a WOW for support!

WOW.

Thanks to whoever submitted my blog to LFCA! When I got the first comment, I had no idea what it meant. Then as more poured in, I goo.gled it and found the blog. Thanks so much for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers. Honestly, this is probably messed up, but the most reassuring thing to me about it is knowing that this is a really crappy deal, and I'm not just feeling sorry for myself.

But, damn, do I feel sorry for myself.

Today I am wearing my new sweater and my favorite boots. But it's not helping because I am CRANKY. I want to be at home, in sweatpants, on the couch, watching some stupid TV show and wasting time on face.book. Instead, I have to stay late because it's my extra help day, and then I have a T-O-N of grading to do, because I'm still catching up from being out last week. Unfortunately, I could not feel any less motivated.

One of the only benefits of not being pregnant is that I went shopping at my favorite wine store yesterday and am excited about my purchases. Can't wait to uncork a new bottle tonight and see how it is.

Still hurting. :(

I feel like I compose blog entries in my head (usually when I'm trying to fall asleep, which then turns out to be counterproductive) and then when I get here, I don't know what to say.

After having very little bleeding, I started having more on Saturday. (Oh great. Just what I want while traveling.) It's still going today. It's not bad- I'm not worried. But continuous. With the bleeding came more feelings of loss. The miscarriage feels more real now. While I know it is likely that this baby wasn't meant to be born (whatever health/genetic issues it probably had) I'm sad that I won't be a mom by May.

On top of that, as I'd mentioned in passing, KB is pregnant. I was due two weeks before she is. Yesterday she was telling me how nauseous she is. Yeah, well. I wish I was nauseous. (Well, only if I was pregnant... but you get what I mean...) It's already really hard on both of us. Her 2 SILs were pregnant at the same time, and then one of them miscarried- she called and spoke to her about it because she's feeling like she doesn't know what to do. Neither do I. I'm her 'person'. But right now everything hurts so much that, even if she wasn't pregnant, I'm not sure how helpful I'd be. I'm feeling very anti-social right now, but it's super important to me to keep our friendship intact through this.

At this moment, as I type this, I'd say I'm generally feeling 'okay'. That is not usually the case. In general, I feel worse than I ever have before. I got my picture of B-dog in the mail yesterday and hung it up. It looks great. I miss her so much. Having the m/c hit me, it's just all too much. I feel like I have a huge space inside of my chest. I don't know how else to explain it. A hole. Empty but painful.

The hardest thing is that I am the type that I want to do something to fix whatever is wrong with me at any time. But there is nothing to do. I can't stop the hurt. I can't see my girl. I can't make myself pregnant. Nothing.

I have therapy today and I'm dreading it. It's just going to be rehashing everything and there is nothing she can do either.

I have done two things. I called my RE's office today. I have to set up a "follow up" appointment (ie: a WTF appt) with my doctor. She said he'll probably want to do a hystowhatever to see if I have polyps or fibroids. (Which I do. Have at least one fibroid- maybe two, according to icky u/s dr.) I also have been looking for another boxer. No dog will every replace B, but we need something happy and exciting in our life, and getting another dog will do that. Plus, M-dog is already lonely. I contacted the rescue we've used in the past, along with a second local rescue and have contacted 2 places about specific dogs' availabilities. So hopefully something will come through soon.

III and I decided that our Sept '09 was cursed. So I'm ready for October. It's my favorite month anyway, and our anniversary is right in the middle. Please, whoever is out there in charge, help things turn around for us. :( :( :(

Lost

I feel empty after losing my pregnancy.

I feel broken after losing my dog.

Brokenhearted

I've said this before; while I've never been one to believe that 'everything happens for a reason' I do believe that good things come from bad. While I never would have wanted to miscarry, the fact that I did and had a D&C on Tuesday necessitated that I be home on Wednesday. I'm so glad i was. B-dog woke up feeling really crappy, and by 10am I realized I couldn't bear to make her wait until our 4pm appt.

I called III at work and he came home. We took her at noon. I am glad I decided to do it at the vet clinic. She was so miserable and just lay on the floor, but when her doctor came in, she recognized her and wagged her tail. All three of us (III, me and the vet) cried through the whole thing. It was peaceful, but we're all just broken hearted about it.

I already miss her. I can't believe she's gone. I can't believe that when I go home from work today she won't be there. I can't believe that I won't be able to bury my face in her fur to make myself feel better about this (which is what I would have done, even when I was upset about her being sick). I can't fathom that I'm still here, living my day to day life, but she is no longer.

