Bad day

I'm kind of having a bad day.

I'm exhausted. I don't know why. I went to bed at 9:30. Peanut practically slept through the night (until 4am). I brought lunch today. I got coffee this morning.

But I'm feeling cranky and tired and blue. I dreamed about B-dog last night. It wasn't a bad dream, but wasn't anything special. It's odd, because I've been hoping I'd dream about her just to see her and touch her... but I woke up feeling unsettled.

I'm a little concerned that my blog has been discovered by someone I know. (Other than the someone I already know found it.) I base this on the two "where are you?" widgits I have and the towns that have popped up. Clearly, tons of people live in any town. I guess it's the chance I take by having a public blog, even if I do my best to be anon. Maybe I should change the name to something boring... but I like the name. And, actually, doesn't it match? My concern is that someone I know will find my blog and be upset/pissed/offended by the bitchiness I occasionally spew. *sigh* I don't know. Does it even matter? It's not like everyone is always saying nice things about me anyway. And usually, if they are saying it, it's to someone who knows me. (A mutual friend, a spouse, etc.) I guess it's not very golden-rulish. Clearly, I'm definitely feeling bitchy today.

I feel like I need something but I don't know what. A vacation? A hug? A nap?

Don't you all get tired of my crankiness??? I'm pretty tired of my crankiness...

We don't need no stinkin' baby!*

Who needs a baby to be sleep deprived?

Peanut spent Thursday night gagging like there was something lodged in her throat. I tried water, bread, massaging her trachea... nothing worked. She gagged and spit up until about 3am. Then whatever was irritating her seemed to subside. Awesome since I had to wake up at 5.

She woke up Friday feeling fine. Figured I would get some great Friday night sleep, and sleep in on Saturday morning.

Nope.

2am- Peanut has to pee.
3:30am- Peanut has to poop.
5:30am- Peanut wants to eat.
5:40am- Peanut has to poop again.
6:00am- Peanut is awake and wants to play. Challenges M-dog to a wrestling match in our bedroom.

At this point I got out of bed. Figured there was no reason for both me and III to be kept awake. Led the dogs downstairs, and set myself up on the couch. M-dog eventually decided he'd rather cuddle with me than wrestle with Peanut, so she had to resign herself to hanging out on the couch for a while.

And I can't remember the last time III and I had sex, but I'm pretty sure it's only been once since Peanut came to live with us.

*I just thought this title was funny. Of course, I still want a baby- stinkin' or otherwise.

Hamster on a wheel

I have a pile of papers to grade and am just not motivated. And I'm giving a test in 2 classes tomorrow, which will just add to the pile!!!

I woke up today feeling less dark. I put on a sweater that III bought me last year for my birthday and am wearing my favorite bracelet. I got a new wool coat which I really like, and the weather was perfect to wear it today, too.

I talked to KB on the phone on the way in, got here in time to get a parking space, and used my early morning time productively planning and making copies for the next few days.

Then there was a team meeting.

Then there was a parent meeting.

Then there was more copying and filing of originals so they don't get lost.

Then I finally had a class to teach... and they needed major redirection.

So now I'm tired again. And I still have three more classes. All I want is a nap. Tonight is puppy school too. I just want the weekend to get here.

I just can't catch up!!!

I think I suck. **update**

No school today. Phew! I needed a day.

So I spent the morning with KB and her cutie M. M just makes me smile. She's almost three and she acts it! But she's so smart and spunky and I love spending time with her.

I feel like I'm such a lump lately, though. I am sure I was not a very entertaining friend. I'm not very positive or optimistic. I'm actually feeling very "dark and twisty". As much as I loved seeing M and as much as I cherish the time I spend with KB, it wasn't really "fun". And I'm sure it wasn't for KB either.

I'm not worried about it causing an issue in our friendship right now. I know KB loves me and that she understands why I am the way I am right now. I just wish I wasn't.

I had therapy this week and my therapist told me that nothing I am feeling or doing right now is unwarranted. Nothing is over the top. I am feeling and acting appropriately for how my life has been. She gave me permission to be unproductive and to grieve, as long as I'm not wallowing (as that could make me feel worse). (Those are my words, not hers, but was the general gist of things.)

To continue our shitty fall, III's dad is back in the hospital. After his cardiac arrest two months ago, they put in an internal de.fibrillator. It shocked him four times in twelve hours. That's bad. It means either his heart isn't working properly or his IDB isn't working properly. I haven't spoken to III- he's at work and didn't want to talk- just sent me a text. We just really need a break.

