Therapy

Along with getting a psychopharm consult, my OB wants me to go back to therapy. Probably not a bad idea... and it's not like I don't have the time.

Now the question is where to go...

She gave me some recs, but you may or may not remember I was in therapy for a while with a therapist (A) I liked for my general anxiety. It was she who recommended trying meds in the first place. III and I also saw a therapist (L) together in the spring who was recommended by my IVF clinic. We really liked her and she's worked extensively with people with infertility.

So... where to go? My initial thought was to go back to L since we saw her most recently. But her office is 40-45 minutes from my house. When III and I were going together, it wasn't too bad because it was "together time" but I know I'll hate the drive on my own. So then I was thinking I'd go back to A, as it's half the drive. But over night I flipped back to L since she has so much experience with infertility. One of the OB's recommendations is the next town over from me... but I am really not sure I want to start with someone new.

What do you think? Is the drive worth dealing with someone who has a lot of infertility experience?

All is well

I started crying as soon as the PA came in to take my blood pressure.*

So they sent the NP in immediately to do an u/s. First we saw the fetus- we could see the shape of it's head clearly. I sobbed as it took her a full thirty seconds or so to find the heartbeat.

But she did.

You'd think that would calm me down. But it didn't. I continued to cry for the whole ten minutes I was with the NP and then through most of my time with my OB.

They told me I could come in for an u/s whenever I needed/wanted to, even if it was "every other day." They would usually have me come in next in a month, but scheduled me for an NP u/s in two weeks- told me to call if I wanted to come in next week too. I have to think about it, but my anxiety is at its worst when I have an appointment within the next 12 hours. So while I may worry that the little creature in my belly might be dead, it's the worst right before I get to find out if my worry is warranted.

Speaking of anxiety- they also referred me to a psychopharmacologist. My anxiety levels are not normal, even for what I've gone through. Apparently you are not supposed to have a full on anxiety attack every time you are driving in for an OB appointment.

So. I am officially ten weeks pregnant. I have an official due date of September 4th. And I am reminded that I LOVE my OB. And have learned that I love her staff as well. Fourteen days until my next u/s... (Unless I change my mind.)

*III was not able to come with me to the appointment after all, so that didn't help...

OB-phobia

I'm really nervous to go to my OB tomorrow.

Obviously, I'm nervous about getting bad news. How can I not be? But I'm also just nervous about GOING. The last time I was there was a year and a half ago when she couldn't find a heartbeat with her ancient u/s machine. When she had to send me across the street to the creepy u/s doc who confirmed our miscarriage. The last time I saw her was the next day when she performed my D&C.

I remember sitting in her waiting room forever before hand, because she always makes a point to spend as much time as necessary with each patient, which then backs up her appointments. Thinking about doing it again tomorrow, but with a year and a half (and two miscarriages worth) of extra baggage makes me want to throw up.

My appointment is at noon (last time was at 4) so I'm hoping there will be less of a wait. Also, III is going to try to come as well. I don't know how many husbands come to a 10w appointment, but every time I've been surprised with bad news I've been on my own. So I'm glad I'll have him there.

I hope I can sleep tonight. As nervous as I am, I'm afraid I won't be able to turn off my brain.

At least at this time tomorrow we'll know what's what...

Award for meeeeee!!!!

I recently got comments from three different people saying they had named me for an award on their blog! Infertile Farmer and SLESE1014 at Fertility Frustration both awarded me the same award. (Jenny also commented that she had given me an award, but Jenny! I am unable to access your blog from your profile! Let me know where you are!)*

The award stated:

The rules for accepting the award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person/people who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 7/15 other bloggers. (They each had a different number, but I'm going to go with 7 because I'm a little overwhelmed by choosing 15!)
4. Contact those bloggers to tell them about the award.

So here we go...

