Possibly the worst part...

There are a lot of really shitty parts about dealing with infertility...

But this one, to me, is one of the worst.

I am finding it hard to be happy for pregnant people. Not just that, but there is some serious bitch going on inside of my head.

My sister is eight and a half weeks pregnant. I was IMing with her yesterday. She had told me weeks ago on the day she got her positive HPT. It is only here that I will make the horrible admission that I was just the teensiest bit disappointed to hear that her 8w u/s went well. Isn't that the worst thing you've ever heard???? Not that I was hoping for her to miscarry... NOT AT ALL. But to hear how everything is going perfectly makes me want to punch a whole in the wall while screaming "WHY EVERYONE BUT ME?????" She got her IUD out on 8/18 and She had said to me "I might have trouble- I know a lot of people who have trouble the second time around." Yeah, whatever. She got her period 9/4 and then got pregnant right away.

I'm also bitchy about the fact that she claims she had symptoms beginning at 3.5 weeks. Okay, if you say so. I told her the embryo had likely not even implanted yet, and she said "I know, but it causes all sorts of hormone stuff before you can even test." Oh, okay, expert.* Actually, no. That's why you can't test. The progesterone that is causing your boobs to feel sore would be there anyway.

Then she says "Is there a reason your asking?" I thought she was calling me on my patronizing big-sister shit, but she was actually thinking I was asking her for symptom advice because I was possibly pregnant. :( No, but thanks for the positive thoughts since I clearly can't do it myself. *sigh* I told her I was fully aware of what early pregnancy symptoms felt like since I'd done it twice.

I told her a bit about our insurance stuff and how costly our cycle would be without it. Then she asked if we had considered "other alternatives". I said "Insurance doesn't pay for adoption either." Then she asked about donor sperm. I wanted to ask her how her husband would feel about using someone else's sperm to make 'his' baby.** Instead, I told her that my doctor doesn't think we need to.

I hate that I hate that my sister can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I hate that she's kind of smug about it. I hate that she feels sorry for me. I hate that my sense is to be defensive when she actually is trying to be nice. I hate that I know this is hard for her because she really wants me to get pregnant too and feels bad that we aren't.

Hate, hate, hate, hate. Fuck you, infertility.

*Clearly, I am not an "expert" either. And I might be full of shit. But I do feel like I have more insight into the whole process than average super-fertile women like my lucky as shit sister.
**No offense to anyone who has gone this route. We're lucky that we've been told we shouldn't need to. I say it this way because I know it is one of the huge parts of making that decision for many men, including III if we did have to.

Right now they ARE my babies!

With Halloween coming up this weekend, I ordered costumes online for my two dogs.

When they got here, I put them on my dogs and, using treats for bribery, took some photos of them.

I posted a photo of the two of them on my facebook page. An aunt (who while she may not know the specific details, knows we've had "trouble" ttc) commented: "You have too much time on your hands!"

Really? Is that what you are going to tell my sister when she posts pictures of her two year old in his costume? Is that what you will tell the parents who bring their kids in their fifty dollar costumes trick or treating to your door?

Oh, and for the record? If we finally DO get pregnant and have babies, I probably will STILL take pictures of my dogs in costume at Halloween. Maybe I'll even buy a matching one for the kid.

Sometimes things fall into place.

While I had mixed feelings on taking a leave of absence this year from my teaching job, I also felt like I needed it. Part of my plan was to explore some of my other interests. I'm working at a store that sells paper and craft goods part time. It's really fun to be able to use some of my creative talents and see what others are doing. I also plan to volunteer at the local animal shelter. I attended my first orientation and will be having my first "training session" soon.

Something else I had considered was leaving the middle school to teach high school. I love eighth graders, but there are things about middle school that are wearing. I also was excited about possibly teaching higher level math.

Last week, I got a call from a friend who teaches high school. A teacher she works with who was pregnant with twins after fertility treatments tragically had her water break at 22 weeks. :( They were wondering if I could cover two of her classes each morning for a while.

