All about me?

Since early to mid 2nd trimester, I've been participating on an online pregnancy message board that is organized by birth month. There are good things and bad things about those online communities, but in this case I've actually made a few good connections with other women- one who is currently a neighbor of mine, who I have hung out with a few times. Two others live in the city where we will be moving! It's nice to have made some connections there with women who will have babies (both boys as well!) the same age as mine.

One of the women is in the hospital with her little one now... long story short, they learned during the second trimester that their baby had some birth defects. At the time, there was some concern that they would be severe enough that the pregnancy would not be successful- there was even talk of terminating. As she progressed into 3rd trimester, the doctors began to feel that, even though he would need surgery and extra attention when he was born, her baby had a good chance at coming out of everything fine.

For various reasons, they induced her this weekend. (at around 37w.) It was not a very successful induction, and they ended up having to do a c/s- her baby was born and it was discovered that he has some additional concerning issues. I don't know the specifics, because all of these updates have come from a few other women on the message board who are in touch with her by text. There has been no news since this morning.

I'm having a hard time thinking about anything but her and her baby. I know that I tend to be almost overly empathetic- I get wrapped up in the stories of people I don't even know. In this case, I've gotten to know her a bit through the internet, but have never met her. In some ways, it feels kind of crazy how concerned I am for her and her little boy.

Though, if I'm being totally honest (and what is an anonymous blog for if not to be totally honest) there is a part of me that is concerned for me in this situation. (Ugh. It makes me cringe to even type that. Like it's all about me!!!) I really like everything I've learned about this woman, and we have quite a lot in common. It's been one of the few things I've been looking forward to with our move- getting to meet her and anticipating spending time together. If something terrible happens with her son, I know that won't happen. I couldn't blame her- how could she watch my son grow and thrive when hers didn't. That would be hard to do with someone with whom you had an established friendship, not to mention someone from the internet who you've never met. So there is a part of me that is worried about what this means to our potential friendship.

I know that even without that I'd be feeling very concerned for her. I know because it's been true with other women on the message board, and even blogs I've read for the first time only after reading about it on LFCA. But it makes me feel kind of ashamed that I even am bringing my petty concerns into the situation, even in my own head.

Send out some thoughts and prayers for my message board friend and her little boy, please! I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine and find great friends in my new city. But no one should have to go through this with their sweet baby, and I really am wishing for a quick and full recovery for her son.

The hormones probably aren't helping...

Let me begin by saying that I'm sure I'd be less irritated if I wasn't teeming with pregnancy hormones. I totally get it.

So anyway.

When I decided to take this year off, my best friend was thrilled. She's staying home with her kids and was psyched that we'd get to see each other all of the time.

Of course, it didn't turn out that way.

I definitely see her more than I used to, but considering neither of us are working, it should be easy to plan time together- especially since I usually don't mind driving out to hang out with her and the kids at her house. After all, I just have me to get there.

The problem? She's a planner. BIG TIME. She literally has had every weekend this summer planned out since at least a month ago. Again, she has no weekends free to plan anything together. (Though one of those weekends is booked to have a shower for me- but it was one of only two weekends she had available the whole summer.)

A conversation will go like this:
BF: We should hang out this week!
Me: Yes, we should. My schedule is pretty open...
BF: Well, I have baby playgroup on Monday morning, and plans with J on Tuesday morning. Then I'm having lunch with A on Tuesday and we're taking the kids to the park. On Wednesday, my husband is going to work from home while I go to {this activity} with {whoever}. Then Friday we're leaving around 11am to go to the beach house for the whole weekend. So how about Thursday?
Me: I have to work Thursday. (Note- one of two days that I'm working the whole week)
BF: Ugh. Your work schedule is such a pain! It totally gets in the way of us hanging out!

Could that last comment kind of be tongue in cheek? Absolutely. Except she says it nearly every single time.

She really wants to meet my friend, Sra. I really want them to meet- they have a ton in common, plus they are planning my shower together. In May, I offered to have them over for a Saturday or Sunday, lunch or dinner, with kids. My BF had one day that worked for her. The one weekend that Sra was out of town. Then summer started, and like I said, she has every weekend scheduled already. Guess they'll meet at my shower....

The thing that has me going today... she wanted us to do a double date with our husbands- it's been close to a year since we have. Again, she had three days that worked- a Tuesday, a Thursday and a Friday. III generally is pretty wiped on work nights, but he said he could do this Friday, despite that fact that he's been 8 hrs away at training all week and will be driving back early in the morning.

