Craptastic

According to my retrieval date, I am 7w3d today.

As I've mentioned, I've decided it's impossible to NOT obsess over symptoms or lack of particular symptoms.

The nausea that I had with my last pregnancy I don't this time. On one hand, that's great. I don't do well with puke. On the other... well, you know. I'm not feeling great, though. I just kind of feel... ick. Queasy I guess. I am tired all the time. I feel like a total slug. I worry that III is irritated that I am sleeping so often and getting so little done. I wonder if the fact that I am able to sleep more this time is making the queasiness/nausea better that it would be. That all sounds very rational, doesn't it? In my head, I worry that the lack of nausea means something bad. On the other hand, the fact that I'm not feeling great makes me worry that something is bad.

You hear about nausea and morning sickness all the time... is it normal just to feel ... blah? Ick? Crap?

I also feel a little.... depressed. That could be related to the fatigue. It could be related to my ever-present anxiety. It could have to do with the fact that it's January... every winter I get those blues related to the cold and the dark. I guess when you throw all three together, it makes sense.

So we plod along, one day at a time. Waiting for the next appointment, which is Tuesday. I'm nervous about everything about that appointment. I'm nervous that my u/s will be bad. I'm worried that if my u/s is good, that I'll be released to my OB- that worries me because then I worry that when I get to my first OB appointment, like the last time, they will have to send me across the street to the u/s doctor who will tell me that history is repeating itself...

So much worry. So much uncertainty. A recent comment reminded me of the Confucius quote, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." It's true... and we've been making these steps... the only problem is, we are hyper-aware of previous journeys where we took that first step but had our journey aborted far too early.

Watching GA reruns...

"I feel like one of those people who are so freaking miserable that they can't be around normal people. Like I'll infect the happy people." ~Meredith

Missing my B every day.

"Until one has loved an animal, part of one's soul remains unawakened."

~Anatole France

More on relationships and needles...

Last night III read to me all of the recent emails he's exchanged with his friend. I don't know if that makes me feel better about having read them before (it's not like it was secret, he shared them with me anyway) or guilty (he shared them with me anyway and here I am sneaking around!). Anyway. We chatted a lot about their situation... I still feel so bad for them and am worried they aren't going to make it. I think they would really benefit from couples' counseling because they just don't seem to be communicating well, but it's not my place to suggest it. In fact, I can't really even say anything to the wife unless she confides in me because I don't want her to know what her husband wrote to III.

During our discussion, our recent discussion (ie: my meltdown) came up. III told me that a few weeks before that happened, he had been at work feeling frustrated about things at home. He feels like he's not good at expressing his feelings, especially when he's frustrated, so when he tries to he just gets more frustrated. So he wrote a letter to me. A four page letter. He wrote all all his frustrations... and then put it in his desk. Three or four days later, he came back to it and read it. As he read it, he thought "I can't give this to her. None of the stuff in this letter is that important. It wouldn't really be appropriate." So he fed it to the shredder.

After our discussion- after he heard how I was feeling- he was really glad that he didn't give it to me. He said "Even after I shredded it, I was so sure I was right. That this was 90% you and 10% me. After our conversation, even though I still thought I was mostly right, it was more 51%/49%." ha ha ha. His point was that it's all perspective. Even if you have an idea of how the other person is feeling, you never know the whole thing unless they have shared everything in their head with you. I'm glad he was able to get it all out, and I'm glad that after the fact he was able to recognize how we share the responsibility for issues we have- but the neurotic part of me thinks "WHAT ELSE WAS IN THAT LETTER???" I asked him- "Was there anything else in the letter that you didn't get a chance to talk about?" and he said no...

At this point in our relationship we are having these, for lack of a better term, "unloading session". His friends have been married for about 7 years- isn't that supposed to be the tough period? You know, "the itch"? It scares me to think of what is in the future for III and me. I feel like we communicate pretty well. Not perfectly... but we try to balance what's important to share with what is naggy or nitpicky. But I know that all bets are off once there are kids involved. Not to mention just the day-to-day wear and tear on a relationship...

So, on the topic of perspective, here's today's quote: We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions. ~Ian Percy

On a totally separate III note... Yesterday there was a bank robbery and the suspect was shot (not killed- he's in recovery in the hospital). His old squad was involved in it. He comes home and says "Is it weird that when I heard about the shooting, my reaction was that I was mad I wasn't there?" Umm... YES. Most people would want to be anywhere but where there is shooting! I guess that's just a part of the job- he wants to help his buddies and to be where the action is. Luckily, everyone (including the suspect) is okay. But, as for me, I'd like to keep III as far from any shooting as possible...

