We're here.

The trip was long but uneventful. Dogs did awesome. I was exhausted, but III did most of the driving, so I don't really have anything to complain about.

I'm not really happy to be here. The reality is hitting me that we're probably more or less here for good. And it's not really where I want to be.

And honestly? I have no desire to live near my in-laws. Or my family, to be perfectly frank. I wish we lived closer than we did. But not close. I know that is obnoxious. And selfish. But it's true. And yesterday it hit me- at home it's just me and III. And I like it. I worry how this will change our relationship. :(

But last night when we went to bed, I told III "I love you so much." and he replied, "I know you do. That's why we're here." So I know he appreciates it.

In other news-

I talked to my ex boyfriend on FB last night. It was interesting. He is definitely not in any way "the one who got away". But we were together for a long time, and so he's a big part of my history. It was nice to have a friendly chat with him and hear how he and his family are doing.

I had an orientation to volunteer at the local animal shelter yesterday. I'm glad to have something to do where I'll be meeting people and helping animals. I'm a little worried that I'm not going to meet "my kind of people", but that's a stupid worry to have right now so I just need to go with it.

I have scheduled my fibroid surgery for August 5. So I'll have to fly home for that week (pre op blood test and u/s are on the 3rd).

I miss KB like crazy already. Is it abnormal to be so attached to your BFF?

Exercise routine to start... soon? I could start today... but the holiday weekend... bah. Maybe I'll start next week.

Saturday hodge-podge

I'll start with the most embarrassing thing on my mind today.

My ex is getting married today.

I had thought maybe he had (once again) canceled his wedding. (He's done it before with a different girl.) But, thank you face.book, I discovered that his wedding is happening today.

I wish I didn't care. I know it makes me small, but there is a petty, mean part of me that doesn't want him to be happy. I still feel like he's a total lying jerk. But maybe this girl changed things for him. Maybe he's a better person now. Ironically, that thought makes me feel a little better.

Though I still can't stand him.

Moving on...

B seems to be doing better today, which leads me to believe she was having some side effects from the meds. Her mandibular lymph nodes are a little smaller, but that happened the last time too before they blew up again. The down side to trying each of these protocols is the up and down yo-yo it keeps me on. As terrible as it will be when her time comes, at least it will be final.

For the last few weeks I've been knitting a sweater. It's my first adult sweater and is from the Sti.tch 'n' Bit.ch book, which I finally broke down and purchased. It was supposed to be made in angora, but I wasn't willing to spend $10 a skein for a sweater I wasn't sure would work out, so I used a cheap but soft acrylic yarn of the same size/weight. It definitely acts different, but I think I'm going to be able to pull it off. It has lots of ribbing, so it's taking forever. I'm finally done with the front and back and am now onto the boring part- sleeves. I find them boring and I have to do it twice! Hopefully I'll be done in the next few days, and I really hope it's wearable. I may not have spent as much money on it, but it's been hours and hours of knitting. On the bright side, the pattern definitely taught me some new knitting stuff that will be helpful in the future.

My appt with Dr. Z yesterday was quick and easy. He seemed very happy for me and asked how I was feeling. I told him that I felt well, but I am nervous- that this whole process makes it so that I 'know too much' and it is still so early. I go tomorrow for my second beta and am hoping for 400+. Assuming it doubles, I call on Monday to schedule a 6 week u/s around Labor Day.

III and I went out to dinner last night (to one of our favorite Italian places- oh, I already miss the wine!). He is feeling the same way I am- not sure how excited to be. III told me "If we had just gotten pregnant on our own in the first six months and you had gotten a positive HPT, I would have been like 'woohoo! We're pregnant!' but after going through all of this, I don't know how to feel... now we're concerned with numbers and all of that."

He told one of his coworkers so that he knew why his head might not be in his work as much as usual. As we talked, I could tell he's tentatively feeling excited. He told me "I can't wait to see what strange cravings you'll have," and "I have to start watching what I say- there are cynical things I say that I don't really mean but that I wouldn't want to say in front of a kid." I told him I thought he had a little while to work on that. LOL. Also funny- I called him on my way to my dr appt and asked if there was anything he wanted me to ask. He said "No, not really. It's still early so at this point we just need the thing to keep growing!" I laughed. 'The thing.' LOL. Just another example of how this is not quite real for us yet- I don't think either of us are ready to believe it.