I don't know this woman, but I am so, so sad for her. That is every expectant mother's worst nightmare, and especially for those of us who have gone through so much to get pregnant. But it is a great opportunity for me to "try out" the high school. Since it did happen, I am also sure it gives her the comfort of knowing she can stay home and heal while her "kids" are being taught by someone who knows what she's doing. (A lot of times in a situation like this, a sub is brought in who doesn't know the curriculum.)

So I've gone from having nothing to do to being pretty busy! I teach from 7:30-10am and then either come home or go to work at the store. Of course, that means I've come down with a cold and have been running low all week...

Drama from my cousin's upcoming wedding, in which I am a bridesmaid*, is adding to a bit of stress, but I'm confident that in the next few weeks things will settle down again and I'll be able to analyze how I feel about my various new experiences.

My next appointment with Dr. Z is 11/1. It was supposed to be this past Thursday, but was scheduled for 9:30, so when I agreed to teach at the high school I rescheduled. I'm expecting my period around 11/4 or 5... Ideally, if we're doing a frozen cycle next that will be enough time to get going for a November transfer.

Oh, and insurance update- it turns out I CAN go back on my insurance with school (even before this PT high school thing happened), and they even are allowing me to bypass COBRA since on a leave of absence I'm technically still employed by the school system. It will cost us around $7000 for the year to pay for my insurance, but ONE fresh IVF cycle for us costs $22,000 (I gathered all my bills and receipts from the last cycle and did the math) so it is definitely the best option.

I've been bad about posting, though as usual I often have posts in my head that I plan to write out and then don't. I'll definitely update after we see Dr. Z. Thanks for those of you who have stuck with me. :)

*On that note, I'm trying to choose shoes to wear with my floor length brown satin bridesmaid dress. I've fallen in love with a red pair of suede shoes. Red shoes have been okayed by the bride. Can one wear suede and satin together? Thoughts?

Bothered.

I'm feeling very bothered this week that we don't have a baby.

Bothered seems to be the best word for it right now.

I don't know why now any more than usual.

Maybe it's because my sister told me she's pregnant with her second. After trying for one month. And she told us and my parents and her in laws when she was a whopping 4 weeks. It bothers me that she gets to be so naive about it.

Maybe it's because, now that she has two, KB is finding it harder to be social. She really wants to see me, but it has to be around nap times and pre-school and sleepless nights with an infant. I don't resent it, but I do feel guilty because I don't always feel like driving to her or scheduling around her kids. (As much as I love them. We went for ice cream the other day, and Miss M climbed into my lap and my heart almost burst with love. Maybe that's part of it too.)

Maybe it's my internal struggle around T's loss of her husband. It's terrible and I hurt so much for her, because I can't imagine losing III. But there is also a voice in my head that says "At least they got to be parents together." And that makes me feel guilty.

Maybe it's that our anniversary is on Thursday. Four years married, three years trying and over two years of ART. Still no baby. Last year around this time I posted "Here's hoping that by our next anniversary, we will be looking forward to an impending birth- or possibly even celebrating a recent one." But we're not. Here we are, in the same place we were then.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the voice echoing in my head: "It's not fair."

Woulda, coulda, shoulda...

If we had been one of those mythical couples (ha. I, fortunately or unfortunately, know quite a few of those...) who conceived our first month trying, we would have a two year old now.

If we had been one of those lucky couples who are a "one and done" with our first IUI, our baby would have just celebrated his first birthday.

If IVF had been our silver bullet, and the first one had "taken", we'd be the parents of a six month old.

If our first official pregnancy had been viable and I hadn't miscarried, KB and I would be raising our little ones together, just a few days difference in their ages.

If the fibroid hadn't taken all of the blood supply from my twin pregnancy, I'd be almost seven months pregnant- big and uncomfortable and keeping my fingers crossed for healthy, full term babies.

I've been told plenty of times, IRL and in blogland, that "you can't" think about what might have been. Focus on the now. Focus on the future. "It is what it is."

But how can I not think about it? How can I ignore what I might have had, especially as I sit here, three years down the road, with no baby?

Stuck in the middle...

