Coming out to the 'rents

I've told my parents very little about what has been going on with us around our infertility and treatments. There are a lot of reasons for that... one being that, for some reason, I've always been kind of private and guarded about what I tell my parents. Maybe because they are such TALKERS. Everything was always a discussion. And my dad just is not always very tactful. And my mom has an un-treated anxiety disorder, so that is just stressful. We live halfway across the country from each other, too, so it is a lot of effort to deal with their questions and concerns during our once a week phone calls...

I realized this weekend that I hadn't spoken to them on the phone for a while, so I gave them a call. We got to talking and it eventually led to talking about insurance, which led to talking about my treatments. I realized just how little I've told them about the last three years. So I did some sharing.

I explained our diagnosis and what we have to go through with each cycle. I explained to them that we were in one of the few states where our treatments are covered, and just how much it would cost if it didn't. I didn't tell them about my miscarriages or my current 'status'. But... they may know about at least the former. They said they had heard some stuff from various family members- my aunt (who's daughter I told everything because she will shortly begin IVF treatments) and my sister, who knows quite a bit more than they do, though not as much, for example, as KB. That last part irritated me. When I did share with my sister, I told her "I haven't told mom and dad most of this so don't mention it to them." She said "Oh, I understand, and I wouldn't; it's not my place." So much for that! When I told III, he said "Are you really surprised by that?" But anyway. I digress.

I told them, "I haven't meant to leave you out of things or keep things from you. It's just hard- we just don't always want to talk about it. The more you share with people, the more they feel entitled to know- not you, just in general. If we lived closer, maybe it would be different, but we're just trying to protect ourselves the best we can. And you guys worry!" Dad interjects- "We don't worry!" "Mom worries!"

They said it was okay, and they understood. I also told them "Sister tells everyone the minute she's pregnant. I'm not mad, but she's lucky and doesn't realize she's just lucky. She told me 'We told our friends because they'd all be supportive if something happened.' It's not about being supportive. It's about having to talk about it with all of those people whether you want to or not."

So. Now they have more of an idea (directly from the source, at least) about what we're dealing with. I don't know why it's so uncomfortable for me to share it with them. A big part of it is definitely that I don't to have them obsessing over it all from far away when there's nothing they can do to help. Maybe I should be letting them make that decision, but... like I said to them. At this point, it's mostly about self preservation...

No backup...

Just got the letter telling me that none of our three remaining embryos made it to freeze. Fuck. I was naively hoping ALL of them would, so that our next cycle could be a frozen transfer with four potential embryos. :(

As you can probably tell, I'm not feeling optimistic about this cycle for some reason. Maybe it's the hormones getting me down. Maybe it's all of our history. Maybe it's a sign... (Though experience has never shown my 'feelings' to be especially accurate...)

Six days to beta.

Happy f-ing birthday.

(First of all, can we please discuss how I typed half of this post out and then my computer froze and I lost it all. Fuck. Second of all, I'm in a mood, so expect at least a moderate amount of swearing in this post...)

My transfer was in the morning. Of 12 embryos we had, 6 were normal! Awesome. The doctor who did my transfer was one I had never heard of- doing his turn on the weekend shift I guess. We didn't like him. This conversation sealed that impression:

Dr: So we're transferring... three...?
Us: Yes.
Dr: *pause* So you're not worried about triplets?
Me: Well, considering this is our fourth IVF cycle, Dr. Z agreed that transferring three was not unreasonable.
Dr: Okay then.
III: (After Dr. has walked away) Clearly, you have children.

Triplets would not be ideal. We are well aware of the risks of multiples. But considering our history, we are at the point where we will do what we have to in order to end up with a baby.

Transfer went well, yada yada. I walked away PUPO, though I'm trying not to think about that. One step at a time and all that shit. We will be away on the 27th, which is the day they want me to do my beta. The OR nurse said if I call my nurse on Tuesday (she's out Mondays) she should be able to help me arrange a blood test in the state where we will be.

As it was my 35th bday, KB felt we needed to do something special to celebrate. So she and I planned a night out at a chic new bowling alley/restaurant/bar near my house.