I am working 10-5 that day. So I suggested we make reservations for 7:30pm. BF just called to tell me that's too late- they don't like to leave their babysitter longer than 9pm, plus she'd like to be in bed by 9:30.

*sigh* I know that you have to schedule your social life around your kids. I completely understand that in a very short time, that will be our world. But then don't make it seem like I'm the one who is making it difficult to get together. I was free every day this week.

She is my biggest support and I love her to death. But I'm tired and pregnant and cranky, and I'm not really interested in having to be the one who bends over backwards to try to make time together right now. And I resent that it makes me feel like I'm being antisocial and difficult.

/rant

Gossip has outed me...

So, one of the benefits of not being at school is that I can keep this pregnancy under wraps a bit. I have told 2 friends from school- one who had been through tons of infertility stuff, and another who's sister has been through it and who has recently had some trouble herself.

Today, I got an email from another coworker congratulating me. She said she heard it from this totally random coworker in the copy room. WTF???? My friend T (the first mentioned above) is very close with a former secretary at our school, who is a HUGE gossiper. T told me the last time I saw her that this woman wanted her to let me know that she's "always praying" for me. I'm guessing T told her, and then she has let the news leak. Either that our someone overheard my second friend talking about it, though I don't know to whom she would have been talking.

Fuck. I mean, we were going to start telling people soon anyway, but we haven't even told our families!!!! *sigh* I'm annoyed. I'll have to talk to III today about revealing to our families. They live far away, but with fb now everyone is close by. I'd hate to have them find out by accident from someone else. *sigh*

I just wasn't ready yet. I'm not even feeling like this is real, and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to have to give my parents bad news if this doesn't work out. I feel like having other people know makes me even more anxious- I don't know why. I know it doesn't have any bearing on whether or not this baby stays with us. But I feel like now that the world knows, somehow things are more dangerous.

I'm irritated with myself I guess too. I haven't been "careful" enough. It's not that hard to find this blog. I also have posted a handful of posts on a pregnancy board- mostly because I've been so anxious and wanted reassurance. One is a board for people who are pregnant after having losses. I used my standard handle, and an acquaintance from college contacted me because she saw my posts there- she's 11w after having had 2 m/c. I told myself that the only people who would be reading the board would be others in my place (which is what I've told myself about this blog), but clearly if I didn't want others to know I should have kept my mouth (or I guess my keyboard) shut.

Annoyed. I guess that's what I get for being too much of a 'sharer'. :(

Happy f-ing birthday.

(First of all, can we please discuss how I typed half of this post out and then my computer froze and I lost it all. Fuck. Second of all, I'm in a mood, so expect at least a moderate amount of swearing in this post...)

My transfer was in the morning. Of 12 embryos we had, 6 were normal! Awesome. The doctor who did my transfer was one I had never heard of- doing his turn on the weekend shift I guess. We didn't like him. This conversation sealed that impression:

Dr: So we're transferring... three...?
Us: Yes.
Dr: *pause* So you're not worried about triplets?
Me: Well, considering this is our fourth IVF cycle, Dr. Z agreed that transferring three was not unreasonable.
Dr: Okay then.
III: (After Dr. has walked away) Clearly, you have children.

Triplets would not be ideal. We are well aware of the risks of multiples. But considering our history, we are at the point where we will do what we have to in order to end up with a baby.

Transfer went well, yada yada. I walked away PUPO, though I'm trying not to think about that. One step at a time and all that shit. We will be away on the 27th, which is the day they want me to do my beta. The OR nurse said if I call my nurse on Tuesday (she's out Mondays) she should be able to help me arrange a blood test in the state where we will be.

As it was my 35th bday, KB felt we needed to do something special to celebrate. So she and I planned a night out at a chic new bowling alley/restaurant/bar near my house.

A college friend and her husband joined us. III and her husband get along very well, so in addition to being really happy to spend time with her, I like that III enjoys his time with her husband. They started trying to have a baby around the time of my first miscarriage. She had commented to me the last time we saw them (early summer) how it was frustrated to be trying to do something and failing at it.

We all sat down to dinner, and Friend, who is an avid wine drinker and enjoys a beer every now and again, was drinking water.

While we were in the bathroom, KB asked me "Is Friend pregnant?" I told her I didn't know, but probably- that I knew they had been trying and the water was a pretty obvious sign.

We moved on to bowling, and throughout the whole first game I found myself "checking out" Friend. Are her boobs bigger? Her belly? Is she wearing pregnancy jeans? (It seemed like no to me for all of them....)