I was in Ko.hls the other day, shopping for some clothes. (We sent two boxes of stuff home before we knew we'd be staying, and I'm very short on t-shirts.) As went looking for a slim fitting t-shirt that wasn't too tight or too short, I realized- I feel like I'm in this weird place where I'm too old for Juniors, but too young for Misses. (At least the Misses they sell at Ko.hls.)

In the car on the way home from visiting FIL, III and I were talking about how we feel that way about our life right now. III's cousin and her husband are still in that early marriage phase where they're are kind of "playing house" and exploring their neighborhood. His closest friends out here have kids. We're floating somewhere in the middle... We're settled in to our lives and ready for kids, but... we don't have any.

There's the 'expected' path you follow (especially out here where we grew up), and we're stalled between two stages.

Back home, we have 2 other couples with whom we are friendly who are in a similar boat. Luckily, we are able to see them fairly regularly. But this summer, being out here away from our usual group of friends it's felt really obvious. And really lonely.

One long ass update post.

So I haven't posted a real update in a while, and there has been lots going on at the same time there has been little going on. Does that even make sense?

I don't even know where to start, so excuse me if this is a little random and all over the place.

We have been staying out at the lake, but it hasn't been as relaxing as we thought it might be. We spent 2 days driving out there, and 2 day settling in, then it was the 4th of July and all of III's family descended on us. We had another day or two and then we headed out for a week to visit my family for a reunion and surprise anniversary party for my parents (planned long distance by me). We returned and had 9 days to ourselves, though III started his temporary work assignment and was settling in there. Then my parents came out to the lake, and my mom stayed for 9 days while my dad traveled around to different baseball stadiums. In the midst of all of this, III's family was out every weekend. While it has been nice to see them and spend time with them, it's hard for us to get time to relax. Plus, it winds our dogs up. III's family only has little, non shedding dogs, so they are a little overwhelmed by our big, loud, shedding, slobbery boxers. In part because of this, III's mom drove us crazy with her super OCD-ed-ness. She keeps bringing out old towels and covering the furniture with sheets (under the blankets we've already covered it with) and buying new "knock-around" comforters for the bedroom, like our dogs are going to tear apart the house or something.

Today I'm headed back home for the week because my myomectomy is on Thursday. I go in tomorrow for pre-op tests, can't eat all day on Wednesday, and then have surgery on Thursday. Sunday we fly back to the lake for one more week, and then we head home for a while. Our plan keeps changing, but we had gotten to a point where the thought was that we'd be out there for at least 2 and possibly 5 months... or possibly forever if a transfer occurred. This weekend III told me he thinks we should go home for now. His dad is doing okay on the IV and there's not much for III to do for him. When it gets to a point where he gets his transfer, we'll probably do this all over again.

While I'm happy to head home, it also is making my head spin because it was not originally the plan. I've been working out with a personal trainer for the past two weeks, and I really like her. (Side note- the first day I met her, she tells me "in the spirit of full disclosure I want to let you know that I'm 4 and a half months pregnant." Of course you are. Because this is my life. She is due 3 days after I would have been due with my last pregnancy. Luckily, as I said, I like her so I guess it's not really that big of deal anymore...) I'm disappointed to have to start over somewhere else, and to leave when I feel like she and I have made a connection. The little town we're staying in is also growing on me, and it is certainly nice for me and the dogs to be on the lake.

Also... I officially took leave from my job. So I'm kind of freaking out. Since we're going home, I guess a part of my head tells me that I did it for nothing... but that's not totally true, because III's dad could get a heart at any time and then we'll be heading back. Plus... well, anyone who has read my blog for the past year knows that last year was not a super happy one at work, so maybe I really do need to regroup and think about what I want to do. But, it's one thing to want that and another for it actually to happen. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now that I'm jobless for the year, plus I can't help worrying about the money, even though we have money in our savings. I also find myself in kind of an identity crisis... I am an eighth grade math teacher. That's what I DO and who I AM. And, damn it, I'm good at it! So what happens when I'm no longer part of an eighth grade classroom? Hm.

