I DO have an anxiety disorder, after all...

We got the call about FIL's heart at 11 last night.

But it wasn't ready. Transplants... so conflicting. You are hoping for the best for your loved one, while someone else is losing their loved one.

Anyway. Long story short... 8:30am surgery turned into 11am surgery turned into 1:30pm surgery... they began operating at 3:15pm.

I've heard from III a few times. Everything going well... 4-6 hour surgery....

Last text I got... surgery should be another 30-60 minutes. "So far so good."

That was 80 minutes ago.

The rational part of my brain knows that when the surgery was over, the main priority is NOT to text/call me.

But I'm nervous that I haven't heard yet. I hope III calls soon. And I hope it's good news.

But. My brain always goes "worst case scenario". So I'm kind of freaking out.

I'm itching to call. But I know it's not about me. III promised to let me know. And I know he will as soon as he can. But bad news or good, there are other things that come first. Talking to the doctors. Maybe seeing his dad. Making plans for the night and tomorrow.

But I'm freaking out.

finally, some good news (we hope!!!)

We just got the call that they think they have a heart for III's dad.

If you're a frequent reader, you know that I'm kind of agnostic, and definitely not a prayer... but if you are, please send up some prayers for us that this is the real thing for FIL and that it's successful.

Wordless Wednesday: Boxer Love

Myomectomy

I'm posting this not just as an update about me, but as info for others who are going to have the procedure and are looking for information.

My surgery was scheduled for 7:30am on Thursday. Which meant Wednesday was the bowel prep. Awesome.

If you've ever had a colonoscopy*, you'll find this is similar. I had to stick to a clear liquid diet all day. At 9am, I had to take an otc laxative, then as soon as I had a bm, I had to drink that drink. I had to drink 8 oz every 10 minutes. It was 2 L worth of liquid. Uck.
30 minutes after I took my first drink (so on my 4th), I thought "Hmm. Nothing has happened yet."

Ten minutes later I was running for the toilet holding my bum...

So yeah. That part isn't super fun. Two hours later, I still had moments where I needed to be on the toilet. (TMI alert:) At that point, it was just liquid- like, peeing out of my butt. Kind of bizarre... I also ended up with some hemorrhoids. Ick.
So anyway. I went to bed, hungry but empty! 4:30am came quick. My original plan had been just to shower the night before, jump out of bed and into the car. But at my pre-op, they gave me a surgical scrub with specific instructions. Shower the night before with the scrub, then sleep in "freshly laundered" PJs. Then, shower that morning too with the scrub and put on "freshly laundered" clothing.

Surgical check in was similar to what I had experienced for my retrievals and D&Cs. They called me into the back, had me use the bathroom, then had me strip and put on a johnny and slippers. I had some spotting all week, and woke up with some heavier bleeding (the start of my period? With the surgery, I'm not sure if it ever came or what. Never got very heavy...) so they had me put on those fancy 'surgical underwear' and a pad.

They brought III in to sit with me and I answered questions for Nurse K who checked me in. Then I met Nurse L who was the OR nurse. Then I met the anesthesiologist resident. (or is it intern? I always get them mixed up.) She tried to get my IV started. First in the left arm. Then that didn't work, so she went to my right hand. They give you a stingy local first, which was annoying but saved me from having to feel her root around under my skin to hit a vein. Which she couldn't do. I wanted to be like "Dude. They never have trouble with my veins." She left to go get the anesthesiologist for help and III (who is a trained medic and EMT) said "That reminded me of the class I took where we had to stick each other to learn how to get an IV." The doc showed up and hit another vein in my right hand the first time.

Then my doctor showed up. She went over things, asked if we had any questions, and was on her way. I got kisses from III, a fancy hat from the nurse, and they put the rails up on my bed and rolled me down the hall.

They must have already started my IV, because I remember asking them if that area was only gynecological surgery and them telling me it wasn't. Then that was it.

The next thing I remember was the nurse asking me my pain level on the ten scale, and telling her a 7. She said "Well, we'll have to do something about that." and gave me a small white pill with a teeeeeny sip of water. I was soooo thirsty (for the whole time in recovery and until we got home), but apparently (and I don't remember either the telling or the feeling) I had told them I was nauseous when I woke up. By the time I shared my level of 7, any nausea I might have had was gone.

