Watching GA reruns...

"I feel like one of those people who are so freaking miserable that they can't be around normal people. Like I'll infect the happy people." ~Meredith

I need to update...

...and I will... but not tonight.

I do have a question though... not sure if anyone knows the answer. My googling has been in vain.

When dealing with infertility coverage (which I know many people have NONE of) is it better to have a PPO or an HMO? I officially took a leave from work, which means I need to change to III's insurance. He has a PPO, but we have the choice between the two. If you are NOT in a state that mandates infertility coverage (boooooo that we're moving from one that DOES to one that DOESN'T), is one more likely to cover some of the expenses than the other?

Any info anyone has would be super helpful!!!!

How selfish is too selfish?

When you are dealing with infertility, especially over a long period of time, there comes a point when you realize you have to be selfish. You need to avoid baby showers and people who just 'don't get it.' You need to nurture yourself and do whatever you need to do to stay sane.

But where is the line?

We're visiting my family right now. Different members of my family know different levels of what is going on with us. My cousin probably knows the most. My parents, the least. (Well, some of my cousins know even less, but they don't really care one way or another, so I've left them out of my scale.)

I've talked a bit before about why I've kept so much from my parents. My mom has major anxiety issues. Far worse than mine, and she's never been treated for them, therapeutically or medicinally. My dad.... well, he's a New Yorker in many senses of all that those words imply. He doesn't mean to, but he just can be really abrasive and say the wrong thing. For example, when I first told them that we were having trouble and were seeing a doctor, he followed up by asking me that if we had a boy whether we were going to have a bris.* Hmm. Gee, dad. Not really in my top ten concerns right now.

I've always been kind of closed mouthed with my parents about everything for those reasons as well as others. At this point, they know we are having fertility treatments. My mom recently asked "Did they do the thing yet where they take the eggs out?" Yes, mother. They did the thing.

Another annoyance- even when I tell them, they forget. Seriously? How can you forget I told you about the thing with the eggs? It's kind of a big deal? But yesterday, I was talking to my mom's sister about it, because her daughter is a cancer survivor and going to have to have IVF because of some complications that went along with her treatments. My mom comes running up and says "wait wait wait! I didn't get to hear any of that!" I told her- "Mom, you already know." She said "No I don't! I didn't know you were doing IVF!" I said "Yes, you asked me directly. Remember? The thing with the eggs?"

So anyway. They don't know about my miscarriages. I just honestly feel like I can't deal with all of their questions and worry. I told my cousin (the one who is going to have IVF) "I'll tell you about everything we have gone through, but I haven't told my mom everything... because... well, you know." and she kind of made a face and said "Oh, I know." So It's not just in my head.

Anyway... back to my title... I know that it bothers my parents that I keep stuff from them. I know they wish they knew more. I even know that they know that part of the reason I do it is because of how they have handled situations in the past. But I feel bad that they feel out of the loop. It's hard, because initially I was telling myself I was leaving them out of the loop for my mom- because I felt like she'd get so upset. But now I have to admit that I'm keeping certain parts from them for myself- because I feel like mom would get so upset but I don't want to deal with that.

I don't like being selfish. But right now, to be honest, I want to be.

*I was raised Jewish, III was raised Catholic. What exactly we plan to do with our children is still 100% up in the air, and both of our parents have been informed of that.

Random thoughts

If I hadn't lost my first pregnancy, I'd have a fourteen week old baby right now. It would make this trip very, very different.

If I hadn't lost my second pregnancy, I'd be sixteen weeks pregnant with twins. Also, a very different trip.

But I'm not pregnant. I don't have a baby. But I have my dogs, and they are my babies. We leave tomorrow to visit my family and leave them with a dog sitter who I don't know. I'm sure things will be fine, but I'm nervous. I'll miss them.

In other news.... my MIL is a very nice woman. She means well. But I just don't like her very much. Isn't that horrible??? One of my fears about moving here was her. Right now, she is confirming that fear. I'm hoping as we're here longer, she will chill. But I don't know. Fingers crossed....

I'm looking forward to Saturday. I planned a surprise party and it's all coming together.

I'm also looking forward to seeing my nephew. He's almost two and a half now, and I just love that age.

I realized this week that my surgery will coincide with when I would have been halfway through my most recent pregnancy. Awesome.

I also realized, with my surgery, it will be fall 2011 before I could even possibly have a baby. Fuck.

That's all I've got today. Probably won't be back until next week.

We're here.

The trip was long but uneventful. Dogs did awesome. I was exhausted, but III did most of the driving, so I don't really have anything to complain about.

