ICLW fail

I totally sucked at ICLW this month.

I didn't not do my daily comments every day.

I could give some excuses, but when it comes down to it, I just didn't do it.

(I've been terrible about responding to texts on my phone and returning friends' calls too, lately...)

So anyway- if you found me from ICLW or are reading after the fact- sorry!

Ultrasound

I didn't sleep at all last night. I kept waking up, thinking it must be like 4am, but it was only one hour past the last time I woke up. (Which at one point was obviously 4am, but that was only the time preceding 3am... anyway.)

I spent the entire drive to the RE (which took twice as long as usual because apparently no one knows how to drive when there is a dusting of snow) having a quiet anxiety attack. Full on.

Luckily there was no one ahead of me in the u/s list. As we went in, the u/s tech asked me "have you had any trouble or is this just routine?" I wanted to ask "Routine??? What is that???" But instead I told her that we'd had two miscarriages so we were nervous.

So I was relieved when she told us immediately that she saw a heartbeat. She showed us our blob and this time I could clearly see the little flicker of the heart. It was beating at 174 bpm and measuring 8w2d. Apparently that's all perfect.

I'm terrified to report to you that Dr. Z released me to my OB. I love my OB, but it's not the RE, where we are now very familiar (us to them and them to us). Plus I hate the u/s process there- across the street in a different office with the Dr. I don't really like. (The one who broke the news to me on my first loss.)

But I guess you have to move on. It's part of these steps we're taking, right? I called to make the appointment, and you have to leave a voice mail with your name, phone number, and the date of your last period. Seriously? What IF knows the date of her last period? Don't you silly OB office people know? We don't measure by periods. We measure by e2 levels and egg retrievals and dpdts. I know I'm 8w1d based on my retrieval. Dr. Z tells me my due date is 9/3. But LMP? No idea.

So today is a good day. I'm sure I'll start freaking out again soon, but for now... so far so good.

Hanging in there...

22 hours to u/s. I'm nervous. Nothing points to a bad outcome at this point- I haven't had bleeding, I still feel queasy, and I'm exhausted. But past experience is enough to make me so anxious. Luckily, III will be going with me. With the exception of our very last u/s, every bad news u/s I've been on my own. As I shared in a recent comment, I don't know which is worse- hearing the news or having to call and share it with III over the phone.

I did pretty much nothing all weekend. I'm sleeping 11-12 hours a night and am in bed twelve hours later for the night. I still have this cold that arrived just before new years... Dr. Z had told me that the progesterone encourages mucous production, so that is why my cold was so bad. I still am stuffy at night, all nastily congested in the morning, and coughing. Ugh.

I have to work tonight, but would really like to just stay in bed all day. I'm contemplating heading back to bed for a while. I haven't been to the animal shelter in over a month, and had though I might go today, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. If tomorrow's appointment goes well, maybe I'll head over afterwards.

I've been wanting to post about my insurance issues, but just haven't gotten around to it. I finally got my money from April's cycle and want to share how... But not today. For now, I think I need a cup of tea and a nap. ;)

ICLW

ICLW is here! I'm not a regular participator, but this is my third or fourth time, and I enjoy reading new blogs and "meeting" new readers to mine.

I am tentatively pregnant after my fourth IVF. You can read a much more detailed history about my treatments, losses, and surgeries on my TTC history page.

Looking forward to the week- hearing from other commenters and reading your blogs. :)

Craptastic

According to my retrieval date, I am 7w3d today.

As I've mentioned, I've decided it's impossible to NOT obsess over symptoms or lack of particular symptoms.

The nausea that I had with my last pregnancy I don't this time. On one hand, that's great. I don't do well with puke. On the other... well, you know. I'm not feeling great, though. I just kind of feel... ick. Queasy I guess. I am tired all the time. I feel like a total slug. I worry that III is irritated that I am sleeping so often and getting so little done. I wonder if the fact that I am able to sleep more this time is making the queasiness/nausea better that it would be. That all sounds very rational, doesn't it? In my head, I worry that the lack of nausea means something bad. On the other hand, the fact that I'm not feeling great makes me worry that something is bad.

You hear about nausea and morning sickness all the time... is it normal just to feel ... blah? Ick? Crap?

I also feel a little.... depressed. That could be related to the fatigue. It could be related to my ever-present anxiety. It could have to do with the fact that it's January... every winter I get those blues related to the cold and the dark. I guess when you throw all three together, it makes sense.

So we plod along, one day at a time. Waiting for the next appointment, which is Tuesday. I'm nervous about everything about that appointment. I'm nervous that my u/s will be bad. I'm worried that if my u/s is good, that I'll be released to my OB- that worries me because then I worry that when I get to my first OB appointment, like the last time, they will have to send me across the street to the u/s doctor who will tell me that history is repeating itself...

So much worry. So much uncertainty. A recent comment reminded me of the Confucius quote, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." It's true... and we've been making these steps... the only problem is, we are hyper-aware of previous journeys where we took that first step but had our journey aborted far too early.

Next hurdle complete...

Today's u/s measured 6w1d (based on my retrieval I should be 6w4d but the PA didn't seem concerned about the discrepancy) and had a heartbeat of 107. There was no hematoma this time, so there is no specific explanation for the bleeding... but everything is looking so far so good.