I don't remember a lot about being in recovery. I remember I was thirsty. I remember I was sore. (7 went down to 4 shortly after they gave me the pill.) I remember I was sooo sleepy. I just wanted to keep my eyes closed, but the nurse kept waking me up by saying my name loudly.

I had five pieces of gauze taped to my abdomen- one over my belly button, one above my pubic bone (right where my stomach fat folds over. gross. This is the one that irritates me the most.), one to the left of my belly button and two to the right.

I found out later that the doctor came out and talked to III after surgery. She told him it went really well and that the fibroid was smaller than it had been in May. She said it was easy to get to and everything went smoothly.

At some point after that they brought III back. I think he helped me get dressed. They put me in a wheelchair, and an orderly wheeled me out front where III pulled up the car and I got in.

I think my eyes were closed for most of the ride home. I do remember that III was driving like an asshole. He also took a weird way home, and I must have commented on it because I remember him saying "I'm just trying to take a way that will annoy me the least." Um, dude. I'M the one who just had surgery!

I went home, III bought my meds and some take out, I ate, and went to bed.

I was very sore on Thursday. Laying on my back was the most comfortable. Laying on my side made me sore- it was like my belly was too heavy. Luckily, the little white pills (oxycodon) kept me sleepy enough that I could probably have fallen asleep sitting up.

Friday, I got up around 9am. (I was still wearing the same sweats and t-shirt I wore home from the hospital!) I went downstairs for something to drink and I think I might have talked to KB on the phone. I wasn't hungry, and while my soreness wasn't as bad as on Thursday, I was still pretty sore. I went back to bed at 9:30am. Got up at 3:30pm. I think I was up for a few hours after that. We did have dinner at some point. I was back in bed by 7:30.

I was taking meds every 6 hours. I was prescribed the oxy and 600mg of ibuprofen, which I could take at the same time. They told me I could take 1 or 2 oxy, and I took one. That stuff tends to hit me hard, and my sleeping habits on Friday reflect that. LOL.

Saturday was better. I got up, showered, and dressed. III brought lunch, which I ate, and KB came by a little later. She was hoping to take me out to a movie where they have you sit in these cushy seats and serve you food, to spoil me, but I wasn't up for that. She stayed for a few hours. III and I ate dinner. Then I went to bed. On Saturday, I stuck with only the ibuprofen during the day, though I took the oxy at night. I could lay on my side now, as long as I had a pillow there for a little extra support.

This is a pic I took with my phone on Saturday. I had taken off the gauze, but the steri strips are still there. They told me to leave those on and they would fall off themselves around ten days. You can't see the incision inside of my belly button- that mark on top is from my navel ring- but there are a few stitches in there. Ignore my chubby gut. I'm not loving how it looks lately anyway, but obviously after surgery I was bloated...
Sunday, while I was still sore, I was starting to feel pretty normal. I didn't nap. We flew back to the lake. Sitting on the plane for 2 hours wasn't the best part of my weekend, but I kept a pillow behind my back (because slouching irritates the incisions) for most of it and made sure the seat belt wasn't too tight.

Sunday and Monday nights were rough. I did not take any oxy, so I think that was part of it. When I lay down to go to bed, I've been getting bad gas pains, mostly in my lower abdomen, but also a little in my chest. (They warned me about these- they pump air into your abdomen to have space to work. I had thought it would be immediate, which it wasn't- or if it was the oxy helped me sleep through it- but I assume this night time discomfort is residual from that.)

Today is Tuesday, and I feel pretty good. The nighttime thing is hard- last night I took some gas X and put heat on my belly, and one or the other or both helped and I was able to sleep. Today I went back and worked out with my trainer. She knew all of my restrictions, and put together a workout for me with them in mind. I actually got a good workout and felt good afterwards.

There have been some poop issues. Nothing major... but I had my first real poop today and it was pretty small. I'm sure my lack of poop action is contributing to the bloating and night time pains. They told me I could take a lax. I took one on Saturday, but we don't have any out here, so I'm hoping things will start moving soon.

