Monday, January 3, 2011

Fear

My first u/s will be on the 12th. 6w2d.

I am dreading every step of at least the next three weeks. If we get to 8w, (the time at which I had both my miscarriages) I anticipate continuing to fear each and every step.

Even if I wasn't a chronic worrier (which I am) or didn't have an anxiety disorder (which I do), I suspect everything we have been through would leave me feeling this way anyway.

Today my worry is the poking ache I am feeling on the right side. My mind goes directly to thoughts of ectopic pregnancy.

In fact, I have a whole list in my head of fears that I have- things that can go wrong, from 5w to 40w.

  • Empty sac
  • Slow heartbeat
  • No heartbeat
  • Ectopic pregnancy
  • Hematoma
  • Bleeding
  • Miscarriage
  • Missed miscarriage
  • Pre-eclampsia
  • Incompetent cervix
  • Uterine infection
  • Placenta previa
  • Pre-term labor
  • Placental abruption
  • Fetal death
There are some I didn't type out because I don't remember what they are called, and others that aren't there because I don't know about them. Good or bad? I'm not sure. And of course, the times that the bad happens and no one can tell you why.

The next week and a half is going to be a tough one. But it is potentially nothing compared to what is coming...

9 comments:

thirtiesgirl said...

I think I have the same disorder. Crossing my fingers that everything goes well at your ultrasound.

Cheers said...

Sending all wishes your way!

Kakunaa said...

Ahhh anxiety. Yeah. When they let me go back on my Zoloft I was THROUGH THE ROOF. Huge help, and baby safe :)

One day at a time, love. That's how I have learned to be sane with all of it. One day ata a time. ODAT.

Remember to breathe...HUGS.

Michele said...

warm thoughts and many hugs...

typical libra said...

Ah I am sorry it has been so long since I stopped by - I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you today and everyday that things go well!

Red Power Ranger said...

We think the worry is over when you fall preg after ttc. Then you get a whole new worry that moves in and takes residence in our head! Best wishes xoxo

irrationalexuberance said...

The fear is totally completely reasonable -- and it's really really hard. But we are here with you and are all hoping for nothing but the best and smoothest pregnancy ever.

Infertile Farmer said...

Ugh. I totally feel you on this post! I recently wrote about the same feelings about my previous miscarriages. Right now, my goal is just to get past the place I was last time (10 weeks) and once I'm in unchartered territory, I'm hoping I will relax a little bit. I'm not holding my breath though, because like you, I am a worrier too! I just try to keep reminding myself to take one day at a time and live in the present...and right now you are PREGNANT! WOO HOO!

Carpenters said...

So happy for you!

I have been following you, and would love to share in your journey.

http://ddcarpenter714.blogspot.com/

-Deanna