G-man's arrival

Wednesday (the 17th) I saw my OB. She told me that I was 1.5 cm dilated and over 50% effaced. She speculated that I might have the baby early. I was like “Oh really?” but didn’t really think much of it. I don’t know why, but I never really thought I’d go early. I kind of figured I’d definitely be one of those first time moms who went past 40 weeks.

I went home and took a nap, and when I woke up at around 5, I was having very regular and uncomfortable (but not yet painful) contractions. I called the OB on call, and she suspected early labor, so she suggested I wait a while. Ten minutes later, I felt like the contractions were getting more painful, and decided I’d rather go to the hospital.

On the drive to the hospital, the pain really ramped up. We arrived at labor and delivery around 7:45, and they had me fill out some forms (not fun while having contractions) and put me in triage, where they determined I was 4cm dilated. At this point, I was also starting to really hurt. They transferred me to a private delivery room.

That was about 8pm. With the next two or three contractions, I was in A LOT of pain and kind of freaking out. I think I started to have a panic attack… Luckily, the anesthesiologist came in then. He gave me a spinal and an epidural. As they kicked in, my contractions got shorter, but they were still really painful. The anesthesiologist gave me a bolus, but an hour later there was more pain again so they increased my epidural.

The OB came in to check me around 10:30pm. I was 6cm dilated and as she was checking I felt a pop as my water broke. They told us to rest as much as we could, that now we were just waiting for my cervix to finish dilating.

I had trouble sleeping because the epidural had made me itchy, but I wasn’t in pain anymore. I rested and dozed as III slept. At 2am the nurse came in and determined I was over 9cm. She told me the OB was doing an emergency c-section, and would check on my around 3:15 and that it probably would be time to push. And sure enough, she came in right at 3:15- I was completely dilated and they started me pushing. They told me it could take 2-3 hours… but then with my next two contractions both the nurse and the OB commented on how quickly it was progressing. After probably 4 rounds of contractions, they told me “Don’t push now until we tell you- we have to get our gear on.” So they put on their gowns and masks, had me push again… and there was a baby!!! (Less than 20 minutes of pushing!) III was totally dazed. It was super surreal… I looked at him and said “Oh my god. We have a baby!”

They took him to be cleaned up. They suctioned him out and he started breathing and pinked up. His eyes were wide open and he was looking around. But he wasn’t crying. In fact, he didn’t cry at all! The nurses seemed puzzled but not concerned- even without the crying, everything else was good and he scored a 7 on his first apgar. He was 6lbs 6oz with a full head of black hair!

He’s now 11 days old, and sometimes it still feels surreal. I finally have a baby. MY BABY. Which, as most of you know, comes with a whole new set of worries. But I am finally a mommy. And III is a daddy.

In fact, he most amazing thing is seeing him with III. A friend said “Are you surprised at how much you love him?” and I told her, no, but I am in awe of how much III does. I have never seen my husband so enamored and happy. He carries him around and talks to him and sings to him. At 4 days old little G-man already knew his daddy’s voice and would look for him when he hears it. My heart could burst from the love.

Welcome to our little G-man. It took a lot of work and tears to get you here, but you were well worth the wait. xo

37w6d...

...is what I'd be today.

But the baby arrived on Thursday! Surprise!!!

I never thought I'd go early, but I guess we can't predict! Everyone is doing great, but we're all pooped. He's conked out in his bouncy chair, so I'm going to take a nap. I promise to be back as soon as I can to share the whole story. :)

All about me?

Since early to mid 2nd trimester, I've been participating on an online pregnancy message board that is organized by birth month. There are good things and bad things about those online communities, but in this case I've actually made a few good connections with other women- one who is currently a neighbor of mine, who I have hung out with a few times. Two others live in the city where we will be moving! It's nice to have made some connections there with women who will have babies (both boys as well!) the same age as mine.

One of the women is in the hospital with her little one now... long story short, they learned during the second trimester that their baby had some birth defects. At the time, there was some concern that they would be severe enough that the pregnancy would not be successful- there was even talk of terminating. As she progressed into 3rd trimester, the doctors began to feel that, even though he would need surgery and extra attention when he was born, her baby had a good chance at coming out of everything fine.