The incisions are annoying. The worst part is the incision on the left and one on the right- when they put the bandages on they irritated my skin. That irritation bothers me more than the incisions! Irony. They have all these great technologies now where they can do this laparoscopic surgery with a robot, but they can't find a band aid that doesn't rip your skin off...

Sometimes the incision near my pubic bone bothers me. If I'm sitting in the car for too long or if my underwear irritates it. Sometimes the ones on my sides hurt if I lean over and/or turn my body wrong. My belly button is sore and bruised- I think it's worse when I'm more bloated.

So... that's the story. It's amazing to me that they can do this- I can't imagine what it would be like to have a laparotomy where they cut you open completely. I'm grateful they were able to get all that they needed to with my five teeny incisions.

We head home on Monday. I'm not looking forward to 16 hours in the car, especially now with my recovery. But the dr. okayed it and it will be nice to get home and figure out a routine.

*Spellcheck suggests "kaleidoscope" for this. Yeah, so not the same thing.

Home

Home from the hospital.

All went well. Didn't have to stay over night.

I really want to share how everything went, but right now I'm so sleepy and sore, so I think I'm going to head back to bed. Just wanted to update and let everyone know it went well and I'll be back soon with more details.

pre-op

I had my pre-op appt yesterday.

First was the ultrasound. They told me to come with a full bladder, but after having been through the whole thing before, and knowing how often doctors run late, I ended up not having a full enough bladder- which didn't matter because she was doing an internal ultrasound too. So I don't know why they needed to do the external. But whatever.

My fibroid is anterior (in the back) and on the outside. I'm glad for that, because it means they don't need to cut open my uterus, just scoop the fibroid out of it. I could see the whole ultrasound, and if I interpreted it right, it seemed like the length of the fibroid was around 4cm. It was 7 at the longest, so it appears to have shrunk.

Then I had an appointment where they asked me everything I'd already written on the pre-op questionnaire, listened to my breathing and all of that for anesthesia stuff, and took blood. That appointment took an hour, though most of it was sitting around waiting for the next person to come do their thing.

They gave me a special soap. They want me to wash with it the night before and the morning of the surgery.

Today I have to do a bowel prep. Ick. Apparently, they have you do it in case they do have to do a full surgery because they would be so close to the bowel. I had a colonoscopy years ago, so I know what I'm in store for. Not excited. The toilet will be my friend today. Ugh.

My surgery is at 7:30am tomorrow. I'll update when I have a chance.

One long ass update post.

So I haven't posted a real update in a while, and there has been lots going on at the same time there has been little going on. Does that even make sense?

I don't even know where to start, so excuse me if this is a little random and all over the place.

We have been staying out at the lake, but it hasn't been as relaxing as we thought it might be. We spent 2 days driving out there, and 2 day settling in, then it was the 4th of July and all of III's family descended on us. We had another day or two and then we headed out for a week to visit my family for a reunion and surprise anniversary party for my parents (planned long distance by me). We returned and had 9 days to ourselves, though III started his temporary work assignment and was settling in there. Then my parents came out to the lake, and my mom stayed for 9 days while my dad traveled around to different baseball stadiums. In the midst of all of this, III's family was out every weekend. While it has been nice to see them and spend time with them, it's hard for us to get time to relax. Plus, it winds our dogs up. III's family only has little, non shedding dogs, so they are a little overwhelmed by our big, loud, shedding, slobbery boxers. In part because of this, III's mom drove us crazy with her super OCD-ed-ness. She keeps bringing out old towels and covering the furniture with sheets (under the blankets we've already covered it with) and buying new "knock-around" comforters for the bedroom, like our dogs are going to tear apart the house or something.

Today I'm headed back home for the week because my myomectomy is on Thursday. I go in tomorrow for pre-op tests, can't eat all day on Wednesday, and then have surgery on Thursday. Sunday we fly back to the lake for one more week, and then we head home for a while. Our plan keeps changing, but we had gotten to a point where the thought was that we'd be out there for at least 2 and possibly 5 months... or possibly forever if a transfer occurred. This weekend III told me he thinks we should go home for now. His dad is doing okay on the IV and there's not much for III to do for him. When it gets to a point where he gets his transfer, we'll probably do this all over again.