Something else that's been hard is KB. She has been my main support through a lot of this, but I'm finding talking to her more stressful than helpful lately. She is full on FREAKING OUT about my potential move, and I find I don't even want to tell her what is going on because I end up consoling her or wanting to hide stuff from her. I 100% understand where she's coming from, because I have the same anxiety about us living so far apart. But I also have the anxiety of where I'm going to work, where I'm going to live, making new friends, and hoping that my FIL doesn't die before he gets a new heart, and that the new heart works. Oh, and then there's the whole infertility thing too...

I hope to update about my myomectomy in the next few days. I can't find much about others' experiences to know what to expect, so I'll try to post mine for others in a similar situation to find.

I also apologize for not keeping up with your blogs. We're using an USB modem, which limits my online time. And... well, as many of you probably also find, when you're on an IF 'break' sometimes you fall off the IF blog wagon, both writing and reading.

Hope everyone is well. Be back soon!!!

How selfish is too selfish?

When you are dealing with infertility, especially over a long period of time, there comes a point when you realize you have to be selfish. You need to avoid baby showers and people who just 'don't get it.' You need to nurture yourself and do whatever you need to do to stay sane.

But where is the line?

We're visiting my family right now. Different members of my family know different levels of what is going on with us. My cousin probably knows the most. My parents, the least. (Well, some of my cousins know even less, but they don't really care one way or another, so I've left them out of my scale.)

I've talked a bit before about why I've kept so much from my parents. My mom has major anxiety issues. Far worse than mine, and she's never been treated for them, therapeutically or medicinally. My dad.... well, he's a New Yorker in many senses of all that those words imply. He doesn't mean to, but he just can be really abrasive and say the wrong thing. For example, when I first told them that we were having trouble and were seeing a doctor, he followed up by asking me that if we had a boy whether we were going to have a bris.* Hmm. Gee, dad. Not really in my top ten concerns right now.

I've always been kind of closed mouthed with my parents about everything for those reasons as well as others. At this point, they know we are having fertility treatments. My mom recently asked "Did they do the thing yet where they take the eggs out?" Yes, mother. They did the thing.

Another annoyance- even when I tell them, they forget. Seriously? How can you forget I told you about the thing with the eggs? It's kind of a big deal? But yesterday, I was talking to my mom's sister about it, because her daughter is a cancer survivor and going to have to have IVF because of some complications that went along with her treatments. My mom comes running up and says "wait wait wait! I didn't get to hear any of that!" I told her- "Mom, you already know." She said "No I don't! I didn't know you were doing IVF!" I said "Yes, you asked me directly. Remember? The thing with the eggs?"

So anyway. They don't know about my miscarriages. I just honestly feel like I can't deal with all of their questions and worry. I told my cousin (the one who is going to have IVF) "I'll tell you about everything we have gone through, but I haven't told my mom everything... because... well, you know." and she kind of made a face and said "Oh, I know." So It's not just in my head.

Anyway... back to my title... I know that it bothers my parents that I keep stuff from them. I know they wish they knew more. I even know that they know that part of the reason I do it is because of how they have handled situations in the past. But I feel bad that they feel out of the loop. It's hard, because initially I was telling myself I was leaving them out of the loop for my mom- because I felt like she'd get so upset. But now I have to admit that I'm keeping certain parts from them for myself- because I feel like mom would get so upset but I don't want to deal with that.

I don't like being selfish. But right now, to be honest, I want to be.

*I was raised Jewish, III was raised Catholic. What exactly we plan to do with our children is still 100% up in the air, and both of our parents have been informed of that.

Random thoughts

If I hadn't lost my first pregnancy, I'd have a fourteen week old baby right now. It would make this trip very, very different.

If I hadn't lost my second pregnancy, I'd be sixteen weeks pregnant with twins. Also, a very different trip.

But I'm not pregnant. I don't have a baby. But I have my dogs, and they are my babies. We leave tomorrow to visit my family and leave them with a dog sitter who I don't know. I'm sure things will be fine, but I'm nervous. I'll miss them.

