Right now they ARE my babies!

With Halloween coming up this weekend, I ordered costumes online for my two dogs.

When they got here, I put them on my dogs and, using treats for bribery, took some photos of them.

I posted a photo of the two of them on my facebook page. An aunt (who while she may not know the specific details, knows we've had "trouble" ttc) commented: "You have too much time on your hands!"

Really? Is that what you are going to tell my sister when she posts pictures of her two year old in his costume? Is that what you will tell the parents who bring their kids in their fifty dollar costumes trick or treating to your door?

Oh, and for the record? If we finally DO get pregnant and have babies, I probably will STILL take pictures of my dogs in costume at Halloween. Maybe I'll even buy a matching one for the kid.

Lonely tonight.

As I mentioned this weekend, III is away for work.

There are days when I'm so tired of living with someone else. Times when I get sick of putting up with his schedule and his moods.

But I'm lonely without him.

T's husband, B, died yesterday.

The combination of those things remind me that the annoying stuff and the crappy days are worth it for the good days and the love I feel for and receive from III.

My loneliness is alleviated somewhat by my dogs. I LOVE my pups. I mentioned to III last week that I am not sure how I would have made it through the last two years of infertility stuff without them. Their unconditional love combined with my ability to... well, baby them... I feel like I would feel so empty without that.

So I guess tonight I am reminded of the things in my life I have to feel grateful for.

(Would it ruin the sentiment to say I'm also grateful for Glee tonight? Keeping me entertained? And for sauvignon blanc? Because... it's yummy. And for spellcheck in blogger, because otherwise I would have misspelled "alleviate"? And for peanut butter cookies sent to me as a surprise by my old roommate, even though they aren't on my "diet" (Thanks, K!!!!)? I hope not... because I am...)

Twenty-three

On this day last year...

...I said good bye to my very best friend. My good girl.

The twenty-first was an awful day.
The twenty-second was unbearably trying.

But the twenty-third...

I think about that day often. I can't believe she's been gone for a year. I have been dreaming about her this week and she's very much on my mind. The four years we were together were far too short. I love Peanut, but I hate that her coming into our lives was preceded by losing B.

A year later, I can feel myself forgetting small things about her. I need to look at photos to remember some of her markings. The look on her face when she wanted something. What it felt like when she gave me those rare kisses.

I do remember a lot. The way she would sit on my feet when she was nervous. How she'd put her head on my shoulder from behind me. The face she made when I'd scratch her chin. How her face felt when I held it between my hands. But I know that will also fade...

I wish I could see her again. Let her climb up into my lap (all 75 pounds of her!). Wrap my arms around her and bury my face in her soft neck. Rub her ears. Kiss her smooshy face.

I know I've said all of this before: She was just a dog. But she loved me in a way no one else will ever love me. She came to me when I most needed her, and I miss her every single day.

Twenty-two

On this day last year...

...I spent much of the day in the hospital, concluding the ending of my first (very wanted, but unfortunately very short lived) pregnancy.

In some ways, it doesn't feel like a year ago. In others, it seems so long ago... I often think about what this year would be like if that pregnancy hadn't ended.

I hoped it was something I'd never have to experience again. Little did I know that I'd be in the same situation just a short time later.

I came home from my procedure and spent the rest of the night cuddling with my B-dog. At bed time, I felt well enough to sleep on the futon with her. She, however, did not feel well enough, so I slept in my own bed without her...

Wordless Wednesday: Boxer Love

We're here.

The trip was long but uneventful. Dogs did awesome. I was exhausted, but III did most of the driving, so I don't really have anything to complain about.

I'm not really happy to be here. The reality is hitting me that we're probably more or less here for good. And it's not really where I want to be.

And honestly? I have no desire to live near my in-laws. Or my family, to be perfectly frank. I wish we lived closer than we did. But not close. I know that is obnoxious. And selfish. But it's true. And yesterday it hit me- at home it's just me and III. And I like it. I worry how this will change our relationship. :(

But last night when we went to bed, I told III "I love you so much." and he replied, "I know you do. That's why we're here." So I know he appreciates it.

In other news-

I talked to my ex boyfriend on FB last night. It was interesting. He is definitely not in any way "the one who got away". But we were together for a long time, and so he's a big part of my history. It was nice to have a friendly chat with him and hear how he and his family are doing.

I had an orientation to volunteer at the local animal shelter yesterday. I'm glad to have something to do where I'll be meeting people and helping animals. I'm a little worried that I'm not going to meet "my kind of people", but that's a stupid worry to have right now so I just need to go with it.