I'm not really happy to be here. The reality is hitting me that we're probably more or less here for good. And it's not really where I want to be.

And honestly? I have no desire to live near my in-laws. Or my family, to be perfectly frank. I wish we lived closer than we did. But not close. I know that is obnoxious. And selfish. But it's true. And yesterday it hit me- at home it's just me and III. And I like it. I worry how this will change our relationship. :(

But last night when we went to bed, I told III "I love you so much." and he replied, "I know you do. That's why we're here." So I know he appreciates it.

In other news-

I talked to my ex boyfriend on FB last night. It was interesting. He is definitely not in any way "the one who got away". But we were together for a long time, and so he's a big part of my history. It was nice to have a friendly chat with him and hear how he and his family are doing.

I had an orientation to volunteer at the local animal shelter yesterday. I'm glad to have something to do where I'll be meeting people and helping animals. I'm a little worried that I'm not going to meet "my kind of people", but that's a stupid worry to have right now so I just need to go with it.

I have scheduled my fibroid surgery for August 5. So I'll have to fly home for that week (pre op blood test and u/s are on the 3rd).

I miss KB like crazy already. Is it abnormal to be so attached to your BFF?

Exercise routine to start... soon? I could start today... but the holiday weekend... bah. Maybe I'll start next week.

On the road (almost)

We leave in less than twelve hours for our seventeen hour drive. (Split into two- about 13 and 4.)

I'm so anxious!!!

We barely fit everything in the car, and that was after mailing like four boxes ahead. As he packed the car, I kept expecting III to get mad, but he didn't. Either he's working at being patient for me or he's just feeling zen... or both.

The dogs know that something crazy is going on. M-dog is moping around and won't eat. Peanut is FREAKED and won't let me out of her sight.

I just want it to be Wednesday afternoon.... *sigh*

KB is supposed to come by tonight and I'm kind of dreading it. Not that I don't want to see her, but I know she's kind of freaking out too and so... *sigh*

Anyway. Just wanted to update. See you on the other side...

Preparation

We are leaving in four days.

There is so much to do that I am having a hard time getting motivated to do it. Does that even make sense? It's the procrastinator in me I guess. Or it could be the constant state of panic that lives in my chest- because I'm not convinced we're coming back. This temporary relocation could very realistically turn into a permanent move. Ugh.

Along with the million of things to pack and appointments to cover, we have friends who want to see us. As much as I want to see our friends, I am not feeling like attending all of these social events, no matter how casual they are. I saw KB and her kids yesterday- it was a nice time to spend with them, but I really wanted to be home preparing and relaxing (if it's possible to do both at once). Tonight we're having dinner with III's old work partner and his wife. Again, I wish I didn't have to put on a cute outfit and drive into the city, even though I love the city and know I'll have a nice time. Tomorrow is dinner with KB and her husband. Ditto on tonight.

I just want to be there. I'll miss being here and miss my friends... but I really just need to be somewhere where there are very few expectations on me. I have some plans that will make it so I'm not just sitting on my butt the whole time... but they are minor.

With all this worry, how is it that it hasn't turned into any weight loss? LOL

Irritated

Things that irritated me today:

• I left a note last week asking the cleaners to come today. They didn't. I don't know if he misunderstood the note or what, but now I have to call because I also told them not to come again after that until the end of August, and if they misunderstood that part of the note they are going to set the alarm off.
• The USPS appears to have lost (or delayed) 2-3 important pieces of mail. One was one I sent to get reimbursed by my insurance for the PGD. (This I can resend.) One was the only copy of a photo from my sister's hs graduation that she sent me to be included in a surprise for my parents. (She sent it eleven days ago.) The third is a cd I bought online to be played at my parents' anniversary party. It was sent on June 9. Even if these are just super delayed, if I don't get them by Monday, I can't use them for the party because we leave on Tuesday. I do hope we get the photo, though, either here or sent back to my sister.
• Also a USPS complaint: we can't sign up for a PO box until we get to our location for the summer. So we don't have anywhere for our mail to be forwarded, which means there are several days of delivery until we can give a forwarding address. Plus, and this isn't their fault I GUESS, but we can't have any UPS or FedEx stuff sent to a PO box. But we're not sure they'll deliver to our way out of the way house...
• There are no cable companies who have service in the area where we will be living this summer, so we won't have any cable and can't set up internet. I had to buy a USB modem through my cell company. And then buy a cell signal booster because our cell service isn't awesome there.
• I couldn't connect my usb modem online so I had to talk to a ver.izon salesman on the phone to connect it, and he of course tried to sell me all sorts of shit I don't need.
• My fucking HCG is still >1!!!! It's at 2.5 so I have to go back for ANOTHER beta. Damnit!!!
  

