Two steps forward, one step back.

I'm so tired.

I can see why people decide to give up trying to have a baby.

Another step back. III has a reversal on chromosome 2. It may be a problem. It may not. We won't know until we see the genetic counselor.

Today I want to give up. I know this feeling won't stick- I want a baby more.

But right now... I'm so fucking sick of this.

Oink

I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a sore throat.

Awwww shit.

I am very prone to colds and throat infections... I'm pretty sure I had strep for a year straight. (Lots of misdiagnosis.) So it is likely that.

But wouldn't it be just my luck this year? I should have gotten the H1.N1 vaccine if I was still pregnant. But I'm not. So no vaccine for me until at least December. So watch me go and get it when I'm supposed to be flying for Thanksgiving in two days! :(

I took my temp before I left today and it was normal, and then throughout the day I was worried that it had risen... so I went to the nurse. (Benefit of working in a school!) 98.1. Phew.

Looks like it's just a cold. (Knock on wood!) I'd hate to have to cancel my trip. Plus, tomorrow is my follow up to our blood tests with Dr. Z. Wish me no surprises!

Knife to the heart

I have a friend from HS- we were very close our senior year and for a number of years afterwards. She is one of two HS friends I have kept in touch with (outside of FB) over the past fifteen years. She is not married, but in a long term committed relationship and they have a four year old who was "not planned but not prevented". A few weeks ago, I read on her blog that she was pregnant again. Today, she posted on FB about hearing the heartbeat. When people asked her when she was due, she revealed her due date.

May 1.

One day after I would have been due.

My mind started racing with all the reasons this is unfair. But it just comes down to my own jealousy and despair. It has literally ruined my day.

I hate what infertility has done to me when I can't even be happy for an old friend.

Damn it.

Longest week ever

Seriously. The shit hit the fan at school with some systemic issues and I've spent hours reading/sending emails from/to parents. Peanut has been a nightmare this week and I'm really tired of dog poop. I'm exhausted and my eyes hurt and if it wasn't Friday, I might lose my mind.

That's all I've got.

Flower power

I'm always shocked at how much it costs to send someone flowers.

It always seems like such a nice gesture. It's always very exciting at my school when someone get flowers- everyone wants to know: "who are they from?" "what's the occasion?"

I've been 'sent' flowers four times in my life. For my eleventh birthday from my aunt and uncle who lived in NY. For my fifth dating anniversary from my college boyfriend. (There was no sixth anniversary...) For my second anniversary (sent to school- exciting!) from my husband. (He was out of town for an optional training he really wanted to do. Flowers were the consolation prize for me- though still appreciated.) For a "cheer-up" this summer. I'm always excited to get them. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I try not to think of the expense.

My mom's birthday was yesterday. She lives 1500 miles away and while we talk weekly, we don't see each other all that much. My mom loves her birthday. I meant to buy her a card- I'm seeing her in a week and bringing some presents so I didn't buy a specific gift- but didn't do it in time. So I thought to send her flowers.

I went on the F.TD website... many of the "favorites" were... just not my mom...(roses, carnations, mums...) Then I searched for 'lilies' She loves calalilies. They had some colored ones- super pretty. I looked at the price.

$50.

Really? For 18 stems? And a basic glass vase? (Plus another $15 for shipping. Not even delivery from a florist. Fe.dEx in a box.) I almost didn't do it... but I decided what-the-hell. My mom is 62. Young in one sense, but you never know for sure how many birthdays are left.

I sent them to her work. I thought that would be more fun for her. When I called her yesterday afternoon she was literally breathless. So excited and surprised. The front office at her work called her to pick up "a box for you". She thought it was a box for her office and was so surprised it was for her. And the box? She loved it. She said it was packaged so decadently with gold fabric. And she reminded me "I love lilies."

So the $64.99? Totally worth it.

Bad day

I'm kind of having a bad day.

I'm exhausted. I don't know why. I went to bed at 9:30. Peanut practically slept through the night (until 4am). I brought lunch today. I got coffee this morning.