I have scheduled my fibroid surgery for August 5. So I'll have to fly home for that week (pre op blood test and u/s are on the 3rd).

I miss KB like crazy already. Is it abnormal to be so attached to your BFF?

Exercise routine to start... soon? I could start today... but the holiday weekend... bah. Maybe I'll start next week.

What isn't said

I wonder what people would think if I answered their polite inquiries honestly.

How are you?
Fine.

Actually, I feel like I'm in a fog. I'm feeling tired and blue and don't really want to talk to anyone.

How's it going?
Good.

Except for my empty uterus because I am, still and once again, not pregnant. I don't have a baby. I don't know if and when I will.

How's your day?
Okay.

Except that I am feeling absolutely unmotivated to do anything. I'm tired of taking care of other peoples' kids and don't really feel all that invested in whether or not I grade their quizzes.

What's up?
Nothing.

Except for the twin pregnancy I just had evacuated from my uterus. And the incredible growing fibroid that killed my embryos. Oh, and my dying father in law who is waiting for a new heart.

Not that I would say any of that. It's not their fault. They're just trying to be nice.

It's interesting the difference between my first miscarriage and this one. It's like, when the first one happens everyone has a story about how they or someone they know experienced miscarriage. But then when it happens again.... Their pity is evident. Their discomfort is palpable.

One of my classroom aides stopped by today. She told me it was good to see me and that she was sorry. I thanked her and told her we just were feeling pretty tired after everything. Then... there was a silence. I could tell she wanted to say something else but literally didn't know what to say. So I told her: "It's okay. There's not really anything to say." She got kind of teary and said "No, I guess there's not." She said she'd pray for us.

I thought it would be good to get back into my routine and come back. But it's not. Nothing bad happened today. The kids have been sweet- they were really worried when I missed several days in a row. But I'm just unhappy. I don't want to be here. I don't want to do any of the work sitting on my desk. I want to be home with III (who is also at work, so it's not like I could be), cocooned in our little house with our dogs and just our life.

But even then, it all permeates. I'm still bleeding, a constant reminder of what we lost on Friday. III's mom calls with updates about transplant potentials, and III hangs up the phone feeling helpless and sad. Even the dogs, who I love unconditionally, feel like a burden right now. Peanut's energy is boundless and M-dog has been a picky eater. They limit our options when trying to go away- whether it be vacation or to support family.

When I try to identify exactly how I feel, it just feels like a cliche. A hole in my heart. An emptiness in my chest. A all-encompassing ache.

We just need a vacation from our life.

Can't *anything* ever be easy?

I ended my week of vacation at the Emergency Vet. Peanut and M-dog had a big fight... and M-dog lost. He's a lot stronger than Peanut and threw her across the deck, but she's a lot faster and came back and clamped down on his ear and wouldn't let go.

It was kind of scary and very upsetting. I had been cutting her nails, which she hates, and I think she was pretty freaked out. So when M got too close... it was on. Usually, if a fight starts, Peanut backs down pretty quickly, but there have been a handful of times where she's fought back and neither of them wants to give in.

When I went to pull them apart, she had her teeth in his ear and was shaking her head back and forth... poor M-dog had this look on his face... I did the exact opposite of what they tell you to do and stuck my hand in her mouth to pry open her jaw. Once they were separated, both dogs were fine- they probably would have gone right back to playing together. But M-dog's ear was split open and bleeding.

I took him to the vet- it was the same place we had B-dog put down- and cried and cried. I think I freaked out the staff, because I kept telling them "I know he's okay. It's just a cut." while I sobbed. But it had been such a long day, I was feeling so crappy, III was being such an ass... and then to be back at the place where I had taken B so often for her treatments and then on her last day... too much.

M-dog is fine. He had 5 stitches under anesthesia, but this morning was back to his old self. III is "mad at" Peanut. I told him "She wasn't blameless- M-dog participated as well- and she probably doesn't even remember it." But he's being a pain.

As for how I'm feeling... I was feeling pretty nauseous this morning. I'm feeling little better now, though not 100%. My coffee cup is filled with ginger ale instead of java, and I brought lots of snacks to hopefully stave off any queasiness. I once again had trouble falling asleep last night, and then M-dog woke me a couple of times, so 5:20am came way too fast. I hope to sprint home right at the end of the day to relax and refuel for tomorrow...

My babies.