One of the hardest parts is that... she's a dog. Am I supposed to feel this way about a dog? I don't care, though. She was my best friend and made me feel a way no one else can.

I think M-dog has figured out what happened. When he first came home, and he realized she wasn't there, he looked for her. For a while. But throughout the evening he seemed to realize what had happened. I'm sure he knew she was very sick. He spent the rest of the night curled up looking sad... except when III left to go to a class. Then he sat on the stairs, looking for him, as if he was afraid he wouldn't come back either. I had a fabric collar of B's that I had taken off of her and it had been sitting on the living room ottoman for weeks. M came over to me and must have gotten a whiff of it, because he turned and started smelling it deeply. It made me sad- I didn't want him to get confused- so I put it away.

I can't imagine I will ever be completely healed from this, though I know it will get better- less painful. In the meantime I am doing whatever I can to feel better. I arranged to have her body picked up and cremated and the ashes are going to be sent to us via UPS. (Ironic because the UPS guy hated her.) I want to bury her ashes near a tree III planted a few years ago- for some reason, she had this constant compulsion to dig in the dirt around it. It drove III crazy, but it made me laugh. I loved when she did doggy things. :) I ordered a stone like this on et.sy to put near the tree- it will "match" the ring of stones III has used to surround the the tree while it's growing.
From the same shop, I ordered this pendant with B's name engraved on the back.
I should receive this in a week or two, and expect that it will take about the same amount of times to get her ashes. I can't have her with me anymore, but I can keep these memorials of her close to me. Hopefully it will help keep the pain in my heart more manageable. :(

Dual losses.

My brain is full but numb at the same time. I am up super early because I can't turn it off.

I didn't like the doctor who did my u/s. It wasn't my doctor- they send you to a different place for u/s. When he did the external, I commented that I had had one at 7 weeks at my clinic. He said "This is an IVF pregnancy?" I didn't like his tone. Now I know why there was a tone.

When he did the internal u/s it was amazing how much the fetus had grown in one week. Last week it looked like a seahorse shaped blob. This week I could see the shape of the body and could clearly see the head.

What I couldn't see was a heartbeat. It was conspicuously missing.

My baby stopped growing at 8w, four days before my appointment.

I had a D&C yesterday. I love, love, love my OBGYN. She totally squeezed me in so we could get it done asap and so it didn't interfere with our travel plans this weekend. (Family wedding-unavoidable.) Between my infertility status and my diagnosed anxiety disorder, my insurance will pay for chromosomal testing even though this is my first miscarriage. (My first. Please let it also be the last....) It will take two weeks to get the results.

III was obviously with me. I did okay for most of the intake. Until the idiot nurse we had, who was asking me questions in her obscenely cheerful voice like "How far along were you?" concluded her idiocy by asking "This was an IVF pregnancy?" Cue tears. Once I started, I couldn't stop.

Among the many, many awesome things about my OBGYN is her insistence that a patient be pretty much totally asleep for the procedure. The anesthesiologist was the opposite of idiot nurse. He actually gave me a bit of a giggle. As he's asking his questions, he said "This one's a little embarrassing..." I'm thinking, geez! What is he going to ask me? Followed by "Do you snore?" After he left the room, I said to III, "They are about to go in through my vagina to scrape out my uterus, and he thinks 'Do you snore?' is an embarrassing question???" LOL

I am having very little bleeding and am physically feeling fairly comfortable. My cramps are there but not even bad enough to have taken the motrin my doctor prescribed.

This pregnancy seems unreal. Like I imagined it. I never felt totally pregnant, and was worried for much of it that it would end like this. Sometimes I am okay, and then a few minutes later I'm in tears. In an email to my old roommate, I told her how I (morbidly maybe) always wondered how I'd feel in this situation in terms of losing a pregnancy-- losing a baby? A fetus? Turns out I feel similarly to how I thought. In my previous post about neo.natal loss, one of the things I found said that in Judaism, while they don't consider a baby to be a full person until it is born, a fetus is as important because of the potential of becoming a life. That's how I'm feeling. I don't feel the same as if I had lost a full term live BABY but I have lost the potential of this baby.*

I'm sure they will make me take a break. I plan to ask my doctor how much of the break is for emotional reasons. Because, for me, the hardest part of this is the loss of more time. I am ready to be a mom. I want that to happen as soon as possible.

*This says nothing of people who do feel the same as if they had lost a full term baby. It's just how I'm feeling.

*****************************************
Today is the day I have been dreading for almost five years.

This afternoon, we take B-dog to be euthanized.