I took my first lu.pron shot yesterday. It's the lowest key injection I've given myself so far in this process- the smallest needle, no mixing, and the least amount of liquid. At some point, I'm going to have to mix the lu.pron, the bra.velle, and the men.opur together, but that's a few weeks off so I guess I'll just take it one step at a time.

Oh, and I also called and spoke to the NP about the MASSIVE NEEDLES they sent me. She said those are for mixing- that the enormous longer needle helps when mixing the meds, but that with the Q-caps I may not even need it. Then I can screw off the 1 1/2" and replace it with the 1/2" to give myself the subcutaneous injection. Phew!

I can't believe it's only Tuesday. This month is crawling along in slow motion...

“Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns...

...I am thankful that thorns have roses.”

~Alphonse Karr

I've kind of had a cranky week, between the crappy weather we've had and all this pre-IVF stuff driving me nuts.

So I decided it was high time for a Kula post.

Things I'm grateful for today:

• While school has been difficult, I am lucky to be on the team that I am. The three other teachers that I work with are very professional but are also great people. I confided in them yesterday that we'd been starting IVF this month, and they were interested but concerned. I hope we get to stay together next year.
• B-dog is still doing great. In fact, she has so much energy lately that we don't know what to do with her!
• We had a vet appt yesterday and I was able to get all her medical records (which was quite the thick stack!). This will allow me to change to a new vet more easily. I feel a little awkward about it because I really like the techs there, but I just can't deal with the vet there for much longer.
• KB. Thank goodness for KB.
• Speaking of KB, she convinced me to take a personal day on Monday (I haven't used any of my personal days and they don't roll over to the next year the way my sick days do) and we're going to have a spa day. Well, more of a spa morning, but that's okay- I don't think I could do a whole day at the spa. :) We're getting a wrap, a facial, and a massage and then going to lunch.
• It's finally sunny today! I think the weekend weather is supposed to be iffy, but it is May and the closer we get to summer the more nice days there will be.
• My lilacs are *this close* to blooming! I may be able to get some cuttings today for my living room! (In the spirit of the title of this posts, my rose bush is also looking good, although I probably have another month until I see blooms.)
  
• Insurance. I know I mentioned this the other day, but I am very aware that we are super lucky that our treatments are covered by insurance. They put in to my insurance on Tuesday for approval for an IVF cycle and it was approved by Thursday. With all the craziness that goes along with this, it's nice that this big chunk of worry is taken off of our shoulders.
• III. Through good and bad days, I remain thankful for III. The year before we met, there were times when I thought I'd never meet anyone with whom I would want to share my life with. I feel so lucky that he is in my life. I think we have a very balanced and respectful relationship and I just love him more than I imagined loving anyone. He's also got a really cute butt. :-P
• It's FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful, relaxing weekend!

Clearly, I have much more to say today...

...because this post is much longer than yesterday's.

B-dog has her last treatment today. This is nice because when she has treatment I have to leave the house at 6am and drive in the opposite direction that I would drive to go to work. I do love having her in the car though. She loves to sit next to me, and as long as we're driving she's super calm. If I pet her or scratch her chin, she is so happy and just leans into me. I just love that dog so damn much. M-dog has been super cuddly lately too. He comes over and puts his head in my lap so that I will rub his ears. In the mornings, he comes and lays on the rug in the bathroom while I do my makeup so he can be close by. I'm so in love with my dogs!

My neighbors, on the other hand, suck. Not all of them- just one in particular. We live at a T-intersection. We live at the top of the T, and this neighbor lives along the vertical part of the T, (does that make sense?), two houses away. There is some discussion around the neighborhood about whether he is a 'user'. III has some concerns about that as well, because of some habits he appears to have. Aside from that, though...he and his high school son play catch in the street. The son throws the ball, and the dad "catches" it- except he doesn't. So the ball regularly goes into our yard. Which wouldn't be a big deal- except they've hit our cars, our porch, and set III's work car alarm off multiple times. The other day I heard a huge BANG. The dogs went nuts. I oped the door, and saw them outside. The father was retrieving the ball from our yard and then walked away without a word. I stood there in the doorway with the dogs going nuts... and he finally turned around and said "Whoops. The ball bounced." I looked at the door- there was a dent in our steel door. FINALLY they decided maybe they should throw the other way- away from our house.