While I'm happy to head home, it also is making my head spin because it was not originally the plan. I've been working out with a personal trainer for the past two weeks, and I really like her. (Side note- the first day I met her, she tells me "in the spirit of full disclosure I want to let you know that I'm 4 and a half months pregnant." Of course you are. Because this is my life. She is due 3 days after I would have been due with my last pregnancy. Luckily, as I said, I like her so I guess it's not really that big of deal anymore...) I'm disappointed to have to start over somewhere else, and to leave when I feel like she and I have made a connection. The little town we're staying in is also growing on me, and it is certainly nice for me and the dogs to be on the lake.

Also... I officially took leave from my job. So I'm kind of freaking out. Since we're going home, I guess a part of my head tells me that I did it for nothing... but that's not totally true, because III's dad could get a heart at any time and then we'll be heading back. Plus... well, anyone who has read my blog for the past year knows that last year was not a super happy one at work, so maybe I really do need to regroup and think about what I want to do. But, it's one thing to want that and another for it actually to happen. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now that I'm jobless for the year, plus I can't help worrying about the money, even though we have money in our savings. I also find myself in kind of an identity crisis... I am an eighth grade math teacher. That's what I DO and who I AM. And, damn it, I'm good at it! So what happens when I'm no longer part of an eighth grade classroom? Hm.

Something else that's been hard is KB. She has been my main support through a lot of this, but I'm finding talking to her more stressful than helpful lately. She is full on FREAKING OUT about my potential move, and I find I don't even want to tell her what is going on because I end up consoling her or wanting to hide stuff from her. I 100% understand where she's coming from, because I have the same anxiety about us living so far apart. But I also have the anxiety of where I'm going to work, where I'm going to live, making new friends, and hoping that my FIL doesn't die before he gets a new heart, and that the new heart works. Oh, and then there's the whole infertility thing too...

I hope to update about my myomectomy in the next few days. I can't find much about others' experiences to know what to expect, so I'll try to post mine for others in a similar situation to find.

I also apologize for not keeping up with your blogs. We're using an USB modem, which limits my online time. And... well, as many of you probably also find, when you're on an IF 'break' sometimes you fall off the IF blog wagon, both writing and reading.

Hope everyone is well. Be back soon!!!

Watching GA reruns...

"I feel like one of those people who are so freaking miserable that they can't be around normal people. Like I'll infect the happy people." ~Meredith

I need to update...

...and I will... but not tonight.

I do have a question though... not sure if anyone knows the answer. My googling has been in vain.

When dealing with infertility coverage (which I know many people have NONE of) is it better to have a PPO or an HMO? I officially took a leave from work, which means I need to change to III's insurance. He has a PPO, but we have the choice between the two. If you are NOT in a state that mandates infertility coverage (boooooo that we're moving from one that DOES to one that DOESN'T), is one more likely to cover some of the expenses than the other?

Any info anyone has would be super helpful!!!!

How selfish is too selfish?

When you are dealing with infertility, especially over a long period of time, there comes a point when you realize you have to be selfish. You need to avoid baby showers and people who just 'don't get it.' You need to nurture yourself and do whatever you need to do to stay sane.

But where is the line?

We're visiting my family right now. Different members of my family know different levels of what is going on with us. My cousin probably knows the most. My parents, the least. (Well, some of my cousins know even less, but they don't really care one way or another, so I've left them out of my scale.)

I've talked a bit before about why I've kept so much from my parents. My mom has major anxiety issues. Far worse than mine, and she's never been treated for them, therapeutically or medicinally. My dad.... well, he's a New Yorker in many senses of all that those words imply. He doesn't mean to, but he just can be really abrasive and say the wrong thing. For example, when I first told them that we were having trouble and were seeing a doctor, he followed up by asking me that if we had a boy whether we were going to have a bris.* Hmm. Gee, dad. Not really in my top ten concerns right now.