A college friend and her husband joined us. III and her husband get along very well, so in addition to being really happy to spend time with her, I like that III enjoys his time with her husband. They started trying to have a baby around the time of my first miscarriage. She had commented to me the last time we saw them (early summer) how it was frustrated to be trying to do something and failing at it.

We all sat down to dinner, and Friend, who is an avid wine drinker and enjoys a beer every now and again, was drinking water.

While we were in the bathroom, KB asked me "Is Friend pregnant?" I told her I didn't know, but probably- that I knew they had been trying and the water was a pretty obvious sign.

We moved on to bowling, and throughout the whole first game I found myself "checking out" Friend. Are her boobs bigger? Her belly? Is she wearing pregnancy jeans? (It seemed like no to me for all of them....)

I didn't have to wait all that long for an answer. Between the first and second games, Friend and her husband approached me, arms around each other, faces excited. "Can we tell you our news?" As if I didn't know. "We're having a baby! Finally!"

Finally.

She's due in May. KB told me while Friend was taking her turn with the pins "I asked you in the bathroom because I thought maybe she had told you ahead of time." I told her "I wish she had."

As I told III on our way home, it's not that I'm mad at Friend or think that she "should" have done it differently. She knows what we've been going through and she knows about at least the first miscarriage. But I also recognize that the newly expecting (especially in the second trimester where they have been assured that everything is progressing as it should) are starry eyed and in a bubble. They are excited to share their news with those whom they love, and a can only imagine that those people will be as thrilled as they are.

But... shit. That was it for me. I think I did a good job of faking my fun and enthusiasm through the second game of bowling. But I was counting the frames as they slowly crawled by. Friend unintentionally dragging it out, as she would wait to take her turn until her preferred ball was available.

Happy 35th birthday. Fuck.

ER day

Retrieval went okay today.

III had a bit of a tantrum this morning at the clinic. He forgot that he had to give a 'sample'. He thought it was the next visit. Really? You have a medical background- how did you think they were going to inseminate my eggs in five days AFTER all the testing? That is being done because of an inversion that YOU have? He was all irritated and kind of obnoxious to me- I'm guessing he *ahem* took some time to himself this morning. Ugh. Men. I was pissed that he was acting all annoyed with me- why do I have to be the expert in all of this??? This is our FOURTH egg retrieval! I'm the one who has to rearrange my whole schedule for the week because I'm out of commission today! Get your act together, Man! And if you don't, don't take it out on me.

I'm guessing all went well, because when he returned from taking care of business he was much calmer. Maybe he was worried he wouldn't be able to pull it off twice in a row. Whatever. I'm not feeling very sympathetic to tell you the truth.

So they got 13 eggs. I'm a little disappointed- in the past they've been able to get up to twenty. I know Dr. Z scaled back the meds so that I wouldn't have such a high estrogen level, but considering only 6 out of the 20 last time were normal, it makes me a little nervous. Don't get me wrong- I'm well aware that I am LUCKY to produce so many eggs. But it's pretty much the only thing we've been lucky in.

Did I mention my insurance company still hasn't reimbursed us the $5000 for PGD from our cycle 9 months ago? That's a whole other story. I have to call them again tomorrow, not only to check on that, but to tell them that it's all starting again!

Sorry this is such a cranky post. I'm feeling crampy and crappy and tomorrow is going to be a crazy busy day in which I'm sure I'll feel like I want to be in bed. Hopefully it will be made better by a good insemination report... please, please, please..... :(

Bittersweet birthday

My birthday is one week from today.

I'm not a huge birthday person. I'm not one of those people who goes around telling people that my birthday is coming up or throws myself parties...

But I like that one's birthday is "your day". A day just to celebrate yourself. So I like when my parents call me to wish me a happy one or my husband brings me a gift.

This year, though... this year I definitely have some mixed feelings about my birthday.

First of all... it's my 35th. How the hell did that happen??? I'm THIRTY FIVE YEARS OLD. Not only is that halfway through my thirties (wasn't just in DC celebrating my thirtieth with my girlfriends???) but, as all of us in this ttc/IF hell know, I am now of ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE. Awesome. If I finally do get pregnant, I will be, by medical standards, an old mom.

