I want a widget

I've been waiting for almost two years to be pregnant.

It's silly... but I want one of those widgets. You know, the one with the little growing fetus in it that counts up and down your pregnancy days.

But I'm scared. Superstitious. I figured I'd wait until we had a heartbeat and a due date. Now we have both. But I'm nervous to put one up... to tempt fate.

The stupidest part of that is that I don't believe in fate.

Here's one for the symptom watch: the smell of scrambled eggs makes me nauseous. Unfortunately, every morning, III eats scrambled eggs for breakfast. I can smell them all the way up in the bedroom. Ugh.

TGIF

I am exhausted and do not feel super. It's hard to make it through a full day of teaching without starting to feel crappy by the end of it. I think I've been pretty good about eating and staying hydrated throughout the day, but by about 1pm I'm pooped and often nauseous.

Today I woke up to a very little pink spotting again, exactly like Wednesday. Except, today there were 2 tiny clots. They weren't very big and there was no other bleeding so I did not call my dr. I know in general they say you should call if you have clots, but considering a) they were really small b) there was no other bleeding and c) I just had an u/s yesterday I decided to wait and see how things go. It's the weekend, so I can relax and if it happens again I'll definitely call.

Look how calm I'm being? Aren't you proud? I am. I'm working hard. The great u/s yesterday certainly helps. I'm sure that will only last so long, though. It's going to be a long 33 weeks!

I made my first pregnancy purchase on the recommendation of a friend. The book "The Girl.friend's Gui.de to Preg.nancy". I'm only 30 pgs into it, but so far I like it. It's less of the medical and technical sides of things, and more advice from other women.

In other news, B-dog has a new and strange symptom. She has ulcerations on her tongue (one going all the way through) which are also causing some nasty rotting-smelling breath. (Really not great with my pregnancy nose...) I took her to the vet today and, as I had expected and hoped, they didn't do any biopsying or blood testing. It just doesn't make sense considering we know she has progressive cancer. The vet gave me antibiotics and an oral wash, which will hopefully take care of the stinky mouth and clear up any infection that might be causing or related to the sores. Luckily, other than that she is still feeling pretty good.

Finally, yay for C by the Sea! She just got a spectacular beta, and it's looking like there may be twins in her future! Woo hoo!

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend. :)

Released!

I had the same u/s tech as before. She probably looked at me and was like "Oh shit." But it turned out well, because everything went well and I think she was happy to be able to give me good news.

Heartbeat was 121. I measured 7 weeks, though Dr. Z said I'm technically 7w1d. Whatever. Doesn't matter to me! Due date is May 1. There is a small clot on the yoke sac, which he said happens a lot and likely won't be a problem, but would explain the spotting I had today. He said just to keep an eye on it.

Which he won't be doing because he released me to my OB! I thought I'd have one more appt at the clinic... but I love my OBGYN, so I'll be happy to head to her office (though not as conveniently located) for my appointments.

III did meet me there and was excited to see the h/b and I think a little overwhelmed. We're having a freaking baby!!!!

Now for a 180 degree change of subject...

I had a very, very good male friend all through college and after college. I do not have any brothers, but he was as close as I ever came to having someone who was like a brother to me. There was never anything romantic between us and we always had a really supportive and fun friendship. He welcomed new friends into the fold (like KB and my cousin AL) like they were old friends and was one of very few college friends whom I invited to my wedding.

When he met his wife, I really liked her and she and I became friends as well, even separate from him. Long story short, I think she was very jealous when I got engaged. She was one of those girls who really wanted to get married, so she started to get impatient after she'd been with my friend for 2 years and he hadn't proposed (they got engaged about 2.5 years into their relationship). III proposed after we'd only been together for 6 months. From that point on, she stopped calling me and started being pretty patronizing and snotty when we were all together. Shortly after that, her husband stopped returning calls as well. I sent him an email and told him that I was hurt he didn't return my calls or emails anymore, nor did he initiate contact. I asked him to let me know if he was upset with me about something. He called and left me a voice mail saying that of course he's not mad at me! That that was ridiculous and I should call him. I called him back, left him a message, and he never returned my call.

When his wife was 5 mo pregnant (now over 2 years ago) they came to my house with KB and her husband for dinner. His wife was unbearable. III said it's the only time in his life he felt uncomfortable in his own house. KB and her husband were also perplexed- was it pregnancy hormones or was something else going on?

That was the last time I talked to either my friend or his wife. I stopped trying, and neither of them made any effort to continue a friendship with me. KB and the wife stayed in contact for a little while- had a play date or two with their kids, and KB is face.book friends with her.

I just got a friend request on face.book from him.

I don't know what to do. Two years later I am still hurt and angry that he could write off our friendship so easily. As curious as I am to see what he has been up to, I am more inclined to deny the request. If he wants to be friends and reach out to me, face.book isn't going to be enough. It's his turn to make some effort.

