Developing my heart.

Clearly needing some Kula lately...

Despite my recent and pervasive sadness and anger, I am grateful...

...that my parents are alive and well. (A friend of a friend recently lost both of her 50 yr old parents in the span of 3 weeks. My heart aches for her.)
...that my FIL is doing well and able to golf again. :-)
...that our decision to travel to see our ILs in their winter home in SC for our week-long winter vacation has thrilled them.
...for our house cleaners. They come every other week and yesterday was the day. It's so nice to walk into a freshly cleaned house!
...that Peanut has become very attached to me and is the biggest cuddle bug!
...that I am feeling well in the midst of the H1.N1 outbreak in my school.
...for the seasonal flu shot, which I will get for free today thanks to my school system.
...for my awesome students this year. There are a lot of things that are wrong with my school right now, but the kids I have this year are thoughtful, diligent, and sweet!
...for my weekends!!!! Looking forward to sleeping in, knitting, and relaxing!
...for III. I am constantly grateful that we found each other.

I'm so tired of being sad

I miss B so much it actually is a physical pain. I was just looking at pictures of her and watching a few videos I had... it just feels unfathomable to me that she is gone forever. I want her back with me. I want to hug her and have her lean against my side. I want to watch tv while she sits on my feet. I want to take her in the car and let her smell the air rushing by. I can't put into words how much I miss her. I feel like the feeling will never go away. And I hate that there is nothing I can do about it.

Yesterday, I also had a former student on my mind. He died about a year and a half ago from a flu that turned into pneumonia that was then complicated by MR.SA. A sweet, amazing (if dorky) kid who was smart, super talented, and just so positive and happy. I'm sure he got picked on... he had a 'rat tail' for years and such a goofy laugh. But he didn't care- he was always nice to other kids and was completely happy with who he was. When he died, kids said things about him that I wish they would have told him while he was alive. He amazed and touched people during his short time here. I know he would have done amazing things with his life. His seventeenth birthday would have been next week.

I'm having a hard time not thinking about the fact that I would have been pregnant. That I would have been starting to tell people. I want to do something right now about it, but I have to wait for my period, and then all the tests and appointments.

I feel like I should be feeling better by now. I feel like I should be snapping out of this funk. But I'm not. I want to do something to make it stop... but I don't know what to do.

Giving thanks...

I just wanted to say a quick thank you to all of you for the comments you leave me on my posts. As shitty as I've been feeling, I always get a little thrill when I see I have a comment on a post I've written, and often your thoughts and wishes make me smile, even if only for a moment. I really appreciate all of you. It makes a very lonely, isolating situation seem a little less so.

Thank YOU!!!

I may need to rethink this...

What I did today
Walk the dogs
Feed the dogs
Shower, dress, eat, make lunch
... all before 6:30am.
Drive
Morning extra math help for 8 students
Homeroom
Team meeting
Parent meeting
(Parent informs me that her child needs every step for every topic written out in order to be successful... uh-huh.)
Math meeting with administrator about curriculum, NC.LB and A.YP
... all before 9:30am.
Teach a class
Photo copy for tomorrow
Brief meeting with administrator about NC.LB and A.YP
Crunch state testing numbers for parent from previous meeting
Teach a class
Email parent from previous meeting (while eating my PB&J lunch)
... all before noon.
Teach a class
Teach a class
Faculty meeting
Crunch state testing numbers for other students doing poorly
... all before 4pm.
Drive home
Crunch more numbers while sitting outside with the dogs while they burn off energy...

What I didn't do today (that I should have)
Grade my stack of tests
Grade quiz corrections
Return 2 parent emails
Write weekly mass parent email
Photocopy quizzes

I don't know if I can keep doing this job. I feel like there is more and more asked and not enough time in the day or money in the budget to get done what we need to get done. I love working with my kids, but the other parts of the job... I just can't keep up.

But I don't know what else I would do... :(

It feels like a list day.