But it was too late. Now, III is PISSED. In the past, when they have hit something and he's called out to ask them to be a little more careful, we haven't really gotten a positive response. (We actually don't get much of a response... more of a "yeah, yeah...") He knew there was a good chance he would lose his temper if he went over there, especially if the dad was rude or dismissive. So yesterday, while working on a case with the local police, he spoke to them about what they thought he should do. Apparently, our town has some sort of community outreach at the PD that helps with neighbor disputes. So he called the outreach, told them who he was, and explained the situation. So I guess they are going to talk to our neighbor. I'm a little wary... I understand why he didn't want to go over there, but I kind of feel like if the PD came knocking on our door about a situation like that, I'd wonder why the person didn't just come talk to me themselves. III is trying to avoid issues with the neighbor, but hopefully this solution doesn't cause additional issues...

I have a beta on Monday. I've just been exhausted this week. At first, I thought it was just adjusting from being back from vacation. Then I realized- I felt like this around the same time last cycle. So while the meds don't seem to give me specific side effects while I'm taking them, they seem to change my cycle enough that a) I'm exhausted beginning about 8 dpo and b) I'm definitely crankier and moodier. I don't really get much PMS under regular circumstances, but the last two cycles I definitely have some PMS-y symptoms.

Of course, I won't know for sure whether or not I'm pregnant. If I do end up pregnant, it may be too early for anything in my body to have changed enough to eliminate those symptoms. Or it could be causing my symptoms. I'm not super optimistic that this cycle will be successful, but I do have a smidgen of hope. According to Dr. Z, there is no known reason why we shouldn't be able to get pregnant with IUI... luckily, if it doesn't work again this time, he is proactive enough to move us along to a procedure with a higher probability of success.

One more day to the weekend. Four days to beta. Thirty seven (school) days until summer break!!!

Wedding pictures

I wanted to elope.

Well, maybe not a true elopement. I would have been happy to go to the Bahamas with III, his family and his best friend, KB, AL, and my immediate family. Unfortunately, my in-laws don't fly. That and other reasons led us to plan a standard, 100 person wedding in a hotel ballroom.

I hated all the planning. I stressed out. I couldn't wait for it to be over.

...but I loved the day. I wish I could remember every single moment off it flawlessly.

My classroom-neighbor's niece recently got engaged. She asked me about my dress and I spent half an hour on Mag.gie Sot.tero's website linking to dresses I thought she'd like.

III's cousin is getting married in September. I like perusing her wedding website and hearing about her wedding plans through my MIL.

Even my ex. It still bothers me that he's engaged (again) and their wedding draws closer and closer. I'm drawn to their wedding website. Damn internet. But I like looking at the pictures they post and am curious about their wedding. It's definitely a flaw.

All of these things make me nostalgic for planning a wedding. Which is odd considering how much I hated the planning.

Maybe it's the romance of it. The excitement. The interest of others. The anticipation.

We had a wonderful wedding. We had just the right number of guests- we were able to talk to everyone and still enjoy ourselves. I felt like a princess in my dress, with my hair and make up done. III looked so handsome in his tux (even with the divot in his head from dropping a piece of exercise equipment on it the previous day). We danced our asses off and neither of us could stop smiling all night long.

I love wedding pictures. Even those of people I don't know. Yesterday I teared up watching a clip from some girl's wedding on Say Yes To the Dress. LOL

So I've been looking at our pictures. The albums I worked so hard on. The pictures we have online. I was disappointed with my photographer for a number of reasons, but he got enough good shots for me to make an album. Plus, I had hundreds of shots from friends and family that they uploaded onto kodakgallery for me.

It's hard to look objectively- to see them as just wedding pictures. To look for the romance and the joy. I'm analyzing my hair, and my makeup (both artists did an amazing job...). Looking at how much thinner I was. Seeing III's divot...

But I love looking. I love remembering that day. I like to remind myself that it was mine. Mine and III's. We had a beautiful day and have beautiful memories of it. And now we have a beautiful life- really we do. There are things we still want. There are days that are hard. But we've got it pretty good over here. I've got it pretty good. What a lucky girl I am. :)

Sibling rivalry

I have one sister. She is seventeen months younger than me and we couldn't be more different.

I also believe that my parents treated us very differently. As a teacher, I understand that "fair" doesn't always mean "the same." However, IMO this kind of spiraled out of control in my family.

This morning, when I looked at my face.book account, my sister's status said "[sister] had fun using W.ii Fit. Thanks mom, for the early birthday present."