Tuesday, I watched New Moon for the first time. I am a fan of the books, but I thought the first movie was pretty bad. NM was better... in part, I think, because there was a lot of Jacob and not a lot of Edward.

TL is a much better actor (from what it seemed in the movie) than RP, IMO. But I've been Team Jacob from the first book.

Which I shared on my FB page. One of my former students replied "You sure it aint just the dog thing? im pretty sure youll always side with the dogs,"*

Um... it's true.

I'm a dog person.

In fact... I'm that dog person.

I just spent almost $300 on a bed for M-Dog. What? Yeah. He has bad knees, and at 7 (his birthday was last week- happy birthday, my boy!) is starting to have trouble. III will no longer let the pups sleep in the bed (booooooo!), so all he's got is the lumpy pillow dog bed on the floor. It makes him very limpy. :(

Peanut is wearing a pretty new collar from etsy. She's also currently scar-faced from wrestling with M-dog, and I have all my fingers crossed that my pretty girl will heal and not be left with any scars.

I pout when they won't sit with me on the couch. I sulk if they choose to sit with III over me.

I kiss my dogs. On the mouth.

I know I've said it before, but I still miss my B every single day. I have a big portrait of her on the wall, where a print of a park in Boston, taken by a professional photographer, used to hang. I have a picture of her next to my bed. I still send in my favorite snapshot of her to those silly dog photo contests. Before I go to sleep at night, I reminisce what it felt like to pet her and cuddle her and rub her silly ears.

My dogs are my babies. I have wanted a dog my whole life, but never got one until I was almost thirty. People tell me "God, you need to have a baby"** or "Just wait 'til you have a baby... then things will change." But... is it wrong or weird of me to hope it doesn't?

I know that a baby is a lot of work and time and that, even if I wanted to, I know I won't be able to give the kind of attention to my pups that I do now. But I do hope my strength of feeling for them won't change. I don't think it does for everyone. I have an old coworker who has 2 daughters now, who- in her own words- she is so in love with. But when her pup died- her dog she'd had since she was in college? She couldn't even talk about it, she was so devastated. So I don't necessarily think your feelings have to change.

Another coworker lost his dog to lymphoma about six months before we lost B. He was so, so sad. He told me "I feel weird being so upset... I mean, it could be worse. At least it's not one of my kids!" I told him that I don't think you can compare it. I think how we feel about our dogs are on a totally different plane than how we can feel about another human being- a parent, or a spouse, or even a child. It's not more or better... it's just, and always will be, different.

So, when I finally do have babies, I hope to be totally and utterly in love with them as well. But I also hope that my dogs are still my special sweeties and that I'll still wish that I could take them everywhere I go and that III would let them crawl into bed with me every night.

*I would like to add a disclaimer here that I was not his English teacher... (No offense to her...)
**Yeah, thanks. I'm trying.

If you're tired of hearing me cry about my dog...

...then you might want to skip this one.

Yesterday was six months since we lost B-dog. (Which makes me realize that Monday was six months since my miscarriage... hm.) I just can't put into words how much I still miss her. I adore my other dogs. M-dog is turning into a bit of an old man, but with his new mellow grumpiness has come a connection that we never had before. (Now that I think about it, it may also have something to do with the fact that he is probably the only other being who misses B close to as much as I do.) Peanut is just... Peanut. She is such a cuddle bug and a spaz at the same time, but she loves me and counts on me with a fierceness that neither of my other dogs have ever had.

But B remains my special girl. We had a relationship that just can't compare to any other dog or person. I dreamed about her the other night. In my dream, I knew she had died. So I made an effort to soak up every second with her. To scratch her head and tickle her chin and rub her ears. To bury my face in her neck and wrap my arms around her solidness.

There is a part of me that just can not believe I'll never be able to do that again outside of my dreams. How is it possible that I will never again feel how softer her fur is? It's so unfair that I'll never again come home to her wiggle-butt happiness - the kind she couldn't contain, so she'd climb up into my lap as I sat on the couch, though she weighed 75 pounds. I hate that she'll never squeeze her way onto that tiny space left on the couch, just so that she can be touching me.

However, in all of this loss and sadness for my dog, I'm also amazed at the pictures I'm left with of her in my head. I have hundreds of digital photos I took of her, and I already have quite a few framed around the house. But there are pictures in my head that never got snapped or that couldn't be captured by a camera. The way she'd look at me sometimes, with those almost human eyes. Her "crazy-B" look when I'd zerbert her- like she couldn't decide if she liked this game or not. Her proud prance when she caught that poor bird. Her face that last morning, as we lay on the floor nose to nose, because I knew it would be our last time together.