Oh, and that whole getting pregnant thing? Brings me to another interesting point about my 2010 birthday...

It looks like my transfer will be that day. I was hoping my retrieval would be tomorrow, but they wanted me on stims for one more day. So my retrieval is Monday, and with the PGD they do a 5dt. If I have done my counting right, that puts my transfer on Saturday.

Could be a great birthday present, right? Or, depending on the outcome of our PGD, could be the worst one ever.

Adding to all of this.... the day after my birthday would have been my official (singleton) due date for my last pregnancy. Which means if my twin pregnancy had progressed as hoped, I would have already been a mom on this, my 35th birthday.

So... my feelings are definitely mixed. But to be honest, leaning more towards the negative not-looking-forward-to-it side. I feel old. I can't believe I'm still going through all of this ttc stuff. And I just don't have any room left for hope. Of course, I WANT this to work out-I want to think there is a chance- or I wouldn't still be trying. But "hope"? I just can't go there this time.

Plodding along...

Today is CD10. In past cycles, it is around now that I'd have my ER. However, with my last cycle, my E2 levels maxed at close to 7000, which is higher than my doc is comfortable with. So he scaled back my meds this cycle. Things are progressing, just slower than usual. I had thought I'd probably have my ER between Thurs and Sat, but today's u/s and bw (the third for this cycle) put me at only 1700 with 8 measurable follicles (I make tons of follicles. It is the one thing that has gone right every time...) so they dropped my brav.elle by 75 (one vial) for tonight and tomorrow and it's back to the clinic on Friday morning. So, if on Friday I'm "ripe", that would mean a Sunday retrieval. If we go into next week it's going to be a pain in the ass for scheduling, but I guess it is what it is. I'm just feeling impatient. I'm ready to get this show on the road. The upside is that the later things go, the better a beta will fit in with our trip. We'll most likely definitely be away on the desired beta day, but there will be fewer days between that and the day I actually have the beta.

I am almost done with my subbing job. The regular teacher plans to return next Wednesday. I am looking forward to being finished, sleeping in, and focusing back on some of the plans I had for this leave of absence.

Let's be honest. The sleeping in part is what I'm most excited for. ;)

Spreadsheet

Thanks for all of your comments. Taking it one step at a time is good advice. That this whole process is happening around xmas makes it a little harder...

I expect to get my period tomorrow. Based on my previous IVF cycles, I created a spreadsheet to see on what date different important dates would fall:

28-Nov	1
29-Nov	2
30-Nov	3
1-Dec	4
2-Dec	5
3-Dec	6
4-Dec	7
5-Dec	8
6-Dec	9
7-Dec	10
8-Dec	11
9-Dec	12	trigger
10-Dec	13
11-Dec	14	retrieval
12-Dec	15
13-Dec	16
14-Dec	17
15-Dec	18
16-Dec	19	transfer
17-Dec	20
18-Dec	21
19-Dec	22
20-Dec	23
21-Dec	24
22-Dec	25
23-Dec	26
24-Dec	27
25-Dec	28	beta

Yep, you read that right. Beta on xmas day. Which, since we'll be away the 23rd through the 30th, obviously isn't going to happen.

SO... I expect to be stressed out that week. But I'm trying not to think about it too much. We still have a lot to get through before we can worry about the beta.

Besides. It's not like my previous beta numbers were ever all that helpful. They tell you that is what you should look at in terms of the chances of the pregnancy being successful, but I've obviously been the exception to the rule through all of this.

Not that I'm counting my chickens- I still have to GET pregnant before I worry about a beta. And if I get my period over Christmas break, that's a pretty definite answer...

But first... on to the stims.

Afraid

I am in the beginning of my next IVF cycle.

I'm day 3 into the lupron, and am supposed to finish my bcp on Thanksgiving. That will probably bring my period around the 29th which eventually leads to a beta just before Christmas.

The time feels like it's dragging.

Because, for the first time, I'm really afraid of getting pregnant.

Obviously, I want to have a baby. Otherwise WHY would we put ourselves through this?

But I'm terrified that we will get pregnant only to have another miscarriage.