In other news.... my MIL is a very nice woman. She means well. But I just don't like her very much. Isn't that horrible??? One of my fears about moving here was her. Right now, she is confirming that fear. I'm hoping as we're here longer, she will chill. But I don't know. Fingers crossed....

I'm looking forward to Saturday. I planned a surprise party and it's all coming together.

I'm also looking forward to seeing my nephew. He's almost two and a half now, and I just love that age.

I realized this week that my surgery will coincide with when I would have been halfway through my most recent pregnancy. Awesome.

I also realized, with my surgery, it will be fall 2011 before I could even possibly have a baby. Fuck.

That's all I've got today. Probably won't be back until next week.

Post op

I met with Dr. Z yesterday for my D&E 'post op'.

Nothing interesting to report. The testing of the "products of conception" came back normal. As expected.

He gave me the name and number of a doctor to do laproscopic surgery to remove my fibroid. The problem is we're scheduled to leave for the summer on June 29, and I'm not sure I can get it in by then. He also had a recommendation for a doctor near where I'll be this summer who could do it, but I'm not sure how that would work with insurance.

While in the appointment with him, he commented on how I always seem to "put on a brave face" at our appointments. What he doesn't know is that I left that appointment and cried all the way home in the car.

I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe it is June 2010 and I'm not pregnant. Next week I would have been twelve weeks with this last pregnancy. My biggest problem should have been when and how we were going to share our news.

While sitting in the waiting room I thought of how sick I am of sitting in the waiting room for ultrasound after appointment after procedure after appointment after blood draw....

At the same time, I'm dreading our impending move and having to change clinics and get to know someplace new and dealing with having a new doctor get to know our situation.

This all sucks. I just want a baby. :(

Project IF

This week (April 24-May 1) is National Infertility(IF) Awareness Week. Visit Stirrup Queens for an explanation of Project IF.

What IF our infertility journey drives a wedge between my husband and I from which we can not recover?

As I get older, I see more and more friends and peers who are separating and divorcing. There are some that have not surprised me, while others seem to come out of nowhere. A mentor of mine always says "You can't see into someone else's relationship," and it's true. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Still, when I hear about these- especially those that surprise me- I can't help thinking "If they can't make it, how do we know we can?"

Marriage is work. When I was single, while I knew marriage wasn't easy, I never could have imagined the stress we would encounter, just within the first three short years of our marriage. It's not just the infertility- but infertility is a huge piece of it.

Dealing with the many aspects of infertility is unarguably stressful. It is stressful to an individual as well as to a relationship. It seems the more often you fail, the worse you feel.

In my case, as I've mentioned before, III and I deal with stress in totally different ways. He withdraws and wants to be alone. I reach out and want comfort and company. This is something we've been able to verbalize to each other, but it doesn't take away the difficulties, the stress, and sometimes the hurt that goes along with it.

During the brief time I was pregnant, there was a lightness in our relationship we hadn't experienced for quite a while. A hope. Anticipation. When we got the news that, yet again, there would be no baby, it was like a heavy curtain fell over us.

This recent positive beta has not come with that same lightness. In fact, I feel like the last two weeks have been darker than things have been since our miscarriage. At one point, III expressed to me that he is not letting himself even hope this will go further, because it is too hard if we have another failure. I also know he is angry to have found out that our problems are "his fault." Beyond those few comments, however, he's been silent.

I know we should talk about it. That communication is what is going to keep us connected. But I get tired. Tired of always being the one who has to initiate. Tired of being the one who has to manage the state of our relationship. Tired of being the one who has to manage the state of our fertility!

But I keep doing it. Even though it's hard. Even though I'm tired. Because I want us to work. And I keep hoping beyond hope that this will work and we will be parents. That the cliche is true; there is a light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

I love III more than I could have understood I would have the ability to love anyone. I imagine babies with his eyes, and those little back dimples he has above his butt. I dream of watching him fall in love with daddy's girl and seeing him swell with pride watching little tiger grow up into a man.

