No backup...

Just got the letter telling me that none of our three remaining embryos made it to freeze. Fuck. I was naively hoping ALL of them would, so that our next cycle could be a frozen transfer with four potential embryos. :(

As you can probably tell, I'm not feeling optimistic about this cycle for some reason. Maybe it's the hormones getting me down. Maybe it's all of our history. Maybe it's a sign... (Though experience has never shown my 'feelings' to be especially accurate...)

Six days to beta.

Oh, the money!

The whole situation around this insurance stuff, I am mostly mad at myself. I am a super researcher- whenever I'm buying anything over $100, I go online to determine my best options. I can't believe I was so stupid as to not look into this further.

I cried and cried about it yesterday, but also felt a little guilty. I know so many infertile couples are much worse of than we are. a) We have had insurance for the last two years. b) We actually do have money in savings to pay for a fresh cycle if we needed to. But... it kills me. I'll have to have another post later this week on my relationship with money, because I know that's a big part of it.

So now I am trying to figure things out. It turns out, as some of you suggested, I can go back on my insurance from my job. I can even do it without CO.BRA since I am technically still employed by my school. I spoke to someone today to see how to do it, and it would cost just over $7000 for the year.

Now, if we do that, we will have to first do a frozen transfer with my one lone embryo... so we have to decide if that's what we want. But, researcher that I am, I wanted to see just how much money we are talking about.

I went through my old papers and made a few calls.... The breakdown from our last cycle:

Meds: $5445
IVF: $8300
ICSI: $2500
PGD: $5200
TOTAL: $22,945

We did have to pay $95 of the meds and $225 of the PGD, but STILL. That's a lot of fucking money. In fact, that was probably my take home from my salary my first year of teaching! Considering our savings, III told me yesterday "If someone told me I had to pay ten grand to have a baby three or four months sooner, at this point I'd totally do it." But, crunching the numbers, it's 20 grand and he might have also been saying that to make me feel better since I was laying on the bed crying into my pillow....

With six complete failures of cycles and two losses, we're impatient. Both of us hate the idea of having to try an FET with only one embryo because of the high chance of failure. But... ugh. I repeat: That's a lot of fucking money.

WTF!!!

For real.

I went for my appointment today. I got there at 4, because I thought that's when my appointment was. Turns out it was at 4:15. No biggie.

Until it was 4:45.

And then 4:50.

And then 4:55.

They finally came to get me at 5. For an appointment that literally lasted FOUR MINUTES!!!!

ARGH!!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am overall pleased with my clinic, and I like Dr. Z. But it PISSES ME OFF when that happens. I can do ten minutes. Twenty even. But for real? It's not like I have anywhere better to be????

Peanut has been running around like a freaking tazmanian devil since I got home. That's what happens when she's left in her crate for 10+ hours. Thanks, Dr. Z. III says next time I should take her with me and they can deal with her.

Anyway.

In my four minute appointment, Dr. Z said it is unlikely that my beta will rise*, but that we can start a new cycle as soon as I get my period. He also brought up the subject of transferring three embryos again. I asked if we would take my 'implantation history' into consideration when making the decision, and he said yes. I told him I had to talk to III about it, but unless he's totally against it, I'm going to go for it.

So beta is tomorrow morning. Full disclosure- I'm writing this with a glass of cabernet at my side. My positive HPT --> negative HPT --> low beta has be pretty convinced that this cycle is over. Once I get the official word tomorrow, I can stop all meds and hopefully my period will come quickly so we can get this show back on the road.

*I did not mention to Dr. Z nor to the nurses that I took the HPTs on my vacation. Why is that we feel shamed by this? The nurse at my transfer strongly encouraged me NOT to take one, so I have been hesitant to tell them I did. Even though that likely shows that I had a 50+ HCG level on Tuesday, which means it has already dropped....

The results are in...

My beta was 11.6. I am 14dp5dt. Yeah. I'd rather have a negative at this point.

I have to go back for another beta on Wednesday. The nurse, who is not my regular nurse since it's Sunday, was explaining how they like to see it double... I had to explain to her that I was two weeks past my transfer so it probably wasn't going to.

Annoying. I hate knowing I was briefly pregnant, but couldn't make it stick. *sigh*

To all the ICLWers- sorry for the bummer intro. I'll be back with a better one later...

Negative EPT tonight.

Official blood test tomorrow. Looks like we're back to the drawing board...

Not dark...

...but there... not sure how optimistic to feel...

Not dark...

...but definitely there...not sure how optimistic to feel...

9dp5dt

Thanks to all who commented yesterday. I have taken prog before and gotten my period while taking it, I just haven't experienced taking it with estrogen.

