Gossip has outed me...

So, one of the benefits of not being at school is that I can keep this pregnancy under wraps a bit. I have told 2 friends from school- one who had been through tons of infertility stuff, and another who's sister has been through it and who has recently had some trouble herself.

Today, I got an email from another coworker congratulating me. She said she heard it from this totally random coworker in the copy room. WTF???? My friend T (the first mentioned above) is very close with a former secretary at our school, who is a HUGE gossiper. T told me the last time I saw her that this woman wanted her to let me know that she's "always praying" for me. I'm guessing T told her, and then she has let the news leak. Either that our someone overheard my second friend talking about it, though I don't know to whom she would have been talking.

Fuck. I mean, we were going to start telling people soon anyway, but we haven't even told our families!!!! *sigh* I'm annoyed. I'll have to talk to III today about revealing to our families. They live far away, but with fb now everyone is close by. I'd hate to have them find out by accident from someone else. *sigh*

I just wasn't ready yet. I'm not even feeling like this is real, and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to have to give my parents bad news if this doesn't work out. I feel like having other people know makes me even more anxious- I don't know why. I know it doesn't have any bearing on whether or not this baby stays with us. But I feel like now that the world knows, somehow things are more dangerous.

I'm irritated with myself I guess too. I haven't been "careful" enough. It's not that hard to find this blog. I also have posted a handful of posts on a pregnancy board- mostly because I've been so anxious and wanted reassurance. One is a board for people who are pregnant after having losses. I used my standard handle, and an acquaintance from college contacted me because she saw my posts there- she's 11w after having had 2 m/c. I told myself that the only people who would be reading the board would be others in my place (which is what I've told myself about this blog), but clearly if I didn't want others to know I should have kept my mouth (or I guess my keyboard) shut.

Annoyed. I guess that's what I get for being too much of a 'sharer'. :(

A bit tardy

Sorry for not updating! I've been lazy for most of the day and then taught a class this evening.

I am officially past 12 weeks. Today the nurse started by looking for baby down near my pubic bone, since that's where she found the heartbeat last week. After I started to have heart palpitations, she reminded me to take a deep breath and relax because that sucker is really little and can be hard to find. But find it she did- now to the left and a bit below my belly button. The nurse has decided it must be a girl by the heartbeat and the fact that she "hides".

So all is good. I took the good news as an opportunity to do some online shopping for clothes. Gap, Old Navy, and a couple tops on sale from Motherhood. I should be good for a while... (Why does my head always asterisk those comments with "assuming all progresses well"....?)

Sooooo cranky.

I have been super mopey and cranky the last few days.

I feel unattractive (which I've been trying to counter with copious amounts of eyeliner), unproductive, and unlikable. III has seemed kind of cranky too (though his always is in a more understated way) which makes me feel like he's not liking me very much. Of course, it's been over a week since we last had sex, and that usually makes him cranky. Men.

Is this normal? Am I just being hormonal? WTF is my problem????

The last two days I've had some crampiness too. Nothing terrible... but you know me. I worry. When it's been at it's worst, it's usually followed by a poop. Imagine that.

Nothing fits me right now. I actually tried to go shop for some maternity clothes. Fail. First of all... everything I found was ugly or totally not my style. (Well, except for two shirts. I bought them.) Second of all, the Gap maternity by me is a handful of racks in the back of a baby Gap. So as I'm trying on clothes (and feeling like a fraud. Who am I to think I should be buying maternity clothes???) I'm listening to peoples' children scream their heads off. Awesome.

I did have some success with bras. I originally bought 2 at VS, which I didn't love and came to a total of $90. For real? For bras??? Lame. Then I did some online research and found that while I don't usually fit the body type that Lane Bryant caters to, I do fit the boob type. So I bought FOUR bras there for just ten percent more than I bought the two at VS. Needless to say, I returned those two. I usually wear a 36D and bought 38DD. I'm a little concerned that those will eventually be too small as well, but I really needed something.