• Today I'm feeling sad that I'm not pregnant.
• I opened up to III this weekend and told him I had this feeling of sadness and despair that seems to lie under the surface, even on happy days and times when I'm enjoying myself.
• I think III has a bit of that too, but I think he doesn't even realize it. He blames it on Peanut or on work, but I think he is more sensitive to the negative things there because of the shitty things that have gone down with us lately.
• Peanut is doing so much better. But she's still having accidents in the house, which I suspect now has to do with lack of consistency in her bathroom schedule. There was a lack of consistency because of how much she had to go after the deworming. Now that that's getting better, I'm hoping she'll fall into more of a routine and stop pooping on the floor.
• Speaking of pooping on the floor, I started my morning yesterday at 6 o'clock by stepping toes first into a pile of dog shit. Nice.
• I'm excited because KB found out she is having a boy.
• I'm depressed because these were milestones we were supposed to be going through together.
• I'm frustrated because I am waiting for my period to start so we can do something.
• Mondays always make the week seem like it is stretching endlessly out before me, with too much to do.
• I have too much to do, but I'm blogging instead of doing it.
• When I go home, I have too much to do but I'm knitting instead of doing it. I finished the back of a sweater for III and am worried I'll spend all this time on it and he won't want to wear it or it won't fit. I'm also working on a hat for me and the Bi.g B.ad Ba.by Blan.ket. I'm not sure who that's for... I had initially planned it to be for myself. I think I'm going to make one for KB, but I think I want to use more 'boy colors'.
  
• The test I posted on Thursday is here. I also took an interesting relationship test here. I took a general stress test too, but it claimed it was going to email me the results and never did. Oh, and I took a procrastination test that said I'm a moderate procrastinator who is in danger of becoming a bigger procrastinator.
  
• I'm having some bowel issues today. I think the apple I ate upset my colon. Why does that happen? I have such a sensitive digestive system...
• Halfway through Monday... I'll get there.
  

Stress test

I found this on a site as I was perusing infertility groups...

Infertility Stress Test Results
Your total score is: 28

Generally you feel in control of your emotions but your experience with infertility is starting to wear on you. If you are starting to feel isolated by infertility you should consider reaching out to the support network you already have available to you including your partner, family, friends and the medical professionals who are working with you. While it can be difficult to share feelings of fear, frustration or disappointment, maintaining strong, open and honest relationships will help you fend off distress during this difficult period in your life.

If you feel you cannot share your feelings with loved ones, we recommend that you look into other avenues for emotional support. Left unchecked, feelings of isolation and depression usually increase but you can take steps to improve your mood, your outlook on fertility treatment and the outcome of treatment too.

Family secrets

I got the strangest piece of information this weekend (and when I say piece, I mean piece as in 'un-whole'...) and I'm not sure what to do with it- if anything.

What leads up to it is a very, very long complicated story involving my dad's brother (who is now his 'sister'- lets call her Y) and possible mental illness with not only Y (totally separate from the gender stuff) but possibly my grandmother, as well as discontent and senility in my grandfather.

Y recently told my dad and their other brother that she no longer would be attending any family events, holidays, functions, dinners... anything. I am very close with Y's daughter, and she has stopped attending family functions because she is also estranged from Y due to Y's behavior and selfishness. With this new development, I thought this might change for my cousin, so, I asked my dad for more information about Y's reasons for her decision.

It turns out, Y wrote my dad a four page letter expressing why she no longer wanted to associate with the family. (Part of the very long, complicated story.) In the letter, she was expressing to him that clearly she has shown her love for my dad, but he has not shown his to her in return. (Again... to go into this would be too long, but let's just say that this alleged attitude from my dad has been brought on by Y's behavior.)

Anyway... to get to the point, in the email to which the letter was attached, my dad said "this is for you to read and not to share ...Let me know if you have any questions." The letter was lots of accusations and excuses, but one of the sentences in the letter said: "I am the same person who... when (my grandfather), very inappropriately and most offensively questioned your lineage, immediately cut him off in anger and said you were who I grew up with and I would always love you."

Whoa. What?

I read it to III and III had no comment. My family can be a little too crazy for his tastes.