It was such a hard decision for me, but III kind of put his foot down this week, which is probably what I needed. She has been quickly deteriorating over the past week. She is starting to have trouble eating and pooping. She tires very quickly. She is just not herself.

Except, sometimes she is. She wants cheese, and if we have it, she's going to sit pretty and look at us as if to say "See what a good girl I'm being!" She barks at the mailman and even last night, her last 9pm potty break, she ran outside to try and chase bunnies.

But she's restless at night instead of sleeping. She chooses the coolest spot on the hardwood floor (or this morning even the bathroom tile) instead of the cushy bed, which she has been invited onto. She's had accidents for the past three days.

I had originally planned to have a vet who was recommended by a friend come to the house to do it. As we made our final decision, I began to have second thoughts. Dr. C is the vet who did all of her cancer treatments. Dr. C loves my B-dog almost as much as I do. The rest of the staff there too- B is a super star there in a way that M-dog or other dogs I've seen there are not. People just love her. So I decided that a) it would give everyone there a chance to say goodbye and b) B would be with a vet who she knows and loves. I called to ask if she would do it, and Dr. C told me "Of course I will. It will kill me- just to warn you I'll cry. But I will do it." I told her we could cry together.

So I have nine hours left with my best friend. I plan to order pizza for lunch and share it with her- it's her favorite. III told me "I can go to the grocery store and get one of their frozen pizzas," but I told him "No, B prefers delivery."

This is going to break my heart. But it's time.

Out of control

I had a dream last night that I was driving my car in an icy parking lot. I was sliding all over and my brakes did nothing on the ice. Eventually, my car slammed into the front of another parked car and then kept going.

I guess it doesn't take a psychic to figure out what that dream means....

No heartbeat.

If I had the energy I could tell you in more detail about the hellish day I've had.

About how we've decided we will need to put B-dog to sleep this week.

About how I cried all morning about it at school.

About how my OB appt was over 30 minutes late.

About how when she sent me to the u/s office they didn't take me for over an hour.

But the subject line pretty much sums it up.

I don't know if I can do this again....

Be careful what you wish for....

I feel like shit today.

At least it's reassuring. LOL

I am wearing "slacks" today (my friends laugh at me when I use that word... I guess it's old fashioned?) that have an inside button and then 2 hooks. Yeah, not so much. I have it rigged up with 2 hair rubber bands, but still not ideal.

So the first thing I did when I got to school this morning was get online and buy a bel.la band. I think they should sell those for non pregnant women too. Wouldn't it be great for those "fat days" and feeling premenstrual? Or when you are in between sizes because you are on a diet/exercise plan?

My queasiness and shakiness (today's top symptoms) led me to tell my team (the other 3 teachers I work with who have the same students I do). One already knew- I've worked with her for over ten years and she's like an aunt to me (not quite old enough to be a "mom" ;-)). The others were excited for me and are sworn to secrecy until I'm comfortable coming "out" to the general public. I also told a PT counselor who works at our school and is 5 mo pregnant. It's hard not to share when she's telling me about her pregnancy. ;)

Just another reason why IF sucks.

Finally pregnant after close to two years... and I can't even enjoy it!

As I mentioned in my previous post, yesterday, and now today, I felt better than I have the last two weeks. Woohoo right? No. Of course that makes me super worried that the little creature in my uterus has stopped growing and I am having a missed miscarriage.

I am fully aware that symptoms can come and go. Plus, after my self imposed hiatus from the endo.metrin, I actually ran out last night and so didn't take it this morning (and more isn't coming until tomorrow, so another thing to worry about...). So that could be contributing.

It's not like I have no symptoms. My boobs have been sore from the beginning, though from what I've read not nearly as sore as many have, and they are still giving me plenty of twinges. When I eat alot my belly button hurts. III's eggs this morning made me need to open the window (though not as bad as on Monday). The apple cider vinegar trap we have set out for the nasty fruit flies in my classroom is also making me a bit nauseous. And my sense of smell is definitely more sensitive, as I feel like all of my students have bad breath today.

Despite all of this, I feel like my symptoms aren't as strong as they have been. And, in spite of my rational brain telling me to calm the heck down, my worry neurons are telling me it's bad.

I'm a worrier and probably would have this problem anyway. But IF has definitely made it stronger. Not to minimize anyone's miscarriage, but if I was "normal" (or like KB "advanced" in fertility, LOL) I would know that after a m/c I can "try again." If I was to m/c, it would be back to square one. Well, that's an exaggeration since we have frozen embryos. I guess it would be like square 3 or 4. But you get the idea.

