Clearly, I have much more to say today...

...because this post is much longer than yesterday's.

B-dog has her last treatment today. This is nice because when she has treatment I have to leave the house at 6am and drive in the opposite direction that I would drive to go to work. I do love having her in the car though. She loves to sit next to me, and as long as we're driving she's super calm. If I pet her or scratch her chin, she is so happy and just leans into me. I just love that dog so damn much. M-dog has been super cuddly lately too. He comes over and puts his head in my lap so that I will rub his ears. In the mornings, he comes and lays on the rug in the bathroom while I do my makeup so he can be close by. I'm so in love with my dogs!

My neighbors, on the other hand, suck. Not all of them- just one in particular. We live at a T-intersection. We live at the top of the T, and this neighbor lives along the vertical part of the T, (does that make sense?), two houses away. There is some discussion around the neighborhood about whether he is a 'user'. III has some concerns about that as well, because of some habits he appears to have. Aside from that, though...he and his high school son play catch in the street. The son throws the ball, and the dad "catches" it- except he doesn't. So the ball regularly goes into our yard. Which wouldn't be a big deal- except they've hit our cars, our porch, and set III's work car alarm off multiple times. The other day I heard a huge BANG. The dogs went nuts. I oped the door, and saw them outside. The father was retrieving the ball from our yard and then walked away without a word. I stood there in the doorway with the dogs going nuts... and he finally turned around and said "Whoops. The ball bounced." I looked at the door- there was a dent in our steel door. FINALLY they decided maybe they should throw the other way- away from our house.

But it was too late. Now, III is PISSED. In the past, when they have hit something and he's called out to ask them to be a little more careful, we haven't really gotten a positive response. (We actually don't get much of a response... more of a "yeah, yeah...") He knew there was a good chance he would lose his temper if he went over there, especially if the dad was rude or dismissive. So yesterday, while working on a case with the local police, he spoke to them about what they thought he should do. Apparently, our town has some sort of community outreach at the PD that helps with neighbor disputes. So he called the outreach, told them who he was, and explained the situation. So I guess they are going to talk to our neighbor. I'm a little wary... I understand why he didn't want to go over there, but I kind of feel like if the PD came knocking on our door about a situation like that, I'd wonder why the person didn't just come talk to me themselves. III is trying to avoid issues with the neighbor, but hopefully this solution doesn't cause additional issues...

I have a beta on Monday. I've just been exhausted this week. At first, I thought it was just adjusting from being back from vacation. Then I realized- I felt like this around the same time last cycle. So while the meds don't seem to give me specific side effects while I'm taking them, they seem to change my cycle enough that a) I'm exhausted beginning about 8 dpo and b) I'm definitely crankier and moodier. I don't really get much PMS under regular circumstances, but the last two cycles I definitely have some PMS-y symptoms.

Of course, I won't know for sure whether or not I'm pregnant. If I do end up pregnant, it may be too early for anything in my body to have changed enough to eliminate those symptoms. Or it could be causing my symptoms. I'm not super optimistic that this cycle will be successful, but I do have a smidgen of hope. According to Dr. Z, there is no known reason why we shouldn't be able to get pregnant with IUI... luckily, if it doesn't work again this time, he is proactive enough to move us along to a procedure with a higher probability of success.

One more day to the weekend. Four days to beta. Thirty seven (school) days until summer break!!!

I won't mince words.

I'm really tired.

I really want summer to be here.

I really want to be pregnant.

That's all I've got today...

My not-shower gift

I recently found this blog- another fellow IF-er. I love her not-shower idea! It reminds me of that S.ex and the C.ity episode with Carrie and the shoes...

So, after posting about my art work woes yesterday, this morning I bought myself a not-shower gift.

You can click on the photo to go to the artist's online e.tsy shop.

It should go with my dining room decor perfectly. :)

Doctor stuff...

I had an appointment with Dr. Z's PA yesterday- my IUI post op appointment.

• Only one mature follicle for last IUI
• I asked if the fact that I was producing only one is a bad sign, and she said no- I am producing many small follicles, so Dr. Z has been reserved with his dosage. It just means I'm not super sensitive to the meds and need higher doses.
  
• Ok numbers (but not great) for sp.erm samples
• DNA came back (I had the wrong test. It wasn't SC.SI it was SD.FA)
• Dr. Z would like to move us up to an IVF for next cycle (if I'm not pregnant this cycle)

I talked to III and we decided to do it. I'm nervous because I feel like it's so much more involved. The PA told me that, since I didn't have any side effects on the Clo.mid or Bra.velle the previous cycles, it's unlikely I'd have major side effects from higher doses or from Lu.pron. I put a call into the nurse and left a message, but I need more details on the timeline. The way the PA explained it makes it so that my transfer may fall around the last few days of school.... this could be tricky, as the last 2 days with kids are specific activities/ceremonies. Missing them would be frowned upon (and I'd feel bad...). But I guess we have to do what we have to do...