Not getting one in the next hour or so, though. I'm off to see Dr. Z for my hystosonogram or whatever it's called. Keep your fingers crossed for me that things are clear enough to progress without any necessary procedures or surgeries first. :(

**update

I guess it's called a "Sonohystogram". Whatever it was, it's clear. The fibroid that has been there since the beginning does not "infringe" upon my uterine cavity, according to Dr. Z. He said everything looks good. :) My nurse, Donna, even said that I had a "beautiful endometrial lining". LOL. So now we wait for the blood tests to come back, which hopefully will happen before 11/24 which is when we sit down with Dr. Z to decide where to go next. Let's hope it's directly to FET which hopefully will lead directly to a 9 month pregnancy... *sigh*

Tuesday Q&A

I have a question for you ladies.

Many people have posted about being assaulted by Face.book statuses (statii? LOL) announcing pregnancies. I know from personal experience what a punch in the gut that can be. :(

When I was (briefly) pregnant, one of the things I thought quite a bit about was how I was going to announce my pregnancy to various people. Some people clearly would warrant a phone call, others an email... but there are plenty of 'friends' on Face.book with whom my only contact is FB.

So I started thinking... it is painful when one discovers yet another FB friend who is expecting- especially one who you wouldn't expect to be expecting.

So here's my question: What do you think the easiest way for you to find out these pregnancies (from people with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact) would be? Would you prefer a FB "note" to a status update? A status update to a u/s photo? Something else?

Just curious. :)

In exchange for your answers... I thought I'd do a personal Q&A as well. I've seen others do it and haven't yet. Anything you want to ask about me? TTC related or otherwise? If anyone does, I'll post answers Wed and/or Thurs.

:)

Vampire food

I had to have blood work done today. I usually go in for my blood appointments at the earliest time, around 7am. They told me I couldn't have a 7am appointment (at first I thought she didn't know what she was talking about, but it turns out they won't do day 3 b/w until after 8). It usually takes me 13 minutes to get to my RE from my work, and then MAYBE 10 minutes total waiting to be called and getting my blood drawn. Since I couldn't go in before school, I made my appointment for 9:30. I didn't teach 2nd period, so I figured if I left right after 1st period, I'd get there a little early, and since it's sign in first-come-first-served for b/w they might take me early. I figured I'd have plenty of time to get back for 3rd period and I was even hoping I might be able to stop for coffee.

13 minutes turned into 25. Apparently, all the old ladies are on the town roads at 9am. Then I get stopped for a train on the way there. I finally got there, right at 9:30 and had a few minutes wait. Then I get the stupidest phlebotomist in the whole place. (Okay. She wasn't stupid. Just old and slow and I think not a regular in that office.) It took her fifteen minutes just to get the paperwork set up, as she had lots of questions for the other phlebotomist and had to keep checking some chart. At that point, it was 13 minutes until my class started, so clearly I wasn't going to make it back. I asked to use her phone (to call my team mates and let them know so that someone could tell my kids what to start on (and make sure they weren't killing each other). She gave me a funny look but said yes.

It turns out, part of the reason it was taking so long and apparently the reason they wouldn't let me come in early, is that she had to take fifteen vials of blood. Definitely a record for me. (Nine was my top before.) As I'm about to jump out of my skin afterwards, because my class is starting in just three minutes, she had to write my name on every vial.

I got in my car at the exact time the bell was ringing for my period 3 to start. The old ladies were still on the road, but I would guess I did some speeding because I made it back in about 14.5 minutes.

Moral of the story: I should just take a sick day when I have appointments. I have close to 100 of them, and it would certainly be less stressful. Oh, and I'm going to have to buy my team members some nice Christmas presents this year.

And so it begins...again...

As foretold by the past week of crankiness and weepiness, I got my period yesterday afternoon. Six and a half weeks post D&C, so that's pretty much on schedule. Day 3 b/w tomorrow and I have to call tomorrow to make an appointment for my saline sonogram.

So here we go again.....

Developing my heart.

Clearly needing some Kula lately...

Despite my recent and pervasive sadness and anger, I am grateful...

...that my parents are alive and well. (A friend of a friend recently lost both of her 50 yr old parents in the span of 3 weeks. My heart aches for her.)
...that my FIL is doing well and able to golf again. :-)
...that our decision to travel to see our ILs in their winter home in SC for our week-long winter vacation has thrilled them.
...for our house cleaners. They come every other week and yesterday was the day. It's so nice to walk into a freshly cleaned house!
...that Peanut has become very attached to me and is the biggest cuddle bug!
...that I am feeling well in the midst of the H1.N1 outbreak in my school.
...for the seasonal flu shot, which I will get for free today thanks to my school system.
...for my awesome students this year. There are a lot of things that are wrong with my school right now, but the kids I have this year are thoughtful, diligent, and sweet!
...for my weekends!!!! Looking forward to sleeping in, knitting, and relaxing!
...for III. I am constantly grateful that we found each other.