I didn't have to wait all that long for an answer. Between the first and second games, Friend and her husband approached me, arms around each other, faces excited. "Can we tell you our news?" As if I didn't know. "We're having a baby! Finally!"

Finally.

She's due in May. KB told me while Friend was taking her turn with the pins "I asked you in the bathroom because I thought maybe she had told you ahead of time." I told her "I wish she had."

As I told III on our way home, it's not that I'm mad at Friend or think that she "should" have done it differently. She knows what we've been going through and she knows about at least the first miscarriage. But I also recognize that the newly expecting (especially in the second trimester where they have been assured that everything is progressing as it should) are starry eyed and in a bubble. They are excited to share their news with those whom they love, and a can only imagine that those people will be as thrilled as they are.

But... shit. That was it for me. I think I did a good job of faking my fun and enthusiasm through the second game of bowling. But I was counting the frames as they slowly crawled by. Friend unintentionally dragging it out, as she would wait to take her turn until her preferred ball was available.

Happy 35th birthday. Fuck.

Bothered.

I'm feeling very bothered this week that we don't have a baby.

Bothered seems to be the best word for it right now.

I don't know why now any more than usual.

Maybe it's because my sister told me she's pregnant with her second. After trying for one month. And she told us and my parents and her in laws when she was a whopping 4 weeks. It bothers me that she gets to be so naive about it.

Maybe it's because, now that she has two, KB is finding it harder to be social. She really wants to see me, but it has to be around nap times and pre-school and sleepless nights with an infant. I don't resent it, but I do feel guilty because I don't always feel like driving to her or scheduling around her kids. (As much as I love them. We went for ice cream the other day, and Miss M climbed into my lap and my heart almost burst with love. Maybe that's part of it too.)

Maybe it's my internal struggle around T's loss of her husband. It's terrible and I hurt so much for her, because I can't imagine losing III. But there is also a voice in my head that says "At least they got to be parents together." And that makes me feel guilty.

Maybe it's that our anniversary is on Thursday. Four years married, three years trying and over two years of ART. Still no baby. Last year around this time I posted "Here's hoping that by our next anniversary, we will be looking forward to an impending birth- or possibly even celebrating a recent one." But we're not. Here we are, in the same place we were then.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the voice echoing in my head: "It's not fair."

Lonely tonight.

As I mentioned this weekend, III is away for work.

There are days when I'm so tired of living with someone else. Times when I get sick of putting up with his schedule and his moods.

But I'm lonely without him.

T's husband, B, died yesterday.

The combination of those things remind me that the annoying stuff and the crappy days are worth it for the good days and the love I feel for and receive from III.

My loneliness is alleviated somewhat by my dogs. I LOVE my pups. I mentioned to III last week that I am not sure how I would have made it through the last two years of infertility stuff without them. Their unconditional love combined with my ability to... well, baby them... I feel like I would feel so empty without that.

So I guess tonight I am reminded of the things in my life I have to feel grateful for.

(Would it ruin the sentiment to say I'm also grateful for Glee tonight? Keeping me entertained? And for sauvignon blanc? Because... it's yummy. And for spellcheck in blogger, because otherwise I would have misspelled "alleviate"? And for peanut butter cookies sent to me as a surprise by my old roommate, even though they aren't on my "diet" (Thanks, K!!!!)? I hope not... because I am...)

Vulnerability

When III and I were just barely engaged, we were on our way to the grocery store when I had a meltdown. I can't remember the specifics, but I do remember telling him "I just feel really vulnerable." He told me "Of course you are. So am I. That's what happens when you love someone."

It's one of things I don't like about being married. I feel vulnerable in so many ways. This insurance situation has brought that feeling to the forefront again. I had to rely on III to figure out some of this insurance stuff, which puts it out of my control. If we spend savings on our IVF, it makes me feel indebted to him, since it's because of his family that we have the money.

Another aspect of my vulnerability in being part of a couple has shown its face today. While III is away on a tactical assignment for his law enforcement work, which leaves me anxious for his safety, a friend of mine who lives far away is losing her husband to cancer. My heart is breaking into pieces for her and her children, but I can't ignore the pain that is brought out by my own fear of "that could happen to me!"

The mail came a good ten hours after III left today. In it, was an envelope addressed to me in III's handwriting. It was a card which on the outside said "love" and the inside said "I was born to love you."

And that's why we agree to be vulnerable and accept the chances of the pain that comes from tragedies like my friend's.

So hold your loved ones a little closer today, and please send a prayer out there for my friend, T, her husband, B and their two sweet babies.

Out of sorts.

I'm out of sorts this morning. I just missed my workout with my trainer, because I thought it was at 10 and it was at 9:30. Grr.