As of yesterday I am twelve weeks. I've been fighting with myself over the last two weeks or so to say "I am X weeks" instead of "I would be X weeks, assuming everything is still alive." But in my head, I'm not always as successful. Though I heard the heartbeat just four days ago, I can't help thinking "I am twelve weeks IF everything is still okay." I'll know for sure tomorrow. Heartbeat scan first thing in the morning. Maybe then I can stop worrying about my achey crampy abdomen. Maybe then I can stop being so damn cranky. :-/

Still pregnant

I saw the nurse at my doctor's office first thing this morning. She was able to find the heartbeat way down low near my pubic bone. It measured around 160. My next appointment is on tuesday. At that point I will be 12 weeks.

On Anxiety

As my last ultrasound gets further away, I get progressively more anxious. As I mentioned, my OB told me I could come in whenever I needed/wanted to, but even that makes me anxious. I've felt nervous about even calling to talk to the admin staff about making an appointment.

Yesterday, I had my consult with the psychopharmacologist, Dr. F. It lasted almost an hour and a half! I really liked her- she was clearly very knowledgeable and experienced. The practice she works in is also very collaborative and keeps up with all the studies around psych meds and pregnancy.

I know that many people don't think a woman should take any meds, and especially psych meds, when pregnant. If you are one of those people, then I respect that choice for YOU. However, I have no doubt that my level of anxiety and it's accompanying physical symptoms are bad for my baby. This is something I was strongly aware of just on my own, and its why I asked my OB about it. Both she and this Dr. F confirmed that. Dr. F also discussed with me the possibility of more severe anxiety after the baby is born.

Dr. F felt that I should continue with my prozac, and that down the line we may even want to increase it. She also gave me a prescription for klonopin, to take when I am having acute anxiety or in the middle of a panic attack. She took quite a bit of time covering all of the studies around pregnancy and the potential effects of each of these drugs on a baby, as well as studies about the pre and post natal effects of untreated anxiety and depression on babies. She prepared me for comments I might hear from people, even nurses and other medical professionals, who do not know the specifics of my situation and/or as much about the studies around these meds.

Finally, she suggested that I take my OB up on the offer to have regular heartbeat scans- she suggested twice a week. She felt that not only would it ease my mind, but that it would make the visits to the OB more routine for me, which would hopefully ease my anxiety around the anticipation of each visit. This made me feel more like it was okay to call to make an appointment- like there was further validation by having this doctor "prescribe" more appointments. Despite this, I was still anxious to actually make the call, but I did (and it was obviously fine and pretty easy) and I have an appointment with a nurse first thing tomorrow morning. (And, as a testament to my crazy brain, all I can think about is that I hope there is a heartbeat and not loss. Will this kind of thinking ever stop???)

I am relieved to have something to help me. The thought of the ongoing anxiety and imminent panic attacks made me even more anxious than I already was. I hope that not only will her suggestions help me, but that as I get further in my pregnancy that my anxiety will decrease.

Yogaing it.

Thanks for all of your input on the anxiety, therapy, and exercise. I think I am going to call L- she actually periodically meets clients at my RE's office, so since I'm not working full time I'm going to see if her schedule there works with mine. It's half the drive that it is to her other office. But if not I'm going to go see her, at least a couple of times even if I have to drive the length.

I have an appointment with the psychopharmacologist. I've said this before- I know I am sooooo lucky to have such great insurance coverage for all of this infertility stuff, but I have to tell you that it doesn't come easily. I had to call for approval on this appointment, and by the time I talked to the fourth person at the insurance company I was in tears. That might have benefited me, though, because he gave me my approval pretty quickly at that point! :) So now that's set too.

I asked my doctor about exercise, and they felt that the prenatal yoga was a good idea. I used to do 60-90 minutes of hot power yoga pretty regularly, and though I've fallen out of habit I have still gone a handful of times in the last six months and been able to jump back into the routine pretty well. As I mentioned in a previous post, the yoga I had tried was less than I desired and pretty boring. I purchased this DVD. It got mixed reviews on Am.azon, but I decided to give the short version a try. I did the half hour practice today and it was perfect. Definitely more what I'm used to, but with modifications. I could see how it would be too much for someone who is not experienced with vinyasa yoga. I'm not an expert by any means, but not a beginner either. So as an "intermediate" yogi, this DVD was perfect for me. It has a 45 minute practice as well if I want a little more, and a 15 minute one for those days when I'm just not feeling very motivated. I'm hoping this will help with both my fatigue and my anxiety, as well as helping me to have more of a schedule (I'm thinking wake up, breakfast, Ellen and then yoga. :) )and get some necessary exercise.