I am thirty three years old. This should not bother me. I feel childish because it does.

But my birthday was in December. My mom called me on my birthday to wish me happy birthday and then told me she didn't know what to get me.

A week later when I talked to her, she said she had gotten me "something small" but needed something else. I told her that I really wanted to buy an i.Pod T.ouch but wasn't sure I wanted to spend that much. I told her if she wanted to, she could send me a gift certificate that I could use towards the i.Pod.

The first week of February, I spoke to her again. She hadn't "gotten around" to it yet. I wanted to have the i.Pod when I went on vacation, so I told her that if she still wanted to contribute towards it she should send a check. She never did.

Now, I am aware that there is no rule that says my mom has to buy me birthday presents. In fact, I was even uncomfortable suggesting she send me a check. But she did ask me what she should give me.

I don't know if she really did buy my sister the W.ii Fit or if it is a similar situation- she said she'd send her money for it. And if it is that situation, it's possible she hasn't sent the money. But I know my sister, and she WILL continue to ask.

This is just one of many situations (often around money, but not always) that just makes me nuts with my family.

There are so many I could list here.
How my sister would call when she was in college and cry to my parents that she couldn't pay off her credit card, so they'd send her money. Meanwhile, I never asked them to send me money and was working three jobs to buy my class texts.
How my sister hated her job and would call my parents crying, so they told her to quit and sent her money to help her while she was unemployed for five months. I never would have considered quitting a job without another lined up. My first year of teaching was terrible. Every day I would call my boyfriend and cry "What if I can't find another job! I'll have to do this for another year!!!"
How my parents paid for my sister's entire wedding. Five years later, as I was planning mine, they told me "We aren't going to be able to help you out at all, money wise." This bothers me more than it should, because we likely wouldn't have taken money from them anyway. We wanted control over the wedding decisions. But it's the principle of the thing! In all fairness, they did make our invitations (they did my sister's too) and, when my mom visited me six months after our wedding, they ended up buying us a dining room hutch as a wedding gift. But they planned and paid for the entire wedding for my sister.

My sister is one of those people who is able to make everyone else miserable if she does not like how things are going. This is something even my parents will admit to. Because of this, my parents tend to give in to my sister more easily than they do to me. And even in my thirties, it grates on me.

My sister's version of the story is very different, I'm sure. When we were both visiting last summer, we were talking about my uncle's HS competitiveness with my dad and how he continued to stew about it over the last forty years. My sister started talking about how she always felt competitive with me when we were kids (really? I didn't participate in this competition...) and how it was the "cause of her depression" when she was 25.

Blah. I'm totally not explaining this well, and am probably coming off like a totally insensitive bitch. (Well, I guess I need to live up to my blog title...) But when she said that, my dad, who "sides" with her and stands up for her almost all of the time, refuted this. "I don't think it caused your depression. It may have been one contributing factor..."

Because of her feelings of competitiveness (I'm projecting), she's done many of the things my parents wanted both of us to do- things I didn't. She joined the teams my dad wanted us to join. She went to the college they encouraged both of us to go to (the same one they graduated from). She is much more religiously observant than I am. She got married at 24. She had a baby at 29.

My parents, especially my dad, tell me that this is in all my head. They tell me that I have little patience for my sister and am judgemental towards her. And maybe I am. But I have to say, I feel strongly that their behavior towards her has fueled this.

I had my feelings and opinions about my sister validated a bit last summer. When we were visiting, III got to interact with my sister (and see how she interacts with my family) for himself for the first time. He had obviously heard what I had to say about her, but one thing that I really respect about III is he tells me what he thinks, even if it disagrees with my opinions.

He was shocked at the difference in how my parents interacted with me and with my sister. He expressed that he found my sister difficult- that she acted spoiled and was attention seeking. It made me feel like I'm not totally off base. If someone else feels this way after observing my sister, even after a short time, then there must be some basis for my feelings towards her.

I don't expect this to change. My therapist has suggested that I talk to my parents about this, but when I have approached it in the past the reaction, especially from my dad, has not been good. He gets very defensive. This summer when it came up, he threw a holy fit and basically denied a lot of stuff that I know for a fact happened. It's like he has selective memory around some things.

So apparently this is just something I will have to deal with in the years to come. My dad hasn't been to visit me since my wedding. He's never met my dog, because she was at the sitter when we got married, and the last time he was here before that was before I got B-dog. I've had her for four years this June. They have visited my sister multiple times in those years. Part of that is because I tend to make visiting them a priority, while my sister tells them they can't afford the tickets. Part of that recently is because she has a son. I can't help wondering how (or if) it will change once we have kids...

