that they are somewhere watching over me. However, as someone who will die, I like the thought of reincarnation...

I started out reading a few different novels that I had heard about which had different takes on life after death. Else.where is a YA book that paints the afterlife as kind of a combination of what my two ideals are. Then I read The Brief His.tory of the Dead which is apparently based on the quote from James Loe.wen, Lies My T.eacher Told Me, “Many African societies divide humans in to three categories: those still alive on the earth, the sa.sha, and the zam.ani. The recently departed whose time on earth overlapped with people still here are the sa.sha, the living-dead. They are not wholly dead, for they still live in the memories of the living, who can call them to mind, create their likenesses in art, and bring them to life in anecdote. When the last person to know an ancestor dies, the ancestor leaves the sa.sha for the zam.ani, the dead…. Many… can be recalled by name. But they are not the living dead. There is a difference.” This was an interesting theory to me too.

Then KB recommended that I read "M.any L.ives, M.any M.asters". I did a little research and found that, while she had read it quite a while ago, it had recently been in the media again, thanks to O.prah. I read it and part of what drew me to it was that it was a sort of "proof". Yes, it was based on the word of one man, but supposedly he was recounting his experiences as a therapist and a hypnotist. Then I read "O.nly Love is R.eal" and liked that even better- it gave answers to a lot of my questions about, not only death, but relationships and connections. It suggested to me that KB is my soulmate and gave me hope that, after we died, I'd see her again, and that I'd see III again.**

Do I believe this 100%? No. But it's as close as I can get to my therapists suggestion. This is what I'd choose to believe. And these experiences of others give me just enough "proof" that I feel comfortable putting it on my lists of possibilities.

This is already quite long, but some other things that often confound me are the suggestion that things are "meant to be", and that "everything happens for a reason" and those sorts of religion based suggestions. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. But meeting III has led me to realize that good things can come out of bad.

Finally, "O.nly Love is R.eal" touches on pregnancy, miscarriage, and abortion. It is an explanation I probably can't do justice, but suggests that, while a soul is chooses (or actually, chooses) a certain body, it is not "affixed" until around or just after birth. My explanation is probably not at all helpful to anyone reading, but his explanation comforted me a bit about the process, even though I have yet to be pregnant and therefore have never had a miscarriage (or abortion). But it leaves open the possibility, though my rational mind's tendency is to pooh-pooh it, that my child has just not chosen me or chosen this time to be born yet.*

*It's a very small part of the book, but I really wish I could explain this better. I have not read his other books, so it's possible they also go into that in more depth...
**I hope to see my dog again too... she's definitely, as a friend described it, my "doggy soulmate". Also why I loved this postcard.

T minus eight days...

I'm counting down to my week off. I have Friday off because of Good Friday so there are eight days (including today, so seven wake ups) until my break. I never thought I'd be someone who would be able to stay home with my kids, but considering that each day for the last few weeks I have had an incredible urge to stay home with my dogs it seems that may someday change...

I went home yesterday and moped. It was pouring rain so the weather wasn't helping my mood. I curled up on the couch with the pups and took a nap. When III came home, he must have sensed I was feeling blue. He didn't complain that I was sitting in "his spot" on the couch. He made us dinner and then let me watch House (does anyone else watch this???? I was so upset! Poor Kutner!) and Heroes while he went up to the spare room to watch the NCAAs. Then it was bedtime... and he seduced me. So I can't really complain about that. ;-)

Thanks for all your support around the SS situation. To clarify: She does know what's going on with me. She's the person who asks really personal questions in order to stay 'in the loop' even if I don't want to share. She likes to be the person who knows stuff. She also, the second month she was trying, was devastated that she wasn't pregnant, so she should have some inkling how hard it is. I want to say to her "Remember how you felt that month? Imagine having EIGHTEEN of those months..." (or SIXTY, like our friend who tried for five years....)