Day o' lists

What's going on:

• I went to dinner with KB last night. She's always late and I always end up waiting for her. I got the scoop on her month of ttc. Ovulation possible this weekend. End of cycle anywhere between the 20th and the 30th. Basically that means each of us could be finding out around the same time. Should be interesting.
• Poor M-dog. He had ACL surgery on his right leg when we first got him. Sometimes it still acts up- we noticed he was having some trouble and started him on aspirin with his meals. Yesterday, I realized it is his LEFT leg that's hurting him. Ugh. Hopefully he just strained it by favoring his right, but, on top of the fact that he's uncomfortable, the thought of the cost of another surgery makes me wince. And I'm not sure the pet insurance will cover it- since he had trouble with his right knee, they might consider it pre existing, even though it's his other leg.
• Because M-dog was feeling poorly, he was acting very subdued this morning. That made me concerned, so I took his temp. Yep, I started my morning by sticking a thermometer in my dogs ass. Fun for us both. Then I got to school and during first period (my worst class) I got a massive bloody nose. Clots and everything. I had to leave the class. Yuck.
• Saturday, thinking I was being all nice and wifey, I made the bed with clean sheets. Tucked them in and all. When I came to bed, my side was untucked. I said to III "Did you untuck my side??" He said "No, I remade the bed. Your side was up higher than my side." Seriously???? I said "Here I am trying to do something nice and make the bed and you decide that I did it wrong and redo it???" He realized his faux pas at that point and felt bad... *sigh* I just can't get it right. Either he's irritated because I'm not doing stuff, or I take the time to do it but I don't, in his opinion, do it the right way. Bite me.
• Found out another ex is getting married. Not sure why this stuff bothers me... KB and I talked about it yesterday. I think it's that, that time of engagement is supposed to be such a romantic, exciting time (although, in reality, I found it to be stressful and anxiety inducing). These exes with whom I had bad experiences or unpleasant endings- it makes me feel jealous, not that someone else is going to marry them, but that they get to go through this romantic, exciting time. It's not that I want them to be miserable... (well, not in ever case), it's just that I don't like to think of them being too happy. Petty of me, I know. But it is what it is.
• Saturday and Sunday- 150 iuis Meno.pur, 300 iuis Bra.velle, 5 units Lu.pron. Fun stuff. Repeat tonight and tomorrow, blood and u/s on Wednesday. I don't know what to expect, but just hope that I get some damn eggs.
• Three more Mondays of school after today. I have this great plan to be productive this week... so far, it's not going very well...
  

I had a very relaxing though not especially productive weekend. (So sad that it's over!) It made me think about being a parent. Clearly, I want to have a baby more than just about anything right now. I consciously work not to make a list of all the things I'm missing out on by not being a parent.

However, this weekend I thought about the things we are still able to enjoy while we wait for kiddos.

• Sleeping in on Saturdays and Sundays.
• Dinners out
• Spontaneous plans, with each other or with friends
• Ease of travel plans and vacations
  
• Watching whatever we want on TV
• Time to watch TV, read books, surf the net, lay out in the sunshine, or just be lazy
• Time to make appointments- haircuts, manicures, doctor...
  
• Decorating freedom- no need to baby proof
• Time for projects that I want to accomplish
  
• Time and energy to focus on (and probably spoil) our dogs
• Time and energy (most of the time) to focus on each other
• Time and energy (most of the time) for sex

I'm sure there are more, but that's all I've got for now. :)

It's such a bad habit...

I have a constant curiosity about my exes.

It's not any sort of longing to be with them. I actually have no ex whom I look back and think "I wish that could have worked out." Each one didn't work out for a very good reason, and there are so many ways each day that it is clear to me that things worked out the way they are supposed to. That III is who I should be with.