Ultimately, as much as this irritates me, I would rather be me than be her. I am very independent and responsible, and a big part of why is likely my parents expectations of me, and the money issues (ie: not having any money) I had in early adulthood. While there were many difficult times because of those things, I wouldn't trade them for anything because they helped me develop characteristics and strategies that I am proud of and that have gotten me where I am today.

More perspective...

Three years today, III proposed. Happy proposal-versary to me. :)

If you read my blog regularly, you may know that perspective is a big thing for me. In fact, just the other day one of my friends told me that when she is in a situation that is upsetting her, it's like she has my voice in her ear encouraging her to look at others' perspectives in the situation.

IF sucks. Big time. And it's a big deal- whether or not we'll have kids. Life changing. But a number of things this week have definitely given me some perspective.

I don't know this family, but my heart breaks for them. I can't imagine their pain. Last night I read Maddie's father's words, and it brought tears to my eyes. No one should lose their child. And to know that this is a family who struggled with infertility makes and infinitely sad situation even more so, if that's possible.

I read this article today (after I wrote this post, so now I'm adding to it...). I recently became an organ donor. I have mixed feelings about it, but that's mostly related to my own issues and fears about dying. If I was dying of some sort of disease that could be remedied by getting a transplant, you can bet I'd be happy that others are donors.

One of the women who works on my team was diagnosed this year with ALS. Advanced, rapidly progressing, ALS. I think about how hard it is for me to think about, for example, next Christmas, and know it's quite possible B-dog won't be with me anymore. I can't imagine what it's like to know, as her daughter does, that next Christmas my MOM wouldn't be with me anymore. Or to know that I wouldn't be here. Despite all of this, she still is making an attempt to come to work as often as possible. Sadly, today she came to work, only to find that she couldn't handle being here. I went into the office to discover her colleagues trying to arrange a way to get her down the stairs, into a car, and home. This is a very private, stoic woman, who now has to rely on help from others. Who was in tears at her work place today. Who knows she is going to die, and it is going to be sooner rather than later. Who knows that her struggle, even if it is short, is going to be terrible before her death. So, so sad.

It is a wonder to me that we all make it through all of this. Life is so uncertain. It scares me immensely to think that B-dog will die, my parents will die, III will die, I will die. I continue to be afraid that we won't be able to have children, but if we are, new fears replace the old. Not the least being, they, too, will die! Obvious, I know. But to me so, so scary. I don't know how I would deal with each of these situations. I often feel like I couldn't deal. But you do. They do. I would.

I didn't mean for this post to get so morbid. I meant for it to be about being happy for what I do have. A lovely home. Financial security. My health. My family. My friends. My dogs. My loving, wonderful husband.

So, today's quotable:

Scared.

After a lovely weekend of friends and fun I was finally feeling content. Then, Monday morning, I walked into work and it just hit me- ugh. It's too bad I'm not enjoying my job this year. I saw two former students this morning and remembered that I have loved my job before. Maybe it's just a bad year. :(

On top of that, I got scared last night. Scared enough that I had trouble falling asleep. Scared that we won't be able to have a baby. Scared that whatever is wrong is not fixable. I hate this.

III had another SA. His numbers for our IUIs have been inconsistent. Also, Dr. Z wants him to have a SC.SA test. Having so much info on the internet can be helpful, but it also can be emotionally detrimental to someone like me. Reading about it last night scared me. What if he has the DNA fragmentation? Dr. Z said we'd go straight to IVF. By when will we know? We're already into this cycle. I'm on CD 6 with 3 days of injections under my belt. (well, above it actually...) I'm praying for a <15%.

For those who are interested... his baseline numbers:

Sperm Concentration 20 million/ml
Total Sperm Count 104 million
Sperm Motility 50 %
Rate of Progression 3
Semen Color Clear
Volume 5.2 ml
Viscosity none
pH 7.8
Round Cells 0 million/ml
Liquefaction Complete
Total # of Motile Sperm 52 million
% Normal Forms 2 %
% Head Defects 92 %
% Tail Defects 6 %

And last week's numbers:

Sperm Concentration 9 million/ml
Total Sperm Count 47.7 million
Sperm Motility 44 %
Rate of Progression 3
Semen Color Clear
Volume 5.3 ml
Viscosity none
pH 7.8
Round Cells 0 million/ml
Liquefaction Complete
Total # of Motile Sperm 21 million
% Normal Forms 2 %
% Head Defects 81 %
% Tail Defects 17 %

There is clearly a morphology issue, but at our first meeting post baseline SA, Dr. Z said that it wasn't a concern because the count was plenty high. I wonder if that analysis will change since the last SA.