I have really enjoyed working out with this trainer, and I have felt friendly towards her. I even knitted her a baby sweater as a thank you when we thought we'd be leaving in August. I invited her and her husband over tonight for a bbq with some of our other friends. She initially said "yes" but canceled last night because she said she has to work.

For some reason I wasn't surprised...

One of my worries about moving is making new friends. I am someone who doesn't have any trouble meeting new people. I'm very social and pretty outgoing... but when it comes to hitting that friend level, it is a little harder. I don't know if I have a different definition of "friend" than some- maybe some people who I feel are just acquaintances see me as a friend?

I worry that maybe I am trying to hard. I will meet someone who I would like to befriend, but when I reach out... they are always nice and usually seem interested in going out for coffee, or joining us for dinner- but then when it comes down to it, they don't follow through. It makes me feel like they are just being nice to my face, but aren't really interested, and that in turn makes me feel pathetic.

It is kind of pathetic, isn't it? It sounds like I'm thirteen years old! But I really only have a handful of close friends at home, and they are people who I have "collected" over the years- some relationships took years to develop into what we have. And when we move, I will be leaving them all and starting over. Yes, we will still be friends. We'll still keep in touch and talk on the phone and thank goodness for the internet! But how long will it take me to build new friendships that are local? And how hard to I have to try? And how much rejection (or even apathy and lack of reciprocation) can I take?

Stuck in the middle...

I was in Ko.hls the other day, shopping for some clothes. (We sent two boxes of stuff home before we knew we'd be staying, and I'm very short on t-shirts.) As went looking for a slim fitting t-shirt that wasn't too tight or too short, I realized- I feel like I'm in this weird place where I'm too old for Juniors, but too young for Misses. (At least the Misses they sell at Ko.hls.)

In the car on the way home from visiting FIL, III and I were talking about how we feel that way about our life right now. III's cousin and her husband are still in that early marriage phase where they're are kind of "playing house" and exploring their neighborhood. His closest friends out here have kids. We're floating somewhere in the middle... We're settled in to our lives and ready for kids, but... we don't have any.

There's the 'expected' path you follow (especially out here where we grew up), and we're stalled between two stages.

Back home, we have 2 other couples with whom we are friendly who are in a similar boat. Luckily, we are able to see them fairly regularly. But this summer, being out here away from our usual group of friends it's felt really obvious. And really lonely.

One long ass update post.

So I haven't posted a real update in a while, and there has been lots going on at the same time there has been little going on. Does that even make sense?

I don't even know where to start, so excuse me if this is a little random and all over the place.

We have been staying out at the lake, but it hasn't been as relaxing as we thought it might be. We spent 2 days driving out there, and 2 day settling in, then it was the 4th of July and all of III's family descended on us. We had another day or two and then we headed out for a week to visit my family for a reunion and surprise anniversary party for my parents (planned long distance by me). We returned and had 9 days to ourselves, though III started his temporary work assignment and was settling in there. Then my parents came out to the lake, and my mom stayed for 9 days while my dad traveled around to different baseball stadiums. In the midst of all of this, III's family was out every weekend. While it has been nice to see them and spend time with them, it's hard for us to get time to relax. Plus, it winds our dogs up. III's family only has little, non shedding dogs, so they are a little overwhelmed by our big, loud, shedding, slobbery boxers. In part because of this, III's mom drove us crazy with her super OCD-ed-ness. She keeps bringing out old towels and covering the furniture with sheets (under the blankets we've already covered it with) and buying new "knock-around" comforters for the bedroom, like our dogs are going to tear apart the house or something.

Today I'm headed back home for the week because my myomectomy is on Thursday. I go in tomorrow for pre-op tests, can't eat all day on Wednesday, and then have surgery on Thursday. Sunday we fly back to the lake for one more week, and then we head home for a while. Our plan keeps changing, but we had gotten to a point where the thought was that we'd be out there for at least 2 and possibly 5 months... or possibly forever if a transfer occurred. This weekend III told me he thinks we should go home for now. His dad is doing okay on the IV and there's not much for III to do for him. When it gets to a point where he gets his transfer, we'll probably do this all over again.

While I'm happy to head home, it also is making my head spin because it was not originally the plan. I've been working out with a personal trainer for the past two weeks, and I really like her. (Side note- the first day I met her, she tells me "in the spirit of full disclosure I want to let you know that I'm 4 and a half months pregnant." Of course you are. Because this is my life. She is due 3 days after I would have been due with my last pregnancy. Luckily, as I said, I like her so I guess it's not really that big of deal anymore...) I'm disappointed to have to start over somewhere else, and to leave when I feel like she and I have made a connection. The little town we're staying in is also growing on me, and it is certainly nice for me and the dogs to be on the lake.