But I'm feeling cranky and tired and blue. I dreamed about B-dog last night. It wasn't a bad dream, but wasn't anything special. It's odd, because I've been hoping I'd dream about her just to see her and touch her... but I woke up feeling unsettled.

I'm a little concerned that my blog has been discovered by someone I know. (Other than the someone I already know found it.) I base this on the two "where are you?" widgits I have and the towns that have popped up. Clearly, tons of people live in any town. I guess it's the chance I take by having a public blog, even if I do my best to be anon. Maybe I should change the name to something boring... but I like the name. And, actually, doesn't it match? My concern is that someone I know will find my blog and be upset/pissed/offended by the bitchiness I occasionally spew. *sigh* I don't know. Does it even matter? It's not like everyone is always saying nice things about me anyway. And usually, if they are saying it, it's to someone who knows me. (A mutual friend, a spouse, etc.) I guess it's not very golden-rulish. Clearly, I'm definitely feeling bitchy today.

I feel like I need something but I don't know what. A vacation? A hug? A nap?

Don't you all get tired of my crankiness??? I'm pretty tired of my crankiness...

We don't need no stinkin' baby!*

Who needs a baby to be sleep deprived?

Peanut spent Thursday night gagging like there was something lodged in her throat. I tried water, bread, massaging her trachea... nothing worked. She gagged and spit up until about 3am. Then whatever was irritating her seemed to subside. Awesome since I had to wake up at 5.

She woke up Friday feeling fine. Figured I would get some great Friday night sleep, and sleep in on Saturday morning.

Nope.

2am- Peanut has to pee.
3:30am- Peanut has to poop.
5:30am- Peanut wants to eat.
5:40am- Peanut has to poop again.
6:00am- Peanut is awake and wants to play. Challenges M-dog to a wrestling match in our bedroom.

At this point I got out of bed. Figured there was no reason for both me and III to be kept awake. Led the dogs downstairs, and set myself up on the couch. M-dog eventually decided he'd rather cuddle with me than wrestle with Peanut, so she had to resign herself to hanging out on the couch for a while.

And I can't remember the last time III and I had sex, but I'm pretty sure it's only been once since Peanut came to live with us.

*I just thought this title was funny. Of course, I still want a baby- stinkin' or otherwise.

Hamster on a wheel

I have a pile of papers to grade and am just not motivated. And I'm giving a test in 2 classes tomorrow, which will just add to the pile!!!

I woke up today feeling less dark. I put on a sweater that III bought me last year for my birthday and am wearing my favorite bracelet. I got a new wool coat which I really like, and the weather was perfect to wear it today, too.

I talked to KB on the phone on the way in, got here in time to get a parking space, and used my early morning time productively planning and making copies for the next few days.

Then there was a team meeting.

Then there was a parent meeting.

Then there was more copying and filing of originals so they don't get lost.

Then I finally had a class to teach... and they needed major redirection.

So now I'm tired again. And I still have three more classes. All I want is a nap. Tonight is puppy school too. I just want the weekend to get here.

I just can't catch up!!!

I think I suck. **update**

No school today. Phew! I needed a day.

So I spent the morning with KB and her cutie M. M just makes me smile. She's almost three and she acts it! But she's so smart and spunky and I love spending time with her.

I feel like I'm such a lump lately, though. I am sure I was not a very entertaining friend. I'm not very positive or optimistic. I'm actually feeling very "dark and twisty". As much as I loved seeing M and as much as I cherish the time I spend with KB, it wasn't really "fun". And I'm sure it wasn't for KB either.

I'm not worried about it causing an issue in our friendship right now. I know KB loves me and that she understands why I am the way I am right now. I just wish I wasn't.

I had therapy this week and my therapist told me that nothing I am feeling or doing right now is unwarranted. Nothing is over the top. I am feeling and acting appropriately for how my life has been. She gave me permission to be unproductive and to grieve, as long as I'm not wallowing (as that could make me feel worse). (Those are my words, not hers, but was the general gist of things.)

To continue our shitty fall, III's dad is back in the hospital. After his cardiac arrest two months ago, they put in an internal de.fibrillator. It shocked him four times in twelve hours. That's bad. It means either his heart isn't working properly or his IDB isn't working properly. I haven't spoken to III- he's at work and didn't want to talk- just sent me a text. We just really need a break.