I'm so tired of being sad

I miss B so much it actually is a physical pain. I was just looking at pictures of her and watching a few videos I had... it just feels unfathomable to me that she is gone forever. I want her back with me. I want to hug her and have her lean against my side. I want to watch tv while she sits on my feet. I want to take her in the car and let her smell the air rushing by. I can't put into words how much I miss her. I feel like the feeling will never go away. And I hate that there is nothing I can do about it.

Yesterday, I also had a former student on my mind. He died about a year and a half ago from a flu that turned into pneumonia that was then complicated by MR.SA. A sweet, amazing (if dorky) kid who was smart, super talented, and just so positive and happy. I'm sure he got picked on... he had a 'rat tail' for years and such a goofy laugh. But he didn't care- he was always nice to other kids and was completely happy with who he was. When he died, kids said things about him that I wish they would have told him while he was alive. He amazed and touched people during his short time here. I know he would have done amazing things with his life. His seventeenth birthday would have been next week.

I'm having a hard time not thinking about the fact that I would have been pregnant. That I would have been starting to tell people. I want to do something right now about it, but I have to wait for my period, and then all the tests and appointments.

I feel like I should be feeling better by now. I feel like I should be snapping out of this funk. But I'm not. I want to do something to make it stop... but I don't know what to do.

Giving thanks...

I just wanted to say a quick thank you to all of you for the comments you leave me on my posts. As shitty as I've been feeling, I always get a little thrill when I see I have a comment on a post I've written, and often your thoughts and wishes make me smile, even if only for a moment. I really appreciate all of you. It makes a very lonely, isolating situation seem a little less so.

Thank YOU!!!

I may need to rethink this...

What I did today
Walk the dogs
Feed the dogs
Shower, dress, eat, make lunch
... all before 6:30am.
Drive
Morning extra math help for 8 students
Homeroom
Team meeting
Parent meeting
(Parent informs me that her child needs every step for every topic written out in order to be successful... uh-huh.)
Math meeting with administrator about curriculum, NC.LB and A.YP
... all before 9:30am.
Teach a class
Photo copy for tomorrow
Brief meeting with administrator about NC.LB and A.YP
Crunch state testing numbers for parent from previous meeting
Teach a class
Email parent from previous meeting (while eating my PB&J lunch)
... all before noon.
Teach a class
Teach a class
Faculty meeting
Crunch state testing numbers for other students doing poorly
... all before 4pm.
Drive home
Crunch more numbers while sitting outside with the dogs while they burn off energy...

What I didn't do today (that I should have)
Grade my stack of tests
Grade quiz corrections
Return 2 parent emails
Write weekly mass parent email
Photocopy quizzes

I don't know if I can keep doing this job. I feel like there is more and more asked and not enough time in the day or money in the budget to get done what we need to get done. I love working with my kids, but the other parts of the job... I just can't keep up.

But I don't know what else I would do... :(

It feels like a list day.

• Today I'm feeling sad that I'm not pregnant.
• I opened up to III this weekend and told him I had this feeling of sadness and despair that seems to lie under the surface, even on happy days and times when I'm enjoying myself.
• I think III has a bit of that too, but I think he doesn't even realize it. He blames it on Peanut or on work, but I think he is more sensitive to the negative things there because of the shitty things that have gone down with us lately.
• Peanut is doing so much better. But she's still having accidents in the house, which I suspect now has to do with lack of consistency in her bathroom schedule. There was a lack of consistency because of how much she had to go after the deworming. Now that that's getting better, I'm hoping she'll fall into more of a routine and stop pooping on the floor.
• Speaking of pooping on the floor, I started my morning yesterday at 6 o'clock by stepping toes first into a pile of dog shit. Nice.
• I'm excited because KB found out she is having a boy.
• I'm depressed because these were milestones we were supposed to be going through together.
• I'm frustrated because I am waiting for my period to start so we can do something.
• Mondays always make the week seem like it is stretching endlessly out before me, with too much to do.
• I have too much to do, but I'm blogging instead of doing it.
• When I go home, I have too much to do but I'm knitting instead of doing it. I finished the back of a sweater for III and am worried I'll spend all this time on it and he won't want to wear it or it won't fit. I'm also working on a hat for me and the Bi.g B.ad Ba.by Blan.ket. I'm not sure who that's for... I had initially planned it to be for myself. I think I'm going to make one for KB, but I think I want to use more 'boy colors'.
  
• The test I posted on Thursday is here. I also took an interesting relationship test here. I took a general stress test too, but it claimed it was going to email me the results and never did. Oh, and I took a procrastination test that said I'm a moderate procrastinator who is in danger of becoming a bigger procrastinator.
  
• I'm having some bowel issues today. I think the apple I ate upset my colon. Why does that happen? I have such a sensitive digestive system...
• Halfway through Monday... I'll get there.