What's going on

As I mentioned in a previous post, there's something big going on with us. It's kind of making me miserable, which kind of pisses me off. Why can't I just have a short time when things are easy and perfect???

If you've been with me a while, you may have read the background in this post. We did spend last summer in City B, and with the one year anniversary of his transplant coming up, III's dad is doing really well. But III still hates it here and he still misses his family and friends.

Because the economy has been so bad, III had told me that it would probably be a year, or even two or three before we even had the option of being transferred. Which was completely fine with me.

Mid-June, on a Wednesday morning, III told me that he recently found out that a transfer may be more imminent. Because of the baby, we talked about potentially taking his name off of the list for a transfer temporarily... that would have given us at least 6 months to a year before it came up.

Later that day, before we could do anything, he got the call that the transfer was approved. And we had to give a yes or a no by noon the next day.

That was a bad day.

If we had turned down the transfer, we would not be offered another for at least two years. If we took the transfer, and then changed our mind, we would not be offered another for at least four years. III decided it was time to "shit or get off the pot", as they say. He said if we didn't do it now, we'd never do it, so two years of four years wasn't going to make any difference.

So he accepted. And we've been seeing our therapist weekly since then hashing it out. We were supposed to be spending that time exploring the pros and cons of both staying and going, but that's never really what happened. It basically turned into operation get-me-to-agree-to-city-B.

At our last appointment, our therapist asked how I felt about the whole thing. I told her "I'm not thrilled, but I just don't feel like I have a choice."

So in mid-November we're moving. We're leaving this city I love. The city where I felt at home the first minute my plane touched down almost seventeen years ago. The city where I've developed my own 'family'. The city I know the ins and outs of. Where I have educated over one thousand children. Where all my connections are. We're leaving the home we made together- our first marital home. The little insulated life we have created here.

We're moving. To a city where I know nearly no one- and absolutely no one who is not somehow already connected to my husband. Where my in-laws, who mean well but drive me crazy and just don't get me, live. Where they will have constant expectations about and input into our lives.

I fully understand the benefits of this move for our family. I understand how this is going to be good for our baby. But when I asked III to make me a "pros" list of what benefits there are for me- just me as an individual- he couldn't even come up with one.

I know I'll be okay. I am an extrovert who makes friends easily. I'm having a baby, which will be an automatic "in" to making new connections. I'm not one to sit on my butt and mope and feel isolated and sorry for myself. But I'm devastated to be leaving my home.

Our house goes on the market next week. They are having an open house on Sunday. The realtor sent a "stager" in this week. She spent both days packing up all of our 'clutter' and moving our furniture around. I ended both days in tears, and now I'm living in a space I hate. This is not my home. I am not comfortable in my own house. I can only hope it sells quickly to someone who is willing to wait to move in until November so that we can put it back the way it belongs.

So that's what's going on. The fear and sadness that is hanging over my head as I try to prepare for the most joyous experience in my life.

I know it will be okay. I just wish it wasn't happening right now.

Denied

Last night, I crawled into bed with III...naked. He just lay there. I said "Are you too tired?" He looked at the clock and said, "Yeah. I'm too tired." I put my PJs back on, gave him a kiss, and rolled over.

And cried for an hour.

There hasn't been much action around here for the last four or five months. On top of the normal pregnancy stuff, the increased dose of Prozac I'm on makes my sex drive about .... zero. III has stopped initiating- he told me that he felt like I just would say yes because I feel bad for him and "that's not hot."

So, though I never got that second tri drive increase, I try to initiate once in a while. Once we get going, I'm fine and enjoy it.

Last time, maybe a week or two ago, III commented that it was kind of strange to think of having sex while "our son" was there. I reminded him that HE doesn't know what's going on! LOL I still think III was kind of freaked out. I'm pretty sure he didn't... um... finish....

So, maybe he was too tired. Maybe it was because he had to get up early and knew he had a busy day today. But... geez. I know he, like most guys, would like to be doing it more often. And I know we'll have a big dry spell towards the end of my pregnancy and for a few months afterwards.

I don't know. I knew there was a possibility that III would just want to sleep, but it turned out to upset me anyway. Hello, hormones? It wasn't that I felt rejected, though I guess if I really delve into it I probably did a little. But It made me worry... maybe he isn't attracted to me. Maybe he won't want to have sex with me again. Even the really irrational, over the top thought... what if there's someone else?

