MEN!!!!!

III and I are on vacation right now... so beautiful and warm!!! But right after we got here, I could hardly enjoy it because I was so PISSED at him!!!!!!!!!

He had told me he was going away for training the first week of April. I will be 18 weeks that week, and so was supposed to set up my anatomy scan. Since he was going to be away, I set it up for the following week- April 12. I also had to see my OB for an official appointment (as opposed to the keeping-me-sane-heartbeat-check-appointments) that first week of April.I set that up for the Thursday before. He wouldn't come to that appointment, but I wanted to have it while he was in town... well, just in case.

Right after we checked into the hotel, I got an email with my work schedule for next week. I am working all day Friday and all day Saturday. I mentioned to him that he better soak up his time with me this week, because then I'll be working and then he'll be away. He replied "It's a whole week before I leave for training after we get back, so I'm sure we'll have plenty of time together."

Turns out he CHANGED HIS TRAINING. He is going the FOLLOWING week and just FORGOT TO TELL ME!!!!!!! He knew we had an appointment on the 12th, but... I don't know. Just ... forgot! ARGH. I am SO ANNOYED (as I am sure you can tell). So. Mad.

I called today and had to push our big ultrasound to the 18th. So that adds almost a whole week to my wait. Awesome for someone who has had major anxiety through this pregnancy. Thanks, husband.

I know that some level of my annoyance is probably due to hormones. But still. I want to give him a massive dope slap right now.

Baby steps

KB was out of town for two weeks. Tomorrow, III and I leave for a week's vacation. So she and I had to squeeze in a visit in between our vacations.

But KB is always busy. So she squeezed me in. Two hours of shopping this weekend.

While at the mall, she insisted we go into Mother.hood Mat.ernity. I have bought some clothes online (since my "real" clothes either don't fit or fit uncomfortably) but had only one kind of uncomfortable foray into a maternity store. (It was actually a baby G.ap with a couple of racks of maternity clothing in the back.)

So we looked at the stuff and I tried a few things on... I ended up just buying two t-shirts and two tank tops.

It felt a little weird to be in that shop, but I was doing okay. Even when I got to the register and the cashier asked for my due date. But then she asked me "would you like to receive coupons for the baby and free gifts like diapers and formula in the mail?" And I froze. KB answered for me "Yes, she does." Then I was asked whether I wanted a free issue of Parenting Magazine and I quickly said "NO."

Things have been going well. I just heard the heartbeat again today and it was strong. I'm getting fatter. Even my anxiety has let up a bit. (Clearly my doctor was right about increasing my Pro.zac dose.) Everything is how it should be.

But that voice is still there. Quiet now, but still in the back of my head... I imagine it behind my right ear, near that little hollow where my neck tendon connects to my skull. "A baby is a long ways away. A lot can still go wrong. What if there is no baby in September?" I am trying to stay positive and even have days that I'm excited... but imagining the worst happening and then getting an issue of Parenting Magazine every month... I just couldn't go there.

I guess it's all about baby steps... which I suppose is fitting in this situation.

Where is that energy surge???

First of all, I have to say that you guys are the best. Thanks for all the support on my last post. I know it's hard to want to be pregnant so badly and then hear/read a pregnant woman complaining about her symptoms/issues. But in the moment, no matter how badly you want to be pregnant, it sucks to be throwing up all day every day. It sucks to have to go to work when you are exhausted from growing things in your uterus. It sucks to have panic attacks so regularly that you can't function. It's beautiful and miraculous to be pregnant and growing a baby. But a lot of the side effects? Suck. Regardless of how long it took to get there.

Moving on.

Speaking of exhaustion... that was my main physical symptom with this pregnancy. A little queasiness weeks 6-10, sore boobs... but the overwhelming tiredness was definitely the most noticeable.

You're supposed to get this new surge of energy in the second trimester. Or at least get back to "yourself" which feels like a surge after the sleepy first. Well, I know I'm barely into the second trimester... but I haven't had that surge yet. I just slept for ten hours and could easily crawl back into bed for a nap. I don't know how I would function if I was teaching this year. I feel bad for III... he's been very tolerant of his couch potato wife. Making dinner most nights and putting up with the mess in the house, when he could, in all fairness, be like "What do you DO all day????"

So that's where I am now. Waiting for my energy surge. Bring it on!!!

Not all rainbows and unicorns...

I'm finding myself in a weird place in terms of my relationship with the online IF and loss communities.

I've been recently following a message board that is women who are pregnant after loss. I have also been a regular reader of LFCA since someone submitted my blog after my first miscarriage. I joined the IF blogging community, as well as the aforementioned message board, in order to share with women who understand what I've gone through. To seek support and to help support others.

However, I've gotten to a point where my anxiety is getting in the way of the second half of that. I'm at a point where, whenever I read about someone else's loss (especially if it is at a point past where I currently am in my pregnancy) it causes a physical anxiety reaction. I've been trying to be really positive lately and remind myself that everything is going well and looks normal. To read about others' losses after what seems to be a normal pregnancy chips away at that (attempted) positivity. The other day, to take away the panicky feeling I had after reading another recent loss story, I made myself go to my facebook friends list and start counting friends who had healthy pregnancies and children. (I counted 100 by the time I got to the Js.)