Somehow, I still seek out information on these men- two in particular, though periodically others. I don't know why. I know it's a terrible habit that is sometimes even unhealthy, but I continue to do it. I know I shouldn't. I'm embarrassed by the compulsion. I don't even confess it to my therapist. But the internet makes it so easy and so tempting...

My college boyfriend, M, is remarried and living something like 2000 miles away. His wife keeps a (public) blog of stories and pictures of their family and their kids. They have 2- a boy (3 I think) and a girl (just over a year). This is my boyfriend who I was with for 6 years- we planned to get married. (This is the same one from my facebook quandary.) While I have no desire to be with him- it's been something like seven years since we broke up and I don't even know him anymore- I was so stung and saddened when we broke up, and even more so when, less than a year later, he got engaged to this woman to whom he is now married. So I guess there is a piece of that that sticks in my gut- maybe it's my pride that's scarred?

Anyway- this post does have a point. I looked at their blog yesterday. (Bad girl! Bad!) Lots of new pictures of their adorable kids. It hurt me in a new way- here is this man with whom I thought I would have kids, who has 2 with his wife and gets to be a daddy. Here am I- with someone with whom I so want to have babies, and we can't. Worst of all- WE DON'T KNOW WHY. Is it me? Is it him? Is it us together? Would each of us be able to conceive with someone else?

I don't want M... but I want that life. I want to have a family. I want to be a mommy. I want to watch III be a daddy.

*sigh*

And in other obsessions....

I am feeling very irritated that a certain one of my exes is getting married.

The announcement was in the paper this weekend, but I already knew because, about some things, I am a total Google Stalker.

This is the relationship that led me to need therapy the first time around. The relationship that initiated the first "secret blog". This was a guy (lets call him R) who was totally unsuitable for me. A guy that I kept questioning whether I should be with him- until he dumped me.

Dumped is too formal a word for what happened. R was going to Iraq. We'd been dating for less than 2 months. We were, as I mentioned, an unsuitable match. We discussed how I did not have it in me to have a long distance relationship (I'd tried)- that it was too hard on me.

So he disappeared. Except when he was drunk. Then I'd get random emails telling me how much he missed me, and that he'd call me. Then he'd get sober and wouldn't. He avoided my calls. I turned into that psycho ex girlfriend. (When we were together, I got to hear about several psycho ex girlfriends, including the one who showed up drunk at his door at 2am and the one who stole his license plate. I was not THAT psycho, but realized how those girls became psycho ex girlfriends- he probably treated them the way he treated me...)

R went away to training, still in the US, and would send me emails and IMs about how sorry he was about the way he treated me and about how much he cared about me and that he always thought that if he hadn't been going away we "would have made this work." On Labor Day weekend we had an IM conversation where I asked him if he had been seeing someone else during the time where he was disappearing from our relationship. His exact words were "No, and I'm not seeing anyone now."

Four weeks later he was engaged to a girl he had been dating long distance for six weeks while he was at training.

I called him on his phone from work, and he answered. He didn't know what to say. I was SO ANGRY.

R and this girl dated on and off for the next two years. (I know all of this because I made the mistake of dating a guy who is from the town where I work- therefore, I had cousins of his in my class and his fiance's sister was in the grade that I teach. Word gets around, even when I wasn't looking for it, and I shamefully admit, sometimes I went looking...) They broke up for a summer then got back together. They had a wedding planned for February '07. By January '07 they had broken up again.

Last Christmas ('07) he apparently got engaged to a new girl. They are getting married this summer.

Does my disgust over this mean I don't want him to be happy? Probably. Ugh, doesn't that make me a bitch? But, even knowing in hindsight that he was never the person I thought he was, and knowing that I am EXTREMELY lucky that he showed his true colors to me early on and I didn't get sucked into an engagement or worse before I found out... I'm bitter. He made me doubt myself- my judgement. The two months I spent with him took me a full year to get over. The guy from whom I contracted herpes was a rebound to my relationship with him (not that that's his fault- it's fully mine for making bad choices. But that particular bad choice wouldn't have happened if I hadn't made the bad choice of dating R). I'm also skeptical as to whether this is going to be a successful relationship for him. When we dated, he pretended to be the person he thought I wanted him to be. From all accounts I've heard, it sounds like he is doing something similar with this woman.