Today was the day I was supposed to have beta #1. I haven't had anymore spotting, but have had a bit of cramping. I broke down and took an HPT yesterdy and got a very faint pos. No rejoicing here yet, having experienced both a chem preg and a m/c. I will probably end up taking one again tmw. Even if it's pos, I'm holding steady at 'skeptical' until I get my official numbers on Sunday.

I hate this part!

What to expect

I'm irritated because I already typed this all up and then lost it...

I'm 8dp5dt- no symptoms at all plus a little pink spotting this morning. Dr Z has me on both forms of estrogen until after my beta... so does anyone know when I'd expect my period? At the regularly scheduled time, or will the estrogen make it so I don't get it?

I bought some HPTs and brought them on vacation with us but don't know if I want to use them. I'll worried about getting a + and then having it end up being a chem preg. I also don't want a - to ruin our vacation. I just hate the waiting...

The rundown...

My doctor suggests drinking 6 to 8 ounces of water before my appointment so that I'm "full but not desperate". I brought a bottle of water in the car. When I first got there I was doing okay. After 45 minutes, when we hadn't yet heard anything I decided to go to the bathroom, though I didn't "empty". After we had been there for an hour, a nurse finally came out and told us that the PGD results from the lab were not in yet. She said they generally get there by noon and it was about a quarter after. She suggested I pee, and told us she'd be back as soon as they got something.

Twenty minutes later I peed again. I figured there was no way of knowing how long we'd be sitting there, and once we got back to surgery it would be about fifteen minutes anyway, so I'd just keep drinking my water and peeing when I had to.

A full hour and a half after my appointment they finally came and got me. We still didn't know if we had anything to transfer. Not until she told me to get changed and said the doctor would talk to me when I was finished- I figured they wouldn't have me put on a gown if there was nothing to transfer!

Of the nine embryos thawed, seven survived to biopsy. Two of those did not progress after biopsy. Of the five remaining, two were abnormal (one w/down syndrome). Of the three that appeared to be normal, one was a day 5 blastocyst and two were day 5 morulas. Dr. Z was in the surgery that day- its the first time he's done any of my procedures! He gave us the option of transferring the blast and one morula, then seeing if the other morula progressed enough to be frozen, transferring only the blast with the potential of freezing both morulas, or transferring all three. I asked him if, considering my history (chem preg with 1st 2 emb IVF and one implantation with 2nd 2 emb IVF) combined with what we now know about what my insurance requires, if it was reasonable to transfer all three. He said it was certainly not “too crazy”, as long as we were aware of the “risk” (meaning a multiple pregnancy).

So we did. Unlike the last time, III decided to come into the OR with me. (We went to a bball game for his alma mater yesterday, and they squeaked out a win, just like they did last year when we went. I told him he was good luck for them, and so he told me he figured he should come in with me just in case he could be a good luck charm for us too.)

They took a photo of the embryos for us, as usual. By the time they took the photo of the embryos, one of the morulas had already progressed to an early blastocyst! The transfer went well and easily.

They wanted me to have my beta on the 16th- I was very surprised! I didn't think it would be that early. But we're going to be out of town from the 13th to the 21st, so the beta will have to wait until the 22nd. At least it's likely to be all or nothing at that point. And I'd guess that if it's going to be negative I'll have already had some warning (spotting or maybe even my period).

I've been going to acupuncture for my mood and energy and it's really be helping. She has obviously been focusing on the fertility stuff too, and today she came in special on a Sunday since I had my transfer. She's feeling very optimistic and excited for me.

So I'm feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time, and to be honest that hope scares me. This whole thing has been such a mess... the idea that it could actually work this time just seems too far out of reach...

hopefully worth the wait

7 survived thaw, two abnormal, two didn't progress. We transferred the remaining three. More details later...

the wait is killing me

We've been sitting in the lobby of my re for almost an hour and a half. 30 min ago a nurse came out and told us they haven't received the PGD results from the lab in Detroit but it should be soon. Screw the full bladder- I've now peed three times. Not feeling at all optimistic. What a potential waste of a morning...

Color me cynical...

I don't expect to have anything to transfer tomorrow. We've been on the wrong end of the statistics from day one... and now there aren't even any statistics to really go by. After living through the "None of your seventeen eggs fertilized" and the 'heartbeat-at-seven-weeks-no-heartbeat-at-eight-weeks'... well, I just am not expecting positive results. Nine frozen embryos... seems like SOMETHING should make it. But they have to survive a thaw AND a biopsy and THEN they have to be normal. I read that 50% of the average couple's embryos are not genetically normal. And we're not the average couple. Even throwing aside all of the shitty luck experiences we've already had, we now know about the inversion.