I love the last few lines of the Rainbow Bridge poem, because that would be my wish.

... the day comes when one [dog] suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body begins to quiver. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Where ever you are, my sweet girl, I hope we'll be together again some day.

Lonely nights and crazy days

Whenever III is out of town, I let the dogs sleep in our bed. I love sleeping with the dogs, but III doesn't, so it's a special treat for the dogs and for me.

For the last month or two, Peanut has been sleeping in her crate. It tends to be better for everyone. She sees that space as her bed, and doesn't seem to mind as long as the crate is right next to my side of the bed.

When we were on vacation, I told the dog sitter that she could do whatever worked best- crate or have Peanut sleep with her. She chose the latter, but Peanut got into stuff in the middle of the night, most of which we discovered after we came home.

Despite this, I've tried to have her sleep with me this week. The first night I was on my own, she was off the wall, so she went in her crate. The second night was a little better, but she was up and down all night and ended up having an accident downstairs either in the middle of the night or early in the morning. Then there was yesterday. When she peed in my bed!!!!

So it was back to the crate last night. She whined initially, but quickly lay down and slept through the night. No accidents either. I was lonely (M-dog slept with me, but he sleeps at my feet, and Peanut will cuddle right up with me) but I got a good night's sleep.

In other news, I'm totally out of my mind right now. I hate, hate, hate Ap.ri. It makes me absolutely nuts. It renders me completely incapable of dealing with any stress or irritation. I had acupuncture last night, and she did some stuff to help with my stress and agitation, and it helped for the evening but is 100% back this morning. I'm contemplating calling my nurse and asking her to put the lev.ora rx in my electronic file so that this never happens again.

I start lu.pron tomorrow and then take the Ap.ri for one more week. I stop the bcp on the 12th, which means I'll likely get my period on the 16th. They are estimating a retrieval date of 4/2.

Let the games begin!!!

Things I'm annoyed about today

1. Peanut was a pain this morning, so I ended up getting up at 6am with her. After III woke up, I went back to bed. I slept until 11. But I feel like my morning was totally wasted, and I'm still tired!
2. I signed up for this kind of correspondence course to review pre-calc over the summer. I've procrastinated, though, so now I need to get on the ball to get it done by the completion date. Except, they seem to have taken off of their website when the completion date is! Plus, I'm having trouble finding the first DVD I need in my house.
3. I can't remember if I mentioned it, but about a month ago, III lost his wedding ring. He has been thinking there was a possibility it was in his friend's squad car- that it had rolled under the gun safe. He went today to take the safe out to see... and it was no luck. I'm very bummed. It's insured, but that was the ring I put on his finger. I know it's just a symbol, but I'm sentimental...
4. Months and months ago I bought tickets to take III to see The L.ion K.ing, in hopes that he could at least somewhere share my love of musicals. Long story short, he told me last week that he's not going because of work. I am not happy about this and not likely to get over it soon.
5. Finally, I got my period today. Yay! Except... because it's a Saturday, the nurses at the clinic are whoever is on call. So they are calling in my b/c rx... except I hated being on Ap.ri, so the PA wrote me a rx for Lev.ora instead the last time. Apparently, she never put it into my electronic records so the nurse today didn't have any record of it. So it looks like I'm taking Ap.ri again, since I don't want to wait til Monday to figure it all out because those two days would push me back a week. So watch out world... here comes the crazy bitch...
   
   
   

I apologize in advance for this totally lame post...

One of the things that has bothered me in the past about ICLW is when I try to comment on blogs and people who have signed up don't post all week.

But here I am, not great about posting this ICLW week.

I have a whole story about something that happened with III this week, but I just don't have the energy right now.

So I thought I'd link to some important me stuff from past posts for anyone who is interested.

The story of my best girl.

The worst week of my life- when I lost my hard fought pregnancy and my sweet girl.

How I met my DH.

All about anxiety.

The long explanation of our whole chromosomal thingy.

So there are a couple for now... :)

Oh, and I want to add a shout out for The R House blog and Mrs. R's giveaway. :) If you've ever considered adopting, you must check out her blog- amazing family with an amazing story- and amazing adoption advocates!

I'm still here....

Not a lot to tell... waiting for my period. Still having more crabby moments than positive... I started acupuncture again, though this time for mood and energy. FIL is definitely having a heart transplant. KB's kidney issues are very sucky right now. I'm very wrapped up in Peanut's health issues right now. She's still pooping blood. :( More tests and a new food to try this weekend.