Also... I officially took leave from my job. So I'm kind of freaking out. Since we're going home, I guess a part of my head tells me that I did it for nothing... but that's not totally true, because III's dad could get a heart at any time and then we'll be heading back. Plus... well, anyone who has read my blog for the past year knows that last year was not a super happy one at work, so maybe I really do need to regroup and think about what I want to do. But, it's one thing to want that and another for it actually to happen. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now that I'm jobless for the year, plus I can't help worrying about the money, even though we have money in our savings. I also find myself in kind of an identity crisis... I am an eighth grade math teacher. That's what I DO and who I AM. And, damn it, I'm good at it! So what happens when I'm no longer part of an eighth grade classroom? Hm.

Something else that's been hard is KB. She has been my main support through a lot of this, but I'm finding talking to her more stressful than helpful lately. She is full on FREAKING OUT about my potential move, and I find I don't even want to tell her what is going on because I end up consoling her or wanting to hide stuff from her. I 100% understand where she's coming from, because I have the same anxiety about us living so far apart. But I also have the anxiety of where I'm going to work, where I'm going to live, making new friends, and hoping that my FIL doesn't die before he gets a new heart, and that the new heart works. Oh, and then there's the whole infertility thing too...

I hope to update about my myomectomy in the next few days. I can't find much about others' experiences to know what to expect, so I'll try to post mine for others in a similar situation to find.

I also apologize for not keeping up with your blogs. We're using an USB modem, which limits my online time. And... well, as many of you probably also find, when you're on an IF 'break' sometimes you fall off the IF blog wagon, both writing and reading.

Hope everyone is well. Be back soon!!!

We're here.

The trip was long but uneventful. Dogs did awesome. I was exhausted, but III did most of the driving, so I don't really have anything to complain about.

I'm not really happy to be here. The reality is hitting me that we're probably more or less here for good. And it's not really where I want to be.

And honestly? I have no desire to live near my in-laws. Or my family, to be perfectly frank. I wish we lived closer than we did. But not close. I know that is obnoxious. And selfish. But it's true. And yesterday it hit me- at home it's just me and III. And I like it. I worry how this will change our relationship. :(

But last night when we went to bed, I told III "I love you so much." and he replied, "I know you do. That's why we're here." So I know he appreciates it.

In other news-

I talked to my ex boyfriend on FB last night. It was interesting. He is definitely not in any way "the one who got away". But we were together for a long time, and so he's a big part of my history. It was nice to have a friendly chat with him and hear how he and his family are doing.

I had an orientation to volunteer at the local animal shelter yesterday. I'm glad to have something to do where I'll be meeting people and helping animals. I'm a little worried that I'm not going to meet "my kind of people", but that's a stupid worry to have right now so I just need to go with it.

I have scheduled my fibroid surgery for August 5. So I'll have to fly home for that week (pre op blood test and u/s are on the 3rd).

I miss KB like crazy already. Is it abnormal to be so attached to your BFF?

Exercise routine to start... soon? I could start today... but the holiday weekend... bah. Maybe I'll start next week.

Preparation

We are leaving in four days.

There is so much to do that I am having a hard time getting motivated to do it. Does that even make sense? It's the procrastinator in me I guess. Or it could be the constant state of panic that lives in my chest- because I'm not convinced we're coming back. This temporary relocation could very realistically turn into a permanent move. Ugh.

Along with the million of things to pack and appointments to cover, we have friends who want to see us. As much as I want to see our friends, I am not feeling like attending all of these social events, no matter how casual they are. I saw KB and her kids yesterday- it was a nice time to spend with them, but I really wanted to be home preparing and relaxing (if it's possible to do both at once). Tonight we're having dinner with III's old work partner and his wife. Again, I wish I didn't have to put on a cute outfit and drive into the city, even though I love the city and know I'll have a nice time. Tomorrow is dinner with KB and her husband. Ditto on tonight.

I just want to be there. I'll miss being here and miss my friends... but I really just need to be somewhere where there are very few expectations on me. I have some plans that will make it so I'm not just sitting on my butt the whole time... but they are minor.

With all this worry, how is it that it hasn't turned into any weight loss? LOL

Following up...

I've been meaning to update, and I definitely have plenty in my head that I think I want to share, but then when I sit down to type it out... I just don't want to anymore.