Not getting one in the next hour or so, though. I'm off to see Dr. Z for my hystosonogram or whatever it's called. Keep your fingers crossed for me that things are clear enough to progress without any necessary procedures or surgeries first. :(

**update

I guess it's called a "Sonohystogram". Whatever it was, it's clear. The fibroid that has been there since the beginning does not "infringe" upon my uterine cavity, according to Dr. Z. He said everything looks good. :) My nurse, Donna, even said that I had a "beautiful endometrial lining". LOL. So now we wait for the blood tests to come back, which hopefully will happen before 11/24 which is when we sit down with Dr. Z to decide where to go next. Let's hope it's directly to FET which hopefully will lead directly to a 9 month pregnancy... *sigh*

Tuesday Q&A

I have a question for you ladies.

Many people have posted about being assaulted by Face.book statuses (statii? LOL) announcing pregnancies. I know from personal experience what a punch in the gut that can be. :(

When I was (briefly) pregnant, one of the things I thought quite a bit about was how I was going to announce my pregnancy to various people. Some people clearly would warrant a phone call, others an email... but there are plenty of 'friends' on Face.book with whom my only contact is FB.

So I started thinking... it is painful when one discovers yet another FB friend who is expecting- especially one who you wouldn't expect to be expecting.

So here's my question: What do you think the easiest way for you to find out these pregnancies (from people with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact) would be? Would you prefer a FB "note" to a status update? A status update to a u/s photo? Something else?

Just curious. :)

In exchange for your answers... I thought I'd do a personal Q&A as well. I've seen others do it and haven't yet. Anything you want to ask about me? TTC related or otherwise? If anyone does, I'll post answers Wed and/or Thurs.

:)

Vampire food

I had to have blood work done today. I usually go in for my blood appointments at the earliest time, around 7am. They told me I couldn't have a 7am appointment (at first I thought she didn't know what she was talking about, but it turns out they won't do day 3 b/w until after 8). It usually takes me 13 minutes to get to my RE from my work, and then MAYBE 10 minutes total waiting to be called and getting my blood drawn. Since I couldn't go in before school, I made my appointment for 9:30. I didn't teach 2nd period, so I figured if I left right after 1st period, I'd get there a little early, and since it's sign in first-come-first-served for b/w they might take me early. I figured I'd have plenty of time to get back for 3rd period and I was even hoping I might be able to stop for coffee.

13 minutes turned into 25. Apparently, all the old ladies are on the town roads at 9am. Then I get stopped for a train on the way there. I finally got there, right at 9:30 and had a few minutes wait. Then I get the stupidest phlebotomist in the whole place. (Okay. She wasn't stupid. Just old and slow and I think not a regular in that office.) It took her fifteen minutes just to get the paperwork set up, as she had lots of questions for the other phlebotomist and had to keep checking some chart. At that point, it was 13 minutes until my class started, so clearly I wasn't going to make it back. I asked to use her phone (to call my team mates and let them know so that someone could tell my kids what to start on (and make sure they weren't killing each other). She gave me a funny look but said yes.

It turns out, part of the reason it was taking so long and apparently the reason they wouldn't let me come in early, is that she had to take fifteen vials of blood. Definitely a record for me. (Nine was my top before.) As I'm about to jump out of my skin afterwards, because my class is starting in just three minutes, she had to write my name on every vial.

I got in my car at the exact time the bell was ringing for my period 3 to start. The old ladies were still on the road, but I would guess I did some speeding because I made it back in about 14.5 minutes.

Moral of the story: I should just take a sick day when I have appointments. I have close to 100 of them, and it would certainly be less stressful. Oh, and I'm going to have to buy my team members some nice Christmas presents this year.

And so it begins...again...

As foretold by the past week of crankiness and weepiness, I got my period yesterday afternoon. Six and a half weeks post D&C, so that's pretty much on schedule. Day 3 b/w tomorrow and I have to call tomorrow to make an appointment for my saline sonogram.

So here we go again.....