Friday, June 1, 2012

Absent



Like many infertility bloggers, I hoped that once I got my take home baby I'd still be here to update and blog. Yeah, clearly I haven't been very good about that.

Part of it is that I now frequent another online community with other moms who have babies born around the same time as G-man- as myself, not anonymously. There are only a few of us who have dealt with IF, and I'm one of the only "hard core" infertiles. It's hard sometimes. Several are already pregnant again. Most of them as "oops" pregnancies. It still really stings.

I really want to have another baby. It feels different than it did before G-man. I AM a mom. No one can take that away from me. But it doesn't mean I don't resent that fact that I can't easily plan a sibling for him.

I've been a SAHM for the last nine months, and now I'm applying to jobs in our new city. I have one definite offer and another potential offer coming either today or Monday. I really have mixed feelings about it. I'm not wired to be a SAHM. But going back to work full time is daunting, especially at a new school. Plus, if we decide to jump back into this whole process again in the hopes of adding to our family, where will that fit? Appointments and blood draws and procedures... all while trying to establish myself at a new school and balance that with being a good mom.

I don't love our new city. Often, I just want to "go home". But, it is what it is. So I'm hoping going to work will help me settle in more and get back to myself. I want to be happier. I have my moments of happiness, but I want to be more consistently happy.

OH, and G? He's awesome. A happy, easy baby. I don't know if it's ironic or fitting that I had such an easy pregnancy, delivery, and now baby after all we went through the four years before. I love this little man so much, and know that I was meant to be his mama.

4 comments:

Rachael said...

I'm sorry things in the new city haven't improved yet, hopefully working will help with the transition.
When you decide you're ready for TTC#2 I hope that it is not nearly as stressful for you as #1 was.
I'm glad G has been such a wonderful little baby so far--you definitely deserve him!

LisainSK said...

I too am not sure I am wired to be a SAHM too...so don't feel guilty about it. Going back to work is hard for like the first week but once you find the new routine, life's great...oh and of course finding awesome childcare which I am sure you will find. Give the new city more time...pretty soon you'll be meeting more families as G-man gets older and it won't feel like such a strange place. Love that you are so happy being a mommy...we're so darn lucky I know!!

Jen said...

OMG! LOL! I *always* tell people (who know about my IVF) that I got such an easy baby b/c I had to go through hell to get her. I figured after all I went through I deserved an easy pregnancy, easy delivery, and easy baby. Ha ha ha! And I got all three! So funny that you said that in your post.

I referred your blog to someone who had a similar infertility problem to yours except SHE was the one with the translocation. Regardless, I think it's great that you shared your story so others who are going through it can benefit.

aryanhwy said...

I have to admit that I really disliked being a stay at home mom. It was boring, exhausting, tiring, unrewarding...those first few months, when you're trying to get a decent sleep/eat/play schedule going, when the smiles are few and far between, when they are so helpless that all you do is tote them around, when you go from a lively academic atmosphere to going for days without talking to another adult other than your husband (and one way that we dealt with the sleep deprivation was he took the night shift, I took the day shift, so we only saw each other for a few hours in the evenings)...I love my daughter very much, but I rejoiced with a clean conscience the first day I took her off to daycare. She goes 4 afternoons a week, which gives me a solid 20 hours each week out at the office where I can work undisturbed, and the other 20 hours I fit into naps, and wherever I can. She loves her caretakers and playing with other kids her age; just recently we were travelling for a week and after we returned, the first time we headed out to daycare, we got about a block away and her little feet started kicking excitedly as she realized where we were and what we were going. Today I dropped her off and she had such big grins, it warmed my heart. She has equally big grins for me when I pick her up each evening, and I am a much better parent for the time that I spend away from her.