Sunday, November 21, 2010

Afraid

I am in the beginning of my next IVF cycle.

I'm day 3 into the lupron, and am supposed to finish my bcp on Thanksgiving. That will probably bring my period around the 29th which eventually leads to a beta just before Christmas.

The time feels like it's dragging.

Because, for the first time, I'm really afraid of getting pregnant.

Obviously, I want to have a baby. Otherwise WHY would we put ourselves through this?

But I'm terrified that we will get pregnant only to have another miscarriage.

I'm having a hard time seeing past 8 weeks.

And even if we make it past 8 weeks, what about week 9? And 10? And up to week 12?

And then what about second trimester? Plenty can go wrong there...

Or pre-term labor?

Or even worse....

How can I deal with another loss? Especially if that loss is later.

I know I shouldn't think like this. But I am so afraid. I don't think we could handle it.

But how can we handle 40 weeks of worry?

12 comments:

stacie said...

I've never been pregnant for any amount of time but I can understand how the prospect of it could be terrifying. I hope for you that your IVF is successful and that all 40 weeks and beyond go well for you.

jill said...

There is always worry but there is hope too. Hope can take you through to the happy ending.

I know of course, easier said than done. I've never been pregnant so I can't begin to imagine how you feel. Just wanted to offer you some hope and send *hugs*.

thirtiesgirl said...

Sorry that you're feeling so much anxiety. Just take it one day at a time. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

PiccolaPineCone said...

Try telling yourself this... you will only think about the next step. Think about the retrieval and nothing else. Once that is done, think about the transfer and nothing else. Once that is done, think about the first beta and nothing else. Keep your head mostly down but up enough to see the next landmark without thinking about the entire path. One milestone at a time. I truly wish you every success.

Kakunaa said...

I know it's so scary...I hope there is a reward at the end for you, a big one!

cgd said...

I totally understand. I have only had one pregnancy, but it was such a disaster (with a late loss and so much testing) that I feel traumatized by the experience. I told my husband that I dont really want to get pregnant again but rather have a baby drop out of the sky and into my arsm, he looked at me like I have 8 heads.
I am on lupron too and expect to start stimms around thanksgiving so we will be partly cycle buddies. I am looking forward to the company.
thinking og you.

LisainSK said...

I am living that fear or terror every single hour right now. Even though all the variables are different (ie DE) I have now discovered MORE problems that I never knew I had but with more medication I should be fine. Today I am 5w5d. I still live and think as though I am IF. I still feel at the bottom of the pit. PG loss has stole alot from us but our hearts will catch up with reality on its own time. So for now...so far so good. But still...I think about these fears daily and wonder the same thing. But you just take it day by day. We can't let fear dictate our lives and sideline our dreams. So just kick fear in the shins and keep chuggin' along! Take care.

"Jay" said...

With all that you have been through, I think fear is a normal reaction. I'm hoping this cycle is the one for you. All you can do is take one day at a time.

Anonymous said...

Hi,
ITA with Piccola - for try #6 (when we did have a successful full-term PG), I tried to use the same approach and it really helped me. I really worked on not letting my brain get ahead of where I actually was in the cycle or pregnancy, and I envisioned any anxiety as something negative coursing through my blood and NOT helping the process. I did a lot of meditative breathing and yoga and I am not the zen type at all but it truly helped. I saw a therapist once a week and I am convinced that all that got me through it. I know it is hard to believe now, but you are SO strong and you can do this.
-Jan

Michele said...

Pregnancy after a loss is so tough... full of worry but also full of hope. Have you read the book "Pregnancy After Loss"? It may be helpful for you.
Hugs...

Anonymous said...

You can do it. There's not much more to say. It's hard, and you'll probably worry the. whole. time. Like, every day. And twice on Saturday. But you'll make it through by taking things one milestone at a time.

I highly recommend getting a doppler on Ebay (or borrowing mine) because it will help you to relax between appointments. (Obviously that doesn't help before about 10 weeks, but it helps after that.)

Eventually, as the pregnancy goes on, you will probably be able to relax a little more. The fear will still be there, but it will be less gripping. You'll find yourself thinking in terms of "when" the baby is born instead of "if" the baby is born.

You can do it.

Always thinking of you.

xoxo
-K

Frenchie said...

Your anxiety sounds understandable to me. I am sorry. I don't want to sound like I'm oversimplifying, or minimizing your feelings if I say, "Try to take it one day at a time." Hoping with you.....