So in fourteen hours I go to the clinic to find out what happens next. And I just don't have high hopes. Actually, I don't have any hopes. I'm numb. I have no expectations. We bought a box-o-wine tonight. (Don't judge me. It's actually a high class box o' wine. It was even at our wine expo!) It is the equivalent of four boxes of wine. III was like "But after 'the thing' tomorrow you probably won't drink, and I can't drink four bottles in a week (we're going on vacation in a week) myself." But... I had him buy it. Whatever. I'm not optimistic that there will be reason to stop the wine.

And even if there is... I don't feel like I'll be sweating bullets this two week wait. Luckily, we're going on vacation for a week, so that will help even if I was. But, again, my expectations are so low nonexistent that I can't imagine it will be all that hard.

I'm actually not at all sure what to expect from this cycle symptom wise. I'm used to being bloated and uncomfortable post-ER. I've been taking progesterone (had to switch from endometrin to something else because of my insurance, but whatever...) and am not really feeling anything. The headaches I was getting from the estrogen have gone away, so now I just feel normal. I've even lost two pounds (though that might be from my cold which is leaving me with a poor appetite).

So anyway. I guess I'm expecting the worst, but obviously hoping for the best. The best, IMO, would be two beautiful blasts to transfer, but none to freeze. I don't want our next cycle to be a frozen one. Bring on the bravelle. Bring on the swollen follicles and the bloat. If it gives us more of a chance of walking away with our baby before I turn 36 (as I have very low expectations of a due date when I am still 34...) I'm all about it.

u/s and bloodwork yesterday-- everything looks good. My progesterone was only at 0.337 (good- meaning I didn't ovulate) and my lining was over 7mm.

Sooooo. I'm feeling a little numb about the whole thing, I think as self preservation in case we end up with nothing to transfer. I have so much anxiety about the whole thing, regardless of the outcome. If none of them survive the thaw, I'll be disappointed and we wasted another month. If they survive the thaw but are not normal, ditto to the last comment plus it will cause me anxiety about whether we can produce normal embryos. If we get some good ones to transfer, I have the anxiety of the 2ww. Even if I get a positive beta... well, we all know how it goes. Especially since all the forms and phone calls I've had with the lab pounds into my head that a good test result doesn't guarantee an embryo without chromosomal issues. I know they have to say that, but... ugh.

Not feeling well today. Another cold is coming on. Still missing my B-dog like I'd miss a limb, if you can believe that. III's bday is Friday and I seem to have lost my gift-giving mo-jo and am scrambling a bit...

I think I'm ready for this week to be over...

Holy moly.

And I thought this had all been complicated before!!!!

First of all, my nausea issues appear to have been because of a bug I caught. Luckily, it was short lived. I do have some headaches that I think are side effects of the E, but that seems to be about all for now.

Right now the plan is u/s and b/w on the 3rd, thaw and pgd (actually, according to our paperwork it's technically "PGS"...) on the 5th and, if there's anything to transfer, transfer on the 7th.

But seriously. I had to talk to the nurse at my RE. Then I had to fill out an intake form for the lab. Then I had to have a phone interview with the lab. Then we have to sign five different consent forms, one that has to be notarized. It's so complicated... and with all this, there is a possibility we won't even have anything to transfer!

So that's where we're at. I've tried to find some PGD blogs, but they are few and far between. And I've only read one where someone did PGD on frozen embryos... that person got pregnant though, so I guess them's good odds. ;)

I might puke.

I started estradiol last night, both in pill and patch form. I started out the morning so tired, and around 11 started feeling a little gross. I though it was just that I needed lunch... but after I ate I got some serious diarrhea and felt SO NAUSEOUS. I had to leave school early.

I called the nurse at the RE and she said it could be from the estradiol, and that as my body adjusts it should get better. However, I know there's something going around at school too, so I'm worried it's the flu. :( I'm drinking some 7-up, but it tastes gross to me.

Has anyone who has taken estradiol or something similar had any side effects like this? This is my first FET so I don't know if this is just how I react, or if it's something else...

Ugh.

Hurry up and wait...

After I posted yesterday, I got my period. Woohoo!

It was Sunday, so I didn't bother hurrying to call the clinic and report in for CD1. I called today... and it's a holiday. So while I did speak to a nurse, it turns out my file is with the financial person, who is off today. So I have to wait for tomorrow to make sure that all my stuff is in order so that they can get me my meds. She said it's not a big deal, though, and that I just have to start them by CD5.

As unlikely as it is that I'll get pregnant from this cycle, it's nice to be doing something. I always feel better when there's a plan in place and we're executing it.