I also called today to make an appointment with my PCP for my yearly physical. My insurance won't allow me to have a pap until July (1 year since my last) . However, my doc doesn't have any physical appointments until NOVEMBER!!! Ok, that's ridiculous. Plus, she moved her office- she's now right in the middle of downtown which is tricky, both to get to and to find parking. *sigh* I really, really, really love my doctor. I've followed her through 3 different offices. (This would be the fourth I saw her at.) I've always felt like she listens to me and takes my concerns seriously. But... this move, plus her schedule... now I'm thinking about throwing in the towel and getting a new doctor. There are two doctors at her old office (the first one I saw her at) who I liked when I saw her when my doc was on maternity leave. One of them is the doctor that my gyn (who I also love) sees as her PCP. I liked all the doctors at that office except one... I don't know... should I switch? I was going to see how my first appointment with her went, getting to her new office, but that was when I thought it was in the summer when I'd have a lot of flexibility, time wise. Now my appointment is a Tuesday in November...

Ay yai yai. What would you do?

ETA: I just called the other doctor's office... she is accepting new patients and the wait to see her for a physical is only a month...

Buying art

Even though we've been in our house for 2 1/2 years, we're still decorating.

Our dining room is still definitely a work in progress. It has definitely developed a wine theme, so I've been looking for decor that reflects that. When I was in CA last year, I saw a great painting that I thought would be wonderful for the big wall in the dining room. However, I'm terrible at making decisions on my own, especially when those decisions involve spending large amounts of money, so I skipped it.

Since then I've been looking for things that work. We found something inexpensive at Bed B.ath & Be.yond that fits well. I found these two paintings on et.sy.com that I thought would look great together on one of the shorter walls. Each canvas was square, and was a close up of a wine glass. One was a glass of white wine and one a glass of red. However, art's not cheap (and the art on et.sy is usually a pretty good deal, compared to buying art in a gallery) so, of course, I put them in my favorites list and decided to sit on it for a while.

Now they're gone. :( It seems that the artist took them off and they are no longer available. (When they sell, they stay on my favorites, listed as "SOLD". In that case, I can return to the artist's site and see what else is there- in this case I don't even remember who the artist was!)

I did find another that I liked. Something totally different... I put it on my list and am going to check with III tonight to see what he thinks of it. It's about $200, which compared to BB&B is high, but compared to what art generally costs is a good deal. I'm not sure III will agree, though...

I have a former students who is now in high school who is a phenomenal painter... maybe I could "commission" her to paint me some wine glasses...

Wedding pictures

I wanted to elope.

Well, maybe not a true elopement. I would have been happy to go to the Bahamas with III, his family and his best friend, KB, AL, and my immediate family. Unfortunately, my in-laws don't fly. That and other reasons led us to plan a standard, 100 person wedding in a hotel ballroom.

I hated all the planning. I stressed out. I couldn't wait for it to be over.

...but I loved the day. I wish I could remember every single moment off it flawlessly.

My classroom-neighbor's niece recently got engaged. She asked me about my dress and I spent half an hour on Mag.gie Sot.tero's website linking to dresses I thought she'd like.

III's cousin is getting married in September. I like perusing her wedding website and hearing about her wedding plans through my MIL.

Even my ex. It still bothers me that he's engaged (again) and their wedding draws closer and closer. I'm drawn to their wedding website. Damn internet. But I like looking at the pictures they post and am curious about their wedding. It's definitely a flaw.

All of these things make me nostalgic for planning a wedding. Which is odd considering how much I hated the planning.

Maybe it's the romance of it. The excitement. The interest of others. The anticipation.

We had a wonderful wedding. We had just the right number of guests- we were able to talk to everyone and still enjoy ourselves. I felt like a princess in my dress, with my hair and make up done. III looked so handsome in his tux (even with the divot in his head from dropping a piece of exercise equipment on it the previous day). We danced our asses off and neither of us could stop smiling all night long.

I love wedding pictures. Even those of people I don't know. Yesterday I teared up watching a clip from some girl's wedding on Say Yes To the Dress. LOL

So I've been looking at our pictures. The albums I worked so hard on. The pictures we have online. I was disappointed with my photographer for a number of reasons, but he got enough good shots for me to make an album. Plus, I had hundreds of shots from friends and family that they uploaded onto kodakgallery for me.

It's hard to look objectively- to see them as just wedding pictures. To look for the romance and the joy. I'm analyzing my hair, and my makeup (both artists did an amazing job...). Looking at how much thinner I was. Seeing III's divot...