I don't know the solution. III has told me he isn't too worried, that he knows this is temporary. I've already spoken to my doctor about adjusting my meds after the baby arrives. I know there is more to our relationship than sex, but I guess I still worry.

Cute comments from III

As our pregnancy progresses, III gets more and more outwardly excited. He has said some really, really cute things.

One night in bed, I wanted him to try to feel the baby move. (This was before he had felt him.) He wasn't able to, but he wasn't upset about it. He said "It's so weird- there are three of us in bed right now!"

This weekend while baby was jumping around like crazy and we could see it from the outside: "Is it weird to be growing something in there? Like an alien?"

I participated in a gift exchange with other women who are due around the same time as I am (through a message board I've been on). My gifter sent me some really cute onesies, and they were sitting in the dining room. III saw them in there, and said "Are these for us? They're really small!" I told him, "I know. The baby is going to be really small!"

He bought me a card congratulating me on a small recognition I got at work. He signed it "Love, III, M-dog, Peanut and Nathalebriel"- a mix of the three names we are considering for baby boy.

And my favorite...

He came home this week and we were sitting down to dinner. He looked at me and said, "I wish it was September already. I just want to hold my son."

Moment

Since I started to feel the baby move, III has gotten more and more excited. I couldn't wait until he could feel it from the outside, but we never could get the timing quite right.

Last night, just before we headed out to dinner with his parents, I was laying down as he got ready. Baby started kicking a bit, so I asked III to come sit with me. He put both his hands on my belly and closed his eyes to concentrate. Baby boy gave a good kick just below my belly button.

III's eyes flew open. The expression on his face is one I'll never forget! I think the memory of it will remain one of my favorites for the rest of my life. :)

Big day!

In a little over an hour, I leave for my anatomy scan. I have really mixed feelings coursing through me.

I'm nervous. Nervous about all the potential bad things that could be discovered. My ultra fertile, ultra easy-pregnancy, ultra naive sister asked me if I was excited and I told her "Yes, and nervous." She said "Nervous about what?" I said "Bad news." It doesn't even really occur to her that it could happen. I mean, yes, intellectually, she knows bad things happen in pregnancy. But to her the anatomy scan was soley an exciting time to see her baby and find out whether it was a boy or girl.

But I am excited too. I'm pretty sure I've been feeling some small kicks and pokes, so I feel pretty confident that baby is alive. (Dead baby is at the top of my fear list.) III sent me a text a little while ago. It said "Doctor's address? I'm excited!!! ({})" I'm really excited about his excitement. I've had all the symptoms and growth and now little kicks... I've heard the heartbeat every week and was at the last ultrasound alone. This will be his first time to really see the baby and connect to it. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside and happy for him. :)

What I am most embarrassed to admit is that I'm having some anxiety over the gender reveal. Obviously, especially after all we've been through, a full term, healthy baby is our #1 priority. However, I've found myself leaning more towards hoping we're having a girl over a boy...which surprises me a little. I've always dreamed of watching III be a daddy to a son, and even before I met III I had it in my head that I'd want to have a boy first. There are a number of reasons for the switch... I think one is that 'feeling' every pregnant woman gets. I just feel like it's a girl. My nurse who checks the heartbeat each week thinks its a girl, and has said it each time. So maybe 'girl' has just gotten into my head.

The anxiety of it, however, I think comes from my parents. My mom has been telling me she wants me to have a girl since before I got pregnant. My sister has a boy and is pregnant with another boy. My mom wants to buy pretty dresses and cute shoes. (Well, who can blame her? So do I, to be honest...) I spoke to them yesterday and I told my mom "I hope you're not too disappointed if it's a boy!" and she of course assured me that she is thrilled that I am pregnant and just wants a healthy grandbaby, boy or girl.

The final cause of my anxiety is my dad. He has asked me no less than five times (at least one of them long before I was pregnant- before even my first loss) if we have a boy whether we are going to have a bris. I told him we hadn't even discussed it yet (every time)... but I think the answer is going to be no. I'm Jewish, III is Catholic. We had a non-denominational wedding. Part of the reason my dad is asking is that, before we got engaged, III sat me down for this big talk about what we might do about religion if we did progress to marriage. At that time (over five years ago now) he expressed that he would be open to raising the kids Jewish. Now... I'm not even sure he remembers saying that. We haven't practiced any religion at all since we've been married. I mean, of course a Christmas dinner here with his family, and a Passover seder there with KB's parents... but nothing really religious.

