G-man's arrival

Wednesday (the 17th) I saw my OB. She told me that I was 1.5 cm dilated and over 50% effaced. She speculated that I might have the baby early. I was like “Oh really?” but didn’t really think much of it. I don’t know why, but I never really thought I’d go early. I kind of figured I’d definitely be one of those first time moms who went past 40 weeks.

I went home and took a nap, and when I woke up at around 5, I was having very regular and uncomfortable (but not yet painful) contractions. I called the OB on call, and she suspected early labor, so she suggested I wait a while. Ten minutes later, I felt like the contractions were getting more painful, and decided I’d rather go to the hospital.

On the drive to the hospital, the pain really ramped up. We arrived at labor and delivery around 7:45, and they had me fill out some forms (not fun while having contractions) and put me in triage, where they determined I was 4cm dilated. At this point, I was also starting to really hurt. They transferred me to a private delivery room.

That was about 8pm. With the next two or three contractions, I was in A LOT of pain and kind of freaking out. I think I started to have a panic attack… Luckily, the anesthesiologist came in then. He gave me a spinal and an epidural. As they kicked in, my contractions got shorter, but they were still really painful. The anesthesiologist gave me a bolus, but an hour later there was more pain again so they increased my epidural.

The OB came in to check me around 10:30pm. I was 6cm dilated and as she was checking I felt a pop as my water broke. They told us to rest as much as we could, that now we were just waiting for my cervix to finish dilating.

I had trouble sleeping because the epidural had made me itchy, but I wasn’t in pain anymore. I rested and dozed as III slept. At 2am the nurse came in and determined I was over 9cm. She told me the OB was doing an emergency c-section, and would check on my around 3:15 and that it probably would be time to push. And sure enough, she came in right at 3:15- I was completely dilated and they started me pushing. They told me it could take 2-3 hours… but then with my next two contractions both the nurse and the OB commented on how quickly it was progressing. After probably 4 rounds of contractions, they told me “Don’t push now until we tell you- we have to get our gear on.” So they put on their gowns and masks, had me push again… and there was a baby!!! (Less than 20 minutes of pushing!) III was totally dazed. It was super surreal… I looked at him and said “Oh my god. We have a baby!”

They took him to be cleaned up. They suctioned him out and he started breathing and pinked up. His eyes were wide open and he was looking around. But he wasn’t crying. In fact, he didn’t cry at all! The nurses seemed puzzled but not concerned- even without the crying, everything else was good and he scored a 7 on his first apgar. He was 6lbs 6oz with a full head of black hair!

He’s now 11 days old, and sometimes it still feels surreal. I finally have a baby. MY BABY. Which, as most of you know, comes with a whole new set of worries. But I am finally a mommy. And III is a daddy.

In fact, he most amazing thing is seeing him with III. A friend said “Are you surprised at how much you love him?” and I told her, no, but I am in awe of how much III does. I have never seen my husband so enamored and happy. He carries him around and talks to him and sings to him. At 4 days old little G-man already knew his daddy’s voice and would look for him when he hears it. My heart could burst from the love.

Welcome to our little G-man. It took a lot of work and tears to get you here, but you were well worth the wait. xo

37w6d...

...is what I'd be today.

But the baby arrived on Thursday! Surprise!!!

I never thought I'd go early, but I guess we can't predict! Everyone is doing great, but we're all pooped. He's conked out in his bouncy chair, so I'm going to take a nap. I promise to be back as soon as I can to share the whole story. :)

All about me?

Since early to mid 2nd trimester, I've been participating on an online pregnancy message board that is organized by birth month. There are good things and bad things about those online communities, but in this case I've actually made a few good connections with other women- one who is currently a neighbor of mine, who I have hung out with a few times. Two others live in the city where we will be moving! It's nice to have made some connections there with women who will have babies (both boys as well!) the same age as mine.

One of the women is in the hospital with her little one now... long story short, they learned during the second trimester that their baby had some birth defects. At the time, there was some concern that they would be severe enough that the pregnancy would not be successful- there was even talk of terminating. As she progressed into 3rd trimester, the doctors began to feel that, even though he would need surgery and extra attention when he was born, her baby had a good chance at coming out of everything fine.

For various reasons, they induced her this weekend. (at around 37w.) It was not a very successful induction, and they ended up having to do a c/s- her baby was born and it was discovered that he has some additional concerning issues. I don't know the specifics, because all of these updates have come from a few other women on the message board who are in touch with her by text. There has been no news since this morning.

I'm having a hard time thinking about anything but her and her baby. I know that I tend to be almost overly empathetic- I get wrapped up in the stories of people I don't even know. In this case, I've gotten to know her a bit through the internet, but have never met her. In some ways, it feels kind of crazy how concerned I am for her and her little boy.