I'm having a hard time seeing past 8 weeks.

And even if we make it past 8 weeks, what about week 9? And 10? And up to week 12?

And then what about second trimester? Plenty can go wrong there...

Or pre-term labor?

Or even worse....

How can I deal with another loss? Especially if that loss is later.

I know I shouldn't think like this. But I am so afraid. I don't think we could handle it.

But how can we handle 40 weeks of worry?

(Finally) moving forward again.

Today was "one of those days." Things just pissed me off and didn't go as planned.

Until we met with Dr. Z. (Though, as usual, he was running about half an hour late.) He gave us the ok to jump back into things. We thought the insurance was going to require us to use our one frozen embryo, BUT it turns out they only require use of the frozen before a new fresh cycle if you have two or more!!! My period is due any day now, but I also am heading out of town from Wed-Sun for a family wedding. They need 3 day bloodwork updated for me... so keep your fingers crossed that I either get my period tomorrow or not until at least Friday. Saturday would be even better! If I get it on Wednesday, we'll have to wait another whole month. Thursday would be workable, but not convenient... so lets all hope for Saturday.

If I get my wish, that would mean a transfer around December 9, which would mean a December 14ish transfer which would lead to a December 23 beta.

If the cycle doesn't go well, it could be a very, very bad week that week in December. It is my birthday and also would have been my due date from my last pregnancy. :-/

One step at a time, I guess. One step at a time....

Oh, the money!

The whole situation around this insurance stuff, I am mostly mad at myself. I am a super researcher- whenever I'm buying anything over $100, I go online to determine my best options. I can't believe I was so stupid as to not look into this further.

I cried and cried about it yesterday, but also felt a little guilty. I know so many infertile couples are much worse of than we are. a) We have had insurance for the last two years. b) We actually do have money in savings to pay for a fresh cycle if we needed to. But... it kills me. I'll have to have another post later this week on my relationship with money, because I know that's a big part of it.

So now I am trying to figure things out. It turns out, as some of you suggested, I can go back on my insurance from my job. I can even do it without CO.BRA since I am technically still employed by my school. I spoke to someone today to see how to do it, and it would cost just over $7000 for the year.

Now, if we do that, we will have to first do a frozen transfer with my one lone embryo... so we have to decide if that's what we want. But, researcher that I am, I wanted to see just how much money we are talking about.

I went through my old papers and made a few calls.... The breakdown from our last cycle:

Meds: $5445
IVF: $8300
ICSI: $2500
PGD: $5200
TOTAL: $22,945

We did have to pay $95 of the meds and $225 of the PGD, but STILL. That's a lot of fucking money. In fact, that was probably my take home from my salary my first year of teaching! Considering our savings, III told me yesterday "If someone told me I had to pay ten grand to have a baby three or four months sooner, at this point I'd totally do it." But, crunching the numbers, it's 20 grand and he might have also been saying that to make me feel better since I was laying on the bed crying into my pillow....

With six complete failures of cycles and two losses, we're impatient. Both of us hate the idea of having to try an FET with only one embryo because of the high chance of failure. But... ugh. I repeat: That's a lot of fucking money.

I need to update...

...and I will... but not tonight.

I do have a question though... not sure if anyone knows the answer. My googling has been in vain.

When dealing with infertility coverage (which I know many people have NONE of) is it better to have a PPO or an HMO? I officially took a leave from work, which means I need to change to III's insurance. He has a PPO, but we have the choice between the two. If you are NOT in a state that mandates infertility coverage (boooooo that we're moving from one that DOES to one that DOESN'T), is one more likely to cover some of the expenses than the other?

Any info anyone has would be super helpful!!!!

How selfish is too selfish?

When you are dealing with infertility, especially over a long period of time, there comes a point when you realize you have to be selfish. You need to avoid baby showers and people who just 'don't get it.' You need to nurture yourself and do whatever you need to do to stay sane.

But where is the line?

We're visiting my family right now. Different members of my family know different levels of what is going on with us. My cousin probably knows the most. My parents, the least. (Well, some of my cousins know even less, but they don't really care one way or another, so I've left them out of my scale.)