So that's all I've got for now... just not much to say lately. :-/

Good riddance...

...to 2009. What a shitty-ass year.

To recap?

• It started off with my beloved B-dog being diagnosed with lymphoma. I spent the next six months taking her to and from chemo treatments.
• I had a tough group of kids in my teaching job and an administrator who not only is ineffective, but often makes the teachers' jobs harder.
  
• After 3 failed IUIs , we had our first IVF attempt, only to find something was causing a failure to fertilize- 17 eggs, and none fertilized! They did a "rescue" that ended in a chemical pregnancy.
• In June, B came out of the remission she had been in.
• Labor Day weekend, my FIL had card.iac death and was revived with CPR. They put in a defibrillator.
• The third week in September, I had a miscarriage.
• That same week, we had to have B-dog put to sleep.
• My FIL ended up back in the hospital when his defibrillator went off multiple times in one night. He saw a specialist about the possibility of a transplant. (Though it was decided he's "not quite there" yet.)
  
• We found out that III has a chromosomal inversion which is contributing to our issues.
• Meanwhile, at least three of my friends are pregnant and due and spring/summer.

We flew to visit my in-laws over xmas and it was a really rough trip for me. While III's family is very nice, I don't really fit in with them. This is always an issue when we visit, but this time my reserves were really down and I just didn't have the energy or ability to deal well with it. On top of that, we spent four out of five days with friends and family who have young kids. It's the first time that I had a really hard time being around others' children.

2009 topped off in the baggage claim of the airport coming home on Wednesday. I had barely just turned my phone on when it rang. It was a nurse from the RE's office. Insurance will not let us do a fresh PGD cycle until we use all of our frozen embryos. So apparently, they are going to do PGD on the frozen ones. I don't know why they didn't give us this as an option before, or how that changes our chances of a pregnancy because Dr. Z was not in on Wednesday or Thursday. Hopefully I'll get to talk to him on Monday to get more details. There is an up side to this- no shots or ER this cycle, and if any of the embryos survive and are viable, we'll be able to cycle earlier... but it just feels like another complication in this whole overly complicated process.

So 2010? Bring it on. It has to be better than what '09 brought. (Please!!!)

Missing my B every day.

"Until one has loved an animal, part of one's soul remains unawakened."

~Anatole France

We don't need no stinkin' baby!*

Who needs a baby to be sleep deprived?

Peanut spent Thursday night gagging like there was something lodged in her throat. I tried water, bread, massaging her trachea... nothing worked. She gagged and spit up until about 3am. Then whatever was irritating her seemed to subside. Awesome since I had to wake up at 5.

She woke up Friday feeling fine. Figured I would get some great Friday night sleep, and sleep in on Saturday morning.

Nope.

2am- Peanut has to pee.
3:30am- Peanut has to poop.
5:30am- Peanut wants to eat.
5:40am- Peanut has to poop again.
6:00am- Peanut is awake and wants to play. Challenges M-dog to a wrestling match in our bedroom.

At this point I got out of bed. Figured there was no reason for both me and III to be kept awake. Led the dogs downstairs, and set myself up on the couch. M-dog eventually decided he'd rather cuddle with me than wrestle with Peanut, so she had to resign herself to hanging out on the couch for a while.

And I can't remember the last time III and I had sex, but I'm pretty sure it's only been once since Peanut came to live with us.

*I just thought this title was funny. Of course, I still want a baby- stinkin' or otherwise.

It feels like a list day.

• Today I'm feeling sad that I'm not pregnant.
• I opened up to III this weekend and told him I had this feeling of sadness and despair that seems to lie under the surface, even on happy days and times when I'm enjoying myself.
• I think III has a bit of that too, but I think he doesn't even realize it. He blames it on Peanut or on work, but I think he is more sensitive to the negative things there because of the shitty things that have gone down with us lately.
• Peanut is doing so much better. But she's still having accidents in the house, which I suspect now has to do with lack of consistency in her bathroom schedule. There was a lack of consistency because of how much she had to go after the deworming. Now that that's getting better, I'm hoping she'll fall into more of a routine and stop pooping on the floor.
• Speaking of pooping on the floor, I started my morning yesterday at 6 o'clock by stepping toes first into a pile of dog shit. Nice.
• I'm excited because KB found out she is having a boy.
• I'm depressed because these were milestones we were supposed to be going through together.
• I'm frustrated because I am waiting for my period to start so we can do something.
• Mondays always make the week seem like it is stretching endlessly out before me, with too much to do.
• I have too much to do, but I'm blogging instead of doing it.
• When I go home, I have too much to do but I'm knitting instead of doing it. I finished the back of a sweater for III and am worried I'll spend all this time on it and he won't want to wear it or it won't fit. I'm also working on a hat for me and the Bi.g B.ad Ba.by Blan.ket. I'm not sure who that's for... I had initially planned it to be for myself. I think I'm going to make one for KB, but I think I want to use more 'boy colors'.
  