Am I being petty and immature? Maybe I don't care. I want to make him feel bad for being such a shitty friend. I know it can be hard if his wife decided she had a problem with me, but I'm still hurt and upset and not willing to be the "bigger person".

getting ready for u/s #2.

My 2nd u/s is in about two hours. I am 7 weeks today. I've been trying not to get worked up about it, and did a pretty good job until this morning. It didn't help that I'm having a little bit of blood in my endo.metrin discharge. (Nice mental picture, huh?) Really little, though, so I'm reminding myself that it is likely not a big deal. Luckily, I'm seeing the doctor today, so I don't have long to worry about it.

I'm currently unsure if III is going with me. He appears to have gone to work this morning... it could be that he's going to meet me there... I'm not sure. He didn't say. Or he forgot. I'm confused.

Yesterday I felt crappy on and off all day. Morning was icky. Mid day was better. Afternoon to evening was icky again. I've found that a banana and glass of milk before bed helps me a bit. Is that weird? Milk was always something to stay away from when I was nauseous... maybe because it coats my stomach? I don't know.

I am missing one class this morning for my appointment, and apparently am a little nervous about that (as it's only the third day of school) because last night I dreamt that I got to school and was pissed off to find that the substitute did not follow the very explicit directions I left. I'm sure it will be fine,and if it's not... well, is it really that big of a deal? But apparently my unconscious mind disagrees.

I will try to update after my u/s but may not be able to get here until this evening. Thanks all for pulling for me. I hope this is a good and reassuring one!!!

STARVING

It doesn't matter how much I eat.

Or how recently I've eaten.

I'm hungry all of the time!!!

Let me recap my day for you:

5:30am- full bowl of cereal with milk.
6:45am- banana
9:00am- snack size tupp.erware of sugar snap peas
11:00am- apple
11:45am- PBnJ sandwich
1:00pm- small size tupp.erware of pretzels
3:00pm- Sweet 'n' Salty almond bar

A coworker with whom I do not really socialize outside of school says to me out of the blue today "Are you pregnant?" I was like.... "Um... why???" He said "I saw something on your face.book." WTF? Turns out, my dad had asked on fb how III's dad was by asking "How's (name) Jr?" and this guy assumed, because the first name is the same as III, that's what it meant. I explained Jr was my FIL and he said "Then why did you get all defensive?" I said "Because we're doing fertility treatments." He as like "Oh." I hope he was embarrassed. What a question to ask like that!

I'm off to find another snack. I'm thinking dinner's about 2 hours away...

The P word.

It had taken both III and I a while to say "pregnant" out loud. As it is, I can probably count on one hand the number of times we've said it combined.

Today we had to wake up super early to fly home. The combination of the lack of sleep and my ongoing hunger had me feeling pretty queasy all day. In the car home, I was explaining this to III. He said, "Yeah, and I know we haven't been saying this, but you are pregnant." I said "That's what I meant." LOL. We've just been so wary. So he started saying "We're going to be two weeks away from our due date and someone's going to say 'Congratulations!' and the two of us will be like 'Shhhh!!! The baby's not here yet so it's not definite!' or someone will ask 'Have you picked out names?' and we'll say 'Shhh! Don't jinx it!'" LOL. It was very funny, but it's true- that's exactly how we've been tiptoeing around. Yes, it's clearly only 6 (and a half) weeks and we are anxiously waiting for that heartbeat... but I think we're both wondering when it will feel real and if we'll stop being so worried at some point.

I've started to admit to myself that I am having some symptoms. My boobs still hurt, though it seems not quite as much. I don't know if that's true, though, or if I'm just getting accustomed to it. I was feeling some random dizziness this weekend. If I don't eat every two or three hours I am still getting shaky, and also getting a bit queasy. I am not excited about the prospect of morning sickness, but am reminding myself it is a good (and reassuring) thing to have these symptoms. And I am tired, tired, tired. Just in time for school to start!

I didn't hear back from the clinic on Friday, so hopefully they'll call tomorrow. Although, obviously, if they don't I will call them. Keeping all my fingers crossed (once again) that my cranky uterus allows us to see that elusive heartbeat.

Quick u/s update

I cried through the whole thing. Even before she told me anything. Embarrassing. But I was sooo nervous and it took a really long time. And once I started, I couldn't stop.

Basically, date-wise, I measure 6w1d. She found the sac and yolk sac, which each measured 6w1d. She did not find a heart beat.

Now, I knew that was a possibility because it is early. But I was still upset.

However... I have a tipped uterus. And a small fibroid. Both of which I knew. But the PA told me that the U/S tech said that because of that, combined with how early it is, it was a difficult scan. She had trouble finding my uterus, and then finding the sac. She thinks she may have seen the "crown rump" (?) (I don't even know what that means) but wasn't 100% sure.