But I love looking. I love remembering that day. I like to remind myself that it was mine. Mine and III's. We had a beautiful day and have beautiful memories of it. And now we have a beautiful life- really we do. There are things we still want. There are days that are hard. But we've got it pretty good over here. I've got it pretty good. What a lucky girl I am. :)

Major meltdown

Last night. I had one.

I'm a little embarrassed by my behavior, but it turned out for the best- stuff got out in the open and I think we both feel better.

I discovered last night that I have this unconscious passive aggressive thing... a light, innocent conversation draws pointed questions from me that can turn into more heated discussions. Not an attractive quality.

Anyway, to explain the whole thing would be a very long post. And I'm long winded to start with! I'll try to pare it down.

We went to dinner last night at a place we enjoy when there is good weather. They have a patio so we can sit outside. We had to wait for a table because it was so nice out, but it was worth the wait. We got a corner one near the creek and flowers.

We were talking about dates we'd had before we met... III was telling me about this one girl and stuff she did that turned him off... which led to discussing our first dates... and from there I don't know how it veered into current issues.

It got tense when we started talking about chores around the house and I told III I felt like he noticed when I didn't do stuff more than when I did do stuff. I said "Have you even noticed that I've been trying to be better and doing the dishes every day before you come home?" He said yes, and I said "No, you haven't." He stated he'd rather not discuss this in public at dinner. I said going out to dinner is the only time we sit down and turn our full attention to each other.

In the car he said "I'm sorry if you feel like I don't notice what you do around the house, but it's frustrating for me. It's like a big joke that I'm cleaner than you, but then I'm always doing stuff around the house- picking up poop and straightening up messes-" This is where I burst into tears and had my meltdown.

"I do a lot around the house too, and it seems like that doesn't even count! Then you come home in a bad mood every day and I don't know if it's work related or something that I have done (or not done) and you don't tell me! I just feel like everything SUCKS right now! I hate my job, you're always in a bad mood, I'm NOT getting pregnant even though I'm sticking myself daily with needles, and you don't pay attention to me or even notice that I feel like shit! I feel like I'm a bad wife but I'm never going to be able to do things the way you want me to." Then with a sob I added: "And my dog is dying!"

That shut him up pretty quickly. I sobbed the whole way home. And after we got home. He came over and hugged me and then pulled me over to sit on the couch. I told him "Housework-wise, I will never be the wife you want me to be."

He told me he was sorry that he's crabby so much. He said that, growing up as an only child and then living by himself for so long, he didn't think about how his mood would affect mine. That when he comes home and is in a bad mood and crabby and moody, he didn't think about how that would make me feel. He said that he knows he's a little OCD and that a lot of the stuff he gets irritated about around the house are such little things. That he loves me and he knows I have a hard job too, and that I do stuff for us that is important. He said "In terms of the pregnancy stuff, it's frustrating but we're doing everything we can do at this point. What I have to do each month isn't a big deal, and a lot of it is out of our control." And again, that he is sorry. I apologized too, but he said "you don't have anything to apologize for..." I was so worn out at that point I couldn't even put into words what I was sorry for, so I just went to bed.

This morning I cuddled up to him on the couch and told him, as I said in the beginning of this post, that it seems I was unconsciously passive-aggressive in the way I approached the conversation. I told him it's little things at the time that they happen, and then they build up but I'm not sure how or when to bring it up. And that I was sorry for the way I did it, because that wasn't fair either. He said it was okay, that it was good that it came out, and that he needs to pay closer attention to how his actions affect our household.

So all-in-all I guess it turned out to be a good thing. He hates when I cry, so in some ways I guess it's good that I'm a crier. It de-escalates the situation more quickly than if we were just arguing. And it's my genuine response, so I don't feel like I'm manipulating him with my tears. Unfortunately, it also makes it more difficult to think straight and formulate my thoughts, and leaves me stuffy and swollen for the rest of the night...

III also told me last night that he's joining a softball league with one of his coworkers that plays on Sunday evenings. He and his coworker are the only LEOs on the team, and it's the next town over. While that is usually 'us' time, I'm glad. It will be a physical outlet for him, and also hopefully help him to meet some people outside of work. I hope that will help him, as it's something to focus on that's not us and not work. I think he really needs that and it hopefully it will help him to unwind.

Vacation week coming to an end...

Today has been my last day of vacation. Okay, so that's not totally accurate. I still have the whole weekend before I have to go back to work. But it's my last day off that I would usually be at work.

I didn't get as much done as I'd hoped, but I did do some stuff. B-dog had blood work. I exchanged our broken cable box. I finished the start of a "family album". (It looks pretty good, if I do say so myself...) I made lemon chicken rice soup. Today was gorgeous out, so I hung out outside with the dogs and read a book. I didn't read nearly enough this break. I watched far too much tv. I took naps. ahhhh.