So at this point, I'm not sure how we will raise our kids in terms of religion. We've just been working so hard on getting a kid here. I did tell my parents (several years ago now) that they shouldn't have any specific expectations in terms of religion for our kids- that we were going to muddle through and put together what works best for us, and it might not be what they would prefer. But still, my dad asks.

So, if we have a girl... it's one less thing we have to worry about.

In just a few short hours, though, we'll know. And knowing always eases my anxiety. Even if what I worry about comes true, at least then we can start to make a plan. And if the 'worst' thing that happens is that our baby has a penis and I have to tell my dad that we will not be having the ceremony? Well, I think that will make us pretty lucky.

So wish me luck for a healthy, growing, active baby- boy or girl! I'll update all of you, my bloggy friends, either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Emetophobia

Emetophobia: an intense, irrational fear or anxiety pertaining to vomiting

Yep, that would be me. Ever since I was a kid. My sister would get the stomach flu and I'd lock myself in my bedroom. I'm great in emergencies, unless they involve vomiting. Then you can find me on the other side of the room (or preferably, a different room. Or building. Or city.)

I am lucky that I rarely vomit. I can count on my fingers the number of times I have in the last ten years. III also seems to be a rare vomiter.

Until this weekend.

Poor guy got the stomach bug that has been going around all winter. It came on pretty quickly, and he was very sick on Saturday night. He stayed in bed all day yesterday, which has never happened as long as I've known him.

Saturday night was rough for me as well. I felt so awful for him, and wished there was something I could do to help him. But I also couldn't shake my own fear that I would catch the bug and have to deal with myself vomiting. Every time I heard him in the bathroom, my own stomach seized up. I felt so bad... I wished I could be the person who sat by him and wiped his mouth as he was sick... but, yeah. Not so much. (Luckily, I don't think he's the type of person who would want that.)

I spent yesterday keeping the dogs quiet and periodically bringing him a tray with ginger ale, Gatorade, crackers and jello. I slept in the spare room for the past two nights so that he could get up as he needed to without worrying he was going to disturb me. (And who are we kidding? I was concerned about the germs...) And I'll admit, there was lots of hand washing...

This morning, I asked him how he was feeling and he shrugged and mumbled. He's cranky. Which I guess means he is getting better, right? But grumpiness irritates me. I mean, he's totally entitled- he's barely eaten for the last thirty six hours. He didn't work out yesterday. Which for him is crazy- I don't think there has been a day since I've known him that he hasn't worked out. And I know that makes him cranky. But I have a hard time not taking crankiness personally... I slept in today, mostly due to a pregnancy-headache. He got up and watched a James Bond movie and attempted some food. As soon as I came downstairs, he headed back upstairs. It could be that he wore himself out with his foray to the couch after no food for the past day and a half. But like I said... it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I wish I could be that wife who is totally selfless. Who can put all of my own feelings and phobias aside to care for my poor, vomiting husband. But I can't shake my own fears and insecurities, I guess. So on top of worrying about him and feeling bad that he feels so crappy, I'm left with a constant sense of anxiety and discomfort...

Hopefully, he didn't really notice. :-/

MEN!!!!!

III and I are on vacation right now... so beautiful and warm!!! But right after we got here, I could hardly enjoy it because I was so PISSED at him!!!!!!!!!

He had told me he was going away for training the first week of April. I will be 18 weeks that week, and so was supposed to set up my anatomy scan. Since he was going to be away, I set it up for the following week- April 12. I also had to see my OB for an official appointment (as opposed to the keeping-me-sane-heartbeat-check-appointments) that first week of April.I set that up for the Thursday before. He wouldn't come to that appointment, but I wanted to have it while he was in town... well, just in case.

Right after we checked into the hotel, I got an email with my work schedule for next week. I am working all day Friday and all day Saturday. I mentioned to him that he better soak up his time with me this week, because then I'll be working and then he'll be away. He replied "It's a whole week before I leave for training after we get back, so I'm sure we'll have plenty of time together."

Turns out he CHANGED HIS TRAINING. He is going the FOLLOWING week and just FORGOT TO TELL ME!!!!!!! He knew we had an appointment on the 12th, but... I don't know. Just ... forgot! ARGH. I am SO ANNOYED (as I am sure you can tell). So. Mad.

I called today and had to push our big ultrasound to the 18th. So that adds almost a whole week to my wait. Awesome for someone who has had major anxiety through this pregnancy. Thanks, husband.