I like her in general and have considered her a friend, but I've realized that she falls into the category for me as work-friend. We're not close friends and I'm by no means her at-work-outlet, if you know what I mean. She's made comments before that are not very sensitive and I just haven't figured out a way to say something. I go through a thousand ways in my head, but in the moment I never seem able to come up with the right words. Maybe she feels that turnabout is fair play- she was very upset when I got engaged, so maybe she feels like now the shoe is on the other foot? She is also the person who, the month before her own wedding, told a mutual friend "I hope A doesn't get pregnant before I do." At that point, I'd been married for more than a year and had been trying for six months, and she wasn't even married yet! That hurt my feelings but also showed me a little of her true colors...

One of my other work friends, Sra, (one who just had a baby but who is much more sensitive about things and who I want to keep 'in the loop') said yesterday that she feels like SS needs to hear from someone other than me that she needs to cool it. Sra doesn't hang out with SS at all, so it would be weird coming from her (though I know she would totally do it) but she does not think SS would react well to me telling her... And I tend to agree...

The other thing that has been on my mind the last few days is secondary infertility. I know this is a big issue in IF support groups and communities. I was talking to KB on Thursday after my doctor's appointment. She told me that her NP wanted her to have her post-op appointment (from her kidney stone procedure) with the surgeon instead of the NP because she's hoping to start trying for baby #2 this summer. The NP is concerned about this with her recent history of kidney stones and thinks a doctor should be advising her rather than a nurse.... long story short, she is concerned that it may not be advisable to have another.

I know this brings up a multitude of issues all it's own- giving your child a sibling, boy vs. girl, etc etc etc. IF sucks no matter when it happens. But at the same time, I can't help thinking... You're already a mommy! I am having trouble having even one! I'm always sensitive to perspective, and I know that I may feel differently after I (finally! hopefully!) have a baby. I know I want to have more than one child and that having to go through this again will be difficult even after I am a mommy... but the added layer of the painful question "Will I ever get to be a mommy???" just seems to sting so much...

It appears that I am in great need of a "grateful list" lately. So here it goes.

• Spring is here! My lilac bush has buds, our maple tree is flowering, and my spring bulbs have sprung. The daffodils have even bloomed! Can't wait for the tulips.

• B-dog is doing great. I love her to pieces.
• M-dog is such a love too. I am lucky to come home to my wiggle butt pups every day.
• I love my husband.
  
• I have lost 3 pounds on my new food plan this month.
• I'm wearing my smart.wool socks today. Love those. And they match my little cami perfectly. :)
  

Alright. That's all I've got for now....

Just another Manic Monday

It's Monday. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to come to school. I wanted to crawl on the futon where B-dog was snoozing and stay there with her.

My in-laws are coming this weekend. I'm not sure how I feel about that. My in-laws are very nice people, but there are not "my kind" of people. They are very different from my family, and have very different views from me. My MIL is midwestern-sweet, but she is also judgmental and opinionated and she can talk and talk. Now, I'm a talker, so that should give you an idea of just how much she talks! She talks to fill space. III and I don't 100% have the same views, but his family is so sheltered that they really have no idea how other people live. The comments they make about the financial choices people make are clearly from an entitled point of view. When they get started, it makes me want to climb walls. III's cousin is getting married this fall, and she and her fiancee put an offer on a house. III's mom told him, "I don't know why they chose that part of town." III said "What about that part of town? It's like ten minutes from her parents house," and his mom said "Well, it's just a very black neighborhood." OH NO! Not a BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD. III tells me it is actually pretty much a blue collar area, and that our friends, C and J, live near there. *sigh*

On the other hand, III has been so poopy lately, I'm hoping that having his parents here will cheer him up. He does miss his family. Unfortunately, it's also possible that they will bug the shit out of him and make him crankier. His mom has had a hard time since we got married realizing that her role has changed. This winter she called to tell III that she saw on the news that there was a winter storm coming our way and we should make sure to go grocery shopping. LOL. The man has two masters degrees, but she thinks he'll forget to buy 'bread and water' to last through the storm...