Our IUI numbers have been all over the place, from 2.4 million total motile sperm this last IUI (the first day, when motility was only like 9%) to 12.1 total motile sperm at our first January IUI. My understanding is they like anything above 5 million. (Our last two IUIs were both below 5...)(I'm such a math teacher... six IUIs, median=6.2, range= 9.7. ha ha ha.)

Anyway... needing one of these today....
Oh, I hope so. :(

"Books and friends should be few but good."

I don't know if I agree about the books part of that proverb (I like my books to be good, but as for them being few...?), but I realized this weekend that the friends part definitely applies to me.

Yesterday, KB and I had a girls' afternoon at lunch and a performance of Dirty Dancing. (Anyone else see this? It's just like the movie- a little cheesy to tell the truth, but I love stage musicals... I even teared up a bit during "I've Had the Time of My Life". LOL. Such a sap...) I wish I saw her more, but I love her. She's in my top 5 people who I love the most. (By the way, B-dog is in the top 5 too, even though I guess she's not technically a person...)

A college friend, C, and her husband came over on Saturday night to watch hockey with us. III can be kind of shy and I think he has a bit of social anxiety. But he gets along awesomely with this friend's husband. So we always have a good time when we visit with this couple.

This friend and I used to have a mutual friend, also from our college. She is a sad case- I won't go into specifics because it's no longer important, but I decided about five years ago that her energy was just too negative. She was often not nice to me and she was rarely nice to friends of mine that were not a part of our college group. She is, however, still friends with C.

While getting ready for C's visit, I started thinking about friendship. C is one of the only remaining college friends with whom I am in regular contact. (There are 2 others with whom I keep in email contact, but they both live out of state so I rarely see them.) When I think of the people who I really would count as friends, I probably could count them on my fingers. At one time in my life, this may have made me sad, but now it makes me happy. I have lots of acquaintances and casual friends, but as for those who are really friends, I prefer to have "few but good". Every person who makes that list is someone who I enjoy being around, trust, and love. Life's too short for it to be otherwise.

ETA: In honor of Caroline, I'm going to try to periodically (daily? Maybe too ambitious) post quotes. One of my favorite sites (and where I buy a lot of my greeting cards) is the Quot.able site. That's where I get a lot of my quotes...

So today's quote, for Caroline (and a lot of us who need it...)

Rough

Okay. Things just kind of suck right now.

Getting up in the morning and coming to school gets harder and harder. My job is exhausting me and I'm just not enjoying it right now. Every morning my alarm goes off and I just want to pull the blankets up over my head and go back to sleep.

III is feeling that times ten. He is extremely unhappy at work right now. He hates the squad he's on and he's feeling like he's getting taken advantage of from every angle. He comes home and is tired and cranky and defeated. This morning, I could just see him fighting to make himself go to work. He was so visibly miserable. He has even started talking about quitting his job and going back to work for his dad (which frightens me as that would mean a move 1500 miles away...).

You know how they say that women are venters and men are fixers- that when a couple has a conversation, often times the woman just wants to vent and have someone listen, but the guy always wants to "fix" it? Well, I'm a fixer. It comes from my dad- he's totally that way too. I need to have a plan and know that I'm doing something to try to make things better. So I hate seeing III like this because there is really little I can do. I have no control over what happens at work. All I can do is to be as supportive as I can at home, but between my own work stuff and this ttc stuff, I'm not doing so great myself.

As I mentioned yesterday (and elaborated on in the comments) I bought some cards yesterday. I bought one for III. It said "everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end." Then I went online and bought him a gift certificate for a massage. (This place near our house has a special for first time clients.) I wrote him a note and put in the gift certificate. I slipped it into his lunch bag this morning while he was in the shower, so when he eats his lunch he'll find it (hopefully!). I hope it makes his day a little better and reminds him that we're in this together and that things will get better.

Quotable...

I went shopping for some cards today to tell some of the important people in my life just how much they mean to me.

I found this one and bought it- for myself. It made me think of this whole baby making process...
(Happiness is a journey, not a destination. For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. ~Souza)

Quotable Cards