I know that some level of my annoyance is probably due to hormones. But still. I want to give him a massive dope slap right now.

Update

I've been meaning to post, but I've been having a rough week.

Don't worry. Everything is okay.

My anxiety is still been pretty overwhelming. I don't think I even really realized it until yesterday when I met for my psychopharm followup with Dr. F. In her words, I am "still in a lot of distress." I'm not having panic attacks- the klonopin has really helped with that. And when I say that, I mean just having the klonopin. I can count on my fingers the number of times I've taken it (and half of those times I only took half of a tablet), but just knowing I have it if I need it helps. If you have ever had anxiety issues, you know that the prospect of having an anxiety or panic attack can cause an anxiety or panic attack in itself. It's reassuring to know I have a tool I can use if I need to, and just knowing that makes it so often I don't need to.

But the ongoing, underlying anxiety is taxing. I am tired of being scared. I wish I could take it away, but that's not a reasonable expectation. But Dr. F says I am still in more 'distress' than is normal or healthy, so she increased my prozac dosage just a bit. I don't have a problem with taking the slightly higher dose, I'm just feeling skeptical about whether it will work. Unfortunately, as with many SSRIs, it can take up to a month to know for sure if it is working.

In the meantime, I've been having brown spotting for the last four days, so that's just awesome for my anxiety. III and I had sex on Saturday, so that is likely the cause. I had a heartbeat scan on Monday (more on that in a minute) and also spoke with my nurse (I have seen and spoken with this nurse, MJ, so often now I am thinking of her as "mine") on Wednesday. She said not to worry unless the bleeding is red and heavy enough that it "saturates a pad". They told me I could come in, but I had my appointment with Dr. F so I told her I'd call today if I still felt like I needed to. I have an appointment with my OB on Monday anyway, so...

During my heartbeat scan on Monday, it took over two minutes to find the heartbeat. F R E A K I N G O U T. But she found it. My first hb scan, she found it way down by my pubic bone. Last week, it was a little further up and to the left. This week, right below my belly button. MJ and I agreed that this baby is going to be a little shit- just like daddy, I guess!

Yeah, III has been a shit for the last week. I don't know what the hell his problem is, but you'd think he was the one with the pregnancy hormones giving him mood swings. Last night he went to bed before me and fell right to sleep, and when I got into bed I just wanted to punch him in the face. If it wouldn't make it worse, I would have woken him up to make him listen to why I was mad. But I didn't. Today, I cleaned up the whole downstairs (with the exception of vacuuming). So he better fucking be in a good mood, or we're going to have a serious problem. Especially if all he mentions is that I didn't vacuum.

Oh, and we told our parents. But I'll have to save that for another post.

Yogaing it.

Thanks for all of your input on the anxiety, therapy, and exercise. I think I am going to call L- she actually periodically meets clients at my RE's office, so since I'm not working full time I'm going to see if her schedule there works with mine. It's half the drive that it is to her other office. But if not I'm going to go see her, at least a couple of times even if I have to drive the length.

I have an appointment with the psychopharmacologist. I've said this before- I know I am sooooo lucky to have such great insurance coverage for all of this infertility stuff, but I have to tell you that it doesn't come easily. I had to call for approval on this appointment, and by the time I talked to the fourth person at the insurance company I was in tears. That might have benefited me, though, because he gave me my approval pretty quickly at that point! :) So now that's set too.

I asked my doctor about exercise, and they felt that the prenatal yoga was a good idea. I used to do 60-90 minutes of hot power yoga pretty regularly, and though I've fallen out of habit I have still gone a handful of times in the last six months and been able to jump back into the routine pretty well. As I mentioned in a previous post, the yoga I had tried was less than I desired and pretty boring. I purchased this DVD. It got mixed reviews on Am.azon, but I decided to give the short version a try. I did the half hour practice today and it was perfect. Definitely more what I'm used to, but with modifications. I could see how it would be too much for someone who is not experienced with vinyasa yoga. I'm not an expert by any means, but not a beginner either. So as an "intermediate" yogi, this DVD was perfect for me. It has a 45 minute practice as well if I want a little more, and a 15 minute one for those days when I'm just not feeling very motivated. I'm hoping this will help with both my fatigue and my anxiety, as well as helping me to have more of a schedule (I'm thinking wake up, breakfast, Ellen and then yoga. :) )and get some necessary exercise.

