I have a constant curiosity about my exes.
It's not any sort of longing to be with them. I actually have no ex whom I look back and think "I wish that could have worked out." Each one didn't work out for a very good reason, and there are so many ways each day that it is clear to me that things worked out the way they are supposed to. That III is who I should be with.
Somehow, I still seek out information on these men- two in particular, though periodically others. I don't know why. I know it's a terrible habit that is sometimes even unhealthy, but I continue to do it. I know I shouldn't. I'm embarrassed by the compulsion. I don't even confess it to my therapist. But the internet makes it so easy and so tempting...
My college boyfriend, M, is remarried and living something like 2000 miles away. His wife keeps a (public) blog of stories and pictures of their family and their kids. They have 2- a boy (3 I think) and a girl (just over a year). This is my boyfriend who I was with for 6 years- we planned to get married. (This is the same one from my facebook quandary.) While I have no desire to be with him- it's been something like seven years since we broke up and I don't even know him anymore- I was so stung and saddened when we broke up, and even more so when, less than a year later, he got engaged to this woman to whom he is now married. So I guess there is a piece of that that sticks in my gut- maybe it's my pride that's scarred?
Anyway- this post does have a point. I looked at their blog yesterday. (Bad girl! Bad!) Lots of new pictures of their adorable kids. It hurt me in a new way- here is this man with whom I thought I would have kids, who has 2 with his wife and gets to be a daddy. Here am I- with someone with whom I so want to have babies, and we can't. Worst of all- WE DON'T KNOW WHY. Is it me? Is it him? Is it us together? Would each of us be able to conceive with someone else?
I don't want M... but I want that life. I want to have a family. I want to be a mommy. I want to watch III be a daddy.
*sigh*
It's not any sort of longing to be with them. I actually have no ex whom I look back and think "I wish that could have worked out." Each one didn't work out for a very good reason, and there are so many ways each day that it is clear to me that things worked out the way they are supposed to. That III is who I should be with.
Somehow, I still seek out information on these men- two in particular, though periodically others. I don't know why. I know it's a terrible habit that is sometimes even unhealthy, but I continue to do it. I know I shouldn't. I'm embarrassed by the compulsion. I don't even confess it to my therapist. But the internet makes it so easy and so tempting...
My college boyfriend, M, is remarried and living something like 2000 miles away. His wife keeps a (public) blog of stories and pictures of their family and their kids. They have 2- a boy (3 I think) and a girl (just over a year). This is my boyfriend who I was with for 6 years- we planned to get married. (This is the same one from my facebook quandary.) While I have no desire to be with him- it's been something like seven years since we broke up and I don't even know him anymore- I was so stung and saddened when we broke up, and even more so when, less than a year later, he got engaged to this woman to whom he is now married. So I guess there is a piece of that that sticks in my gut- maybe it's my pride that's scarred?
Anyway- this post does have a point. I looked at their blog yesterday. (Bad girl! Bad!) Lots of new pictures of their adorable kids. It hurt me in a new way- here is this man with whom I thought I would have kids, who has 2 with his wife and gets to be a daddy. Here am I- with someone with whom I so want to have babies, and we can't. Worst of all- WE DON'T KNOW WHY. Is it me? Is it him? Is it us together? Would each of us be able to conceive with someone else?
I don't want M... but I want that life. I want to have a family. I want to be a mommy. I want to watch III be a daddy.
*sigh*
1 comment:
I totally do this! I am such a nosey bitch :) I don't know what it's about either...
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