For various reasons, they induced her this weekend. (at around 37w.) It was not a very successful induction, and they ended up having to do a c/s- her baby was born and it was discovered that he has some additional concerning issues. I don't know the specifics, because all of these updates have come from a few other women on the message board who are in touch with her by text. There has been no news since this morning.

I'm having a hard time thinking about anything but her and her baby. I know that I tend to be almost overly empathetic- I get wrapped up in the stories of people I don't even know. In this case, I've gotten to know her a bit through the internet, but have never met her. In some ways, it feels kind of crazy how concerned I am for her and her little boy.

Though, if I'm being totally honest (and what is an anonymous blog for if not to be totally honest) there is a part of me that is concerned for me in this situation. (Ugh. It makes me cringe to even type that. Like it's all about me!!!) I really like everything I've learned about this woman, and we have quite a lot in common. It's been one of the few things I've been looking forward to with our move- getting to meet her and anticipating spending time together. If something terrible happens with her son, I know that won't happen. I couldn't blame her- how could she watch my son grow and thrive when hers didn't. That would be hard to do with someone with whom you had an established friendship, not to mention someone from the internet who you've never met. So there is a part of me that is worried about what this means to our potential friendship.

I know that even without that I'd be feeling very concerned for her. I know because it's been true with other women on the message board, and even blogs I've read for the first time only after reading about it on LFCA. But it makes me feel kind of ashamed that I even am bringing my petty concerns into the situation, even in my own head.

Send out some thoughts and prayers for my message board friend and her little boy, please! I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine and find great friends in my new city. But no one should have to go through this with their sweet baby, and I really am wishing for a quick and full recovery for her son.

What's going on

As I mentioned in a previous post, there's something big going on with us. It's kind of making me miserable, which kind of pisses me off. Why can't I just have a short time when things are easy and perfect???

If you've been with me a while, you may have read the background in this post. We did spend last summer in City B, and with the one year anniversary of his transplant coming up, III's dad is doing really well. But III still hates it here and he still misses his family and friends.

Because the economy has been so bad, III had told me that it would probably be a year, or even two or three before we even had the option of being transferred. Which was completely fine with me.

Mid-June, on a Wednesday morning, III told me that he recently found out that a transfer may be more imminent. Because of the baby, we talked about potentially taking his name off of the list for a transfer temporarily... that would have given us at least 6 months to a year before it came up.

Later that day, before we could do anything, he got the call that the transfer was approved. And we had to give a yes or a no by noon the next day.

That was a bad day.

If we had turned down the transfer, we would not be offered another for at least two years. If we took the transfer, and then changed our mind, we would not be offered another for at least four years. III decided it was time to "shit or get off the pot", as they say. He said if we didn't do it now, we'd never do it, so two years of four years wasn't going to make any difference.

So he accepted. And we've been seeing our therapist weekly since then hashing it out. We were supposed to be spending that time exploring the pros and cons of both staying and going, but that's never really what happened. It basically turned into operation get-me-to-agree-to-city-B.

At our last appointment, our therapist asked how I felt about the whole thing. I told her "I'm not thrilled, but I just don't feel like I have a choice."

So in mid-November we're moving. We're leaving this city I love. The city where I felt at home the first minute my plane touched down almost seventeen years ago. The city where I've developed my own 'family'. The city I know the ins and outs of. Where I have educated over one thousand children. Where all my connections are. We're leaving the home we made together- our first marital home. The little insulated life we have created here.

We're moving. To a city where I know nearly no one- and absolutely no one who is not somehow already connected to my husband. Where my in-laws, who mean well but drive me crazy and just don't get me, live. Where they will have constant expectations about and input into our lives.

I fully understand the benefits of this move for our family. I understand how this is going to be good for our baby. But when I asked III to make me a "pros" list of what benefits there are for me- just me as an individual- he couldn't even come up with one.

I know I'll be okay. I am an extrovert who makes friends easily. I'm having a baby, which will be an automatic "in" to making new connections. I'm not one to sit on my butt and mope and feel isolated and sorry for myself. But I'm devastated to be leaving my home.