1) I have ten piercings. Nine of them are in my ears. My favorite one is my most recent, a forward helix.
2) I was given a yellow teddy bear when I was 6 months old. I still sleep with it.
3) I used to be a book-a-holic. I'd read in the car, in the grocery store (holding on to the cart as my mom pushed it) and under my desk at school. My mother would punish me when I was naughty by sending me to her room because all of my books were in my room. (I still love to read, but don't do so nearly as much.)
4) When I was in my late twenties, the one part of my body I was never happy with was my stomach. Now I'd kill to have that stomach back again. It was rockin', if I do say so myself!
5) I would love to travel to Greece, especially the islands, but III doesn't like to travel out of the US.
6) I used to be very frugal- I literally counted my pennies. Since getting married, I have been able to relax in that area, but sometimes I miss it because it was a source of pride to me that I was successful at it.
7) In the last few years, I've become fascinated with the idea of reincarnation and past lives. If one has a soul mate, I truly believe that KB is mine. This season on Grey's, Meridith said "Derek is the love of my life, but Cristina is my soul mate." That's exactly how I feel about III and KB.

So there you go! That was harder than I thought! LOL.

The 7 bloggers that award...

1) Kakuuna at Through My Eyes
2) LisainSK at WANTED: One good embryo
-both of these ladies are loyal readers and commenters on my blog! Thanks for sticking with me!
3) JC at Steps to Baby. JC has hit that point in the last couple of months that many of us hit, where this whole process has become overwhelming. She is pushing through, though, and exploring adoption while figuring out where she stands in the IF journey.
4) Jen at Maybe if you just relax has been through more than her share recently. But she continues to post her witty commentary on her experiences and say F-YOU to the shittiness of infertility and loss.
5) The Infertile Gynecologist is a new read for me. She gives a VERY interesting perspective on this whole thing. And if you think your life has you surrounded by pregnancy and babies... whoooo. I don't know how she does it!
6) Cece at Child Bearing Hips is a fellow boxer lover. :) She has a great attitude, even after infertility and unexpected, unexplained loss.
7) And of course, Frenchie at Miss Inconceivability. One of the first IF blogs I found, and still one of my favorites. After dealing with difficulties of infertility, success with adoption, surprise pregnancy, and that another surprise pregnancy that ended in a loss, she is now navigating some of the more difficult parts of parenthood.

Thanks to those of you who awarded me! And for my loyal readers, and those of you who continue blogging so that we all feel like there are others out there who understand what we are dealing with. xo

*As a very successful and practiced Google-stalker, I was able to track Jenny down at Try Try Again. (I did an advanced search in the past week for my blog name + award specifically on blogspot.com.) Does that make me creepy? Regardless, thanks Jenny!

1st pregnancy purchase (this time)

In our second spare room (which is my "office", or if you ask III, my "mess") there is a pile. It is a pile of the very few pregnancy/baby things that I acquired in my previous short lived pregnancies. There is a book that I purchased when I was obsessing over symptoms and then some books and a blanket that were given to me by others. I also have 2 pairs of pregnancy pants and 3 bella bands, all which I bought in my last pregnancy when I was hella bloated.

I have been hesitant to buy anything for a few reasons- I didn't want to be left with reminders if the pregnancies didn't work out. (Which obviously they didn't. It's why it's all hidden away in a closet.) I guess if I'm being honest, there was also a bit of superstition. I'm not superstitions generally, but something about this process makes "tempting fate" seem a lot more realistic.

I haven't purchased anything this pregnancy. I have peeked at a book or two about particular symptoms and issues, but for the most part they've stayed hidden away. My last appointment and u/s put me just further than I got with any other pregnancy. My next u/s is four days away.

So today I made my first pregnancy purchase for this pregnancy. I haven't really been working out. I worked out all summer to lose ten pounds, but then in the fall I caught a cold and got out of the workout habit. I haven't picked it back up, in part because 'they' say not to start a new exercise regiment when you're pregnant. I don't know if it counts as "new" if you were doing it and just took a 2 month break. LOL But I have been so tired and lethargic. I'm hoping that a bit of exercise would help give me more energy, but the weather has kept me from being able to do anything outside, like walking the dogs. Today I tried a prenatal yoga video on demand. It was very stretching but overall boring. (I have done hot vinyasa yoga when not pregnant, though I also fell out of habit with that as well.) They also kept talking about "connecting with your baby" through your breathing, and I am definitely NOT there yet. I have not been willing to talk about/think about "my baby" yet. It's my pregnancy for now (I'm barely even to identify it as that) and I certainly hope it will become my baby.