Based on my OB's EDD for me, I will be eleven weeks tomorrow. My warped brain wants to add "That is, if the heart is still beating..." but I'm trying to ignore that voice and just get through the next ten days until my next scheduled ultrasound. I do know that if I need to, I can go in to see my OB, but I feel like each visit causes such a level of anxiety that I need to find a happy medium- enough visits to keep me assured but not so many that I'm having regular panic attacks, if that makes sense.

Finally, I wanted to share what my adorable husband told me. The day after my appointment, he came home from work. He said hello to the dogs, as usual, and then to me. Then he came over, put his hand on my stomach and said "Hello little person!" He told me that he's decided to be positive about this pregnancy. That if something goes wrong, it's going to suck either way, but that if all goes well, he doesn't want to look back and feel like we didn't enjoy and appreciate the pregnancy. He told me he thought I should think that way too, but he realizes that my "brain doesn't work that way."

I'm glad he is taking that role. As much as I agree with him, I just am not ready yet. Somehow I feel like getting bad news when unprepared for it is harder than when I am. I'm not sure that make sense, as my way is definitely harder along the way... *sigh* Probably something to discuss in therapy!!!

Therapy

Along with getting a psychopharm consult, my OB wants me to go back to therapy. Probably not a bad idea... and it's not like I don't have the time.

Now the question is where to go...

She gave me some recs, but you may or may not remember I was in therapy for a while with a therapist (A) I liked for my general anxiety. It was she who recommended trying meds in the first place. III and I also saw a therapist (L) together in the spring who was recommended by my IVF clinic. We really liked her and she's worked extensively with people with infertility.

So... where to go? My initial thought was to go back to L since we saw her most recently. But her office is 40-45 minutes from my house. When III and I were going together, it wasn't too bad because it was "together time" but I know I'll hate the drive on my own. So then I was thinking I'd go back to A, as it's half the drive. But over night I flipped back to L since she has so much experience with infertility. One of the OB's recommendations is the next town over from me... but I am really not sure I want to start with someone new.

What do you think? Is the drive worth dealing with someone who has a lot of infertility experience?

All is well

I started crying as soon as the PA came in to take my blood pressure.*

So they sent the NP in immediately to do an u/s. First we saw the fetus- we could see the shape of it's head clearly. I sobbed as it took her a full thirty seconds or so to find the heartbeat.

But she did.

You'd think that would calm me down. But it didn't. I continued to cry for the whole ten minutes I was with the NP and then through most of my time with my OB.

They told me I could come in for an u/s whenever I needed/wanted to, even if it was "every other day." They would usually have me come in next in a month, but scheduled me for an NP u/s in two weeks- told me to call if I wanted to come in next week too. I have to think about it, but my anxiety is at its worst when I have an appointment within the next 12 hours. So while I may worry that the little creature in my belly might be dead, it's the worst right before I get to find out if my worry is warranted.

Speaking of anxiety- they also referred me to a psychopharmacologist. My anxiety levels are not normal, even for what I've gone through. Apparently you are not supposed to have a full on anxiety attack every time you are driving in for an OB appointment.

So. I am officially ten weeks pregnant. I have an official due date of September 4th. And I am reminded that I LOVE my OB. And have learned that I love her staff as well. Fourteen days until my next u/s... (Unless I change my mind.)

*III was not able to come with me to the appointment after all, so that didn't help...

OB-phobia

I'm really nervous to go to my OB tomorrow.

Obviously, I'm nervous about getting bad news. How can I not be? But I'm also just nervous about GOING. The last time I was there was a year and a half ago when she couldn't find a heartbeat with her ancient u/s machine. When she had to send me across the street to the creepy u/s doc who confirmed our miscarriage. The last time I saw her was the next day when she performed my D&C.

I remember sitting in her waiting room forever before hand, because she always makes a point to spend as much time as necessary with each patient, which then backs up her appointments. Thinking about doing it again tomorrow, but with a year and a half (and two miscarriages worth) of extra baggage makes me want to throw up.

My appointment is at noon (last time was at 4) so I'm hoping there will be less of a wait. Also, III is going to try to come as well. I don't know how many husbands come to a 10w appointment, but every time I've been surprised with bad news I've been on my own. So I'm glad I'll have him there.