Ok. I feel a little better now...

Fibroid

Yesterday was my appointment with the doctor who is going to take out my fibroid.

The only bad part was the drive. Her office is at a hospital in the city (it's actually the same office where my OBGYN used to be) and it was a pain to get there at 3pm. Gah.

But once I was there....

I really liked her. She was very nice and personable, but informative and knowledgeable. We chatted about my history (Dr. Z had sent her an email) and she did a pelvic. She then explained how the surgery works. She'll be using a da Vin.ci Sur.gical Sys.tem. (I'm such a geek. It was all I could do not to blurt out "Oh yeah! I saw that on Gre.y's Ana.tomy!) It's a little daunting to hear all of the possible (though most with a "less than one percent chance" as she kept telling me) complications, but what other option do I have?

She could have done the surgery NEXT THURSDAY!!! But we're leaving for our summer on Tuesday. Damn. What we decided is that we will probably fly back midway through our trip for a few days for me to have the surgery. Since it is laproscopic, I shouldn't even have to stay overnight and she said after a day or two I wouldn't have any travel restrictions.

So next step is that her office is going to call me with some dates, and we'll decide when to do it. I'm glad I liked her so much, because that always makes something like this much easier.

I'm off to meet III at the counselor's again. This is our second visit, but the last one before we head out.

Hidden talent

Thanks for all of your support on my last post. It is true that people are certainly more apt to be harsh on email than in person or on the phone (though, as a teacher, I've had my share of those as well). I do, however, like that I can really think out my response on email, and run it by others before sending it along to it's intended recipient.

Luckily, one of my hidden and rarely needed talents is that I'm fabulous letter writer. I don't mean to toot my own horn... but I've been told so by others, and my letters and emails get the desired result the much of the time.

Over the last twelve years, I've really honed my parent-email skills. With suggestions from my mentors as well as some trial and error with my own experience, I've worked hard to create a balance of defusing the parent's anger/anxiety and making compromises while supporting my opinion and teaching philosophies.

In this situation, along with the very harsh language he used, this father cc'd his email to my principal, the school system superintendent, and three members of the school committee. My response was "reply all". In my response, I agreed that his daughter was a hard worker, I discussed my observations about this specific situation and I explained my reasoning for my decision.

Then I addressed the language he used by mirroring it in my own email:

"I am sorry that you were disturbed by my resolution. I am disturbed that you feel I have been 'corrupt', especially considering I have worked closely with your daughter this year, before and after school as well as during class, when she needed help and when she was out with her illness. I have made an effort to encourage your daughter and help her be successful and confident with the curriculum. It is unfortunate that this one incident, on which we disagree, has led you to this conclusion about my class."

The next day, I got a contrite apology. He stated that he still disagreed with me on this particular situation, but that he thought I had been a good teacher and that his daughter had had a good year.

The final email I got on this surprised me. One of the school committee members sent an email to me, cc'ing only the principal and superintendent. She told me she thought my response to the parent was "thoughtful and completely reasonable" and that in her experience in the school system as a parent and a committee member she thought my resolution was appropriate. She then said "I am very sorry you had to experience this. I hope you have a wonderful weekend (and summer!) and that you do not give this much additional thought."

This email was so validating to me. It is one thing for my colleagues to be indignant for me, as they can put themselves in the same situation and also many are my friends. It is one thing for my husband to express that he thinks this is ridiculous because... well, he's my husband and he's supposed to stand up for me! But for an unrelated member or the community, who was pulled into this but is not really involved, to basically say "this guy was out of line" made me feel good. And I was pleased that my email was one that not only received the desired response from the parent, but was appreciated by the others who had become peripherally involved.

So I guess alls well that ends well.

But I'm still relieved and thrilled that school is out and I don't have to deal with another middle school parent until September....

...if even then. But that's a post for another day.

Tired of it all

I wish I was better at letting things go.

I got a nasty email from a parent today. It's a situation where I did what I thought was best. Was I 100% right? Unlikely. But when are we ever? Do I understand where dad is coming from? Yes. I just don't understand why he had to be so awful about it. He told me I was sending his daughter a "message of corruption and cynicism". For real?

But I do stand by what I chose. And I don't think his daughter will be scarred. In fact, I think she will learn from it (which was why I made the choice in the first place). She's actually a great kid. If she lives the rest of her life mad at me because of it... well, honestly, I don't think she would have if her dad hadn't intervened the way he did.