Thursday's ultrasound showed that neither embryo had a heartbeat. It also showed that my fibroid had grown from 5cm to 7cm across in just the week. That is basically the length of my entire uterus. Dr. Z actually showed us the ultrasound pictures so we could see exactly how it affected things. Thursday's ultrasound showed the fibroid encroaching upon the embryos.

Despite the bad news, we left feeling okay. Dr. Z is as certain as he can be that the crazy growing fibroid was to blame, and that it is something that can be remedied before we try again. I asked him directly if he thinks we need to stop trying, and he told us that when he has to have that conversation with couples it is very, very difficult, but that was NOT the conversation we needed to be having. That he still, without a doubt, feels we can have a baby.

The D&E was the next day. Again, we got to the appointment and we were both doing well. In good spirits, for what it was. But... you have to answer the same questions five different times for five different people... nurse, anesthesiologist, doctor, another nurse.... and they all just kept telling me how sorry they were. I know for some people that is probably really reassuring, but for me it was too much. By the time they took me into the OR I was crying and couldn't stop. I just wanted them all to stop talking to me, put me to sleep, and do what they needed to do so I could go home.

The procedure went well. I felt fine for the rest of the day.

Yesterday, I spend the evening with KB. She took me out to dinner and a movie- a girls' night date. We had a wonderful time and I just love her to death. It was exactly what I needed.

From here... I have a post-op appt with Dr. Z in three weeks. There we'll discuss what comes next, but if I'm understanding everything I'll have blood work and u/s to make sure I recovered fully and to see what Crazy Fibroid is doing now that all the hormones are gone. Then Dr. Z will refer me to yet another specialist to have my fibroid removed laproscopically. Once that procedure is done, and my recovery from that is complete, I'm sure my insurance will require we try a cycle with my lone frozen embryo. This is not something that III and I feel very optimistic about in terms of it being a "real" chance.... so that probably puts me at the fall before we can do another fresh cycle.

In one sense, it's tough to be "on hold" for that long, but in another it's probably what we need. I'm sweating that I'm turning 35 before I'll have a baby, but in the big scheme of things, what's 3 months? We're still looking into going away for the summer, and while I'll miss "my town", which I love in the summer, as well as KB, getting away from everything might be just what we need.

Hanging on by a thread

I vacillate between feeling optimistic and pregnant, and feeling that this pregnancy is doomed. Thursday seems really far away, and I dread finding out that bad news has been dragged out for a week. Before the bad u/s, I ordered 2 pairs of maternity jeans from o.ld na.vy. They came after the u/s... I almost sent them back, but I'm so uncomfortable in my regular clothes right now, I figured what the hell. They aren't the full panel kind- one is the low waist and another the roll down. They are comfy. But, even though I don't truthfully believe in this kind of luck, I feel like I'm tempting fate by wearing them.

I did a little googling yesterday... I wanted to see how high the chance of miscarriage is with a low fetal heartbeat. I was surprised to find that 60% of pregnancies with an early low h/b go on to be successful. I realize that 60% is only a little more than half, but in my mind I felt like it was a much stronger indicator. Many of the pregnancies that don't progress are because of chromosomal issues, which we shouldn't have. BUT I also know that in our situation the heartbeat dropped, so that makes me nervous as well.

Something I thought of this weekend that is also making me nervous.... I believe that Dr. Z mentioned that the fibroid did not seem to increase in size over the 4 days between our last 2 u/s. I realized this weekend that during that time I had stopped taking progesterone... I started up again after Thursday's appointment, so now I'm nervous that that fucker is growing in there and sucking up my uterine blood supply. Dr. Z didn't say anything about progesterone specifically, it's just my own neurotic worrying brain.

Mother's Day has never been a painful day for me. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm not really big on those "hallmark holidays"- not even valentine's day. III got me a mother's day card "from the dogs" telling me that they "woof" me a lot. :) I did call my mom yesterday, and I ended up giving her the basic outline of what had been going on with us. I didn't tell her specifics of this cycle, but did share that we'd peeled back a lot of layers, and that it was frustrating and time consuming.

I also saw KB, Miss M and Baby N this weekend. Sooooo sweet. I love seeing the babies of those I love, though I think going home to a babyless house was tough. Miss M shared the muffins they had baked with me, we played with these weird sticky bendy things, and shared with me her pride about pooping on the toilet. LOL. I got to hold and feed Baby N. He's a cuddly little thing and I held him on my shoulder after burping him. He snuggled in there and got a good nap. Cutie!!!