Based on my OB's EDD for me, I will be eleven weeks tomorrow. My warped brain wants to add "That is, if the heart is still beating..." but I'm trying to ignore that voice and just get through the next ten days until my next scheduled ultrasound. I do know that if I need to, I can go in to see my OB, but I feel like each visit causes such a level of anxiety that I need to find a happy medium- enough visits to keep me assured but not so many that I'm having regular panic attacks, if that makes sense.

Finally, I wanted to share what my adorable husband told me. The day after my appointment, he came home from work. He said hello to the dogs, as usual, and then to me. Then he came over, put his hand on my stomach and said "Hello little person!" He told me that he's decided to be positive about this pregnancy. That if something goes wrong, it's going to suck either way, but that if all goes well, he doesn't want to look back and feel like we didn't enjoy and appreciate the pregnancy. He told me he thought I should think that way too, but he realizes that my "brain doesn't work that way."

I'm glad he is taking that role. As much as I agree with him, I just am not ready yet. Somehow I feel like getting bad news when unprepared for it is harder than when I am. I'm not sure that make sense, as my way is definitely harder along the way... *sigh* Probably something to discuss in therapy!!!

ER day

Retrieval went okay today.

III had a bit of a tantrum this morning at the clinic. He forgot that he had to give a 'sample'. He thought it was the next visit. Really? You have a medical background- how did you think they were going to inseminate my eggs in five days AFTER all the testing? That is being done because of an inversion that YOU have? He was all irritated and kind of obnoxious to me- I'm guessing he *ahem* took some time to himself this morning. Ugh. Men. I was pissed that he was acting all annoyed with me- why do I have to be the expert in all of this??? This is our FOURTH egg retrieval! I'm the one who has to rearrange my whole schedule for the week because I'm out of commission today! Get your act together, Man! And if you don't, don't take it out on me.

I'm guessing all went well, because when he returned from taking care of business he was much calmer. Maybe he was worried he wouldn't be able to pull it off twice in a row. Whatever. I'm not feeling very sympathetic to tell you the truth.

So they got 13 eggs. I'm a little disappointed- in the past they've been able to get up to twenty. I know Dr. Z scaled back the meds so that I wouldn't have such a high estrogen level, but considering only 6 out of the 20 last time were normal, it makes me a little nervous. Don't get me wrong- I'm well aware that I am LUCKY to produce so many eggs. But it's pretty much the only thing we've been lucky in.

Did I mention my insurance company still hasn't reimbursed us the $5000 for PGD from our cycle 9 months ago? That's a whole other story. I have to call them again tomorrow, not only to check on that, but to tell them that it's all starting again!

Sorry this is such a cranky post. I'm feeling crampy and crappy and tomorrow is going to be a crazy busy day in which I'm sure I'll feel like I want to be in bed. Hopefully it will be made better by a good insemination report... please, please, please..... :(

My li.bido is missing in action.

I feel bad for III.

Last night he wanted to. I didn't. He was nice about it... but said he feels like he's getting a bit of a complex because I'm so rarely "in the mood".

I used to have a pretty healthy s.ex drive. Lately.... I could take it or leave it. When III wants to, if he initiates I usually can get going fine. But if he doesn't initiate... I'm happy to curl up and go to sleep.

Last night as we talked I told him that I just feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I hate to think what I'd be like right now if I wasn't taking my prozac...

This week seems to be especially difficult. I'm just blue. I'm hoping it's pms. If it is I feel like it's come early. But if it is, that means I'll feel better in a few days.

I hope.

Anyway.

Lonely tonight.

As I mentioned this weekend, III is away for work.

There are days when I'm so tired of living with someone else. Times when I get sick of putting up with his schedule and his moods.

But I'm lonely without him.

T's husband, B, died yesterday.

The combination of those things remind me that the annoying stuff and the crappy days are worth it for the good days and the love I feel for and receive from III.

My loneliness is alleviated somewhat by my dogs. I LOVE my pups. I mentioned to III last week that I am not sure how I would have made it through the last two years of infertility stuff without them. Their unconditional love combined with my ability to... well, baby them... I feel like I would feel so empty without that.

So I guess tonight I am reminded of the things in my life I have to feel grateful for.

(Would it ruin the sentiment to say I'm also grateful for Glee tonight? Keeping me entertained? And for sauvignon blanc? Because... it's yummy. And for spellcheck in blogger, because otherwise I would have misspelled "alleviate"? And for peanut butter cookies sent to me as a surprise by my old roommate, even though they aren't on my "diet" (Thanks, K!!!!)? I hope not... because I am...)