So anyway. Things aren't bad. But not ideal- I wish we had seen a h/b. She offered to have me get an hcg level, but I asked if something was wrong would it show up on the bloodwork? She said probably not, so I didn't do it. She also said I could come back in like four or five days for another u/s but it might still be too early, especially with my uterine challenges, and she didn't want me to have to go through the same thing again if I didn't have to.

So I am supposed to go back for a 7w ultrasound. I called the woman who does my dr's appointments yesterday and left a message, but didn't hear back. I'm guessing this is because of the holiday- maybe she was out on Fri. So hopefully on Tues they will be able to schedule me for Thurs or Fri.

In other news... KB is also pregnant.

Won't be able to update for the rest of the weekend, but I'll be back Tues. Thanks to all who have been checking in!!! {{hugs}}

Feeling super anxious.

Too much on my plate today.

I'm not ready for students to come on Tuesday. I have so much to do in order to feel prepared, but it is likely not going to get done.

I'm nervous about traveling. I always get nervous traveling, but this is the first time in a while I've traveled on my own. I'm not afraid of traveling by myself, but being by myself allows me to get too inside my head and worry about all that could go wrong.

I vocalized to my neighbor today that I'm estimating B-dog has about a month. She's feeling ok still, but has lost some weight and her nodes are growing. My one month estimate is for when we will make the decision to put her down.

I'm going to the movies tonight with KB and others. Part of me doesn't want to go because I'm so stressed out and feel like I have so much to do, but the other part of me knows that is exactly why I should go... plus, I really, really want to see this particular movie.

My biggest anxiety: tomorrow is the big day. U/s day. I'm terrified I will get there and they will find that my embryo stopped growing. That it is still nestled in there making my boobs hurt and making me so hungry that if I don't eat every three hours I get shaky, but that it is empty or too small or has no heartbeat. And because of the family situation, I am going by myself. III was supposed to come with me so that he could see our potential baby and hopefully see a h/b, but to be 100% honest, I also wanted him there in case it was bad news so we could support each other. Please, please, please let everything be normal and growing and beating. I might not be able to handle it if it's not. I might have to crawl into my bed and never come out. I definitely don't know how I'll spend a weekend with the in-laws, despite the happy news that my FIL is doing very well (considering he was technically dead two days ago).

Yeah, I definitely need to go to the movie or I will sit here inside my own head and make myself nuts. I need a robot maid (you know, like Rosie on the Jetsons) to finish my laundry, pack, and get everything for my trip ready. That would definitely make life easier.

Wish me big luck tomorrow.

Loooong day.

Today was long but went quickly. Does that even make sense?

I didn't get as much done at school as I would have liked, but I spend a good part of it in an anxiety attack. I got a text from III late morning, but then couldn't get a hold of him. Not knowing what is going on is a huge anxiety trigger for me. I tried to do some breathing exercises, but it was hard because there was so much going on around me. So I just tried to focus on work and keep in mind that if something really bad had happened (like if FIL had died) I definitely would have heard.

III finally called me back and all is well. Well, as well as one can hope for with a failing heart. They are optimistic that he will be out of ICU today and into a cardiac unit. It's hard to be here waiting for info while they are all there and I look forward to being out there with III and his parents this weekend.

I spent the summer, and especially the last couple of weeks, just eating when I was hungry. Also, I wasn't very active. I'm going to have to figure out the eating thing when I'm working, because already today I waited too long between breakfast and the next snack. I've discovered that since the week of my pregnancy test, if I don't eat soon enough, I get very shaky. I'm going to have to find some quick and easy snacks I can chow between classes.

The way I'm feeling now, I should sleep well tonight. Hopefully that will make my early wake up tomorrow a little easier...

update

FIL is hanging in there. He has to have heart surgery tomorrow but when I talked to III he sounded optimistic. I just made reservations to go out there this weekend.

There was a question as to the day I fly out- I could have gone Thurs pm but my u/s is Fri. I asked III what he preferred and he told me to come Fri and have the u/s.

Since my post, I haven't had anymore pink. I guess the morning will really tell, because usually when I have spotting it is most noticeable in the mornings.

Hoping I can fall asleep quickly and soundly to make tomorrow's wake up a little easier.

Now this?

As I'm sitting around waiting for III to call with news about his dad, I went to the bathroom...

...and there is a teeny bit of light pink spotting.

Still taking the endo.metrin, so I have the discharge from that. So it is this that is tinted a little pink. Trying not to freak out. I know that spotting is totally normal, that the endo.metrin discharge might be making it seem like there is more than there is, and that the little I have might not even qualify as "spotting". The fact that I'm shoving a plastic applicator up there with a hard progesterone pill in it three times a day could also be contributing.

Shitty shitty night. :-( Just trying to remember to breathe in and out right now...

My FIL is in the hospital.

I just dropped III off at the airport.

We don't know the prognosis. I don't yet know if I'll be following III out there tomorrow or not.

I can't even talk about it. :( Keep him in your thoughts and prayers. I don't think we can stand to lose him.