Sorry I'm such a bitch and a whiner lately. I am just feeling very overwhelmed by all of this, and clearly sorry for myself. How pathetic. Thank god I have an OB appt on Monday, so I don't have to ruminate for too long before I can get some reassurance....

I may be back later today... I have some venting to do about others' expectations on me and feeling like a bad friend... :-/

UNcomfortable.

I woke up today a little less hungry and not very nauseous. Good, right? Except (you all understand) it makes me worry that there's something wrong. Of course, I am EXHAUSTED and the sore boobs are still around, so it's probably a useless worry.

I really just want to go home and take a nap. And now my stomach is rebelling in other ways and has me running to the bathroom. It appears it did not like the pretzels I ate an hour ago. Really? Pretzels???

I also am having another problem down below. I won't go into details, because I'm sure no one is interested in those sorts of details, but lets just say there's an irritation that gets more irritated every time I a) have to wipe after a potty break, b) have to insert that progesterone supplement and c) have to wear a pad to "catch" any mess from the progesterone supplement. So it is not healing and is very uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough that I did not take my afternoon and evening progesterone last night in hopes of helping it along. Of course, that then contributes to my concern about my lack of nausea.

(Though typing that, I realize maybe that IS the reason for my lack of nausea, but not because of a dead fetus but because of the lower progesterone... I get to stop the supps all together in a little over a week, so it will be interesting to see what that does to my symptoms...)

I made my first OB appointment. It was a little tough to schedule, because my doc wants to see me at 8 weeks (which is Thursday! Eek!) even though I just had an u/s last week. So it has to be a noon appointment, which is not very convenient for a teacher. So I made it for Monday, and I'll take a half day- teach in the morning and get a sub for the afternoon. There's not really another option. I'm calling in sick on that Friday already for a family event, so I didn't want to be completely out on Monday too. I am not sure what they will do at this appt. I'm pretty sure they are not doing an u/s since I just had one. The secretary said it's about a half hour appt. I guess we'll see. I'm hoping I can get some clarification on my due date. According to the online calculator I used, with a retrieval date of 8/6 I should have a due date of 4/29. Dr. Z told me my due date is 5/1, but then he told me that I was 7w along last Thursday, which matches with a 4/29 due date. Notice I finally put the little widget up... I used the 4/29 due date so my week/day measurement would match what I've been told...

I'm not feeling like a very pleasant person right now. I feel like when I talk to people I'm just irritating them. I feel like III is irritated with me. In a total 180 from last year, I actually only feel like an interesting, productive, talented person when I'm teaching. I seem to have a good group this year and they seem to be enjoying class so far. But then, isn't that a dichotomy- I only feel (emotionally) good at work but I have a huge urge to stay home. Blah.

Aren't you glad you can just shut the browser after reading my blog today and not have to put up with me???? LOL

Mopey Sunday

I'm feeling mopey today. I'm also tired and still icky feeling. But mostly just blue. I guess I'll chalk it up to hormones. I also feel kind of fat. I'm only seven weeks and I've gained five pounds! What the heck? But I can't do anything about it, because the less I eat the more nauseous I feel. I've been trying to stick to healthier food... maybe some of it is water?

We went to a party for III's work last night. All they had to drink was beer, wine, and water. I should have thought about that and brought some soda myself. He's told a few of his friends at work- 3 who were at the party. Another friend (who was in our wedding) sent III a text message in the middle of the party: "Your wife is drinking water." LOL I'd guess he's not the only one who figured it out. Oh well, I guess that goes with the territory. The friends who he did tell are so, so excited. It's nice to see how much people like III.

The same friend who guessed why I wasn't drinking has a 3 month old baby. III was really caught up with the baby- tickling him and rubbing his head. It was super cute.

I'm going to sit around for a while and be unproductive. It's going to be a long week! Might as well rest up for it.

I want a widget

I've been waiting for almost two years to be pregnant.

It's silly... but I want one of those widgets. You know, the one with the little growing fetus in it that counts up and down your pregnancy days.

But I'm scared. Superstitious. I figured I'd wait until we had a heartbeat and a due date. Now we have both. But I'm nervous to put one up... to tempt fate.

The stupidest part of that is that I don't believe in fate.

Here's one for the symptom watch: the smell of scrambled eggs makes me nauseous. Unfortunately, every morning, III eats scrambled eggs for breakfast. I can smell them all the way up in the bedroom. Ugh.