Vulnerability

When III and I were just barely engaged, we were on our way to the grocery store when I had a meltdown. I can't remember the specifics, but I do remember telling him "I just feel really vulnerable." He told me "Of course you are. So am I. That's what happens when you love someone."

It's one of things I don't like about being married. I feel vulnerable in so many ways. This insurance situation has brought that feeling to the forefront again. I had to rely on III to figure out some of this insurance stuff, which puts it out of my control. If we spend savings on our IVF, it makes me feel indebted to him, since it's because of his family that we have the money.

Another aspect of my vulnerability in being part of a couple has shown its face today. While III is away on a tactical assignment for his law enforcement work, which leaves me anxious for his safety, a friend of mine who lives far away is losing her husband to cancer. My heart is breaking into pieces for her and her children, but I can't ignore the pain that is brought out by my own fear of "that could happen to me!"

The mail came a good ten hours after III left today. In it, was an envelope addressed to me in III's handwriting. It was a card which on the outside said "love" and the inside said "I was born to love you."

And that's why we agree to be vulnerable and accept the chances of the pain that comes from tragedies like my friend's.

So hold your loved ones a little closer today, and please send a prayer out there for my friend, T, her husband, B and their two sweet babies.

Pain in the...

I'm having some right side pain... I'm wondering if it's ovulation pain. I don't tend to get it, but I don't know what else it could be. (Who am I kidding. I have an anxiety disorder. There are plenty of ideas floating around in my head about what it could be, but I'm trying to be all zen and rational here...)

It is completely possible it is ovulation time. It's hard to know for sure, because my surgery kind of blurred when my period came this month... but it seemed like I was getting it on the day of my surgery, and yesterday (when the pain started) was 18 days since my surgery. I typically ovulate on day 17, so it's not unrealistic that it could be.

But... why would I have pain now when I don't usually?

In other news, my doc wasn't super clear about how long we had to wait after my surgery to have sex... a lot of my restrictions were 2 weeks, but there was some question about whether we should wait 4. On Thursday (2 weeks), III asked whether we could. That day I had realized I still can't do certain ab exercises yet without pain, so I was a little nervous and told him maybe we should wait another week.

Last night I decided I was over waiting. So I came into the bedroom and told III. He said "I thought we were waiting another week..." I said "I changed my mind." He said "Well, I didn't know....I already...." Damn! Luckily, he was up for another round. ;) So I guess things are almost back to normal since the surgery. LOL

One long ass update post.

So I haven't posted a real update in a while, and there has been lots going on at the same time there has been little going on. Does that even make sense?

I don't even know where to start, so excuse me if this is a little random and all over the place.

We have been staying out at the lake, but it hasn't been as relaxing as we thought it might be. We spent 2 days driving out there, and 2 day settling in, then it was the 4th of July and all of III's family descended on us. We had another day or two and then we headed out for a week to visit my family for a reunion and surprise anniversary party for my parents (planned long distance by me). We returned and had 9 days to ourselves, though III started his temporary work assignment and was settling in there. Then my parents came out to the lake, and my mom stayed for 9 days while my dad traveled around to different baseball stadiums. In the midst of all of this, III's family was out every weekend. While it has been nice to see them and spend time with them, it's hard for us to get time to relax. Plus, it winds our dogs up. III's family only has little, non shedding dogs, so they are a little overwhelmed by our big, loud, shedding, slobbery boxers. In part because of this, III's mom drove us crazy with her super OCD-ed-ness. She keeps bringing out old towels and covering the furniture with sheets (under the blankets we've already covered it with) and buying new "knock-around" comforters for the bedroom, like our dogs are going to tear apart the house or something.

Today I'm headed back home for the week because my myomectomy is on Thursday. I go in tomorrow for pre-op tests, can't eat all day on Wednesday, and then have surgery on Thursday. Sunday we fly back to the lake for one more week, and then we head home for a while. Our plan keeps changing, but we had gotten to a point where the thought was that we'd be out there for at least 2 and possibly 5 months... or possibly forever if a transfer occurred. This weekend III told me he thinks we should go home for now. His dad is doing okay on the IV and there's not much for III to do for him. When it gets to a point where he gets his transfer, we'll probably do this all over again.