I know that having a baby is not going to fix our communication differences. I know that it is not going to heal my father-in-law's busted heart. It is not going to make III fall in love with the city in which we live. Not only will it not only solve our naughty-dog issues, but it will likely add to them...

But it will allow us to see the wonder of the world through our child's eyes. It will bring my in-laws, as well as my own parents, happiness in their last years (whether it be 2 or 20). It will introduce us to a new community within the one we already live. It will complete our family- Mom, Dad, kiddo and our pups.

What IF...

...all this work is worth it, because we will fulfill our dream of being parents?
...our relationship as parents enriches our relationship as spouses?
...we make it through this dark place, and come out stronger on the other end?

For a basic understanding of infertility, please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101 .
This url gives the background of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW): www.resolve.org/takecharge.
The original “what if” list: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/.

The rundown...

My doctor suggests drinking 6 to 8 ounces of water before my appointment so that I'm "full but not desperate". I brought a bottle of water in the car. When I first got there I was doing okay. After 45 minutes, when we hadn't yet heard anything I decided to go to the bathroom, though I didn't "empty". After we had been there for an hour, a nurse finally came out and told us that the PGD results from the lab were not in yet. She said they generally get there by noon and it was about a quarter after. She suggested I pee, and told us she'd be back as soon as they got something.

Twenty minutes later I peed again. I figured there was no way of knowing how long we'd be sitting there, and once we got back to surgery it would be about fifteen minutes anyway, so I'd just keep drinking my water and peeing when I had to.

A full hour and a half after my appointment they finally came and got me. We still didn't know if we had anything to transfer. Not until she told me to get changed and said the doctor would talk to me when I was finished- I figured they wouldn't have me put on a gown if there was nothing to transfer!

Of the nine embryos thawed, seven survived to biopsy. Two of those did not progress after biopsy. Of the five remaining, two were abnormal (one w/down syndrome). Of the three that appeared to be normal, one was a day 5 blastocyst and two were day 5 morulas. Dr. Z was in the surgery that day- its the first time he's done any of my procedures! He gave us the option of transferring the blast and one morula, then seeing if the other morula progressed enough to be frozen, transferring only the blast with the potential of freezing both morulas, or transferring all three. I asked him if, considering my history (chem preg with 1st 2 emb IVF and one implantation with 2nd 2 emb IVF) combined with what we now know about what my insurance requires, if it was reasonable to transfer all three. He said it was certainly not “too crazy”, as long as we were aware of the “risk” (meaning a multiple pregnancy).

So we did. Unlike the last time, III decided to come into the OR with me. (We went to a bball game for his alma mater yesterday, and they squeaked out a win, just like they did last year when we went. I told him he was good luck for them, and so he told me he figured he should come in with me just in case he could be a good luck charm for us too.)

They took a photo of the embryos for us, as usual. By the time they took the photo of the embryos, one of the morulas had already progressed to an early blastocyst! The transfer went well and easily.

They wanted me to have my beta on the 16th- I was very surprised! I didn't think it would be that early. But we're going to be out of town from the 13th to the 21st, so the beta will have to wait until the 22nd. At least it's likely to be all or nothing at that point. And I'd guess that if it's going to be negative I'll have already had some warning (spotting or maybe even my period).

I've been going to acupuncture for my mood and energy and it's really be helping. She has obviously been focusing on the fertility stuff too, and today she came in special on a Sunday since I had my transfer. She's feeling very optimistic and excited for me.

So I'm feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time, and to be honest that hope scares me. This whole thing has been such a mess... the idea that it could actually work this time just seems too far out of reach...

hopefully worth the wait

7 survived thaw, two abnormal, two didn't progress. We transferred the remaining three. More details later...

the wait is killing me

We've been sitting in the lobby of my re for almost an hour and a half. 30 min ago a nurse came out and told us they haven't received the PGD results from the lab in Detroit but it should be soon. Screw the full bladder- I've now peed three times. Not feeling at all optimistic. What a potential waste of a morning...

Color me cynical...