Our house goes on the market next week. They are having an open house on Sunday. The realtor sent a "stager" in this week. She spent both days packing up all of our 'clutter' and moving our furniture around. I ended both days in tears, and now I'm living in a space I hate. This is not my home. I am not comfortable in my own house. I can only hope it sells quickly to someone who is willing to wait to move in until November so that we can put it back the way it belongs.

So that's what's going on. The fear and sadness that is hanging over my head as I try to prepare for the most joyous experience in my life.

I know it will be okay. I just wish it wasn't happening right now.

Four weeks to go!

Well, to my due date...

I'm super excited to meet my little boy, I'm kind of sad at the thought of no longer being pregnant.

I have really liked being pregnant. Yes, my hips are killing me and I can't wait to sleep on my stomach again, but I love how connected I feel to him. I love feeling him roll around and hiccup and push out on my belly from the inside (even when it hurts). I like that strangers are excited for me and there is such a sense of anticipation around our family right now.

I've been waiting for this baby for years and years, and am so happy that he will be here soon. But a big part of me will definitely miss no longer being a pregnant lady.

35/35

KB and Sra threw me a baby shower this weekend. I got so many great gifts- lots of gear and cute clothing.

My mom came in for the shower, and today we hit the 40% off Carter's sale.

Tonight, I washed all the newborn and 0-3 month sized clothing, plus the burp cloths and bibs.

Me. I washed and folded baby clothing. For my baby.

I continue to have short moments of panic. As I'm putting together the bouncy seat, or taking tags off of clothing I think "What if something happens? What will we do with all of this stuff?" But more often I'm excited. I imagine putting these teeny socks onto baby boy's little feet. I worry that he'll already be too big when he's born to even fit into the super cute newborn onesies my friends bought me.

Today is 35/35. I'm 35 weeks today. That means 35 days until my due date.

Me.

Six weeks to go.

I keep meaning to post. There is a big something going on in our life right now (well, other than the obvious BIG SOMETHING of the baby...), but I guess I'm just not ready to blog about it. I'm feeling very stressed and I guess, if I'm being honest, upset about the whole thing and being pregnant and expecting a baby while it's happening is making it harder.

So I guess I'll skip it for now....

I am 34 weeks as of yesterday. I can't believe I am this pregnant. After everything! I am starting to hit that point that infertiles who are still waiting for their baby are annoyed to hear about- I'm uncomfortable and sometimes in pain and to be completely honest, it's not an enjoyable part of pregnancy.

The sciatica I've had since 14 weeks has really ramped up. My right hip and leg pretty much hurts all of the time. Especially when I get up from sitting. My OB said I also need to be careful about my balance- the sciatica can make me more prone to falls. That would suck.

I'm not sleeping well. I'm uncomfortable, plus I wake up at least every two hours to pee. I realized this weekend that it might be a long time before I get a good night's sleep again!

My other big complaint- baby has started to run out of room, and in doing so his stretching and pushing is causing a very sore, bruised feeling spot on the top of my belly. It especially hurts when he gives me a big stretch right in that spot again! I keep trying to explain to him that he's hurting mommy, and he can have the whole rest of my uterus for his stretches, but I guess he likes that spot... My OB told me part of the pain could also be my rectus abdominus muscle actually tearing. Awesome.

In spite of all that- I'm still really glad to be pregnant. I love feeling him wiggle and roll. Even when it hurts, I prefer it to when he's quiet. We've started trying to get the dogs ready- putting out the baby stuff (swing, bassinet, car seat) and playing baby noises. (Poor Peanut was so distraught the first time I played the baby cry. She threw her head back and started howling along!) III and I are so excited to meet our little boy, but I definitely want to wait at least another 3 to 4 weeks!

I still have my moments of fear and superstition. This weekend, while I was putting together the bassinet, running through my mind was how I'd attempt to sell it if 'something happened'. It's been a hard balance to get prepared while still feeling really cautious. In spite of this, the nursery preparation has been put on hold by the previously mentioned big something, and I'm really disappointed about it. I have done lots of crafts to prepare to set up the nursery, and it's hard to be in such a holding pattern.

So that's it for now. There's been a request for belly pics, so I'll leave you with a fuzzy one from this morning, as well as an "artsy" belly shot from a trip out to the lake last week.