I've always been kind of closed mouthed with my parents about everything for those reasons as well as others. At this point, they know we are having fertility treatments. My mom recently asked "Did they do the thing yet where they take the eggs out?" Yes, mother. They did the thing.

Another annoyance- even when I tell them, they forget. Seriously? How can you forget I told you about the thing with the eggs? It's kind of a big deal? But yesterday, I was talking to my mom's sister about it, because her daughter is a cancer survivor and going to have to have IVF because of some complications that went along with her treatments. My mom comes running up and says "wait wait wait! I didn't get to hear any of that!" I told her- "Mom, you already know." She said "No I don't! I didn't know you were doing IVF!" I said "Yes, you asked me directly. Remember? The thing with the eggs?"

So anyway. They don't know about my miscarriages. I just honestly feel like I can't deal with all of their questions and worry. I told my cousin (the one who is going to have IVF) "I'll tell you about everything we have gone through, but I haven't told my mom everything... because... well, you know." and she kind of made a face and said "Oh, I know." So It's not just in my head.

Anyway... back to my title... I know that it bothers my parents that I keep stuff from them. I know they wish they knew more. I even know that they know that part of the reason I do it is because of how they have handled situations in the past. But I feel bad that they feel out of the loop. It's hard, because initially I was telling myself I was leaving them out of the loop for my mom- because I felt like she'd get so upset. But now I have to admit that I'm keeping certain parts from them for myself- because I feel like mom would get so upset but I don't want to deal with that.

I don't like being selfish. But right now, to be honest, I want to be.

*I was raised Jewish, III was raised Catholic. What exactly we plan to do with our children is still 100% up in the air, and both of our parents have been informed of that.

Random thoughts

If I hadn't lost my first pregnancy, I'd have a fourteen week old baby right now. It would make this trip very, very different.

If I hadn't lost my second pregnancy, I'd be sixteen weeks pregnant with twins. Also, a very different trip.

But I'm not pregnant. I don't have a baby. But I have my dogs, and they are my babies. We leave tomorrow to visit my family and leave them with a dog sitter who I don't know. I'm sure things will be fine, but I'm nervous. I'll miss them.

In other news.... my MIL is a very nice woman. She means well. But I just don't like her very much. Isn't that horrible??? One of my fears about moving here was her. Right now, she is confirming that fear. I'm hoping as we're here longer, she will chill. But I don't know. Fingers crossed....

I'm looking forward to Saturday. I planned a surprise party and it's all coming together.

I'm also looking forward to seeing my nephew. He's almost two and a half now, and I just love that age.

I realized this week that my surgery will coincide with when I would have been halfway through my most recent pregnancy. Awesome.

I also realized, with my surgery, it will be fall 2011 before I could even possibly have a baby. Fuck.

That's all I've got today. Probably won't be back until next week.

We're here.

The trip was long but uneventful. Dogs did awesome. I was exhausted, but III did most of the driving, so I don't really have anything to complain about.

I'm not really happy to be here. The reality is hitting me that we're probably more or less here for good. And it's not really where I want to be.

And honestly? I have no desire to live near my in-laws. Or my family, to be perfectly frank. I wish we lived closer than we did. But not close. I know that is obnoxious. And selfish. But it's true. And yesterday it hit me- at home it's just me and III. And I like it. I worry how this will change our relationship. :(

But last night when we went to bed, I told III "I love you so much." and he replied, "I know you do. That's why we're here." So I know he appreciates it.

In other news-

I talked to my ex boyfriend on FB last night. It was interesting. He is definitely not in any way "the one who got away". But we were together for a long time, and so he's a big part of my history. It was nice to have a friendly chat with him and hear how he and his family are doing.

I had an orientation to volunteer at the local animal shelter yesterday. I'm glad to have something to do where I'll be meeting people and helping animals. I'm a little worried that I'm not going to meet "my kind of people", but that's a stupid worry to have right now so I just need to go with it.

I have scheduled my fibroid surgery for August 5. So I'll have to fly home for that week (pre op blood test and u/s are on the 3rd).

I miss KB like crazy already. Is it abnormal to be so attached to your BFF?

Exercise routine to start... soon? I could start today... but the holiday weekend... bah. Maybe I'll start next week.