I don't expect to have anything to transfer tomorrow. We've been on the wrong end of the statistics from day one... and now there aren't even any statistics to really go by. After living through the "None of your seventeen eggs fertilized" and the 'heartbeat-at-seven-weeks-no-heartbeat-at-eight-weeks'... well, I just am not expecting positive results. Nine frozen embryos... seems like SOMETHING should make it. But they have to survive a thaw AND a biopsy and THEN they have to be normal. I read that 50% of the average couple's embryos are not genetically normal. And we're not the average couple. Even throwing aside all of the shitty luck experiences we've already had, we now know about the inversion.

So in fourteen hours I go to the clinic to find out what happens next. And I just don't have high hopes. Actually, I don't have any hopes. I'm numb. I have no expectations. We bought a box-o-wine tonight. (Don't judge me. It's actually a high class box o' wine. It was even at our wine expo!) It is the equivalent of four boxes of wine. III was like "But after 'the thing' tomorrow you probably won't drink, and I can't drink four bottles in a week (we're going on vacation in a week) myself." But... I had him buy it. Whatever. I'm not optimistic that there will be reason to stop the wine.

And even if there is... I don't feel like I'll be sweating bullets this two week wait. Luckily, we're going on vacation for a week, so that will help even if I was. But, again, my expectations are so low nonexistent that I can't imagine it will be all that hard.

I'm actually not at all sure what to expect from this cycle symptom wise. I'm used to being bloated and uncomfortable post-ER. I've been taking progesterone (had to switch from endometrin to something else because of my insurance, but whatever...) and am not really feeling anything. The headaches I was getting from the estrogen have gone away, so now I just feel normal. I've even lost two pounds (though that might be from my cold which is leaving me with a poor appetite).

So anyway. I guess I'm expecting the worst, but obviously hoping for the best. The best, IMO, would be two beautiful blasts to transfer, but none to freeze. I don't want our next cycle to be a frozen one. Bring on the bravelle. Bring on the swollen follicles and the bloat. If it gives us more of a chance of walking away with our baby before I turn 36 (as I have very low expectations of a due date when I am still 34...) I'm all about it.

u/s and bloodwork yesterday-- everything looks good. My progesterone was only at 0.337 (good- meaning I didn't ovulate) and my lining was over 7mm.

Sooooo. I'm feeling a little numb about the whole thing, I think as self preservation in case we end up with nothing to transfer. I have so much anxiety about the whole thing, regardless of the outcome. If none of them survive the thaw, I'll be disappointed and we wasted another month. If they survive the thaw but are not normal, ditto to the last comment plus it will cause me anxiety about whether we can produce normal embryos. If we get some good ones to transfer, I have the anxiety of the 2ww. Even if I get a positive beta... well, we all know how it goes. Especially since all the forms and phone calls I've had with the lab pounds into my head that a good test result doesn't guarantee an embryo without chromosomal issues. I know they have to say that, but... ugh.

Not feeling well today. Another cold is coming on. Still missing my B-dog like I'd miss a limb, if you can believe that. III's bday is Friday and I seem to have lost my gift-giving mo-jo and am scrambling a bit...

I think I'm ready for this week to be over...

Hurry up and wait...

After I posted yesterday, I got my period. Woohoo!

It was Sunday, so I didn't bother hurrying to call the clinic and report in for CD1. I called today... and it's a holiday. So while I did speak to a nurse, it turns out my file is with the financial person, who is off today. So I have to wait for tomorrow to make sure that all my stuff is in order so that they can get me my meds. She said it's not a big deal, though, and that I just have to start them by CD5.

As unlikely as it is that I'll get pregnant from this cycle, it's nice to be doing something. I always feel better when there's a plan in place and we're executing it.

Good riddance...

...to 2009. What a shitty-ass year.

To recap?

• It started off with my beloved B-dog being diagnosed with lymphoma. I spent the next six months taking her to and from chemo treatments.
• I had a tough group of kids in my teaching job and an administrator who not only is ineffective, but often makes the teachers' jobs harder.
  
