Thursday, January 20, 2011

Craptastic

According to my retrieval date, I am 7w3d today.

As I've mentioned, I've decided it's impossible to NOT obsess over symptoms or lack of particular symptoms.

The nausea that I had with my last pregnancy I don't this time. On one hand, that's great. I don't do well with puke. On the other... well, you know. I'm not feeling great, though. I just kind of feel... ick. Queasy I guess. I am tired all the time. I feel like a total slug. I worry that III is irritated that I am sleeping so often and getting so little done. I wonder if the fact that I am able to sleep more this time is making the queasiness/nausea better that it would be. That all sounds very rational, doesn't it? In my head, I worry that the lack of nausea means something bad. On the other hand, the fact that I'm not feeling great makes me worry that something is bad.

You hear about nausea and morning sickness all the time... is it normal just to feel ... blah? Ick? Crap?

I also feel a little.... depressed. That could be related to the fatigue. It could be related to my ever-present anxiety. It could have to do with the fact that it's January... every winter I get those blues related to the cold and the dark. I guess when you throw all three together, it makes sense.

So we plod along, one day at a time. Waiting for the next appointment, which is Tuesday. I'm nervous about everything about that appointment. I'm nervous that my u/s will be bad. I'm worried that if my u/s is good, that I'll be released to my OB- that worries me because then I worry that when I get to my first OB appointment, like the last time, they will have to send me across the street to the u/s doctor who will tell me that history is repeating itself...

So much worry. So much uncertainty. A recent comment reminded me of the Confucius quote, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." It's true... and we've been making these steps... the only problem is, we are hyper-aware of previous journeys where we took that first step but had our journey aborted far too early.

13 comments:

Michele said...

fingers crossed for all good things...

Anonymous said...

I love that you use the word "craptastic" :) What a perfect word!

I've followed your blog for a while and couldn't be happier about your news! I know it's so easy to say that one shouldn't be anxious, but I hope that you get some peace from the worries. I was always tired when pregnant, but I didn't have a lot of nausea.

I can not wait until your ultrasound....I will be crossing my fingers, lighting a candle, sacrificing a chicken (just kidding about that part), sending good thoughts your way.

Jem said...

have you tried those sun laps for people with seasonal affective disorder? It's supposed to help. What about a trip to the Bahamas? if you can't go in person, you can dream?

Kakunaa said...

Overall fatigue and blah is normal. Well, normal as far as normal goes in any pregnancy. I felt like I'd been hit by a train. You are doing GREAT and I can't wait to hear about the 8 week u/s. HUGS.

H.C. Bishop said...

I miss every single bit of all the blah and "bad" pregnancy symptoms.

I would take those any day over a now empty womb.

katery said...

aw, congratulations on your pregnancy, stick baby stick!!! i know it's scary and i know it's hard not to obsess about symptoms, i know i did, i had ZERO symptoms, but my pregnancy was a success and yours will be too!! good luck at your next appt :)

Browniris said...

GL at your next appointment!

Infertile Farmer said...

I totally hear ya! I also described how I felt/feel as "queasy" and just "icky" rather than "nauseous." I think we are so in tune with our bodies and analyze everything little thing. Every time I feel the least bit "ok" I start to panic, but then of course feeling crappy isn't exactly fun either. I am so with you on this! Hang in there until Tuesday. I went to the doc yesterday fully expecting the worst and got great news (after multiple losses). This could be the ONE!! I can totally see myself in the words you write, and everyone tries to remind me to BELIEVE, so I want to do the same for you! I am sending you tons of good luck!!

LisainSK said...

They should make "craptastic" an official pg symptom because that's what it feels like. So far so good...take care!

BBH said...

Good luck! Wishing you the best!

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Stopping by from ICLW...

Crappy and icky and tired all sound very promising! Blessings on you & your little bean!

heartincharge said...

You feel like a total slug. I have actually become a slug. This sounds cheesy but take the symptoms as OMG this is actually happening moments the best you can.

Tiffany said...

It's so hard not to obsess! My pregnancy with my son was absolutely miserable up until 20 weeks. Then my pregnancy with my daughter was pleasant in comparison. You would think that would be cause for celebration, but it actually really freaked me out. I was paranoid until she made her screaming shrieking entrance into the world.

Hang in there! The "ick" is par for the course.

(visiting via ICLW)