Finally, what's on my mind... in the news this weekend was a report about a family in a suburb right outside of the city. A man killed 2 of his young sisters and seriously injured a third. The police shot and killed him as he was attempting to stab the third sister. They are a Haitian family who have reportedly lived in that town for 20 years. One of the sisters who was killed and the other sister who was injured were extended family members who were adopted by the parents. The girls who died were 17 and 5. The story the papers are reporting claim that the seventeen year old, after being stabbed herself, took steps to try and make sure her younger sisters were safe. She was a senior in high school, and by all accounts was a sweet, smart, talented girl. They often say that about kids who die, don't they? But she was on the honor roll, and they published a poem she had written and was going to share at a local poetry jam. The pictures of her broke my heart- I've lost 3 former students since I began teaching. Two of the three really were phenomenal kids, though each in different ways. (The third was also a very nice young lady who's friends and family miss her greatly, so I don't mean to diminish her death... But it would take too long to explain why the death of the other two affected- and still affects- me so.) So it brings back those feelings.

And to be fully honest, the fact that she was a young black girl who was transplanted here from Haiti when her father died, and then went on to take advantage of all the opportunities that offered her... that just breaks my heart too. In my mind is What a waste! Not a waste of life, because I'm sure her friends and family and teachers all feel blessed to have their lives touched by hers, but what a waste of a future! To some extent that's true whenever someone young dies, but I feel it even more strongly with certain kids. That's how I feel about the two students I spoke of above, and from the (extensive- I'm addicted to G.oogle) reading I've done about this girl I'm positive it's how her teachers feel about her.

So that situation is very much on my mind and my thoughts go out to the family, friends, and community of these poor girls. Especially the teachers, with whom I can relate the most, and to the parents, who have not only to deal with the loss of their daughters, but with the madness and consequential death of their son as well.

It's all about perspective...

Whenever I'm making a judgment or analyzing a situation I've been in, I always try to keep in mind the perspective. What is it they say? - there are three sides to a story. Mine, yours and the truth. I especially think about this in regards to situations with my sister. I try to remember that she probably has her take on it and in her telling I probably don't come out looking so pretty. When a parent calls all worked up I try to keep in mind that he or she is advocating for the child and probably is taking some of the situation personally as well. When III is being a bear I remind myself that he has a stressful job that is extra difficult lately.

I also tried to keep the idea of perspective in mind today with my pregnant co-worker. She was talking about how sad it was that one of her blog friends lost her pregnancy at 12 weeks. Another blog she reads lost twins during the second trimester. The first blogger is in a same sex relationship (two women) and the second is in a hetero relationship.

So SS says to me, "At least (the second blogger) isn't in a same sex relationship where they had to pay all that money to get pregnant." Really? Does that make the loss any less devastating? Looking at my perspective- I don't know, because I've never been in either situation. What do you all think? Does one loss trump the other? Yes, the first blogger had to pay for donor sperm and for the IUI. (SS claims the second blogger did not go through IF, though having twins it seems more likely...) But the second blogger lost her babies (two babies!) when she was further along. She had probably felt her babies moving around and was surely showing... And does it even matter? Is a loss a loss?

I used to think about this in terms of relationships. My college boyfriend's father died of a brain tumor at 54. He and his wife had been together thirty years. I remember feeling it must be so hard for her to lose her life long partner. But then a coworker's cousin's wife was killed in an accident just weeks after their wedding. I felt for him and the loss of their life together- all the reams they had that they would never be able to realize. Is one more difficult than the other?

Another blogger I stumbled upon entitled her post 'Straight people say the stupidest things.' Apparently she is having trouble getting pregnant and one of her coworkers inquired as to whether they had considered adoption. She was offended by that suggestion ("typical straight person response" she said) and other gay readers of her blog commented on it- that straight people seem to think that adoption is the obvious answer for lesbian couples*. They didn't seem to realize that straight people dealing with IF get asked that question all the time too!!! Our perceptions and reactions are so guided by our experiences and that is something I really try to keep in mind, especially when I'm having a really strong reaction to something or someone...

