Spreadsheet

Thanks for all of your comments. Taking it one step at a time is good advice. That this whole process is happening around xmas makes it a little harder...

I expect to get my period tomorrow. Based on my previous IVF cycles, I created a spreadsheet to see on what date different important dates would fall:

28-Nov	1
29-Nov	2
30-Nov	3
1-Dec	4
2-Dec	5
3-Dec	6
4-Dec	7
5-Dec	8
6-Dec	9
7-Dec	10
8-Dec	11
9-Dec	12	trigger
10-Dec	13
11-Dec	14	retrieval
12-Dec	15
13-Dec	16
14-Dec	17
15-Dec	18
16-Dec	19	transfer
17-Dec	20
18-Dec	21
19-Dec	22
20-Dec	23
21-Dec	24
22-Dec	25
23-Dec	26
24-Dec	27
25-Dec	28	beta

Yep, you read that right. Beta on xmas day. Which, since we'll be away the 23rd through the 30th, obviously isn't going to happen.

SO... I expect to be stressed out that week. But I'm trying not to think about it too much. We still have a lot to get through before we can worry about the beta.

Besides. It's not like my previous beta numbers were ever all that helpful. They tell you that is what you should look at in terms of the chances of the pregnancy being successful, but I've obviously been the exception to the rule through all of this.

Not that I'm counting my chickens- I still have to GET pregnant before I worry about a beta. And if I get my period over Christmas break, that's a pretty definite answer...

But first... on to the stims.

Afraid

I am in the beginning of my next IVF cycle.

I'm day 3 into the lupron, and am supposed to finish my bcp on Thanksgiving. That will probably bring my period around the 29th which eventually leads to a beta just before Christmas.

The time feels like it's dragging.

Because, for the first time, I'm really afraid of getting pregnant.

Obviously, I want to have a baby. Otherwise WHY would we put ourselves through this?

But I'm terrified that we will get pregnant only to have another miscarriage.

I'm having a hard time seeing past 8 weeks.

And even if we make it past 8 weeks, what about week 9? And 10? And up to week 12?

And then what about second trimester? Plenty can go wrong there...

Or pre-term labor?

Or even worse....

How can I deal with another loss? Especially if that loss is later.

I know I shouldn't think like this. But I am so afraid. I don't think we could handle it.

But how can we handle 40 weeks of worry?

(Finally) moving forward again.

Today was "one of those days." Things just pissed me off and didn't go as planned.

Until we met with Dr. Z. (Though, as usual, he was running about half an hour late.) He gave us the ok to jump back into things. We thought the insurance was going to require us to use our one frozen embryo, BUT it turns out they only require use of the frozen before a new fresh cycle if you have two or more!!! My period is due any day now, but I also am heading out of town from Wed-Sun for a family wedding. They need 3 day bloodwork updated for me... so keep your fingers crossed that I either get my period tomorrow or not until at least Friday. Saturday would be even better! If I get it on Wednesday, we'll have to wait another whole month. Thursday would be workable, but not convenient... so lets all hope for Saturday.

If I get my wish, that would mean a transfer around December 9, which would mean a December 14ish transfer which would lead to a December 23 beta.

If the cycle doesn't go well, it could be a very, very bad week that week in December. It is my birthday and also would have been my due date from my last pregnancy. :-/

One step at a time, I guess. One step at a time....