While I'm happy to head home, it also is making my head spin because it was not originally the plan. I've been working out with a personal trainer for the past two weeks, and I really like her. (Side note- the first day I met her, she tells me "in the spirit of full disclosure I want to let you know that I'm 4 and a half months pregnant." Of course you are. Because this is my life. She is due 3 days after I would have been due with my last pregnancy. Luckily, as I said, I like her so I guess it's not really that big of deal anymore...) I'm disappointed to have to start over somewhere else, and to leave when I feel like she and I have made a connection. The little town we're staying in is also growing on me, and it is certainly nice for me and the dogs to be on the lake.

Also... I officially took leave from my job. So I'm kind of freaking out. Since we're going home, I guess a part of my head tells me that I did it for nothing... but that's not totally true, because III's dad could get a heart at any time and then we'll be heading back. Plus... well, anyone who has read my blog for the past year knows that last year was not a super happy one at work, so maybe I really do need to regroup and think about what I want to do. But, it's one thing to want that and another for it actually to happen. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now that I'm jobless for the year, plus I can't help worrying about the money, even though we have money in our savings. I also find myself in kind of an identity crisis... I am an eighth grade math teacher. That's what I DO and who I AM. And, damn it, I'm good at it! So what happens when I'm no longer part of an eighth grade classroom? Hm.

Something else that's been hard is KB. She has been my main support through a lot of this, but I'm finding talking to her more stressful than helpful lately. She is full on FREAKING OUT about my potential move, and I find I don't even want to tell her what is going on because I end up consoling her or wanting to hide stuff from her. I 100% understand where she's coming from, because I have the same anxiety about us living so far apart. But I also have the anxiety of where I'm going to work, where I'm going to live, making new friends, and hoping that my FIL doesn't die before he gets a new heart, and that the new heart works. Oh, and then there's the whole infertility thing too...

I hope to update about my myomectomy in the next few days. I can't find much about others' experiences to know what to expect, so I'll try to post mine for others in a similar situation to find.

I also apologize for not keeping up with your blogs. We're using an USB modem, which limits my online time. And... well, as many of you probably also find, when you're on an IF 'break' sometimes you fall off the IF blog wagon, both writing and reading.

Hope everyone is well. Be back soon!!!

We're here.

The trip was long but uneventful. Dogs did awesome. I was exhausted, but III did most of the driving, so I don't really have anything to complain about.

I'm not really happy to be here. The reality is hitting me that we're probably more or less here for good. And it's not really where I want to be.

And honestly? I have no desire to live near my in-laws. Or my family, to be perfectly frank. I wish we lived closer than we did. But not close. I know that is obnoxious. And selfish. But it's true. And yesterday it hit me- at home it's just me and III. And I like it. I worry how this will change our relationship. :(

But last night when we went to bed, I told III "I love you so much." and he replied, "I know you do. That's why we're here." So I know he appreciates it.

In other news-

I talked to my ex boyfriend on FB last night. It was interesting. He is definitely not in any way "the one who got away". But we were together for a long time, and so he's a big part of my history. It was nice to have a friendly chat with him and hear how he and his family are doing.

I had an orientation to volunteer at the local animal shelter yesterday. I'm glad to have something to do where I'll be meeting people and helping animals. I'm a little worried that I'm not going to meet "my kind of people", but that's a stupid worry to have right now so I just need to go with it.

I have scheduled my fibroid surgery for August 5. So I'll have to fly home for that week (pre op blood test and u/s are on the 3rd).

I miss KB like crazy already. Is it abnormal to be so attached to your BFF?

Exercise routine to start... soon? I could start today... but the holiday weekend... bah. Maybe I'll start next week.

The suckiness

III and I are headed to see a counselor today. She was recommended by the nurse at my clinic (after I broke down crying on the phone when they told me I was going to lose this last pregnancy... is that so uncommon???). III and I decided we needed to sit down with someone, even if it is for them to tell us "yeah, things just suck right now."

I'm a little nervous, though. I'm nervous about what might come out. I'm nervous about how III will interact with her (he's never been to counseling/therapy). I'm just nervous.

I think I'm at the end of my rope in a sense. I start every day with a headache and I'm exhausted all day. I have so much to do and no energy or motivation to do it. I just want the school year to be over, even though it means we are headed away for at least six weeks. I'm feeling very anxious about the uncertainties in our life right now, and though I dread leaving my home, another part of me just wants it to be over so that I can just deal with the reality of it instead of worrying about how it might be.

I feel like I'm longing for something but I don't know what. There is no one thing- or even several things- that can realistically happen to help settle me.

Yeah. Things just suck right now.