I'm just trying not to think about how I have to go back to work in two days. *sigh* I know I shouldn't complain- how many people get a scheduled week off in the middle of April? But I just need this year to be over. a good thing about being a middle school teacher is you get to start over in September.

Forty-one school days left until summer break. Two weeks until our state testing. So I'm hoping the next two weeks will be easy (test prep) and then I have a unit I often do at the end of the year. I have a final project for the last few weeks, but I have to decide if this group can handle it... I'm not convinced...

We're supposed to have great weather this weekend so I'm hoping III and I can do something outside. Maybe go into the city.

Happy weekend!

A photo essay.

Common sites around our house, these days...
If I had known for how long I'd be taking these, I would have bought in bulk...

And III's favorite...I'm sure plenty of you can relate...

Maybe I'm a weirdo...

I've spent the last two days with little kids. Yesterday, KB and I went to her friend's house to hang out. M was there and KB's friend's 2 kids, who are 2.5 and 1. We played with the alphabet puzzle.

Today, KB and I took M to the Children's Museum. How fun! M loved it there. She's 2 years, 3 months and is really starting to become such a little person. She's talking so much. She knows who I am and knows my name. She's so smart. She figured out my i.Pod T.ouch in about ten seconds. I love her like she was related to me by blood. I guess it makes sense, since KB feels more like a sister to me than my own sister.

One would think that this sort of thing would be too hard for me. I don't know if I'm just weird. Or maybe I'm just not "there" yet. But I just... I love kids. I love to be around kids. I definitely have that pang in my chest: "I want one!" And it's really hard to watch the parents who do things that I feel are... not ideal. Judgemental, I know. I recognize it's hard to do day to day... but it's how I feel.

Anyway. I enjoyed my "baby time". It's so frustrating to be going through all of this infertility stuff, but when I bury my face in M's hair and kiss her neck, or when she walks up to me and grabs a hold of my hand and says "Come on, A!"... well, it's the next best thing.

Still whining...

Thanks for the comments on the last post. I don't like to be a whiner, but I'm feeling whiny.

2nd IUI for this cycle today. Numbers weren't great either day. Oh well. Poor III. He sent me a text this morning after the drop off. "I don't think I gave good spooj today. It was a rough go this am." LOL. He's so eloquent. When I got there they told me it wasn't the best ever, but not the worst we've had. About 4 million total motile.

Anyway. On top of that I'm having some nether-regions issues. Some pain and discomfort. I don't know if it's related to the IUI or not. More likely, it's from one of two completely ttc-unrelated things. It could be from the hsv. I haven't had an outbreak in a very long time (I'm on suppressive meds for it). But I tend to get some nerve pains when I am getting one/have one/just got over one. Annoying. More likely, it's hemorrhoid related. Yeah, fun stuff... I've never been pregnant, but I still get the joy of hemorrhoids. Woo hoo! Even better, they tend to be internal. And joined by "fissures". So the result is nerve-like pains through my whole downstairs region.

So today I'm extra crabby. I am, however, on vacation for a week. So I can hang around and mope... I do have to make sure to do the dishes, so when III comes home he doesn't look at the sink and think "What did she do with her whole day?" At least then it looks like I did something...

Alone.

Today I am feeling sorry for myself.

Today I am feeling like no one understands.

Probably ridiculous.

I actually have an IRL friend who went through ART. She had something like 5 IVFs before she conceived her son.

A former coworker, with whom I'm still in touch, easily conceived her first baby. When they decided to try for a second, she conceived quickly but then miscarried. Even though she hasn't dealt with IF, that gave her new insight into how it might feel to have trouble conceiving. So she's been very concerned and sympathetic towards me.

KB has been great. I can't imagine a friend who hasn't been through the process being any more understanding and empathetic.

I have connected with some wonderful, strong women who have similar blogs, because they too are going through this crazy process, trying to be moms.

And obviously my husband is dealing with this too.

But today I feel like I'm by myself. No one has been through the exact same thing I have. 18 months TTC. HSG and EMB. Blood tests. 2 SAs. Unexplained infertility. Countless ultrasounds and blood draws. Ten strangers in the last six months who have been up in my *ahem* 'business'. 5 medicated cycles, four of them IUI (to date). 4 negative betas. That exact story is mine.

We are each in different situations. Some have been married for years, some for a short time. Some have close, involved families, others share little with those closest to them. Some have step children, some adopted children, some no children yet. Some have been dealing with infertility for years, others are new to the process.

None of our experiences are exactly the same. I feel guilty some days for feeling so despondent when I read other women's experiences of failed IVFs, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, OHSS, low ovarian reserve, severe MFI, unresponsive clinics... Those who have exhausted their options, whether by medical necessity, financial necessity or emotional necessity. Things I have not had to deal with...

So today I feel like no one can understand how I feel. That I am alone with my uncertainty, frustration and confusion.