Though, if I'm being totally honest (and what is an anonymous blog for if not to be totally honest) there is a part of me that is concerned for me in this situation. (Ugh. It makes me cringe to even type that. Like it's all about me!!!) I really like everything I've learned about this woman, and we have quite a lot in common. It's been one of the few things I've been looking forward to with our move- getting to meet her and anticipating spending time together. If something terrible happens with her son, I know that won't happen. I couldn't blame her- how could she watch my son grow and thrive when hers didn't. That would be hard to do with someone with whom you had an established friendship, not to mention someone from the internet who you've never met. So there is a part of me that is worried about what this means to our potential friendship.

I know that even without that I'd be feeling very concerned for her. I know because it's been true with other women on the message board, and even blogs I've read for the first time only after reading about it on LFCA. But it makes me feel kind of ashamed that I even am bringing my petty concerns into the situation, even in my own head.

Send out some thoughts and prayers for my message board friend and her little boy, please! I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine and find great friends in my new city. But no one should have to go through this with their sweet baby, and I really am wishing for a quick and full recovery for her son.

What's going on

As I mentioned in a previous post, there's something big going on with us. It's kind of making me miserable, which kind of pisses me off. Why can't I just have a short time when things are easy and perfect???

If you've been with me a while, you may have read the background in this post. We did spend last summer in City B, and with the one year anniversary of his transplant coming up, III's dad is doing really well. But III still hates it here and he still misses his family and friends.

Because the economy has been so bad, III had told me that it would probably be a year, or even two or three before we even had the option of being transferred. Which was completely fine with me.

Mid-June, on a Wednesday morning, III told me that he recently found out that a transfer may be more imminent. Because of the baby, we talked about potentially taking his name off of the list for a transfer temporarily... that would have given us at least 6 months to a year before it came up.

Later that day, before we could do anything, he got the call that the transfer was approved. And we had to give a yes or a no by noon the next day.

That was a bad day.

If we had turned down the transfer, we would not be offered another for at least two years. If we took the transfer, and then changed our mind, we would not be offered another for at least four years. III decided it was time to "shit or get off the pot", as they say. He said if we didn't do it now, we'd never do it, so two years of four years wasn't going to make any difference.

So he accepted. And we've been seeing our therapist weekly since then hashing it out. We were supposed to be spending that time exploring the pros and cons of both staying and going, but that's never really what happened. It basically turned into operation get-me-to-agree-to-city-B.

At our last appointment, our therapist asked how I felt about the whole thing. I told her "I'm not thrilled, but I just don't feel like I have a choice."

So in mid-November we're moving. We're leaving this city I love. The city where I felt at home the first minute my plane touched down almost seventeen years ago. The city where I've developed my own 'family'. The city I know the ins and outs of. Where I have educated over one thousand children. Where all my connections are. We're leaving the home we made together- our first marital home. The little insulated life we have created here.

We're moving. To a city where I know nearly no one- and absolutely no one who is not somehow already connected to my husband. Where my in-laws, who mean well but drive me crazy and just don't get me, live. Where they will have constant expectations about and input into our lives.

I fully understand the benefits of this move for our family. I understand how this is going to be good for our baby. But when I asked III to make me a "pros" list of what benefits there are for me- just me as an individual- he couldn't even come up with one.

I know I'll be okay. I am an extrovert who makes friends easily. I'm having a baby, which will be an automatic "in" to making new connections. I'm not one to sit on my butt and mope and feel isolated and sorry for myself. But I'm devastated to be leaving my home.

Our house goes on the market next week. They are having an open house on Sunday. The realtor sent a "stager" in this week. She spent both days packing up all of our 'clutter' and moving our furniture around. I ended both days in tears, and now I'm living in a space I hate. This is not my home. I am not comfortable in my own house. I can only hope it sells quickly to someone who is willing to wait to move in until November so that we can put it back the way it belongs.

So that's what's going on. The fear and sadness that is hanging over my head as I try to prepare for the most joyous experience in my life.

I know it will be okay. I just wish it wasn't happening right now.

Four weeks to go!

Well, to my due date...

I'm super excited to meet my little boy, I'm kind of sad at the thought of no longer being pregnant.

I have really liked being pregnant. Yes, my hips are killing me and I can't wait to sleep on my stomach again, but I love how connected I feel to him. I love feeling him roll around and hiccup and push out on my belly from the inside (even when it hurts). I like that strangers are excited for me and there is such a sense of anticipation around our family right now.

I've been waiting for this baby for years and years, and am so happy that he will be here soon. But a big part of me will definitely miss no longer being a pregnant lady.