Too much

There is so much going on right now that I haven't been able to blog. Not because of time, but because there is just too much to say. I can't organize it all into coherent thoughts.

So I guess I'll just start by focusing on one thing. Moving.

This situation is nearly unbearable for me lately. Especially after our argument a few weeks ago. III says one thing but I wonder if he really means it after some of the stuff he said to me. I have agreed to move. But to be honest, I'm not happy about it. He told me that he was hesitant to accept my agreement to move because he didn't want "to be selfish". But he wants to be with his dying father. So if we stay here just because I love it here and don't want to live there because... well, because it's there... then who is really the selfish one?

But I can't stand how I feel right now. I hate that I'm leaving behind EVERYTHING.

I am leaving the job I've been at for eleven years. Yes, I haven't been totally happy here lately, but I'm known and respected here. I know the routine. No longer having the choice to stay or go makes me want to throw up.

I am leaving our house. Our town isn't ideal, but we have a really nice house that together we have turned into a home. III planted the trees in the backyard, and B-dog is buried out there.

I am leaving my students. I love having former students come in and visit or running into them out in the town- it makes my whole day.

I am leaving my doctors. Dr. Z who knows all my IF shit. I will have my first baby with some OB I don't know instead of Dr. C, who is my favorite doctor I've ever had.

I am leaving my friends. I am leaving KB who is like a sister to me. Her babies who I love.

I am leaving my city. I love my city. I love the architecture here. The bustle. The character of the city. The attitude of the people. The colors of the fall. The access to the ocean.

I dread starting over. I dread being back in a place I didn't like living. And the anticipation of it is the worst part of all.

But I love my husband. I feel like I'm living in "Midnight Train to Georgia".

L.A. proved too much for the man,
So he's leaving the life he's come to know,
He said he's going back to find
What's left of his world,
The world he left behind
Not so long ago.
He's leaving,
On that midnight train to Georgia,
And he's going back
To a simpler place and time.
And I'll be with him
On that midnight train to Georgia,
I'd rather live in his world
Than live without him in mine.

We're not in LA, and we're not going to Georgia... but other than that. He needs to leave to return to his world. And I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine.

Everything sucks.

Things are rough at our house right now.

III and I aren't really getting along. We had a big throw down last night, which cleared the air, but those are never fun.

At one point, he expressed that there was a time last month where he wondered if maybe we weren't right for each other. I wanted to throw up.

By the end of the evening, things were a little better- lines of communication are open for now. We're going to go see a counselor who specializes in infertility issues.

We are also probably going to move to City B within the next year. :(

On the ttc/ivf/mc front.... my hcg levels are still over 600. Ugh. No wonder I still feel so gross.

And I'm still bleeding...

I feel disgusting.

I can't believe how fat I am right now.

Today is supposed to be near 80. I shaved my legs and got ready to wear a skirt and something short sleeved....

None of my clothes fit me.

Literally.

I'm in jeans and a sleeveless sweater that, when I bought it, was too big (but it was on sale and I didn't try it on).

As of this morning, I weigh twenty-seven pounds more than I did on my wedding day.

This is not okay.

I have been planning to start some sort of workout, but so far it has not happened. I have had a really hard time getting motivated...

So I think I'm going to do something I never ever thought I would consider.

Personal trainer.

III will kill me for spending money on that... he thinks it's a waste. "Just work out!" he says. As if it's just that easy. Because for him, it is. But I hate to work out. And I'm tired and not motivated to do it on my own (even by the roll of fat hanging over my jeans).

So I think I'm going to do it. I have to do something.

In other news...

III came home devastated last night. The summer plan that he thought he had with his job had a wrench thrown into it. I wish I could go into it further, but it's f-ed up and complicated... basically, if we go now, we can't go later (like if his dad has surgery or, worse, is dying) and even going now isn't for as much time as he was led to believe.

First he was pissed. He told me he didn't want to talk about it.

Then he cried.

I insisted that he go to work today and ask what he has to do to take unpaid family leave. We can survive for two months without his salary. That's why we have savings- for emergencies like this.

I hope he does. He didn't say anything after I told him that, but his mood seemed lighter and he seemed to feel better throughout the evening. I'm hoping that means he agrees. If he doesn't, I'll have to take more drastic measures.

Because even though I don't really want to... we're going. We have to go. We can't keep going on like we have been. He has to be with his dad. We have to have a change of scenery. We both need a break from worrying about work, when it seems so trivial compared to everything else going on in our lives.