It's weird to be a pregnant lady.

Sorry I've been MIA. My computer totally died and I had to get a new hard drive. You do not even want to know how many hours I spent on the phone with so-called tech support. Ugh.

But I'm back up and running (and, with the exception of my internet favorites, had most of my HD backed up!).

There's actually a lot to share, including some (non baby) drama, but lets be positive for today.

It is very interesting to (finally) be a pregnant lady. People regularly ask me "When are you due?" And I still always think they're asking "What do you do?" which always confuses me, because why do you care? But, oh wait. WHEN am I due. LOL Random people talk to me. In stores, in restaurants, from across parking lots.... The other day a guy who was walking with his wife and kids turned around to call to me and ask if it was my first.

I have not had any strangers try to touch my belly. Maybe it's the area where I live- people tend to keep more to themselves, so the comments and smiles are already above and beyond what you can expect on a daily basis!

The weirdest is when I get looks from men. Not bad looks... and not lecherous or anything. Just attention. One day, walking less than two blocks at an outdoor mall, I had four men give me friendly/appreciative looks. Maybe I looked extra cute (and pregnant) that day?

III is constantly looking at my belly and smiling. I am carrying high and out front, so I'm pretty much all belly. He is always commenting "He's getting big!" Which is much nicer than "You're getting big!" Oh, and to update on my previous post, we are no longer having sex. He turned me down again the last time I suggested it. I think he's too conscious that his son is inches away in my belly- not that he really believes he'll hurt him, but that he just feels weird. For now I'm okay with that, but it does bother me that it means we'll probably go six months without. On the flip side, III is much more sentimental and even affectionate sometimes.

At 30 weeks, I'm starting to have trouble bending over and my appetite is all over the place- some days I'm starving, others I want to snack all day, and still others I have no interest in food and only eat because I should. I'm clearly running out of room for my stomach to comfortably fit, and lets not even talk about my colon. But I still have 2 months to go, so I'm not going to complain. Six weeks from now may be another story!

Truly, I've (physically) had a pretty easy pregnancy so far. (Well, geez. It's only fair, I guess after the craziness of trying to get here...) A little heartburn, which I often have when I'm not pregnant, and a bout with hemorrhoids (which I've also had before). The worst is the sciatica in my right hip and leg... but, really, if that's the worst of it? I think I'm doing okay.

I promise to post more soon, including about some of the less pleasant issues going on in our lives right now. Hope some of you are still reading! I am reading many of your posts, even if when don't comment!

The hormones probably aren't helping...

Let me begin by saying that I'm sure I'd be less irritated if I wasn't teeming with pregnancy hormones. I totally get it.

So anyway.

When I decided to take this year off, my best friend was thrilled. She's staying home with her kids and was psyched that we'd get to see each other all of the time.

Of course, it didn't turn out that way.

I definitely see her more than I used to, but considering neither of us are working, it should be easy to plan time together- especially since I usually don't mind driving out to hang out with her and the kids at her house. After all, I just have me to get there.

The problem? She's a planner. BIG TIME. She literally has had every weekend this summer planned out since at least a month ago. Again, she has no weekends free to plan anything together. (Though one of those weekends is booked to have a shower for me- but it was one of only two weekends she had available the whole summer.)

A conversation will go like this:
BF: We should hang out this week!
Me: Yes, we should. My schedule is pretty open...
BF: Well, I have baby playgroup on Monday morning, and plans with J on Tuesday morning. Then I'm having lunch with A on Tuesday and we're taking the kids to the park. On Wednesday, my husband is going to work from home while I go to {this activity} with {whoever}. Then Friday we're leaving around 11am to go to the beach house for the whole weekend. So how about Thursday?
Me: I have to work Thursday. (Note- one of two days that I'm working the whole week)
BF: Ugh. Your work schedule is such a pain! It totally gets in the way of us hanging out!

Could that last comment kind of be tongue in cheek? Absolutely. Except she says it nearly every single time.

She really wants to meet my friend, Sra. I really want them to meet- they have a ton in common, plus they are planning my shower together. In May, I offered to have them over for a Saturday or Sunday, lunch or dinner, with kids. My BF had one day that worked for her. The one weekend that Sra was out of town. Then summer started, and like I said, she has every weekend scheduled already. Guess they'll meet at my shower....