Reading others' blogs sometimes gives me insight into feelings I have that I, myself, have not been able to put into words. This post on Snickollet's blog is an example of that. She explains it far better than I ever could. R was "that person" for me. I don't know if I will ever shake that completely, though I am so happy I didn't end up with him and even though the course of events that led to me meeting III began with R.

I know I should stop seeking out information on him- I get enough by accident- but it is an obsession. Not constant, but periodically, often times triggered by hearing about him from someone or seeing something about him in the local papers...

It's embarrassing. This is not something I admit to many people in real life. But just because I suppress it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And when I run into R at the D&D or when I see his dad at the grocery store or when I hear his name come up in the community, my stomach still twists into a ball and I get that burning pissed off feeling I got almost every day following our break up.

Facebook etiquette quandary

Right around Christmas, I got a "friend suggestion" from a girl I went to college with- for my ex-boyfriend.

M and I dated for almost 6 years- through most of college for me and then into my "adult life". It was a good relationship, but an immature one. We both thought we'd get married. Then his dad got sick and he moved 800 miles away to help take care of him. Two and a half years later, his dad died. A year later he broke up with me. A year after that, he was engaged to a girl he met on the internet- they were married 9 months later.

So when I got the friend suggestion I wasn't sure what to do. Over the last 6 years or so, we've had email contact maybe two or three times. So I ultimately decided to send him a message through facebook that basically said I wasn't sure what the facebook etiquette was about "friending" your ex-boyfriend, but that I was okay with it and would let him decide what his comfort level was. The next day he sent me a friend request.

It's been a month, and this week I scanned and uploaded about 50 pictures from elementary school through my first year of teaching to share on facebook. I have so many pictures with M in them, but decided, in most cases, to keep those to myself. I did tag him in 3 pictures, only one of which I am in. All of them were group pictures.

Today I looked at his facebook page (which, by the way, I think he has me on a "limited profile" for, since I can't see any of the pictures he's been tagged in, by me or anyone else) and his wife had posted ON HIS WALL "It's always nice to see you tagged in pictures with A...." (A is obviously me. And she wrote that: "A". As if half the people on his facebook friends list wouldn't know who A is?)

So now I'm having a combination of feelings of irritation and guilt. Maybe I shouldn't have tagged him at all.... or posted the pictures... but we had all the same friends in college and were in all the same activities, so he is in so many of my pictures. I understand being wary of your spouse's ex- For me I don't know if I'd say I'm "wary" but there is definitely a curiosity about the girls III dated before me. (I think it's a girl thing- lots of women I have talked to seem to feel this way...) It's possible she could be kidding... but the way I found out M was married- 4 years ago I went to Italy and posted a link to my KodakGallery on the website I used to have, which was a completely public site. In my "guestbook" on KG, was his wife's name and address. She had apparently been looking at my website and then gone to look at the pictures of me.

Now for the obnoxious part- it kind of made me feel good. Maybe it shouldn't matter, but I have this worry that guys I dated with forget about me and that implies that they didn't really care about me or I wasn't worth it. Isn't it funny how our rational minds can be at such odds with the irrational part of our brains? I RATIONALLY know that M loved me and that for a long time the relationship was good for both of us. I RATIONALLY know that I'm better off with III than I ever was with M, and I celebrate the difference of having an ADULT relationship. But I still want him to think about me. And the fact that his wife sought out my website and looked at my pictures (especially the wife he got engaged to less than a year after our break up after knowing her for only a few months) implies to me that I was an important person in his life, just like he was in mine. I want to always mean something to the people in my life. Maybe that is a part of my own insecurities.

Anyway, to get back to the topic on hand... I definitely don't want to make things uncomfortable with his wife. Which is why I left the friending up to him. I certainly won't tag him in any more pictures, but I feel like it would be really conspicuous to UNtag him... I figure I'll leave that up to him.

There's probably so much more I could say on this topic, but this post is far long enough already, and I have plans with a friend, so I will stop there and just ruminate on it more in my head. ;)