*However, then the blogger went on to say that she was further offended when her coworker said "It's not like you can try at home," which, IMO, was pretty tactless and insensitive.

Isn't this supposed to be RELAXING?

Each year, III and I go on vacation during the middle of February. I have a week break from school, and since for most of my other vacations we are visiting family, we try to take advantage of the February break to take a trip, just the two of us. I love "Vacation III" as I call him. When he is away from home he can really relax. His work phone isn't ringing, his blackberry isn't beeping... he is really off duty and is like a different person. Living in an area where February weather can be frigid, we also like to go south and try to be somewhere warm.

This year we're headed to Florida. Unfortunately, Florida has had a cold snap of its own. Last week I heard it was in the FIFTIES. Of course, that still means no snow or ice, which is an improvement on where we are now, but I was hoping for beach weather. This week seems to be better- mid to high 70s which works for me at the beach. But, so far next week they are predicting in the 60s. High enough to spend time outside but possibly not beach weather...

I find it ironic that we plan a vacation to be able to really relax, but leading up to the vacation stresses me out. I have SO MUCH TO DO in the next two days. Some of it is vacation (and vanity) related (manicure, pedicure, bikini wax), some are vacation logistics (laundry, packing, making the list for the dog sitter), and some aren't related to vacation at all but need to be done before we leave for a week (B-dog's lymphoma treatment, straightening up the house). I'm way behind on grading papers and that's probably not going to get done (as I sit here typing on my blog instead of grading quizzes- have I yet mentioned I'm a master procrastinator? It's one of my major faults.)

I'm also stressed about the money that will be spent this week. We planned the vacation back in August, and it really benefits our relationship to take this time away together. But B-dogs vet bills are now up to about $3500. I just overdrew our checking account, raking in $200 in bank fees. The most frustrating part of that is that we HAD the money- we had $4000 in our savings account and two days after the overdraw we had over $2000 in our checking as well... it was just poor planning on my part, which makes me crazy. Dealing with the finances was much easier when I was the only one doing the spending!!! Now that there are two busy adults it's so much harder to keep track. My finances have always been a big deal and my ability to balance them has always been a sense of pride. It pisses me off when I mess up like this.

So our vacation will just add more money we will need to pay. Flights are already paid for, but we will have the hotel, the rental car, and any food to pay for after the vacation.

I shouldn't complain because there are people who literally don't have the money, and we actually have a chunk of savings that is our "don't touch" money. We'll probably have to touch it this month. But I am fully aware that there are people who can't pay their mortgages and utility bills- vacation isn't even an option for them. My complaint isn't really about spending the money, it's about how stressful it makes me feel. I can't imagine the level of stress if we were really struggling with money.

I do understand the struggling with money, though. My stress and anxiety comes from experiencing that myself for many years. When I was growing up, my dad didn't like his job and wasn't very good at it. He didn't make much of a yearly salary, and my mom worked in a pre-school, which is a very limited salary as well. We were always worried about money. Once I left to go to college at 18, I was basically on my own financially. I had scholarships and loans, but i got very little money from my parents. I had 3 jobs my senior year of college. I was that ramen-noodle-eating young professional my first year of teaching, living with 4 other women in a crappy falling down victorian house for $400 a month (which, in the area where I live is cheap!). I worked several jobs for years and years to save money, first to pay off my credit card debt (which came only from my post college set up- buying a bed, etc after moving out of the dorms), putting money towards my student loans, paying living expenses, all while trying to save money to put a downpayment on a condo.

So even though we are comfortable and don't have to worry about where money for the mortgage, groceries, medications, etc are coming from, there is still this trigger in my head that sees "OVERDRAFT NOTICE" and panics.

So anyway, this post has become really long, but the point is my vacation is stressing me out. Hopefully, the actual week that we are on vacation will be the relaxing time together than we have planned. I'm just hoping I won't lose my mind before we get there!!!!

