One long ass update post.

So I haven't posted a real update in a while, and there has been lots going on at the same time there has been little going on. Does that even make sense?

I don't even know where to start, so excuse me if this is a little random and all over the place.

We have been staying out at the lake, but it hasn't been as relaxing as we thought it might be. We spent 2 days driving out there, and 2 day settling in, then it was the 4th of July and all of III's family descended on us. We had another day or two and then we headed out for a week to visit my family for a reunion and surprise anniversary party for my parents (planned long distance by me). We returned and had 9 days to ourselves, though III started his temporary work assignment and was settling in there. Then my parents came out to the lake, and my mom stayed for 9 days while my dad traveled around to different baseball stadiums. In the midst of all of this, III's family was out every weekend. While it has been nice to see them and spend time with them, it's hard for us to get time to relax. Plus, it winds our dogs up. III's family only has little, non shedding dogs, so they are a little overwhelmed by our big, loud, shedding, slobbery boxers. In part because of this, III's mom drove us crazy with her super OCD-ed-ness. She keeps bringing out old towels and covering the furniture with sheets (under the blankets we've already covered it with) and buying new "knock-around" comforters for the bedroom, like our dogs are going to tear apart the house or something.

Today I'm headed back home for the week because my myomectomy is on Thursday. I go in tomorrow for pre-op tests, can't eat all day on Wednesday, and then have surgery on Thursday. Sunday we fly back to the lake for one more week, and then we head home for a while. Our plan keeps changing, but we had gotten to a point where the thought was that we'd be out there for at least 2 and possibly 5 months... or possibly forever if a transfer occurred. This weekend III told me he thinks we should go home for now. His dad is doing okay on the IV and there's not much for III to do for him. When it gets to a point where he gets his transfer, we'll probably do this all over again.

While I'm happy to head home, it also is making my head spin because it was not originally the plan. I've been working out with a personal trainer for the past two weeks, and I really like her. (Side note- the first day I met her, she tells me "in the spirit of full disclosure I want to let you know that I'm 4 and a half months pregnant." Of course you are. Because this is my life. She is due 3 days after I would have been due with my last pregnancy. Luckily, as I said, I like her so I guess it's not really that big of deal anymore...) I'm disappointed to have to start over somewhere else, and to leave when I feel like she and I have made a connection. The little town we're staying in is also growing on me, and it is certainly nice for me and the dogs to be on the lake.

Also... I officially took leave from my job. So I'm kind of freaking out. Since we're going home, I guess a part of my head tells me that I did it for nothing... but that's not totally true, because III's dad could get a heart at any time and then we'll be heading back. Plus... well, anyone who has read my blog for the past year knows that last year was not a super happy one at work, so maybe I really do need to regroup and think about what I want to do. But, it's one thing to want that and another for it actually to happen. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now that I'm jobless for the year, plus I can't help worrying about the money, even though we have money in our savings. I also find myself in kind of an identity crisis... I am an eighth grade math teacher. That's what I DO and who I AM. And, damn it, I'm good at it! So what happens when I'm no longer part of an eighth grade classroom? Hm.

Something else that's been hard is KB. She has been my main support through a lot of this, but I'm finding talking to her more stressful than helpful lately. She is full on FREAKING OUT about my potential move, and I find I don't even want to tell her what is going on because I end up consoling her or wanting to hide stuff from her. I 100% understand where she's coming from, because I have the same anxiety about us living so far apart. But I also have the anxiety of where I'm going to work, where I'm going to live, making new friends, and hoping that my FIL doesn't die before he gets a new heart, and that the new heart works. Oh, and then there's the whole infertility thing too...

I hope to update about my myomectomy in the next few days. I can't find much about others' experiences to know what to expect, so I'll try to post mine for others in a similar situation to find.

I also apologize for not keeping up with your blogs. We're using an USB modem, which limits my online time. And... well, as many of you probably also find, when you're on an IF 'break' sometimes you fall off the IF blog wagon, both writing and reading.

Hope everyone is well. Be back soon!!!

We're here.

The trip was long but uneventful. Dogs did awesome. I was exhausted, but III did most of the driving, so I don't really have anything to complain about.

I'm not really happy to be here. The reality is hitting me that we're probably more or less here for good. And it's not really where I want to be.

And honestly? I have no desire to live near my in-laws. Or my family, to be perfectly frank. I wish we lived closer than we did. But not close. I know that is obnoxious. And selfish. But it's true. And yesterday it hit me- at home it's just me and III. And I like it. I worry how this will change our relationship. :(

But last night when we went to bed, I told III "I love you so much." and he replied, "I know you do. That's why we're here." So I know he appreciates it.

In other news-

I talked to my ex boyfriend on FB last night. It was interesting. He is definitely not in any way "the one who got away". But we were together for a long time, and so he's a big part of my history. It was nice to have a friendly chat with him and hear how he and his family are doing.

I had an orientation to volunteer at the local animal shelter yesterday. I'm glad to have something to do where I'll be meeting people and helping animals. I'm a little worried that I'm not going to meet "my kind of people", but that's a stupid worry to have right now so I just need to go with it.

I have scheduled my fibroid surgery for August 5. So I'll have to fly home for that week (pre op blood test and u/s are on the 3rd).

I miss KB like crazy already. Is it abnormal to be so attached to your BFF?

Exercise routine to start... soon? I could start today... but the holiday weekend... bah. Maybe I'll start next week.

I feel disgusting.

I can't believe how fat I am right now.

Today is supposed to be near 80. I shaved my legs and got ready to wear a skirt and something short sleeved....

None of my clothes fit me.

Literally.

I'm in jeans and a sleeveless sweater that, when I bought it, was too big (but it was on sale and I didn't try it on).

As of this morning, I weigh twenty-seven pounds more than I did on my wedding day.

This is not okay.

I have been planning to start some sort of workout, but so far it has not happened. I have had a really hard time getting motivated...

So I think I'm going to do something I never ever thought I would consider.

Personal trainer.

III will kill me for spending money on that... he thinks it's a waste. "Just work out!" he says. As if it's just that easy. Because for him, it is. But I hate to work out. And I'm tired and not motivated to do it on my own (even by the roll of fat hanging over my jeans).

So I think I'm going to do it. I have to do something.

In other news...

III came home devastated last night. The summer plan that he thought he had with his job had a wrench thrown into it. I wish I could go into it further, but it's f-ed up and complicated... basically, if we go now, we can't go later (like if his dad has surgery or, worse, is dying) and even going now isn't for as much time as he was led to believe.

First he was pissed. He told me he didn't want to talk about it.

Then he cried.

I insisted that he go to work today and ask what he has to do to take unpaid family leave. We can survive for two months without his salary. That's why we have savings- for emergencies like this.

I hope he does. He didn't say anything after I told him that, but his mood seemed lighter and he seemed to feel better throughout the evening. I'm hoping that means he agrees. If he doesn't, I'll have to take more drastic measures.

Because even though I don't really want to... we're going. We have to go. We can't keep going on like we have been. He has to be with his dad. We have to have a change of scenery. We both need a break from worrying about work, when it seems so trivial compared to everything else going on in our lives.