I've talked a bit before about why I've kept so much from my parents. My mom has major anxiety issues. Far worse than mine, and she's never been treated for them, therapeutically or medicinally. My dad.... well, he's a New Yorker in many senses of all that those words imply. He doesn't mean to, but he just can be really abrasive and say the wrong thing. For example, when I first told them that we were having trouble and were seeing a doctor, he followed up by asking me that if we had a boy whether we were going to have a bris.* Hmm. Gee, dad. Not really in my top ten concerns right now.

I've always been kind of closed mouthed with my parents about everything for those reasons as well as others. At this point, they know we are having fertility treatments. My mom recently asked "Did they do the thing yet where they take the eggs out?" Yes, mother. They did the thing.

Another annoyance- even when I tell them, they forget. Seriously? How can you forget I told you about the thing with the eggs? It's kind of a big deal? But yesterday, I was talking to my mom's sister about it, because her daughter is a cancer survivor and going to have to have IVF because of some complications that went along with her treatments. My mom comes running up and says "wait wait wait! I didn't get to hear any of that!" I told her- "Mom, you already know." She said "No I don't! I didn't know you were doing IVF!" I said "Yes, you asked me directly. Remember? The thing with the eggs?"

So anyway. They don't know about my miscarriages. I just honestly feel like I can't deal with all of their questions and worry. I told my cousin (the one who is going to have IVF) "I'll tell you about everything we have gone through, but I haven't told my mom everything... because... well, you know." and she kind of made a face and said "Oh, I know." So It's not just in my head.

Anyway... back to my title... I know that it bothers my parents that I keep stuff from them. I know they wish they knew more. I even know that they know that part of the reason I do it is because of how they have handled situations in the past. But I feel bad that they feel out of the loop. It's hard, because initially I was telling myself I was leaving them out of the loop for my mom- because I felt like she'd get so upset. But now I have to admit that I'm keeping certain parts from them for myself- because I feel like mom would get so upset but I don't want to deal with that.

I don't like being selfish. But right now, to be honest, I want to be.

*I was raised Jewish, III was raised Catholic. What exactly we plan to do with our children is still 100% up in the air, and both of our parents have been informed of that.

Unexpected...

One of the embryos is still plugging away.

While it is still measuring a week behind, it made the appropriate amount of growth since Monday. (6w0d to 6w4d). The heartbeat is still lower than they would like- 82 vs 100- but my doctor was more encouraged by the growth than discouraged by the heartrate.

I'll update more later- there are some interesting details about why this all is happening. But I go back next Thursday for another ultrasound to see whether this little guy continues to progress, or whether he joins his twin...

Post op

Do I still call it a WTF appt if the IVF appears to have been successful?

Anyway.

Dr. Z is a really good guy. I walked in and he didn't say "Are you excited?" or even "Congratulations!" He said "Are you feeling cautiously optimistic?" Granted, he's been doing this for a long time with a lot of women, but he is a man and he is a doctor, and lets face it- they can be clueless. But he's not. He followed that up by telling me that I should feel a little more reassured knowing that we transferred 3 good quality (3BB, 3BB and 5AA) blasts that appeared to be chromosomally normal. He said you can get much more reassurance than that.

The one thing I wanted to know was about the testing. The doctor who did the transfer seemed a little confused about what they tested for, so I asked. Dr. Z cleared it up and told me they tested 24 chromosomes- all 22 pairs and the for an x and a y chromosome. I then asked if he knew, of the 14 abnormal embryos, why they were abnormal. So he went into my file... some of them were "complex abnormalities" which means something more than just our #2... this is the type of thing that can happen with any couple's embryos. But we had 5 that were solely affected on chromosome #2. So that's about 25%. I called III to let him know as well, because he seemed so bummed about the 14/20 being abnormal, and when I explained that there were 5 he said "Because of me?" :( I don't want him to feel responsible. It's not his fault. There are a lot of GOOD things about his genes that I want for my babies!!! This one negative thing has hopefully now been taken care of with the PGD.

