Thursday, October 20, 2011

Long time no post...

Sorry that I suck and haven't updated. The pathetic thing is that it's mainly because I've changed my main email to gmail, and so I'm always signed in as that. I have to sign out in order to update here. What a stupid excuse, huh?

With infertility, especially dealing with it for as long as we did, you spend so long trying to get pregnant, and trying to stay pregnant and just focusing on being pregnant that you almost lose sight of the ultimate goal- there's (hopefully) going to be a real live baby at the end of this!

G-man is just over 2 months old and sometimes I'm still in shock that I am his mother. I grew him in my belly. He belongs to me. My dad posted a picture of him on his own account today. And I looked at the picture and still got that little shock of that's really my kid!

So, having a baby. It has it's ups and downs, and that pretty much sums up our days. I'm exhausted. But G-man has started to settle into a nighttime schedule, so not as exhausted as I was a month ago. I don't love breastfeeding. But it's been a little better over the last few weeks, and it's definitely working for G-man- his weight has increased 75% from his birthweight and almost twice as much as he was when he came home from the hospital. I miss my husband. But my favorite part of this parenting thing so far is the look III gives G-man when he comes home.

Being "an infertile" and, to be honest, especially being part of the infertility blogging community, I feel like there is a vibe out there for many people (especially those of you who are still struggling with all of your might to become parents) that those of us who have babies should be happy about it all of the time. Or even if we're not, we shouldn't mention it publicly, and especially not bloglicly.

But it's effing hard.

And I knew it would be hard. No one pretends that it's easy to be a parent, especially to an infant. That said, there is just no way to wrap your brain around just how hard it is unless you are in it. Not just "once you've been there"... but unless it's happening to you right now. (If that wasn't true, we'd have a lot more only children out there.)

But there is also was no way for me to understand, no matter how intellectually I knew it would be the case, how it would feel when my baby son looks at me as I'm talking to him and smiles into my eyes. How I'd feel almost physical pain myself when he was crying out in pain and I couldn't figure out why. How my heart would swell, as if it was going to burst, when, despite others' attempts to pacify him, he stops fussing as I take him and he snuggles his face into my neck.

It was all worth it. It is all worth it.

(But I'm still tired as hell.)


Anonymous said...

Well said! It is hard, and marvelous.

Katie said...

So sweetly and honestly written..and it stays hard, but every new stage is better and better. And even when you're exhausted beyond belief and your patience is worn thin, they are worth every single second, right? Your little man is so lucky to have you. Congrats!

Anonymous said...

Preach on, Sister! Couldn't have said it better myself.

Anonymous said...

I know...I don't think I was prepared at just how hard it was going to be. So glad all is going well Just Me. But the first two months are SOOO hard...the rewards of those first few weeks get even bigger the older he gets. My nearly 17 week old is soo much fun now. He's got his moments (when gets off schedule) but like you...wouldn't trade it for the world. So lucky!

Frenchie said...

It's okay to admit you're tired! It IS effing hard...but so great. So happy for you. Do we get to see pictures?????