I IMed with my dad after I read the letter, but we only discussed Y and many of the issues surrounding her and her children. I did not bring up that sentence.

What it implies to me is that at some point my grandfather questioned my father's patronage... I do know that before she met my grandfather my grandmother was married to an abusive man. I don't know if that is part of the issue or whether he thought she had an affair. I don't know whether this was an accusation that was made before or after my grandmother's illness and death, or whether it was when my grandfather was lucid or later in his life when he was miserable and possibly senile.

Physically, my dad has always had some differences compared to his brothers. He is significantly taller than both of them. They both have a very stereotypical "Jewish" nose, and he doesn't. They have very narrow frames and slender body types, even as they age, and my dad has aged.... not slender. At all. That said, they have similarities. They all have dark hair, medium complexions, and my dad and his youngest brother have brown eyes. They are all very stubborn with very set opinions. And when it comes down to it... does it matter? To me at least? Not really... but it's very curious.

I told KB about it this morning, and she thinks I should bring it up with my dad. That he "opened the door" on the subject. I'm not sure for a number of reasons. The first is that my mom was the one who suggested that he send me the letter to explain Y's reasoning. (Though, it was a typed letter in word sent through email, so he could have easily edited it and didn't.) So, since I don't know if my dad wants to talk about it, I feel like I don't want to bring it up- what if it's painful for him to talk about? If it isn't, he could bring it up himself. Second, we've only talked about the letter on IM... not exactly the place to discuss whether your father was "illegitimate" or "the product of infidelity" or whatever.

And third... well, I just don't really like to have those conversations with my parents. I'm very open with my close friends. In fact, I crave connection. But for some reason, I've always been very private with my immediate family. I was close mouthed about (non-major) health related things (as well as our IF); I was quiet about boyfriends (when I called and told my sister that I was engaged, she looked at her husband and mouthed "To who???"); I try to moderate my emotions around them. I don't know why. Maybe because my family is so... dramatic. There are quite a few attention seekers in my family. (Y is one of them. My sister is another.) Don't get me wrong, I have my share of drama. But it's all relative. (Hah. No pun intended.) Compared to my husband's family, I'm probably pretty dramatic. But in my family? I'm the "conservative" one. I'm the "prude". So I don't like to add to the drama. And I don't want to draw the drama that would come from others if I did.

So I guess it's a habit. I am not all that interested in discussing this with my family, because ... that's just not what I do. It's such an awkward position too... clearly, my dad doesn't want others to know. He specified he'd only shown my mom... meaning he doesn't want me to share it with Y's daughter, who is one of my very good friends as well as my cousin, nor my sister.

So I don't know if this will go any further. I don't know if my dad will bring it up. I don't know if he's expecting me to bring it up. I don't know if he even wants us to bring it up... I guess only time will tell. I'll be seeing him in person over Thanksgiving, so I guess we'll just see what happens....

Cranky is as cranky does...

After such a lovely weekend away for our anniversary two weeks ago, III has been ... let's say unpleasant to be around.

For a while, I thought he was upset with me about something- he doesn't always share. Turns out it was partially work, and partially Peanut.

Saturday, he ended up having to work from 2pm-4:30am. So he took yesterday off. I thought it would be good- a chance for a break for him on his own. Everyone needs their alone time, right?

He was a little better. A little. Finally, last night I asked him how he was feeling about Peanut. He said "okay". He thinks she's a spaz but she's getting better. Then I said "What about me? You just don't seem to like me very much lately." He said "It's just hard because work has been hard and then I come home and with Peanut now it doesn't feel like a haven." I agree with him that for the first week, it was stressful, but now? She's still tough but not for him. He does none of the work with her. It's all me. So I said "I think she's much better," and he says "Yeah, she's just so much work."

Um. Huh. If you think a 7 month old dog is a lot of work, what do you think is going to happen when we have an infant??? You better buck up, buddy.

I feel like all I do lately is waver between being irritated with him and trying not to upset him. Last night, I took Peanut after her 1am poopie trip and slept in the spare room. So I don't know what he's complaining about.

Something a little lighter

Thanks to ICLW, I saw this on "babybaker"'s page.