On the message board I read, one woman suggested it was selfish for people to avoid the loss posts- that they would want the support if the situation was reversed so they should put aside their feelings and anxieties to support posters who have had a recent loss. All I can think is that this particular poster has never dealt with severe anxiety.

Let me tell you- everyone worries. Everyone gets anxious. But if you have never had ruminating anxiety- if you have never had a panic attack... you don't get it. I have had a number of comments on this blog saying "I wish I was in your position and had something to be anxious about." I certainly understand reading about someone's ART success and thinking "I wish I was where you are," even when they are complaining about morning sickness or back pain or uncomfortable nights. I feel so lucky to be fourteen weeks pregnant right now, and will readily push through whatever I need to with this anxiety to get to my baby. But I will tell you- you do NOT wish you had my experience. You may wish you were pregnant. And you may think you would gladly take the panic and anxiety to get there. But that tells me you've never had that level of anxiety.

Maybe that sounds contradictory. Maybe it pisses you off for me to say that. But there is no way I can make you understand what I am going through if you have never experienced it. I have learned through years of having an anxiety disorder that people who haven't been there don't get it. Just like I don't know what it's like for my sister who has fibromyalgia when she has a flare up. Just like I don't know what it's like for my mom who has asthma when she has an attack. I can not make you understand what it's like to be driving to my OB appointment in a full panic attack, convinced that somehow something has gone wrong and unable to control either my thoughts or my physical panic symptoms. I can not explain to you how it feels to have a constant worry in the back of my mind that something is going wrong. CONSTANT. I've had an anxiety disorder my whole life, and I don't even think I was prepared for what this would be like once I was in a continuing pregnancy.

I hope all of you have success. I hope you get to experience morning sickness and back pain and restlessness. Even anxiety if that's part of your process. But please don't minimize what these all entail for a pregnant woman, just because she's getting a baby at the end. It may all be worth it, but it doesn't mean it's easy when you're in the throes of it.

There's actually a baby in there!

Continued spotting and ongoing twinges led me to call my OB again who sent me to the high-risk u/s doctor. (Who, by the way, was A MILLION times better than the doctor at the other u/s place I would otherwise go to...)

Baby is measuring 14 weeks with a heartbeat of 154. We don't know what is causing the spotting, but the doctor said it could even be leftover from when I had the bleeding at 6w.

I left with pictures- for the first time they showed more than a little blob in a cavity.
III said it looks like a potato with a head. All I can focus on is that sweet little nose.

I still have my OB appointment on Monday, but this should definitely get me through the weekend and then some. (I hope.)

Update

I've been meaning to post, but I've been having a rough week.

Don't worry. Everything is okay.

My anxiety is still been pretty overwhelming. I don't think I even really realized it until yesterday when I met for my psychopharm followup with Dr. F. In her words, I am "still in a lot of distress." I'm not having panic attacks- the klonopin has really helped with that. And when I say that, I mean just having the klonopin. I can count on my fingers the number of times I've taken it (and half of those times I only took half of a tablet), but just knowing I have it if I need it helps. If you have ever had anxiety issues, you know that the prospect of having an anxiety or panic attack can cause an anxiety or panic attack in itself. It's reassuring to know I have a tool I can use if I need to, and just knowing that makes it so often I don't need to.

But the ongoing, underlying anxiety is taxing. I am tired of being scared. I wish I could take it away, but that's not a reasonable expectation. But Dr. F says I am still in more 'distress' than is normal or healthy, so she increased my prozac dosage just a bit. I don't have a problem with taking the slightly higher dose, I'm just feeling skeptical about whether it will work. Unfortunately, as with many SSRIs, it can take up to a month to know for sure if it is working.

In the meantime, I've been having brown spotting for the last four days, so that's just awesome for my anxiety. III and I had sex on Saturday, so that is likely the cause. I had a heartbeat scan on Monday (more on that in a minute) and also spoke with my nurse (I have seen and spoken with this nurse, MJ, so often now I am thinking of her as "mine") on Wednesday. She said not to worry unless the bleeding is red and heavy enough that it "saturates a pad". They told me I could come in, but I had my appointment with Dr. F so I told her I'd call today if I still felt like I needed to. I have an appointment with my OB on Monday anyway, so...

During my heartbeat scan on Monday, it took over two minutes to find the heartbeat. F R E A K I N G O U T. But she found it. My first hb scan, she found it way down by my pubic bone. Last week, it was a little further up and to the left. This week, right below my belly button. MJ and I agreed that this baby is going to be a little shit- just like daddy, I guess!

Yeah, III has been a shit for the last week. I don't know what the hell his problem is, but you'd think he was the one with the pregnancy hormones giving him mood swings. Last night he went to bed before me and fell right to sleep, and when I got into bed I just wanted to punch him in the face. If it wouldn't make it worse, I would have woken him up to make him listen to why I was mad. But I didn't. Today, I cleaned up the whole downstairs (with the exception of vacuuming). So he better fucking be in a good mood, or we're going to have a serious problem. Especially if all he mentions is that I didn't vacuum.

Oh, and we told our parents. But I'll have to save that for another post.