We didn't really learn anything new today at the geneticist's.

I want to go into more detail eventually, especially since I had trouble finding any info or others' stories on the internet when we first heard.

But right now I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself.

For the moment...

...I am content.

Fire in the fireplace.

Snow in the yard.

Wine in my glass.

Dog in my lap.

Perfect for a December evening.

Appointments made

Yesterday at 11am I called Dr. N's office again. When C answered, I said "Look, I don't want to be a pest..." she apologized that it was taking so long, told me that Dr. N had looked at my file and put it on C's chair, but had not left instructions about what to do. ARGH. She promised me a call back by the end of the day.

On which she followed through. I have an appointment for Monday afternoon. Now that it's set up, I'm really scared about what she will tell us....

I then called Dr. Z's office. When we were given the referral, Dr. Z's nurse told me that when we had an appointment set up with Dr. N, to call and make an appointment to see Dr. Z and that it could even be on the same day. When I called to talk to Dr. Z's AA, she told me that he's in Asia for another week. *sigh* So I have an appointment with him on the tenth.

What that means in the immediacy is that, regardless of what we are told on Monday, it is unlikely we will be cycling until January. I anticipate CD1 to fall on or around the sixth. (Which I'm hoping is contributing to my dark mood... Yay PMS.) If we have to do a fresh cycle, we will probably be too far into the cycle to start BCP when we see Dr. Z. Since I don't know how the timing works for a frozen cycle, I don't know if we will be within an appropriate amount of time to do that, but I'm feeling it is very unlikely that they are going to tell us we are "all set" and can just keep going like we've been going.

I probably should feel positive about the fact that Dr. Z ordered this testing after my first m/c, instead of waiting to see if it was going to end up being an ongoing problem. But I'm having a hard time feeling positive about anything lately.

Stop this ride....

We found out last night that my FIL's cardiac doctor is recommending that he have a heart transplant.

I don't know how much more we can take....

seeking more input...

Thanks for your suggestions yesterday. Much of that is the same as what I do. The hard thing is that there is usually an 8-9 hour work day to get through before I can do any of those things!!! I guess it's a one-foot-in-front-of-the-other time for me right now.

I'm interested in hearing your take on our current situation around our next step in our process. III is pissed off. I'm frustrated and nervous, but feel like it just goes with the territory.

Here's the run down:

8/09- positive beta after IVF#2 (though ICSI #1)
9/09- m/c at 8w
11/9/09- 3 day bloodwork + recurrent m/c bloodwork (though I've only had one)
11/11/09- sonohystogram: all clear
11/24/09- Attend appt with Dr. Z who hands us copies of our blood work results, which show normal for me and an inverted chromosome 2 for III. Tells us that we have to see a genetic specialist before we can proceed. Hands us the card for the specialist, who is in a different office, though right around the corner.
11/25/09- 10:15am- call specialist, am told I need to talk to the dr's secretary, C, who is on the phone and she'll call me back. 1:10pm- still haven't gotten a call and am leaving to go out of town for the holiday, so I call again. C's on the phone again, so the person I speak to takes a basic history and says I'll get a call back. 2:15pm- C calls to tell me they need all of the bloodwork results faxed to then from my RE, and then the dr has to look at it to "see if she can help" us and then C will call me to set up an appointment. 2:20pm- I call Dr. Z's nurse, who tells me she'll immediately print it out and send it to them.
11/26-29/09- Thanksgiving weekend. Everyone is closed.
11/30/09- I call and miraculously get to talk directly to C. I ask if they received my paperwork. She says "What's your name again... um, I think we did... um... yeah, I'm pretty sure we did. Yes, I gave it to Dr. N. She'll look it over and then I'll be calling you to set up an appointment."
12/1/09- no call. Pissed off III.
12/2/09- no call. Frustrated me.

What do you think? Is this reasonable? Could Dr. Z's office have done things differently? (<---III's opinion=yes) What should I expect from Dr. N's office? How long should this take-how long should I wait? When should I call again? This is the first time III has really reacted to any situation we've encountered, which is interesting. I'm definitely in a blue place, which lowers my expectations and hope. I'm just trying to get some perspective... lay it on me!

ISO blue day remedies...

Walking up the stairs to my classroom this morning, I thought "I'm having a cranky day." (already!)

Then I thought "Geez, I'm perpetually down lately, so if, at 7am, I can already identify this as a 'blue day' that's not a very good thing..."

I'm a doer. I want to be able to control what's going on with me. (That's part of what makes this IF stuff so hard.) I thought "What can I do to put myself in a better mood?"

So I'm here to ask my blog buddies: What do you do to cheer yourself up and help a bad mood improve? I need suggestions!

Hodge Podge

I spent the holiday weekend with other people's babies. My sister's son, who is adorable. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about being with him (my sister and I have very different viewpoints on many things, including child rearing) but it was lots of fun. I loved being the auntie who could spoil him and play with him and then hand him off to his mom. :)

I also visited with one of my very closest friends from high school. He and I have a complicated history, but we have kept in touch and are still important to each other. III and I spent an afternoon with him, his wife, and their 2 kids. His two year old son LOVED III. It was fun to watch them play together. I left with mixed feelings. I loved seeing III with the little boy and so it made me ache (once again) for one of our own. I also miss my friend, though at the same time our relationship continues to be... hmmm. It's not really something I can put into words. Maybe another time.