The thing that has me going today... she wanted us to do a double date with our husbands- it's been close to a year since we have. Again, she had three days that worked- a Tuesday, a Thursday and a Friday. III generally is pretty wiped on work nights, but he said he could do this Friday, despite that fact that he's been 8 hrs away at training all week and will be driving back early in the morning.

I am working 10-5 that day. So I suggested we make reservations for 7:30pm. BF just called to tell me that's too late- they don't like to leave their babysitter longer than 9pm, plus she'd like to be in bed by 9:30.

*sigh* I know that you have to schedule your social life around your kids. I completely understand that in a very short time, that will be our world. But then don't make it seem like I'm the one who is making it difficult to get together. I was free every day this week.

She is my biggest support and I love her to death. But I'm tired and pregnant and cranky, and I'm not really interested in having to be the one who bends over backwards to try to make time together right now. And I resent that it makes me feel like I'm being antisocial and difficult.

/rant

Denied

Last night, I crawled into bed with III...naked. He just lay there. I said "Are you too tired?" He looked at the clock and said, "Yeah. I'm too tired." I put my PJs back on, gave him a kiss, and rolled over.

And cried for an hour.

There hasn't been much action around here for the last four or five months. On top of the normal pregnancy stuff, the increased dose of Prozac I'm on makes my sex drive about .... zero. III has stopped initiating- he told me that he felt like I just would say yes because I feel bad for him and "that's not hot."

So, though I never got that second tri drive increase, I try to initiate once in a while. Once we get going, I'm fine and enjoy it.

Last time, maybe a week or two ago, III commented that it was kind of strange to think of having sex while "our son" was there. I reminded him that HE doesn't know what's going on! LOL I still think III was kind of freaked out. I'm pretty sure he didn't... um... finish....

So, maybe he was too tired. Maybe it was because he had to get up early and knew he had a busy day today. But... geez. I know he, like most guys, would like to be doing it more often. And I know we'll have a big dry spell towards the end of my pregnancy and for a few months afterwards.

I don't know. I knew there was a possibility that III would just want to sleep, but it turned out to upset me anyway. Hello, hormones? It wasn't that I felt rejected, though I guess if I really delve into it I probably did a little. But It made me worry... maybe he isn't attracted to me. Maybe he won't want to have sex with me again. Even the really irrational, over the top thought... what if there's someone else?

I don't know the solution. III has told me he isn't too worried, that he knows this is temporary. I've already spoken to my doctor about adjusting my meds after the baby arrives. I know there is more to our relationship than sex, but I guess I still worry.

Cute comments from III

As our pregnancy progresses, III gets more and more outwardly excited. He has said some really, really cute things.

One night in bed, I wanted him to try to feel the baby move. (This was before he had felt him.) He wasn't able to, but he wasn't upset about it. He said "It's so weird- there are three of us in bed right now!"

This weekend while baby was jumping around like crazy and we could see it from the outside: "Is it weird to be growing something in there? Like an alien?"

I participated in a gift exchange with other women who are due around the same time as I am (through a message board I've been on). My gifter sent me some really cute onesies, and they were sitting in the dining room. III saw them in there, and said "Are these for us? They're really small!" I told him, "I know. The baby is going to be really small!"

He bought me a card congratulating me on a small recognition I got at work. He signed it "Love, III, M-dog, Peanut and Nathalebriel"- a mix of the three names we are considering for baby boy.

And my favorite...

He came home this week and we were sitting down to dinner. He looked at me and said, "I wish it was September already. I just want to hold my son."

Moment

Since I started to feel the baby move, III has gotten more and more excited. I couldn't wait until he could feel it from the outside, but we never could get the timing quite right.

Last night, just before we headed out to dinner with his parents, I was laying down as he got ready. Baby started kicking a bit, so I asked III to come sit with me. He put both his hands on my belly and closed his eyes to concentrate. Baby boy gave a good kick just below my belly button.

III's eyes flew open. The expression on his face is one I'll never forget! I think the memory of it will remain one of my favorites for the rest of my life. :)