But anyway. I did a little research, and I just purchased two prenatal DVDs that seem to be a little more up my alley. One is a vinyasa prenatal yoga, which is more vigorous according to the reviews, but I feel like I can do my own modifications, even if my "modifications" are taking a break or fast forwarding through certain parts. :) I also ordered a prenatal pilates video. I used to be big in pilates, but it's been a while. I'm excited to see how the DVDs are and maybe get back into a bit of a routine. I will ask my OB about it when I see her on Monday as well.

So hopefully my new purchase won't trigger any sort of bad luck... not that I believe in all of that... but at this point, I feel like I can't be too careful...

UPDATED- of course, just over an hour after this purchase, I went to administer one of my daily doses of endrometrin and found I'm having some spotting. *sigh* Of course, spotting is not abnormal, especially while taking vaginal suppositories... but as we all know, it's unnerving. Damn.

Coming out to the 'rents

I've told my parents very little about what has been going on with us around our infertility and treatments. There are a lot of reasons for that... one being that, for some reason, I've always been kind of private and guarded about what I tell my parents. Maybe because they are such TALKERS. Everything was always a discussion. And my dad just is not always very tactful. And my mom has an un-treated anxiety disorder, so that is just stressful. We live halfway across the country from each other, too, so it is a lot of effort to deal with their questions and concerns during our once a week phone calls...

I realized this weekend that I hadn't spoken to them on the phone for a while, so I gave them a call. We got to talking and it eventually led to talking about insurance, which led to talking about my treatments. I realized just how little I've told them about the last three years. So I did some sharing.

I explained our diagnosis and what we have to go through with each cycle. I explained to them that we were in one of the few states where our treatments are covered, and just how much it would cost if it didn't. I didn't tell them about my miscarriages or my current 'status'. But... they may know about at least the former. They said they had heard some stuff from various family members- my aunt (who's daughter I told everything because she will shortly begin IVF treatments) and my sister, who knows quite a bit more than they do, though not as much, for example, as KB. That last part irritated me. When I did share with my sister, I told her "I haven't told mom and dad most of this so don't mention it to them." She said "Oh, I understand, and I wouldn't; it's not my place." So much for that! When I told III, he said "Are you really surprised by that?" But anyway. I digress.

I told them, "I haven't meant to leave you out of things or keep things from you. It's just hard- we just don't always want to talk about it. The more you share with people, the more they feel entitled to know- not you, just in general. If we lived closer, maybe it would be different, but we're just trying to protect ourselves the best we can. And you guys worry!" Dad interjects- "We don't worry!" "Mom worries!"

They said it was okay, and they understood. I also told them "Sister tells everyone the minute she's pregnant. I'm not mad, but she's lucky and doesn't realize she's just lucky. She told me 'We told our friends because they'd all be supportive if something happened.' It's not about being supportive. It's about having to talk about it with all of those people whether you want to or not."

So. Now they have more of an idea (directly from the source, at least) about what we're dealing with. I don't know why it's so uncomfortable for me to share it with them. A big part of it is definitely that I don't to have them obsessing over it all from far away when there's nothing they can do to help. Maybe I should be letting them make that decision, but... like I said to them. At this point, it's mostly about self preservation...

ICLW fail

I totally sucked at ICLW this month.

I didn't not do my daily comments every day.

I could give some excuses, but when it comes down to it, I just didn't do it.

(I've been terrible about responding to texts on my phone and returning friends' calls too, lately...)

So anyway- if you found me from ICLW or are reading after the fact- sorry!

Ultrasound

I didn't sleep at all last night. I kept waking up, thinking it must be like 4am, but it was only one hour past the last time I woke up. (Which at one point was obviously 4am, but that was only the time preceding 3am... anyway.)

I spent the entire drive to the RE (which took twice as long as usual because apparently no one knows how to drive when there is a dusting of snow) having a quiet anxiety attack. Full on.

Luckily there was no one ahead of me in the u/s list. As we went in, the u/s tech asked me "have you had any trouble or is this just routine?" I wanted to ask "Routine??? What is that???" But instead I told her that we'd had two miscarriages so we were nervous.

So I was relieved when she told us immediately that she saw a heartbeat. She showed us our blob and this time I could clearly see the little flicker of the heart. It was beating at 174 bpm and measuring 8w2d. Apparently that's all perfect.

I'm terrified to report to you that Dr. Z released me to my OB. I love my OB, but it's not the RE, where we are now very familiar (us to them and them to us). Plus I hate the u/s process there- across the street in a different office with the Dr. I don't really like. (The one who broke the news to me on my first loss.)

