Second beta...

1020

I wouldn't say I'm excited, but I'm relieved. I guess that's par for the course at this point for us...

The results are in!

K, the nurse, called me bright and early this morning with my beta results. A very respectable 139. :) Dr. Z likes to have the second beta 3 days after the first, but that's the day we're travelling, so I go in on Friday morning.

Thanks for all of your supportive comments!

Beta day

I have an appointment at a lab near my in-law's in just over an hour and a half. K, our NP for this cycle, sent the order as "stat". She told me "here, stat means like half an hour, but there it could mean like 24 hours." So we may not get results until tomorrow.

As usual, I don't want to be 'surprised' with a negative result, so this morning I took an hpt.

7dp5dt

I took an hpt yesterday, at 6dp5dt. It was negative. Commence googling.... plenty of people saying that is too early, several who had positive betas after a 6dp5dt hpt negative. So I went back to my last cycle- positive on 5dp5dt. Of course, my beta four days later was over 400. But this has not helped to ease my pessimistic feelings about this cycle.

I brought 3 hpts with us on our trip, so I have 2 left. Trying REALLY HARD to wait until tomorrow to test, because I know I want to save one for Monday morning before my beta. But it's sooooo tempting.

I don't know what I'll do if my beta just comes back plain negative. THREE perfect blasts with NO stickies? That would definitely be a big 'fuck you' to the asshole transfer doc who gave us a hard time about potential triplets.

Ugh. It's going to be a rough 3 days....

Well, hello there!

I was working at the store last night when I saw a familiar face- at about 6:30, Dr. Z walked in! When I had mentioned to him that I had started working there part time he told me that he shopped there sometimes (he makes his own xmas cards!) so maybe I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was! So much so that I accidentally charged some poor woman for a $30 teapot she didn't buy!

He of course recognized me, and we chatted a bit as I rang up his purchases. (Though I was still rattled enough that at first I rang them all in as returns!) Just small talk, though a part of me was so tempted to throw questions and random cycle facts at him. "Should I be worried that none of my embryos froze?? I have my pregnancy test in five days! I have an appointment scheduled with you on the 6th!"

But of course I didn't... I figured that was probably not appropriate patient/doctor protocol.

After he left, I told my manager who he was and said "I don't know if I was more flustered by the fact that he's seen my nether-regions or that he's seen me hysterically crying in his office!"*

A few hours later, I came home to this email in my inbox:

Hi A,

It was nice seeing you this evening. I am always reluctant to say too much in situations like that as I never want anyone to feel that they have to reveal too much to their co-workers about how we know one another. I want to wish you and III a very happy holiday season and great things to come in 2011.

With best regards, Dr. Z

III and I have always liked Dr. Z, and felt that along with being a great doctor, he's a nice guy. That he initiated and sent this email definitely shows that.

*For some strange reason, my droid keeps changing the word "he's" to "ne'er-do-well"! LOL

No backup...

Just got the letter telling me that none of our three remaining embryos made it to freeze. Fuck. I was naively hoping ALL of them would, so that our next cycle could be a frozen transfer with four potential embryos. :(

As you can probably tell, I'm not feeling optimistic about this cycle for some reason. Maybe it's the hormones getting me down. Maybe it's all of our history. Maybe it's a sign... (Though experience has never shown my 'feelings' to be especially accurate...)

Six days to beta.

Happy f-ing birthday.

(First of all, can we please discuss how I typed half of this post out and then my computer froze and I lost it all. Fuck. Second of all, I'm in a mood, so expect at least a moderate amount of swearing in this post...)

My transfer was in the morning. Of 12 embryos we had, 6 were normal! Awesome. The doctor who did my transfer was one I had never heard of- doing his turn on the weekend shift I guess. We didn't like him. This conversation sealed that impression:

Dr: So we're transferring... three...?
Us: Yes.
Dr: *pause* So you're not worried about triplets?
Me: Well, considering this is our fourth IVF cycle, Dr. Z agreed that transferring three was not unreasonable.
Dr: Okay then.
III: (After Dr. has walked away) Clearly, you have children.

Triplets would not be ideal. We are well aware of the risks of multiples. But considering our history, we are at the point where we will do what we have to in order to end up with a baby.

Transfer went well, yada yada. I walked away PUPO, though I'm trying not to think about that. One step at a time and all that shit. We will be away on the 27th, which is the day they want me to do my beta. The OR nurse said if I call my nurse on Tuesday (she's out Mondays) she should be able to help me arrange a blood test in the state where we will be.

As it was my 35th bday, KB felt we needed to do something special to celebrate. So she and I planned a night out at a chic new bowling alley/restaurant/bar near my house.

A college friend and her husband joined us. III and her husband get along very well, so in addition to being really happy to spend time with her, I like that III enjoys his time with her husband. They started trying to have a baby around the time of my first miscarriage. She had commented to me the last time we saw them (early summer) how it was frustrated to be trying to do something and failing at it.

We all sat down to dinner, and Friend, who is an avid wine drinker and enjoys a beer every now and again, was drinking water.

While we were in the bathroom, KB asked me "Is Friend pregnant?" I told her I didn't know, but probably- that I knew they had been trying and the water was a pretty obvious sign.

We moved on to bowling, and throughout the whole first game I found myself "checking out" Friend. Are her boobs bigger? Her belly? Is she wearing pregnancy jeans? (It seemed like no to me for all of them....)