• After 3 failed IUIs , we had our first IVF attempt, only to find something was causing a failure to fertilize- 17 eggs, and none fertilized! They did a "rescue" that ended in a chemical pregnancy.
• In June, B came out of the remission she had been in.
• Labor Day weekend, my FIL had card.iac death and was revived with CPR. They put in a defibrillator.
• The third week in September, I had a miscarriage.
• That same week, we had to have B-dog put to sleep.
• My FIL ended up back in the hospital when his defibrillator went off multiple times in one night. He saw a specialist about the possibility of a transplant. (Though it was decided he's "not quite there" yet.)
  
• We found out that III has a chromosomal inversion which is contributing to our issues.
• Meanwhile, at least three of my friends are pregnant and due and spring/summer.

We flew to visit my in-laws over xmas and it was a really rough trip for me. While III's family is very nice, I don't really fit in with them. This is always an issue when we visit, but this time my reserves were really down and I just didn't have the energy or ability to deal well with it. On top of that, we spent four out of five days with friends and family who have young kids. It's the first time that I had a really hard time being around others' children.

2009 topped off in the baggage claim of the airport coming home on Wednesday. I had barely just turned my phone on when it rang. It was a nurse from the RE's office. Insurance will not let us do a fresh PGD cycle until we use all of our frozen embryos. So apparently, they are going to do PGD on the frozen ones. I don't know why they didn't give us this as an option before, or how that changes our chances of a pregnancy because Dr. Z was not in on Wednesday or Thursday. Hopefully I'll get to talk to him on Monday to get more details. There is an up side to this- no shots or ER this cycle, and if any of the embryos survive and are viable, we'll be able to cycle earlier... but it just feels like another complication in this whole overly complicated process.

So 2010? Bring it on. It has to be better than what '09 brought. (Please!!!)

"But that's a good thing, right?"

I have two friends who have really made an effort to keep up with where we are in this whole IVF process. Both of them called me after yesterday's doctor's appt.

After explaining, basically, what I explained here in yesterday's post to each of them, both of their responses were essentially "...those are good things!"

Yeah. I guess it is. Dr. Z seems pretty sure we're going to have a baby at the end of all of this. We have good enough insurance that it allows us these invasive and expensive treatments and we live in a state that requires insurance to pay for these treatments. We have not been told that our problems are too large to be overcome. We live in a time when science and medicine allows us, despite whatever crazy issues we have, to have (what our doctor assures us can be) a healthy baby.

So why am I not more excited? All I feel is the impatience of having to wait for my next period, and then through the necessary weeks of BCP. The anticipation of the shots and the bloating. The anxiety of scheduling all the appointments and procedures and the worry that it will all coincide with our vacation in February. The possibility of yet another failure.

Appointments made

Yesterday at 11am I called Dr. N's office again. When C answered, I said "Look, I don't want to be a pest..." she apologized that it was taking so long, told me that Dr. N had looked at my file and put it on C's chair, but had not left instructions about what to do. ARGH. She promised me a call back by the end of the day.

On which she followed through. I have an appointment for Monday afternoon. Now that it's set up, I'm really scared about what she will tell us....

I then called Dr. Z's office. When we were given the referral, Dr. Z's nurse told me that when we had an appointment set up with Dr. N, to call and make an appointment to see Dr. Z and that it could even be on the same day. When I called to talk to Dr. Z's AA, she told me that he's in Asia for another week. *sigh* So I have an appointment with him on the tenth.

What that means in the immediacy is that, regardless of what we are told on Monday, it is unlikely we will be cycling until January. I anticipate CD1 to fall on or around the sixth. (Which I'm hoping is contributing to my dark mood... Yay PMS.) If we have to do a fresh cycle, we will probably be too far into the cycle to start BCP when we see Dr. Z. Since I don't know how the timing works for a frozen cycle, I don't know if we will be within an appropriate amount of time to do that, but I'm feeling it is very unlikely that they are going to tell us we are "all set" and can just keep going like we've been going.

I probably should feel positive about the fact that Dr. Z ordered this testing after my first m/c, instead of waiting to see if it was going to end up being an ongoing problem. But I'm having a hard time feeling positive about anything lately.