Waste not...

I've been trying really hard lately to reduce my waste. At school, we've been talking about trying to do an interdisciplinary unit around environmental issues. Planning something like that makes you think about your own impact on the environment.

So I've stopped using ziploc sandwich baggies and started using tupperware and those semi-disposable-but-still-reusable ziploc and rubbermaid containers. I recently bought an insulated mug from D&D that I can have refilled instead of getting a styrofoam (or whatever those are made from) disposable cup every day.

Water waste is one place I am not making great strides. I admit it- I take 15 minute showers. AND usually I let the water run for a bit before getting in, especially for a morning shower when it takes longer for the water to heat up. I have such a tough time in the mornings, if I tried to forgo my hot showers I might just never make it to work... Toilet flushing too. I live in fear of the toilet getting stopped up, so I sometimes flush twice- in the middle of my "business" or sometimes before, since III has a habit of throwing his used kleenex in the toilet. He doesn't flush them, but if I have to go and it seems like there is already a lot of kleenex in there, I worry about a clog.

Speaking of waste and of toilets, do you poop at work? We have faculty bathrooms, and I would say at least 2-3 times a week I have to go at school. The faculty bathrooms are onsies, so if someone is in there, you have to wait in line outside of the bathroom. I hate it when I know someone is coming in right after I've had a bm. Does it smell? Are there skidmarks? I don't know why I worry about it since it doesn't bother me to go in after someone else has done that. I mean, isn't that what bathrooms are for? One of my school friends refuses to poop at work. If I had that rule, back when I was having some major stomach issues (for about 5 years) I wouldn't have accumulated nearly as many sick days as I have!!! In fact, I've pooped in quite a few bathrooms in the city where I live. I always knew where the public bathrooms were when I was out an about because I never knew when I'd have a "problem". I also practically lived on Immodium AD, but luckily that has been resolved... but the habits are lasting. When I've got to go, I've got to go- work, the mall, restaurants, Barnes and Noble (for some reason I always have to poop when I'm buying books... hmmm)...

Today's PSA brought to you by House...

Do you watch House? There are always all sorts of crazy and not so crazy conditions that someone comes in with. I often wonder how accurate the info on these shows is. III hates shows like Law and Order- he finds the happenings on there really unrealistic. I'm guessing doctors feel the same way about shows like ER, Grey's and House.

I like House though. I don't know if it's Hugh Laurie or the puzzles of the diagnoses... so I watch it on USA all the time.

Today's episode had a side story about a man who got herpes and the confusion about whether he got it from his wife or she got it from him, and which one of them it was who must have cheated. He figured out which it was but telling them it was possible to get herpes from a toilet seat and see which one was quick to believe it.

Because you can't get herpes from a toilet seat.

They also mentioned that it is actually possible to be positive for the herpes virus (HSV) and be asymptomatic AND still pass it on to your partner. Which doesn't really jive with cheating storyline then, because, unless both members of the marriage were virgins when they got married (which was not part of the storyline) one of them could have been carrying HSV for their entire marriage and never had any symptoms.

Why do I know all of these details about herpes? Because I'm one of the 1 in 5 adults who has it. HSV2 to be exact.

It was really hard when I was first diagnosed- I was still single. I was already going through a rough time. The guy who I probably got HSV from stopped returning my calls. That was pretty much a sucky time.

I got lots of support from an online forum- http://www.racoon.com. I encourage anyone who is dealing with a herpes diagnosis to check them out.

Anyway, here's where the PSA comes in- I'm a big information gatherer. It's part of how I cope. So I learned quite a bit about herpes after my diagnosis. So here are some important facts that everyone should know.

• HSV1 had generally been considered the oral herpes (aka cold sores) and HSV2 genital. It is possible, however, to get either strain in either place.
• Many people don't realize that if they have a cold sore and "go down" on someone, that person can contract genital HSV1.
• As mentioned above, 1 in 5 adults have HSV2. (Some stats say 1 in 4.) Almost 90% of them don't know they have it. They are either asymptomatic or mistake their symptoms for other things. Stats from study.
  