I'm exhausted. I have nothing left for this shit. And dealing with parents like this is the worst part of my job.

Does no one have any perspective anymore?

But I digress.

I wish I could let this go. I emailed him back. My email was firm, but not nasty. (I had two coworkers read it before I sent it.) But it is still bothering me. Part of me... I want to be right. Even though, as I mentioned above, I'm sure there is no 100% "right". Part of me is hurt-taking it personally. I like this kid, and I've worked hard to help her this year. I've stayed after school with her. I wrote her recommendations for private school. And THIS is the only email I've ever gotten from this parent?

I've been thinking about it non stop since I received the email eight hours ago. I cried over it... some of my students saw me. "Are you okay?" they asked... not knowing that the question only makes it harder for me not to cry. It literally ruined my day. I'm nervous that, despite my email, he might show up at my classroom tomorrow.

I have nothing left for this kind of nonsense.

I'm just so tired.

Wax on, wax off...

I went out to visit my cousin this weekend. She's getting married in the fall, and I'm a bridesmaid. I had to get 'fitted' for my dress. (which was not fun... my waist has grown 6" in the four years since my fitting for my own wedding dress. Ugh.)

After our trip to the dress store, she asked me if I had any desire to "visit Hannah". Hannah is her waxing woman. She does an amazing job on her eyebrows. My eyebrows, however, were not what needed waxing....

So we went. And she took my cousin first. Cousin was getting an eyebrow and a bikini wax. Hannah was apparently running behind, as 2 girls came in at 3pm for a 3pm appointment, while I was still waiting. So Hannah's colleague, Barb, asked if she could take care of me. I didn't care... I didn't have any connection to Hannah, and it's not like I haven't had eight hundred new people see my business in the last year.

So she takes me in back. I asked her if she wanted me to take off my underwear completely (some places have those little disposable things...) and she said yes. I was wearing a maxi dress, so I took off my tangas, hiked up my dress, and climbed up on the table.

I should have read the warning signs better. First of all, she didn't ask me what I preferred in terms of how much to wax. I don't know why I didn't think to specify before she began. Second of all, she was this little teeny Chinese woman who could barely reach the table. Why didn't I think that might make it difficult?

The third was really the red flag though.

Barb has me up on the table with my legs spread eagle, and the door flies open! I throw my dress down between my legs as Hannah storms in. Cousin had mentioned I didn't need an eyebrow wax because I tend to overpluck (it's true) and Hannah apparently just had to take a look right then. Luckily, no one was in the hall or they would have probably seen all the way up to my tipped uterus.

Anyway. From there it just got worse. I've had bikini waxes before, but this... this was the most traumatic waxing I've ever had. Barb took it all off. And it HURT. I have a huge bruise right in the crease where my leg meets my 'area'. At one point, I almost stopped her. It was like that scene in 40 Year Old Vir.gin. I would have left there with only half of my parts bald. So I let it continue, even though I was ready to jump off of the table.

Plus, she was all up in my bits. Pushing, pulling moving things around. Places that usually only my husband goes...

Next she went after strays with a tweezers. Ouch!!! Ow!!! Enough!!!!! But it wasn't over- she had me turn over. This is not something I've ever had a waxer ask... and she took care of my bum... and my hips... and my back. At this point, I was so dumbfounded I couldn't even protest. She told me I had "lots of hair" (awesome. Just what a girl wants to hear...) and that they usually charge for that, but she was just going to do it for free... I think it was because she had caused so much pain on the other side. At this point, I glanced at her and noticed she was sweating- beads of sweat on her upper lip and forehead. Geez. I felt like Sasquatch. I have quite a bit of eastern European in me, but I didn't think my hairiness was THAT bad!!!

Finally it was over. I was literally shaking as I got off of the table. I was so relieved to be done! I dropped my dress down and picked up my underwear... and then Barb asks "Can I see it?" She wanted to admire her handiwork, I guess. I was like "Um, okay..." At that point, I figured what the hell? So I picked up my dress and stood there, naked from the waist down. There you go, lady.

I was so glad to get out of there... I texted III and told him "Cousin just took me to her waxing salon and I had the most thorough bikini waxing of my life. I'm a little bit traumatized. You might like it, though. Once I recover..."

I hope he doesn't like it too much, though, because it is the last time it will be like that. It looks like someone else's va-jay-jay; I don't recognize my bald bits. So that will be the last full Brazilian I get- leave me at least a landing strip!

Geez.