I didn't have to wait all that long for an answer. Between the first and second games, Friend and her husband approached me, arms around each other, faces excited. "Can we tell you our news?" As if I didn't know. "We're having a baby! Finally!"

Finally.

She's due in May. KB told me while Friend was taking her turn with the pins "I asked you in the bathroom because I thought maybe she had told you ahead of time." I told her "I wish she had."

As I told III on our way home, it's not that I'm mad at Friend or think that she "should" have done it differently. She knows what we've been going through and she knows about at least the first miscarriage. But I also recognize that the newly expecting (especially in the second trimester where they have been assured that everything is progressing as it should) are starry eyed and in a bubble. They are excited to share their news with those whom they love, and a can only imagine that those people will be as thrilled as they are.

But... shit. That was it for me. I think I did a good job of faking my fun and enthusiasm through the second game of bowling. But I was counting the frames as they slowly crawled by. Friend unintentionally dragging it out, as she would wait to take her turn until her preferred ball was available.

Happy 35th birthday. Fuck.

ER day

Retrieval went okay today.

III had a bit of a tantrum this morning at the clinic. He forgot that he had to give a 'sample'. He thought it was the next visit. Really? You have a medical background- how did you think they were going to inseminate my eggs in five days AFTER all the testing? That is being done because of an inversion that YOU have? He was all irritated and kind of obnoxious to me- I'm guessing he *ahem* took some time to himself this morning. Ugh. Men. I was pissed that he was acting all annoyed with me- why do I have to be the expert in all of this??? This is our FOURTH egg retrieval! I'm the one who has to rearrange my whole schedule for the week because I'm out of commission today! Get your act together, Man! And if you don't, don't take it out on me.

I'm guessing all went well, because when he returned from taking care of business he was much calmer. Maybe he was worried he wouldn't be able to pull it off twice in a row. Whatever. I'm not feeling very sympathetic to tell you the truth.

So they got 13 eggs. I'm a little disappointed- in the past they've been able to get up to twenty. I know Dr. Z scaled back the meds so that I wouldn't have such a high estrogen level, but considering only 6 out of the 20 last time were normal, it makes me a little nervous. Don't get me wrong- I'm well aware that I am LUCKY to produce so many eggs. But it's pretty much the only thing we've been lucky in.

Did I mention my insurance company still hasn't reimbursed us the $5000 for PGD from our cycle 9 months ago? That's a whole other story. I have to call them again tomorrow, not only to check on that, but to tell them that it's all starting again!

Sorry this is such a cranky post. I'm feeling crampy and crappy and tomorrow is going to be a crazy busy day in which I'm sure I'll feel like I want to be in bed. Hopefully it will be made better by a good insemination report... please, please, please..... :(

Bittersweet birthday

My birthday is one week from today.

I'm not a huge birthday person. I'm not one of those people who goes around telling people that my birthday is coming up or throws myself parties...

But I like that one's birthday is "your day". A day just to celebrate yourself. So I like when my parents call me to wish me a happy one or my husband brings me a gift.

This year, though... this year I definitely have some mixed feelings about my birthday.

First of all... it's my 35th. How the hell did that happen??? I'm THIRTY FIVE YEARS OLD. Not only is that halfway through my thirties (wasn't just in DC celebrating my thirtieth with my girlfriends???) but, as all of us in this ttc/IF hell know, I am now of ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE. Awesome. If I finally do get pregnant, I will be, by medical standards, an old mom.

Oh, and that whole getting pregnant thing? Brings me to another interesting point about my 2010 birthday...

It looks like my transfer will be that day. I was hoping my retrieval would be tomorrow, but they wanted me on stims for one more day. So my retrieval is Monday, and with the PGD they do a 5dt. If I have done my counting right, that puts my transfer on Saturday.

Could be a great birthday present, right? Or, depending on the outcome of our PGD, could be the worst one ever.

Adding to all of this.... the day after my birthday would have been my official (singleton) due date for my last pregnancy. Which means if my twin pregnancy had progressed as hoped, I would have already been a mom on this, my 35th birthday.

So... my feelings are definitely mixed. But to be honest, leaning more towards the negative not-looking-forward-to-it side. I feel old. I can't believe I'm still going through all of this ttc stuff. And I just don't have any room left for hope. Of course, I WANT this to work out-I want to think there is a chance- or I wouldn't still be trying. But "hope"? I just can't go there this time.

Plodding along...

Today is CD10. In past cycles, it is around now that I'd have my ER. However, with my last cycle, my E2 levels maxed at close to 7000, which is higher than my doc is comfortable with. So he scaled back my meds this cycle. Things are progressing, just slower than usual. I had thought I'd probably have my ER between Thurs and Sat, but today's u/s and bw (the third for this cycle) put me at only 1700 with 8 measurable follicles (I make tons of follicles. It is the one thing that has gone right every time...) so they dropped my brav.elle by 75 (one vial) for tonight and tomorrow and it's back to the clinic on Friday morning. So, if on Friday I'm "ripe", that would mean a Sunday retrieval. If we go into next week it's going to be a pain in the ass for scheduling, but I guess it is what it is. I'm just feeling impatient. I'm ready to get this show on the road. The upside is that the later things go, the better a beta will fit in with our trip. We'll most likely definitely be away on the desired beta day, but there will be fewer days between that and the day I actually have the beta.

I am almost done with my subbing job. The regular teacher plans to return next Wednesday. I am looking forward to being finished, sleeping in, and focusing back on some of the plans I had for this leave of absence.

Let's be honest. The sleeping in part is what I'm most excited for. ;)