• The number of people with HSV1 is a lot higher. It's been estimated at 80-90% of the adult population.
• This one is a biggie that most people don't realize- even if you ask your doctor for STD testing regularly, you are very likely not being tested for HSV. It is not a part of routine STD testing. In fact, many doctors are hesitant to test for it without symptoms.* (For very stupid reasons, IMO.)
• If a HSV2- woman sleeps with a HSV2+ man over the course of a year with no protection, she has a 10% chance of contracting HSV2. If he uses an antiviral daily, the chance is cut in half. If he also uses a condom it is cut in half again.
• If a HSV2- man sleeps with a HSV2+ woman over the course of a year with no protection, he has a 4% chance of contracting HSV2. If she uses an antiviral daily, the chance is cut in half. If he also uses a condom it is cut in half again. (Yep, that's about 1% folks.) Valtrex study
  
• If someone has genital HSV1, the chances of passing it on to another person genitally is extremely small. The chance that his or her partner already has oral HSV1 (making it almost impossible to contract again genitally) is quite high.

So there you have a selection of some of what I consider important herpes facts.

If you or someone you care about contracts herpes, remember- it's not the end of the world. It's not debilitating. It's not terminal. And it is so, so common. People don't realize how common it is. Next time you're in a roomful of people, count: "One, two, three, four, herpes. One, two, three, four, herpes." Remember to wear a condom. Get tested for STDs after you've had new partners- better yet, make sure you and your new partner are tested BEFORE you have sex. Knowledge is the best way to decrease that ratio.

*If you ask your doctor for a herpes test, make sure they are doing a type specific blood test. Western blot is the best one to ask for.
**For more info about herpes, check out The Official Herpes Handbook

Admiration

I'm in awe of people who write novels. (Actually, I'm in awe of people who write novels well.)

I have a serious addiction to books. (Although, owning a DVR has put a real dent in my reading... There's just not enough time in the day!!!) I keep buying bigger bookshelves because I run out of room to house my collection. I've been like that since I was a kid. My mom couldn't punish me by sending me to my room because I was plenty happy to just sit and read.

When I read a good book that has a great plotline, I'm always amazed at how it comes together. I recognize that there are many edits that go into a novel, and it's not a linear process, but I still think it's such a talent to be able to do that.

I read the Twilight series this year. Even though it's technically a young adult series, the story is so intricate. ***(If you haven't read all four books in the series and are planning to, there is a spoiler ahead. Highlight the big blank spot to read...)*** For example, I wonder if Stephenie Meyer knew when she wrote the first book and Bella's mind was the only one Edward couldn't read that Bella would have a "shield power" when she became a vampire. What kind of forethought must that take!? And what kind of organization? Do you keep a journal where you jot down ideas or reminders? Do you map the whole series out beforehand, and if so, how do you deal with new ideas that come up while you're writing?

I used to read just about anything. Now I've become much more ADD in my reading and sometimes can't get through a book and quit. I'm always on the lookout for books to *love*. My all time favorite is The Time Traveler's Wife. Another really intricate plot- did Audrey Niffenegger write that book linearly by page, or linearly by time, or something else?

I also loved Bel Canto by Ann Patchett as well as the Magician's Assistant. But her other books I didn't like as much, although they were readable. I loved Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen, but Riding Lessons didn't have the same impact on me.

I have a stack of books at home waiting to be read (some I bought and some I rented from Bookswim). Hopefully, a favorite will be among them.

Even and odd

So I'm definitely in a slump. I wish I wasn't so blue lately...

I'm 33. Maybe it's a coincidence but it seems like for the last 8 years when I'm even it's a good year, and when I'm odd it's not.

My boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me when I was 25. That was a hard transition.

But then 26 was a lot of fun- I started dating and met KB.