We are relieved and pleased, but we have been here twice before. The next u/s is scheduled for 1/25. If we count from my retrieval, that will make me 8w1d. We lost both of the other pregnancies at about 8w (though the second started going downhill before that), so I think III and I kind of feel like that's a big one.

Even if that goes well, we have a long way to go. But we continue to try to take it one step at a time.

More

I'm having some more bleeding and cramping tonight. I wish i'd been able to have my u/s- at least then we'd know one way or the other....

Oh snow.

Big storm is predicted for tomorrow, so Dr. Z's assistant called me about changing my appointment. There is an upside- a few days more means that it's less likely to be too early to see a heartbeat. I also have to work at 10, so now I don't have to worry about being late to work. The downsides are a) I have to wait another two days! and b) Dr. Z won't be in on Friday so I'll be seeing the PA. I like her, but if it's bad news I'd rather talk to Dr. Z afterwards.

So, Friday. Back to three days to u/s....

Obsessed

I think it is nearly impossible for a woman in her first trimester (especially a woman who has worked so hard to become pregnant) not to obsess about pregnancy symptoms (or lack of).

In my previous 2 pregnancies, 6w is where I started having some nausea and smell issues. Today, none of that. I am, however, POOPED. I slept for most of the day yesterday. Today I am working at my retail job, and three hours into my shift I'm exhausted, shaky, and just icky feeling.* I've had a doozy of a cold for the last 9 days or so (Dr. Z said it's made worse by the progesterone which encourages mucous production) so I'm not sure how much is that and how much could be pregnancy stuff.

My boobs definitely hurt. Like Whoa. I know that's a big part progesterone, but they hurt more in the last two days than they have before.

Bleeding has stopped. Spotting here and there, but some of that I think is residual that comes with the progesterone discharge. (yum)

I wonder which hormones cause symptoms, or if it is a mix of all of them. Dr. Z purposely kept my levels lower this time by slowing down my meds. Obviously this doesn't affect the HCG, but my estrogen was lower and my progesterone was lower (but still well in the normal range).

I guess we'll know more on Wednesday. Two more wake ups to ultrasound...

*I'm on my break right now and just ate an orange and some potato chips, so I'm hoping that will help. Trying to keep up the water intake as well.

And now for the bleeding...

There is a certain type of cramping I've gotten with each pregnancy.

It's in the lower middle of my abdomen, kind of towards the front. It is exactly where my lowermost scar is from my myomectomy. It is sharper than most of the other cramping I feel on and off. It only lasts for a little while.

By now, I know that when I feel it, I should expect some bleeding within an hour. Today was no exception.

I'm trying to be as zen as possible about it. I know that most women have some cramping during their first trimester. I know that 20-25% of successful pregnancies had bleeding in the first trimester. I know that with both my previous pregnancies I had a subchorionic hematoma, which likely caused the bleeding. (If you have a SCH with previous pregnancies, are you more prone to having them again?) Maybe this shouldn't reassure me, considering I lost both of those pregnancies, but before the losses two separate doctors assured me that a SCH is very common and generally normal and benign.

Tomorrow, I will be 6w. Two days and a wake up to our u/s. I saw Dr. Z last week for my post op, and he said that we have "optimized everything we can" for this cycle.

III and I were talking tonight about how we are trying our best to not stress/worry about things this time- to just let them happen- but that it is very hard. How can we not? And, as III said, even if we find that things are fine, we have a long way to go...

Time for some delurkin'

Did you know that this week is International Blog Delurking Week?

Mel says so.

Over the last week, I've received lots of comments, congrats, and support, not only from my regular commenters, but from readers I didn't know I had!!! I definitely want to thank all of you for 'delurking' to support me. :)

In honor of Delurking week, please say hi! Even if you have commented before, or are a regular commenter, say hi too! If you have a blog, I'd love to check it out so feel free to add that, or if you don't want to post it publicly you can send me an email through my profile.

<3>

Fear

My first u/s will be on the 12th. 6w2d.

I am dreading every step of at least the next three weeks. If we get to 8w, (the time at which I had both my miscarriages) I anticipate continuing to fear each and every step.

Even if I wasn't a chronic worrier (which I am) or didn't have an anxiety disorder (which I do), I suspect everything we have been through would leave me feeling this way anyway.

Today my worry is the poking ache I am feeling on the right side. My mind goes directly to thoughts of ectopic pregnancy.

In fact, I have a whole list in my head of fears that I have- things that can go wrong, from 5w to 40w.

• Empty sac
• Slow heartbeat
• No heartbeat
• Ectopic pregnancy
• Hematoma
• Bleeding
• Miscarriage
• Missed miscarriage
• Pre-eclampsia
• Incompetent cervix
• Uterine infection
• Placenta previa
• Pre-term labor
• Placental abruption
• Fetal death

There are some I didn't type out because I don't remember what they are called, and others that aren't there because I don't know about them. Good or bad? I'm not sure. And of course, the times that the bad happens and no one can tell you why.

The next week and a half is going to be a tough one. But it is potentially nothing compared to what is coming...