Wish me luck hanging in there until Thursday. I am not currently feeling good about the outcome at all. It's impossible not to analyze every symptom (or lack of) and even the ones I have I think "Oh, it's just the progesterone" or "Oh, that's just my dumb stomach acting up...."

Post op

Do I still call it a WTF appt if the IVF appears to have been successful?

Anyway.

Dr. Z is a really good guy. I walked in and he didn't say "Are you excited?" or even "Congratulations!" He said "Are you feeling cautiously optimistic?" Granted, he's been doing this for a long time with a lot of women, but he is a man and he is a doctor, and lets face it- they can be clueless. But he's not. He followed that up by telling me that I should feel a little more reassured knowing that we transferred 3 good quality (3BB, 3BB and 5AA) blasts that appeared to be chromosomally normal. He said you can get much more reassurance than that.

The one thing I wanted to know was about the testing. The doctor who did the transfer seemed a little confused about what they tested for, so I asked. Dr. Z cleared it up and told me they tested 24 chromosomes- all 22 pairs and the for an x and a y chromosome. I then asked if he knew, of the 14 abnormal embryos, why they were abnormal. So he went into my file... some of them were "complex abnormalities" which means something more than just our #2... this is the type of thing that can happen with any couple's embryos. But we had 5 that were solely affected on chromosome #2. So that's about 25%. I called III to let him know as well, because he seemed so bummed about the 14/20 being abnormal, and when I explained that there were 5 he said "Because of me?" :( I don't want him to feel responsible. It's not his fault. There are a lot of GOOD things about his genes that I want for my babies!!! This one negative thing has hopefully now been taken care of with the PGD.

I saw KB today before my appt. She is 37 weeks pregnant and looks it! It is still hard knowing I would have been right there with her... I would have been due in eleven days. She is upset that the doctors say she has at least a week to go before they'll even consider inducing and that her due date is three weeks away... as I've said before, I'm having a hard time feeling too sorry for her... She loved the blanket I knitted for her baby, though, and I even got to spend a little time with Miss M, which always makes me happy. :)

This is getting tough...

KB emailed me yesterday. With her ongoing kidney issues, for which the treatment has to wait until after she's had the baby, she was hoping her doctors would induce her early. (She's 34 weeks right now.) Apparently, the doc who is dealing with those issues for her said yesterday that he didn't remember saying that was something he agreed with. She thinks it is. I don't know what happened- if he did say something and forgot, if he said something that she interpreted, if she said something to him and he misinterpreted it... whatever it is, she's upset. She sent me an email yesterday about it and said "I can't do this for another six weeks."

I know this isn't fun for her. KB doesn't deal with discomfort very well. I know she's uncomfortable and can't sleep. And that there's even pain sometimes. But... I can't help it. All I can think is YOU GET TO HAVE A BABY. There were four months in her whole life that she tried to get pregnant, and for three of them SHE DID. Her first pregnancy was super easy. I understand that this one hasn't been... and I understand that I am her best friend and we are the ones who support each other. But... I don't know. I think I've done a pretty good job up to now. But seeing her 7.5 months pregnant and knowing that they will most likely be able to resolve the rest of the stuff in 6 weeks- at which time she'll also have her baby boy. I'm having a really hard time being as sympathetic as I should be to my best friend. I may have something different to say if I ever get pregnant, but right now... I'll trade places with her. I'll take the kidney pain and the sleepless nights and the eventual hours of labor in exchange for feeling my baby kick me from the inside, seeing him grow via ultrasound, and then having him in my arms and watching him grow into a boy and then a man. Of course, then she gets to have my daily injections, my bloated belly, my aching ovaries... and my repeated negative pregnancy tests.

I remember when Miss M was born, after her months of discomfort and hours of labor, KB said to me, "The nine months seem so long, but now that she's here, I realize- it's nothing. It's a blink of an eye." Apparently, she isn't remembering that.

I wish I could be more supportive. I wish I could just say "This is her reality. No one wants to feel like shit." But I'm having trouble getting around the bottom line- she is going to have a baby. I still don't.

Rough weekend

Sick. I'm sick. Yuck. It's a head and chest cold, and I just want to stay in bed. I stayed home Friday, but had to come to school today because of testing. Yuck.

I had dinner with KB on Saturday. I love her and am happy for her. But I'm not going to lie- it was hard to see her cute little 7.5 months pregnant belly, knowing that I would have had a matching one had my pregnancy continued.

I started stims on Thursday. It's funny, because I was so nervous when I first started the injectables... but now I like it. It's not that I like sticking myself every day or anything, but it's when I feel the most in control of this process. I am doing something. We are in process. As weird as it is, with the bruises and the bloating... it is the part of the process where I feel the most serene.