27 was rough. Between a disappointment with a specific guy and the start of KB's relationship with her husband (I like him a lot now, but the beginning of their relationship caused some major ripples in ours), I had some difficult times.

28 was awesome. Probably the best year of my adult life. I bought my condo. I was super social. I was enjoying dating and hanging out with friends. Two thumbs up for 28.

29- ugh. That was my rough year. I guess it all started when I was 28, but that was just a couple of months, and then most of 29 was tough, tough, tough. (Although I did get B-Dog that year, and towards the end of 29 met III.)

30- I had a fabulous 30th birthday in DC, then I got engaged, then I got married! Can't beat that.

31- Just after I turned 31, I found out... ugh, it's a long story, which I'm sure will come up at some point. But III had some issues before we met that I was unaware of until 2 days before Christmas. It caused some real angst for both of us... on top of that, he was living in DC for 2 months... Ugh.

32- was pretty good. I was enjoying marriage, enjoying our house, enjoying our dogs... happy. We were at the beginning of the TTC stuff, but not yet far enough along that it was a concern.

So here I am at 33. The infertility shit has hit the fan. (Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. But it definitely is getting to me.) B-Dog has cancer. School sucks. *sigh*

As a winter baby, I have another 11 months of 33... hopefully it will get better. If tomorrow's IUI goes well, maybe 33 will start looking up....

Hope and change

III makes fun of the whole "hope and change" message that has been so focused on during this election. Granted, he's pretty cynical. And he's a LEO (law enforcement officer) working directly with criminals, so he sees the worst side of humanity. And he's a non-democrat. (5 years ago, he probably would have identified as a republican, and though I believe he's still registered as such, I think he'd identify more as a moderate.)

I want to hope. I want to believe there can be change. But I don't want to be a naif. Is it unrealistic to believe that, with as difficult as things currently are, that Obama can usher in change? (I say "usher in" because I am not so naive that I believe that Obama himself can make all of the necessary changes.)

I've been thinking a lot about hope lately, Is it better to be hopeful and find yourself disappointed, or better to be doubting but go around in a fairly constant state of negativity and possible despair? I don't know the answer.

I had an ultrasound today to determine whether my follicles are ready for ovulation trigger. So that means sometime this week we will have 2 IUIs in hopes of getting pregnant. The first month, even though realistically I knew I may not get pregnant, I was hopeful. I saw my doctor a week after my IUI and he told me that, while he couldn't guarantee I would get pregnant, my numbers (size of follicles, Estradiol levels) were exactly what they should look like when someone does get pregnant. That made me even more hopeful. The day before my blood test, I took an HPT. Then the next morning I had a blood test. Needless to say, they were both negative. Though we'd been trying for over a year at that point, that was the first time that I was disappointed enough that I got a pit in my stomach. Disappointed enough that I cried when I went to bed that night. That sucked.

Last month we did the meds but not the IUI- it was Christmas and we were away during the days we would have needed to do the procedure. I was less hopeful- the timing of the trigger wasn't great and the chances without IUI are obviously less. But I felt pretty bummed out for the full two week wait- not as bad as the previous month with my dashed hopes, but for longer.

So I don't know what's best- keep my chin up and hope for the desired outcome? Assume that the outcome won't be what I want and then I'll be pleasantly surprised when I do get pregnant?

(During the time it has taken me to write this- its been a lot of stop and go- my lab results have gone up online. I only have one measurable follicle on my left side, but 5-10 smaller follicles on my right... But my estradiol is higher than it was the first month, so I'm guessing they'll have me trigger tonight. That is a bummer for 2 reasons- first of all, I only will have one egg. I know it only takes one, but considering my eggs haven't been super reliable for the last sixteen months.... second reason is my teaching schedule on Thursdays is not conducive to having a morning doctor's appointment. Ugh. And I feel like I've already missed so much school....)

As for our new president, I think I prefer to continue to give him the benefit of the doubt and be hopeful that he can help the country accomplish the goals he has set for us.