Before we left on Wednesday, I called the office of the genetic counselor. III and I are both frustrated by this process already. We had to make an appointment to go in on Tuesday and be told there was a problem with which my RE can't help us and be handed a card. I called on Wednesday to be told by her office that my RE needed to fax all the bloodwork over so that she could look at it and determine whether she could help us. (Whether??? If she can't, then what??) So I called my RE and they faxed it right over, but then Thursday was Thanksgiving and they weren't open on Friday... I haven't heard from them today. I am contemplating being a pest and calling again today. I just want to get this taken care of. I tried to do a little Dr. Goo.gle research, but it is hard because this is so specific to the chromosome that is affected. I found something that said the inversion of chromosome 2 can cause miscarriage in 30% of the cases, but 1) I don't know if that's when the man has that inversion or just the woman and 2) I don't know if it makes a difference where the inversion is. Whatever happens, I'll definitely post more on it so others who find themselves in the same boat can possible find it in their own goo.gle searches.

Finally... I apologize because I haven't been reading blogs as diligently as I used to. I started this to find women who could sympathize with my situation because of their own experiences, but now I'm finding two things... either I'm so overwhelmed with my own situation that I have nothing left for others' trials with this beast, or others' successes leave me feeling discouraged and hopeless. :( I'm definitely at a point in this process where I no longer know what to do to even help myself.

Two steps forward, one step back.

I'm so tired.

I can see why people decide to give up trying to have a baby.

Another step back. III has a reversal on chromosome 2. It may be a problem. It may not. We won't know until we see the genetic counselor.

Today I want to give up. I know this feeling won't stick- I want a baby more.

But right now... I'm so fucking sick of this.

Oink

I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a sore throat.

Awwww shit.

I am very prone to colds and throat infections... I'm pretty sure I had strep for a year straight. (Lots of misdiagnosis.) So it is likely that.

But wouldn't it be just my luck this year? I should have gotten the H1.N1 vaccine if I was still pregnant. But I'm not. So no vaccine for me until at least December. So watch me go and get it when I'm supposed to be flying for Thanksgiving in two days! :(

I took my temp before I left today and it was normal, and then throughout the day I was worried that it had risen... so I went to the nurse. (Benefit of working in a school!) 98.1. Phew.

Looks like it's just a cold. (Knock on wood!) I'd hate to have to cancel my trip. Plus, tomorrow is my follow up to our blood tests with Dr. Z. Wish me no surprises!

Knife to the heart

I have a friend from HS- we were very close our senior year and for a number of years afterwards. She is one of two HS friends I have kept in touch with (outside of FB) over the past fifteen years. She is not married, but in a long term committed relationship and they have a four year old who was "not planned but not prevented". A few weeks ago, I read on her blog that she was pregnant again. Today, she posted on FB about hearing the heartbeat. When people asked her when she was due, she revealed her due date.

May 1.

One day after I would have been due.

My mind started racing with all the reasons this is unfair. But it just comes down to my own jealousy and despair. It has literally ruined my day.

I hate what infertility has done to me when I can't even be happy for an old friend.

Damn it.

Longest week ever

Seriously. The shit hit the fan at school with some systemic issues and I've spent hours reading/sending emails from/to parents. Peanut has been a nightmare this week and I'm really tired of dog poop. I'm exhausted and my eyes hurt and if it wasn't Friday, I might lose my mind.

That's all I've got.

Flower power

I'm always shocked at how much it costs to send someone flowers.

It always seems like such a nice gesture. It's always very exciting at my school when someone get flowers- everyone wants to know: "who are they from?" "what's the occasion?"

I've been 'sent' flowers four times in my life. For my eleventh birthday from my aunt and uncle who lived in NY. For my fifth dating anniversary from my college boyfriend. (There was no sixth anniversary...) For my second anniversary (sent to school- exciting!) from my husband. (He was out of town for an optional training he really wanted to do. Flowers were the consolation prize for me- though still appreciated.) For a "cheer-up" this summer. I'm always excited to get them. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I try not to think of the expense.

My mom's birthday was yesterday. She lives 1500 miles away and while we talk weekly, we don't see each other all that much. My mom loves her birthday. I meant to buy her a card- I'm seeing her in a week and bringing some presents so I didn't buy a specific gift- but didn't do it in time. So I thought to send her flowers.

I went on the F.TD website... many of the "favorites" were... just not my mom...(roses, carnations, mums...) Then I searched for 'lilies' She loves calalilies. They had some colored ones- super pretty. I looked at the price.

$50.

Really? For 18 stems? And a basic glass vase? (Plus another $15 for shipping. Not even delivery from a florist. Fe.dEx in a box.) I almost didn't do it... but I decided what-the-hell. My mom is 62. Young in one sense, but you never know for sure how many birthdays are left.

I sent them to her work. I thought that would be more fun for her. When I called her yesterday afternoon she was literally breathless. So excited and surprised. The front office at her work called her to pick up "a box for you". She thought it was a box for her office and was so surprised it was for her. And the box? She loved it. She said it was packaged so decadently with gold fabric. And she reminded me "I love lilies."

So the $64.99? Totally worth it.