I saw KB today before my appt. She is 37 weeks pregnant and looks it! It is still hard knowing I would have been right there with her... I would have been due in eleven days. She is upset that the doctors say she has at least a week to go before they'll even consider inducing and that her due date is three weeks away... as I've said before, I'm having a hard time feeling too sorry for her... She loved the blanket I knitted for her baby, though, and I even got to spend a little time with Miss M, which always makes me happy. :)

First ultrasound appointment set.

I made my appt for my first u/s. I wanted to make sure it was closer to 7w than 6w because of what happened the last time. So my appointment is o 5/3, and if my calculations are right I will be 7w1d. So hopefully, we will definitely see a heartbeat... and if not, it will be pretty definite about what's going on. She said my second u/s will be 7-10 days after that. That puts me at a minimum of 8w1d. That also makes me happy, because 8w will be the date I'm very nervous about and I'm happy I will have my post-8w u/s at my clinic and not with crappy u/s doctor.

The woman who makes the appointment (who knows me now since I've talked to her so many times over the last two years) suggested I call my ob to make my first appointment after that 7-10 days. With my last pregnancy, when I called it was hard to find a day because most people call so much earlier. But... I'm afraid to schedule the appointment yet. I feel like it's tempting fate. I know that's crap- I don't even believe in that stuff. But I'm scared.... *sigh*

Symptom watch- my boobs are definitely sore and bit bigger... that's all I've got so far. I should mention that my bloating and other ivf symptoms were so much less this time compared to my previous ivfs. I think it's because I was doing weekly acupuncture the whole time, so I highly recommend it!!!!

The results are in....

409!!!

I go back on Thursday for a follow up beta...

..and waiting some more...

So I took another HPT yesterday, and it was darker than the first... but I'm still having some spotting. My beta is tomorrow at 7am, and they usually call by 10 or 11. Now I know it will be positive, the question is what the number will be. I'm shooting for at least a 150. Regardless, I'll have to go back for the second beta on Wednesday, and that's the number that counts...

Thanks for all your comments and supports. I appreciate everyone pulling for me!!

waiting...

So it's hard to get excited by yesterday's two lines when I've now seen them several times before. It's been twelve days since my trigger, so that should be out of my system, right? I'll probably test again tomorrow to see how it looks...

When I talked to the nurse about the meds I can take and whether I can have an xray, she told me that if I'm in a lot of pain they can bump up my beta to Sunday. I didn't, though. If it's really low I'll just be nervous, so I might as well wait until Monday. She also asked if I had any cramping- I guess thinking how a fall can affect a potential pregnancy, but I haven't. I had a little bit of spotting this morning, but I'm reminding myself that it can be totally normal. Especially since I'm shoving progesterone tablets up there three times a day.

I'm home today with my messed up tailbone, laying on an ice pack and watching my DVR. Hopefully resting all weekend will help my ass to heal quickly, and that the days will go quickly until Monday...

Shhhh....

No one knows but you and me... and none of us are allowed to be excited because we all know better....

Fat girl pants.

Thanks for all of your support yesterday.

III and I sat down and talked last night. He gets really nervous about those conversations- he told me "I actually made a list of points to touch on, but I was scared to bring it up because I was afraid you'd cry."

Of course I cried. I can't help it! I'm a crier.

III talked to his supervisor and it turns out they have some procedures they can follow if he needs to go be with his parents. They just don't "advertise" it so that people don't take advantage of it.

There was lots and lots of talking about the best option.... and we decided there just isn't one. So we're going to do the best we can. Right now, we're probably going to stick with the plan that we will eventually move to City C. It's not ideal to me, but staying here isn't ideal to him (in fact, he hates the idea of it) so City C is our compromise.

We still haven't heard whether FIL is on the list, so we're going to wait to find out about that before we take any steps on any decision.

In other news, I'm wearing super stretchy pants today. We are having a bout of warm weather, so I have my gaucho pants on. They're my "fat girl" pants. Comfy, but work appropriate.

I really hope I'm pregnant - then the fat girl pants are worth it.

I have one HPT at home, and my plans for it are Sunday night since, as usual, I don't like being 'surprised' with a negative beta. But I'm starting to be tempted to try one earlier. I'm trying to hold out. Thursday would be the equivalent of 10dpo. Can I wait for an additional three days???