My first u/s is tomorrow. I hate the first u/s and b/w of the cycle because it's such a nothing appointment. Oh, yes, you have a few measurable and a bunch of little ones. Yeah, thanks. See you in two days. Pppbbbllltttt.

I'm off to spend the day grading papers and blowing my nose. Happy Monday!

Spoiling my sisters' children.

My infertility vs. my relationship with the children of those I love is an interesting thing. There are definitely some feelings of jealousy there. I want my own. But I love kids, and I especially love the kids of those who I love.

So I spoil them.

My sister's son is going to be two this month. I just went online (they live across the country) and bought him a truckload of art supplies. Easel, paints, crayons, markers... It all added up, but hell. If I don't spoil him right now, who am I gonna spoil?

KB is not officially my sister, but she might as well be. I am closer to her than to any other woman on this earth... even my biological sister. So I spoil her babies too. I have made Miss M so many gifts- a personalized quilt, a doll, ribbon barrettes, and most recently a cutie patootie jumper for her third birthday. KB doesn't know it yet, but for the last few months I've been working on knitting a Big Bad Baby Blanket for her son, who is due in May.

KB always tells me "I won't be able to reciprocate all of this when you have babies!" I tell her "I don't expect you to... and you better enjoy it now! I won't have time to do all of this when I have my own babies!"

My shit.

I walked into my clinic yesterday, signed in for my blood test, and turned to find a seat in the waiting room.

Only to be faced with what most of us probably dread.

A familiar face at the RE office.

N and I worked together a few years ago. Feelings at my school about him were mixed, but I liked him a lot. I also really liked his wife. So much, that a year or so later when I decided to brave acupuncture, I called her. (As she's an acupuncturist.)

So anyway. We chatted for a bit. About non IF stuff initially. Then I got called back for my draw, and when I returned he asked me about where we were at in our cycle. I told him the whole history... We didn't get to where they're at- his wife must have been having a procedure (maybe an ER?) and he got called back.

So... awkward. That feeling of nervousness about having to "come out" to a new person. Followed by a feeling of camaraderie, because- hey. They're clearly in the room for the same reason. Quickly followed by that kick in the gut- shit. Not them too.

I've contemplated emailing his wife. To say hello. To commiserate. To talk to someone who is 'in the trenches'; someone IRL who really gets it.

But I haven't. Why not?

Well there are two reasons. One is petty and easy to get past. The other.... well, it is paralyzing me.

#1- I stopped seeing her as my acupuncturist. First because I stopped having acupuncture, but I've recently started going again and didn't go back to her. Not because I didn't like her or she didn't do a good job- but just because of distance. I purposely chose an acupuncturist this time who's office is literally five minutes away from my house. So I feel some guilt about not going to her anymore... but I'm sure she'd understand.

But there's still #2.

She was there for a procedure. While it could be a laparoscopy or a hystoscopy or some other scopy, it's very possibly an egg retrieval.

What if it works?

Don't get me wrong- if it does, well, hell. Yay for them! It's just that I feel so alone in this process. And every time another someone who "got it" gets pregnant... it just highlights that, yes. I am alone in this. No one else is exactly where I am, right now. No one else has been through the exact same process I have been. I'm not trying to compare- I'm not saying "Well, my shit has been worse than her shit." But... my shit is my shit, and nobody else can totally get that.

I participated in Creme de la Creme... and I especially loved this post. Yes. Exactly. Once you cross over to 'that side'... well, your on that side. And I'm still over here. Going through all of my shit.

This weekend I couldn't help thinking about how I'd be entering the third trimester if my pregnancy had been viable. I would have been 25w4d today. (I looked it up- good news is the week I'm in is no longer in the front of my mind...) Instead I have my period. It was especially hard to ignore, since I visited with KB and her family. (She was 24w this weekend.) I love her and am happy for her- but I can't help looking at her growing belly without thinking "I would have looked like that now too..."

Miss M is turning three this month and I've made her a very super cute jumper as a gift. I can't wait to give it to her. KB made sure I knew I was invited to her party (along with the 17 kiddies and their parents...) but that she'd understand if I didn't want to come. I'm going to go, armed with my camera to hide behind. I love getting good shots of the kiddos on exciting and important days. It makes me feel useful and included.

I wouldn't say M makes is okay that we don't have any babies of our own... but being so close to her and being such a big part of her life (as we left their house, after I'd given her a hug and a kiss, she watched me go through the window and called after me, "But III didn't give me a hug and a kiss!!!!)- it takes the sting away from it a little.