But I guess you have to move on. It's part of these steps we're taking, right? I called to make the appointment, and you have to leave a voice mail with your name, phone number, and the date of your last period. Seriously? What IF knows the date of her last period? Don't you silly OB office people know? We don't measure by periods. We measure by e2 levels and egg retrievals and dpdts. I know I'm 8w1d based on my retrieval. Dr. Z tells me my due date is 9/3. But LMP? No idea.

So today is a good day. I'm sure I'll start freaking out again soon, but for now... so far so good.

Hanging in there...

22 hours to u/s. I'm nervous. Nothing points to a bad outcome at this point- I haven't had bleeding, I still feel queasy, and I'm exhausted. But past experience is enough to make me so anxious. Luckily, III will be going with me. With the exception of our very last u/s, every bad news u/s I've been on my own. As I shared in a recent comment, I don't know which is worse- hearing the news or having to call and share it with III over the phone.

I did pretty much nothing all weekend. I'm sleeping 11-12 hours a night and am in bed twelve hours later for the night. I still have this cold that arrived just before new years... Dr. Z had told me that the progesterone encourages mucous production, so that is why my cold was so bad. I still am stuffy at night, all nastily congested in the morning, and coughing. Ugh.

I have to work tonight, but would really like to just stay in bed all day. I'm contemplating heading back to bed for a while. I haven't been to the animal shelter in over a month, and had though I might go today, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. If tomorrow's appointment goes well, maybe I'll head over afterwards.

I've been wanting to post about my insurance issues, but just haven't gotten around to it. I finally got my money from April's cycle and want to share how... But not today. For now, I think I need a cup of tea and a nap. ;)

ICLW

ICLW is here! I'm not a regular participator, but this is my third or fourth time, and I enjoy reading new blogs and "meeting" new readers to mine.

I am tentatively pregnant after my fourth IVF. You can read a much more detailed history about my treatments, losses, and surgeries on my TTC history page.

Looking forward to the week- hearing from other commenters and reading your blogs. :)

Craptastic

According to my retrieval date, I am 7w3d today.

As I've mentioned, I've decided it's impossible to NOT obsess over symptoms or lack of particular symptoms.

The nausea that I had with my last pregnancy I don't this time. On one hand, that's great. I don't do well with puke. On the other... well, you know. I'm not feeling great, though. I just kind of feel... ick. Queasy I guess. I am tired all the time. I feel like a total slug. I worry that III is irritated that I am sleeping so often and getting so little done. I wonder if the fact that I am able to sleep more this time is making the queasiness/nausea better that it would be. That all sounds very rational, doesn't it? In my head, I worry that the lack of nausea means something bad. On the other hand, the fact that I'm not feeling great makes me worry that something is bad.

You hear about nausea and morning sickness all the time... is it normal just to feel ... blah? Ick? Crap?

I also feel a little.... depressed. That could be related to the fatigue. It could be related to my ever-present anxiety. It could have to do with the fact that it's January... every winter I get those blues related to the cold and the dark. I guess when you throw all three together, it makes sense.

So we plod along, one day at a time. Waiting for the next appointment, which is Tuesday. I'm nervous about everything about that appointment. I'm nervous that my u/s will be bad. I'm worried that if my u/s is good, that I'll be released to my OB- that worries me because then I worry that when I get to my first OB appointment, like the last time, they will have to send me across the street to the u/s doctor who will tell me that history is repeating itself...

So much worry. So much uncertainty. A recent comment reminded me of the Confucius quote, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." It's true... and we've been making these steps... the only problem is, we are hyper-aware of previous journeys where we took that first step but had our journey aborted far too early.

Next hurdle complete...

Today's u/s measured 6w1d (based on my retrieval I should be 6w4d but the PA didn't seem concerned about the discrepancy) and had a heartbeat of 107. There was no hematoma this time, so there is no specific explanation for the bleeding... but everything is looking so far so good.

We are relieved and pleased, but we have been here twice before. The next u/s is scheduled for 1/25. If we count from my retrieval, that will make me 8w1d. We lost both of the other pregnancies at about 8w (though the second started going downhill before that), so I think III and I kind of feel like that's a big one.

Even if that goes well, we have a long way to go. But we continue to try to take it one step at a time.