• The test I posted on Thursday is here. I also took an interesting relationship test here. I took a general stress test too, but it claimed it was going to email me the results and never did. Oh, and I took a procrastination test that said I'm a moderate procrastinator who is in danger of becoming a bigger procrastinator.
  
• I'm having some bowel issues today. I think the apple I ate upset my colon. Why does that happen? I have such a sensitive digestive system...
• Halfway through Monday... I'll get there.
  

Cranky is as cranky does...

After such a lovely weekend away for our anniversary two weeks ago, III has been ... let's say unpleasant to be around.

For a while, I thought he was upset with me about something- he doesn't always share. Turns out it was partially work, and partially Peanut.

Saturday, he ended up having to work from 2pm-4:30am. So he took yesterday off. I thought it would be good- a chance for a break for him on his own. Everyone needs their alone time, right?

He was a little better. A little. Finally, last night I asked him how he was feeling about Peanut. He said "okay". He thinks she's a spaz but she's getting better. Then I said "What about me? You just don't seem to like me very much lately." He said "It's just hard because work has been hard and then I come home and with Peanut now it doesn't feel like a haven." I agree with him that for the first week, it was stressful, but now? She's still tough but not for him. He does none of the work with her. It's all me. So I said "I think she's much better," and he says "Yeah, she's just so much work."

Um. Huh. If you think a 7 month old dog is a lot of work, what do you think is going to happen when we have an infant??? You better buck up, buddy.

I feel like all I do lately is waver between being irritated with him and trying not to upset him. Last night, I took Peanut after her 1am poopie trip and slept in the spare room. So I don't know what he's complaining about.

ICLW and peanut

I decided to participate in ICLW again this month- so if you are here from ICLW, Welcome! If you are one of my regular readers... welcome anyway! And if you're here from somewhere else... well... welcome! LOL

My husband (III) and I just celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary. We have been TTC for 2 years and working with ART for just over a year. After 4 IUI cycles and 2 IVF cycles, we finally were successful. Briefly. Last month, I miscarried at 8w. Sadly, that same week we had to put our beloved B-dog to sleep after a battle with lymphoma. So it's been rough for us lately...

For a more detailed description of our TTC journey you can check out my history post.

*****************************************

Peanut is really settling in. Thank goodness! I thought III was going to give up on her. She still has plenty of energy, but she has restful spells between her spurts of energy and is sooooo cuddly. At the end of the day, she'll climb up on the couch next to me and curl up against me. She cuddles in as close as she can get. What a sweet girl.

The biggest problem is poop. (Warning... this is going to get detailed.) She has had diarrhea since day 1. The previous owners claimed she'd had "soft" poops since they got her. Well, that's understating what we've seen, plus some blood. :( Poor baby. I took her to the vet yesterday and she's down four pounds! That's only 10% of her body weight. :( :( :( Turns out she has roundworm. Ick. I'm glad we found what could be causing all of this, because it can be fixed, but... ick. I'm nervous about M-dog getting it. We have to pick up all of her poop as soon as she goes... but the consistency of it makes that tough. Not only that... but there may be WORMS in her poop. iiiiiiiicccccckkkkkkk.

The previous owners did have her stool tested, and supposedly it came back "clean". My vet said that can happen on any particular day. But wouldn't you think if she continued to have problems and stay so small they would check it again? Or deworm her anyway just in case? I don't blame the owners, but it just shows me that not all vets are created equal. The place I go is a little more expensive than the place I used to take my dogs, but if they can catch things like this and are more thorough, I'm willing to pay.

We start puppy school tomorrow and I'm excited. I'm looking forward to solidifying some of her training and bonding with her.

For today, I stayed home from school (shhhhhh), because I just needed to sleep and decompress alone. But I do have stuff I have to do since I'm here. I'm giving myself two hours to just sit on the couch and knit before I start on my list.