Here’s how it works: you have to mention (and link) to the blog where you saw it. Then use Google images to explain your answers for each category listed below. Join the fun!

(Babybaker listed the phrase she searched for, but I chose to only post the photo... )

1. Favorite beverage

2. Your hometown

3. Favorite TV show

4. Your occupation

5. Your first car

6. Your favorite dish

7. Celebrity you’ve been told you most resemble (this one was hard... there is no "most often" so I just chose two I have been told at one time or another...)

8. Celebrity crush

9. Favorite childhood toy

10. Any random photo

Where I don't fit in

Not long after my miscarriage, KB sent me a link to Res.olve. I already knew about Res.olve, but I've felt wary about joining an infertility support group, either there or through my clinic. There are a number of reasons... but one stands out more than others. It's the same reason I tend to avoid message boards.

I appear to have a different take on early pregnancy than many of the women who are ttc. Or at least many of the women who seek support. It's very hard to explain in words... but some of my feelings since my miscarriage have brought the difference to the forefront.

Since we started trying (during which time many, many friends and family have had babies), I've been thinking about names. While III and I haven't really talked about it, I recently realized that I have a name in my head that I expect I will name my daughter. (Silly, considering III does actually have some say in the matter.) I love the name Leia, and, based on modern Jewish tradition, we would be naming our baby 'after' III's grandmother, who's name began with an L. (The middle name I like is Elise, after my grandma, who had a personality and irreverence I would love to see in a daughter.)

Since finding out that this baby would have been a girl,* I've been having a little bit of a harder time. I actually don't have a preference of what gender our baby is. (I'd really like to have one of each...) I would love to see III with a son, but he'd be mush with a daughter which I also will enjoy, and my mom... well, she really wants a granddaughter.

*Just the way I phrased that... it's not what I usually see on an IF blog.

So those things... I think they have made this whole thing sting a bit more.

In spite of that, I don't feel like I lost a daughter. As I explained last month, it hurts that we've lost the potential of this baby- of this potential daughter.

As I was sitting, reading others' blogs today I started thinking about this lost pregnancy, and this exact thought popped into my head:

"This pregnancy wasn't Leia."

Which is where I differ. This wasn't my baby. It doesn't have a name, I don't think about where it is, I don't wonder who it was (or would have been)... it just isn't.

I feel a little uncomfortable expressing this here- because so many of you feel that the pregnancies you lost are now angels in heaven and lost lives. And I'm not trying to take that away from you or imply that you are wrong.

It's just not how I feel about mine. It is a big part of what keeps me from the support groups and infertility message boards- and sometimes, it makes me feel like I'm on the outside....

Strong enough.

Through all of this, I've had a number of people, in blogland and IRL, tell me "you're so strong!" The worse things get, the more I hear it.

I don't feel strong.

I feel defeated.

I feel angry.

I feel exhausted.

If it were up to me, I'd stay in bed. Or sit on my couch and watch TV. But I can't. I have to come to work. I have to teach my students to the best of my ability. Maybe that's why people think I'm strong. But I'm noticing the cracks in the armor... I'm super behind on my grading. I'm not returning parent emails as quickly as I should. In fact, I feel resentful when I get an email requesting more of me. I'm not as patient with my husband and lately I think I want unreasonable amounts of his time, attention, and affection. I'm not able to be as supportive of my friends as I'd like.

In the last two days I've heard it again from two different people. My OBGYN called me yesterday morning. I was expecting her call (I'd left her a message on Tuesday) and took the call, though we were in the middle of a school-wide activity. I thought I'd be okay. I wasn't very okay. I hung up the phone fighting back tears. (More on that in a minute...) I ran into a woman I work with who I helped out a bit (emotionally) when she was going through a nasty divorce. I hadn't told her everything that was going on, but it came out there in the hallway. She told me "I can't believe everything you're going through. You're such a mensch! And you're so strong, it gives me inspiration."