I hope I can sleep tonight. As nervous as I am, I'm afraid I won't be able to turn off my brain.

At least at this time tomorrow we'll know what's what...

Award for meeeeee!!!!

I recently got comments from three different people saying they had named me for an award on their blog! Infertile Farmer and SLESE1014 at Fertility Frustration both awarded me the same award. (Jenny also commented that she had given me an award, but Jenny! I am unable to access your blog from your profile! Let me know where you are!)*

The award stated:

The rules for accepting the award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person/people who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 7/15 other bloggers. (They each had a different number, but I'm going to go with 7 because I'm a little overwhelmed by choosing 15!)
4. Contact those bloggers to tell them about the award.

So here we go...

1) I have ten piercings. Nine of them are in my ears. My favorite one is my most recent, a forward helix.
2) I was given a yellow teddy bear when I was 6 months old. I still sleep with it.
3) I used to be a book-a-holic. I'd read in the car, in the grocery store (holding on to the cart as my mom pushed it) and under my desk at school. My mother would punish me when I was naughty by sending me to her room because all of my books were in my room. (I still love to read, but don't do so nearly as much.)
4) When I was in my late twenties, the one part of my body I was never happy with was my stomach. Now I'd kill to have that stomach back again. It was rockin', if I do say so myself!
5) I would love to travel to Greece, especially the islands, but III doesn't like to travel out of the US.
6) I used to be very frugal- I literally counted my pennies. Since getting married, I have been able to relax in that area, but sometimes I miss it because it was a source of pride to me that I was successful at it.
7) In the last few years, I've become fascinated with the idea of reincarnation and past lives. If one has a soul mate, I truly believe that KB is mine. This season on Grey's, Meridith said "Derek is the love of my life, but Cristina is my soul mate." That's exactly how I feel about III and KB.

So there you go! That was harder than I thought! LOL.

The 7 bloggers that award...

1) Kakuuna at Through My Eyes
2) LisainSK at WANTED: One good embryo
-both of these ladies are loyal readers and commenters on my blog! Thanks for sticking with me!
3) JC at Steps to Baby. JC has hit that point in the last couple of months that many of us hit, where this whole process has become overwhelming. She is pushing through, though, and exploring adoption while figuring out where she stands in the IF journey.
4) Jen at Maybe if you just relax has been through more than her share recently. But she continues to post her witty commentary on her experiences and say F-YOU to the shittiness of infertility and loss.
5) The Infertile Gynecologist is a new read for me. She gives a VERY interesting perspective on this whole thing. And if you think your life has you surrounded by pregnancy and babies... whoooo. I don't know how she does it!
6) Cece at Child Bearing Hips is a fellow boxer lover. :) She has a great attitude, even after infertility and unexpected, unexplained loss.
7) And of course, Frenchie at Miss Inconceivability. One of the first IF blogs I found, and still one of my favorites. After dealing with difficulties of infertility, success with adoption, surprise pregnancy, and that another surprise pregnancy that ended in a loss, she is now navigating some of the more difficult parts of parenthood.

Thanks to those of you who awarded me! And for my loyal readers, and those of you who continue blogging so that we all feel like there are others out there who understand what we are dealing with. xo

*As a very successful and practiced Google-stalker, I was able to track Jenny down at Try Try Again. (I did an advanced search in the past week for my blog name + award specifically on blogspot.com.) Does that make me creepy? Regardless, thanks Jenny!

1st pregnancy purchase (this time)

In our second spare room (which is my "office", or if you ask III, my "mess") there is a pile. It is a pile of the very few pregnancy/baby things that I acquired in my previous short lived pregnancies. There is a book that I purchased when I was obsessing over symptoms and then some books and a blanket that were given to me by others. I also have 2 pairs of pregnancy pants and 3 bella bands, all which I bought in my last pregnancy when I was hella bloated.

I have been hesitant to buy anything for a few reasons- I didn't want to be left with reminders if the pregnancies didn't work out. (Which obviously they didn't. It's why it's all hidden away in a closet.) I guess if I'm being honest, there was also a bit of superstition. I'm not superstitions generally, but something about this process makes "tempting fate" seem a lot more realistic.

