Moved

I am writing this post from our new town. We made the move I'd been so dreading... it was 3 days at a residence inn, 3 days on the road, and then another 3 days at another residence inn. The dogs were beside themselves and have not yet recovered. G-man was fine. He's three months old- he doesn't really know what's going on. I'm not happy to be here. My MIL is already driving me nuts. We are renting a house and it feels like I'm living in someone else's house. I really, really miss MY house. (Which is no longer my house. The new owners closed two days ago.) I'm already lonely.

I met up with a girl I met online- I wrote about her a few months ago and how her little boy was ill. Sadly, he passed away last month. She's is an amazing woman, though, and still wants to get to know me and G-man. I have lunch plans with another woman from the same online board tomorrow, and I heard today from a mom's group. So I'm trying. I am hoping to meet up people. For the most part, I don't want to hate it here. Why would I want to be miserable? But I'll admit, there is a small part of me that feels loyal to my old town and stubborn about the feelings I had the last 17 years that "there's no place like home" (home being my old town). That teeny tiny part of me would somehow feel justified if I hate it here. But hopefully I don't, because that would make my life rough for quite a while.

G-man is doing great. He's pretty much doubled his birth weight. He is holding his head up well and "talking" to us all of the time. He grins at us and laughs in his sleep (we're still waiting for a "for real" out loud laugh). He loves his doggies and his mommy and daddy. I'm enjoying dressing him like a little man (in spite of my MIL's insistence that I have far too many clothes for him) and he's getting close to needing a hair trim, at least around his ears.

We love him to pieces and it's weird to imagine that just over three months ago he wasn't here yet.

Long time no post...

Sorry that I suck and haven't updated. The pathetic thing is that it's mainly because I've changed my main email to gmail, and so I'm always signed in as that. I have to sign out in order to update here. What a stupid excuse, huh?

With infertility, especially dealing with it for as long as we did, you spend so long trying to get pregnant, and trying to stay pregnant and just focusing on being pregnant that you almost lose sight of the ultimate goal- there's (hopefully) going to be a real live baby at the end of this!

G-man is just over 2 months old and sometimes I'm still in shock that I am his mother. I grew him in my belly. He belongs to me. My dad posted a picture of him on his own face.book account today. And I looked at the picture and still got that little shock of that's really my kid!

So, having a baby. It has it's ups and downs, and that pretty much sums up our days. I'm exhausted. But G-man has started to settle into a nighttime schedule, so not as exhausted as I was a month ago. I don't love breastfeeding. But it's been a little better over the last few weeks, and it's definitely working for G-man- his weight has increased 75% from his birthweight and almost twice as much as he was when he came home from the hospital. I miss my husband. But my favorite part of this parenting thing so far is the look III gives G-man when he comes home.

Being "an infertile" and, to be honest, especially being part of the infertility blogging community, I feel like there is a vibe out there for many people (especially those of you who are still struggling with all of your might to become parents) that those of us who have babies should be happy about it all of the time. Or even if we're not, we shouldn't mention it publicly, and especially not bloglicly.

But it's effing hard.

And I knew it would be hard. No one pretends that it's easy to be a parent, especially to an infant. That said, there is just no way to wrap your brain around just how hard it is unless you are in it. Not just "once you've been there"... but unless it's happening to you right now. (If that wasn't true, we'd have a lot more only children out there.)

But there is also was no way for me to understand, no matter how intellectually I knew it would be the case, how it would feel when my baby son looks at me as I'm talking to him and smiles into my eyes. How I'd feel almost physical pain myself when he was crying out in pain and I couldn't figure out why. How my heart would swell, as if it was going to burst, when, despite others' attempts to pacify him, he stops fussing as I take him and he snuggles his face into my neck.

It was all worth it. It is all worth it.

(But I'm still tired as hell.)

G-man's arrival

Wednesday (the 17th) I saw my OB. She told me that I was 1.5 cm dilated and over 50% effaced. She speculated that I might have the baby early. I was like “Oh really?” but didn’t really think much of it. I don’t know why, but I never really thought I’d go early. I kind of figured I’d definitely be one of those first time moms who went past 40 weeks.

I went home and took a nap, and when I woke up at around 5, I was having very regular and uncomfortable (but not yet painful) contractions. I called the OB on call, and she suspected early labor, so she suggested I wait a while. Ten minutes later, I felt like the contractions were getting more painful, and decided I’d rather go to the hospital.

On the drive to the hospital, the pain really ramped up. We arrived at labor and delivery around 7:45, and they had me fill out some forms (not fun while having contractions) and put me in triage, where they determined I was 4cm dilated. At this point, I was also starting to really hurt. They transferred me to a private delivery room.

That was about 8pm. With the next two or three contractions, I was in A LOT of pain and kind of freaking out. I think I started to have a panic attack… Luckily, the anesthesiologist came in then. He gave me a spinal and an epidural. As they kicked in, my contractions got shorter, but they were still really painful. The anesthesiologist gave me a bolus, but an hour later there was more pain again so they increased my epidural.

The OB came in to check me around 10:30pm. I was 6cm dilated and as she was checking I felt a pop as my water broke. They told us to rest as much as we could, that now we were just waiting for my cervix to finish dilating.

I had trouble sleeping because the epidural had made me itchy, but I wasn’t in pain anymore. I rested and dozed as III slept. At 2am the nurse came in and determined I was over 9cm. She told me the OB was doing an emergency c-section, and would check on my around 3:15 and that it probably would be time to push. And sure enough, she came in right at 3:15- I was completely dilated and they started me pushing. They told me it could take 2-3 hours… but then with my next two contractions both the nurse and the OB commented on how quickly it was progressing. After probably 4 rounds of contractions, they told me “Don’t push now until we tell you- we have to get our gear on.” So they put on their gowns and masks, had me push again… and there was a baby!!! (Less than 20 minutes of pushing!) III was totally dazed. It was super surreal… I looked at him and said “Oh my god. We have a baby!”

They took him to be cleaned up. They suctioned him out and he started breathing and pinked up. His eyes were wide open and he was looking around. But he wasn’t crying. In fact, he didn’t cry at all! The nurses seemed puzzled but not concerned- even without the crying, everything else was good and he scored a 7 on his first apgar. He was 6lbs 6oz with a full head of black hair!

He’s now 11 days old, and sometimes it still feels surreal. I finally have a baby. MY BABY. Which, as most of you know, comes with a whole new set of worries. But I am finally a mommy. And III is a daddy.

In fact, he most amazing thing is seeing him with III. A friend said “Are you surprised at how much you love him?” and I told her, no, but I am in awe of how much III does. I have never seen my husband so enamored and happy. He carries him around and talks to him and sings to him. At 4 days old little G-man already knew his daddy’s voice and would look for him when he hears it. My heart could burst from the love.

Welcome to our little G-man. It took a lot of work and tears to get you here, but you were well worth the wait. xo

37w6d...

...is what I'd be today.

But the baby arrived on Thursday! Surprise!!!

I never thought I'd go early, but I guess we can't predict! Everyone is doing great, but we're all pooped. He's conked out in his bouncy chair, so I'm going to take a nap. I promise to be back as soon as I can to share the whole story. :)