This morning I spoke to my friend who went through IVF. She never had a m/c but after years of ART and IVF, her son was born at 28 weeks and had a long, difficult stay in the NICU. But she now claims that my experience has become more difficult than hers. (Though it's certainly not a contest, I'm not sure I agree with that...) When I told her the most recent stuff this morning, she also said it "You are such a strong person!"

I guess I've got everyone fooled.

As for the nitty gritty...

The chromosomal tests came back completely normal. "Normal products of conception... 46 normal x chromosomes..." So it would have been a girl. That was information I didn't have to get... but on the spot on the phone I thought, knowing that the information was available I'd rather have it than not. Now I'm not so sure. Too late, I guess.

Appointment with Dr. Z yesterday... while disappointed that I miscarried, he is encouraged that I had implantation. I asked a million questions... they don't know why I miscarried, and in theory are not all that concerned, considering how common miscarriage is. However, they will be doing my day 3 bloodwork again (as well as III's bloodwork) and including the tests they do for recurrent m/c (though we are not, thankfully, in that category... yet. Hopefully, ever.). I also have to have a saline sonogram between day 5 and 12 of my cycle.

I have not yet gotten a period (it's only been a month... exactly a month yesterday since my D&C. Exactly a month today since we lost B-dog. That's a whole other story... I can't believe it's been a month. :( )

So we have a plan. Testing next cycle. Then, unless they find something that needs to be "fixed" a frozen cycle the following month. I think if that doesn't work, we'll do another fresh cycle, though we should have embryos for one more frozen.

So a plan is good. But it doesn't label me as "strong". I have to do this. What is the alternative? To be childless? To adopt? I'm afraid of both of those options. I don't think I could deal with being childless, and I'm so afraid of the adoption process. And I'm afraid of letting go of the dream of a piece of me, and a piece of III. The women, the couples, who do that... that is strong.

What we've done... what I'm doing... TTC-wise, day-to-day... I'm just 'strong enough' right now. I don't know if I can take more.

ICLW and peanut

I decided to participate in ICLW again this month- so if you are here from ICLW, Welcome! If you are one of my regular readers... welcome anyway! And if you're here from somewhere else... well... welcome! LOL

My husband (III) and I just celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary. We have been TTC for 2 years and working with ART for just over a year. After 4 IUI cycles and 2 IVF cycles, we finally were successful. Briefly. Last month, I miscarried at 8w. Sadly, that same week we had to put our beloved B-dog to sleep after a battle with lymphoma. So it's been rough for us lately...

For a more detailed description of our TTC journey you can check out my history post.

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Peanut is really settling in. Thank goodness! I thought III was going to give up on her. She still has plenty of energy, but she has restful spells between her spurts of energy and is sooooo cuddly. At the end of the day, she'll climb up on the couch next to me and curl up against me. She cuddles in as close as she can get. What a sweet girl.

The biggest problem is poop. (Warning... this is going to get detailed.) She has had diarrhea since day 1. The previous owners claimed she'd had "soft" poops since they got her. Well, that's understating what we've seen, plus some blood. :( Poor baby. I took her to the vet yesterday and she's down four pounds! That's only 10% of her body weight. :( :( :( Turns out she has roundworm. Ick. I'm glad we found what could be causing all of this, because it can be fixed, but... ick. I'm nervous about M-dog getting it. We have to pick up all of her poop as soon as she goes... but the consistency of it makes that tough. Not only that... but there may be WORMS in her poop. iiiiiiiicccccckkkkkkk.

The previous owners did have her stool tested, and supposedly it came back "clean". My vet said that can happen on any particular day. But wouldn't you think if she continued to have problems and stay so small they would check it again? Or deworm her anyway just in case? I don't blame the owners, but it just shows me that not all vets are created equal. The place I go is a little more expensive than the place I used to take my dogs, but if they can catch things like this and are more thorough, I'm willing to pay.

We start puppy school tomorrow and I'm excited. I'm looking forward to solidifying some of her training and bonding with her.

For today, I stayed home from school (shhhhhh), because I just needed to sleep and decompress alone. But I do have stuff I have to do since I'm here. I'm giving myself two hours to just sit on the couch and knit before I start on my list.