I haven't purchased anything this pregnancy. I have peeked at a book or two about particular symptoms and issues, but for the most part they've stayed hidden away. My last appointment and u/s put me just further than I got with any other pregnancy. My next u/s is four days away.

So today I made my first pregnancy purchase for this pregnancy. I haven't really been working out. I worked out all summer to lose ten pounds, but then in the fall I caught a cold and got out of the workout habit. I haven't picked it back up, in part because 'they' say not to start a new exercise regiment when you're pregnant. I don't know if it counts as "new" if you were doing it and just took a 2 month break. LOL But I have been so tired and lethargic. I'm hoping that a bit of exercise would help give me more energy, but the weather has kept me from being able to do anything outside, like walking the dogs. Today I tried a prenatal yoga video on demand. It was very stretching but overall boring. (I have done hot vinyasa yoga when not pregnant, though I also fell out of habit with that as well.) They also kept talking about "connecting with your baby" through your breathing, and I am definitely NOT there yet. I have not been willing to talk about/think about "my baby" yet. It's my pregnancy for now (I'm barely even to identify it as that) and I certainly hope it will become my baby.

But anyway. I did a little research, and I just purchased two prenatal DVDs that seem to be a little more up my alley. One is a vinyasa prenatal yoga, which is more vigorous according to the reviews, but I feel like I can do my own modifications, even if my "modifications" are taking a break or fast forwarding through certain parts. :) I also ordered a prenatal pilates video. I used to be big in pilates, but it's been a while. I'm excited to see how the DVDs are and maybe get back into a bit of a routine. I will ask my OB about it when I see her on Monday as well.

So hopefully my new purchase won't trigger any sort of bad luck... not that I believe in all of that... but at this point, I feel like I can't be too careful...

UPDATED- of course, just over an hour after this purchase, I went to administer one of my daily doses of endrometrin and found I'm having some spotting. *sigh* Of course, spotting is not abnormal, especially while taking vaginal suppositories... but as we all know, it's unnerving. Damn.

Coming out to the 'rents

I've told my parents very little about what has been going on with us around our infertility and treatments. There are a lot of reasons for that... one being that, for some reason, I've always been kind of private and guarded about what I tell my parents. Maybe because they are such TALKERS. Everything was always a discussion. And my dad just is not always very tactful. And my mom has an un-treated anxiety disorder, so that is just stressful. We live halfway across the country from each other, too, so it is a lot of effort to deal with their questions and concerns during our once a week phone calls...

I realized this weekend that I hadn't spoken to them on the phone for a while, so I gave them a call. We got to talking and it eventually led to talking about insurance, which led to talking about my treatments. I realized just how little I've told them about the last three years. So I did some sharing.

I explained our diagnosis and what we have to go through with each cycle. I explained to them that we were in one of the few states where our treatments are covered, and just how much it would cost if it didn't. I didn't tell them about my miscarriages or my current 'status'. But... they may know about at least the former. They said they had heard some stuff from various family members- my aunt (who's daughter I told everything because she will shortly begin IVF treatments) and my sister, who knows quite a bit more than they do, though not as much, for example, as KB. That last part irritated me. When I did share with my sister, I told her "I haven't told mom and dad most of this so don't mention it to them." She said "Oh, I understand, and I wouldn't; it's not my place." So much for that! When I told III, he said "Are you really surprised by that?" But anyway. I digress.

I told them, "I haven't meant to leave you out of things or keep things from you. It's just hard- we just don't always want to talk about it. The more you share with people, the more they feel entitled to know- not you, just in general. If we lived closer, maybe it would be different, but we're just trying to protect ourselves the best we can. And you guys worry!" Dad interjects- "We don't worry!" "Mom worries!"

They said it was okay, and they understood. I also told them "Sister tells everyone the minute she's pregnant. I'm not mad, but she's lucky and doesn't realize she's just lucky. She told me 'We told our friends because they'd all be supportive if something happened.' It's not about being supportive. It's about having to talk about it with all of those people whether you want to or not."

So. Now they have more of an idea (directly from the source, at least) about what we're dealing with. I don't know why it's so uncomfortable for me to share it with them. A big part of it is definitely that I don't to have them obsessing over it all from far away when there's nothing they can do to help. Maybe I should be letting them make that decision, but... like I said to them. At this point, it's mostly about self preservation...