Possibly the worst part...

There are a lot of really shitty parts about dealing with infertility...

But this one, to me, is one of the worst.

I am finding it hard to be happy for pregnant people. Not just that, but there is some serious bitch going on inside of my head.

My sister is eight and a half weeks pregnant. I was IMing with her yesterday. She had told me weeks ago on the day she got her positive HPT. It is only here that I will make the horrible admission that I was just the teensiest bit disappointed to hear that her 8w u/s went well. Isn't that the worst thing you've ever heard???? Not that I was hoping for her to miscarry... NOT AT ALL. But to hear how everything is going perfectly makes me want to punch a whole in the wall while screaming "WHY EVERYONE BUT ME?????" She got her IUD out on 8/18 and She had said to me "I might have trouble- I know a lot of people who have trouble the second time around." Yeah, whatever. She got her period 9/4 and then got pregnant right away.

I'm also bitchy about the fact that she claims she had symptoms beginning at 3.5 weeks. Okay, if you say so. I told her the embryo had likely not even implanted yet, and she said "I know, but it causes all sorts of hormone stuff before you can even test." Oh, okay, expert.* Actually, no. That's why you can't test. The progesterone that is causing your boobs to feel sore would be there anyway.

Then she says "Is there a reason your asking?" I thought she was calling me on my patronizing big-sister shit, but she was actually thinking I was asking her for symptom advice because I was possibly pregnant. :( No, but thanks for the positive thoughts since I clearly can't do it myself. *sigh* I told her I was fully aware of what early pregnancy symptoms felt like since I'd done it twice.

I told her a bit about our insurance stuff and how costly our cycle would be without it. Then she asked if we had considered "other alternatives". I said "Insurance doesn't pay for adoption either." Then she asked about donor sperm. I wanted to ask her how her husband would feel about using someone else's sperm to make 'his' baby.** Instead, I told her that my doctor doesn't think we need to.

I hate that I hate that my sister can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I hate that she's kind of smug about it. I hate that she feels sorry for me. I hate that my sense is to be defensive when she actually is trying to be nice. I hate that I know this is hard for her because she really wants me to get pregnant too and feels bad that we aren't.

Hate, hate, hate, hate. Fuck you, infertility.

*Clearly, I am not an "expert" either. And I might be full of shit. But I do feel like I have more insight into the whole process than average super-fertile women like my lucky as shit sister.
**No offense to anyone who has gone this route. We're lucky that we've been told we shouldn't need to. I say it this way because I know it is one of the huge parts of making that decision for many men, including III if we did have to.

Right now they ARE my babies!

With Halloween coming up this weekend, I ordered costumes online for my two dogs.

When they got here, I put them on my dogs and, using treats for bribery, took some photos of them.

I posted a photo of the two of them on my facebook page. An aunt (who while she may not know the specific details, knows we've had "trouble" ttc) commented: "You have too much time on your hands!"

Really? Is that what you are going to tell my sister when she posts pictures of her two year old in his costume? Is that what you will tell the parents who bring their kids in their fifty dollar costumes trick or treating to your door?

Oh, and for the record? If we finally DO get pregnant and have babies, I probably will STILL take pictures of my dogs in costume at Halloween. Maybe I'll even buy a matching one for the kid.

My li.bido is missing in action.

I feel bad for III.

Last night he wanted to. I didn't. He was nice about it... but said he feels like he's getting a bit of a complex because I'm so rarely "in the mood".

I used to have a pretty healthy s.ex drive. Lately.... I could take it or leave it. When III wants to, if he initiates I usually can get going fine. But if he doesn't initiate... I'm happy to curl up and go to sleep.

Last night as we talked I told him that I just feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I hate to think what I'd be like right now if I wasn't taking my prozac...

This week seems to be especially difficult. I'm just blue. I'm hoping it's pms. If it is I feel like it's come early. But if it is, that means I'll feel better in a few days.

I hope.

Anyway.

Sometimes things fall into place.

While I had mixed feelings on taking a leave of absence this year from my teaching job, I also felt like I needed it. Part of my plan was to explore some of my other interests. I'm working at a store that sells paper and craft goods part time. It's really fun to be able to use some of my creative talents and see what others are doing. I also plan to volunteer at the local animal shelter. I attended my first orientation and will be having my first "training session" soon.

Something else I had considered was leaving the middle school to teach high school. I love eighth graders, but there are things about middle school that are wearing. I also was excited about possibly teaching higher level math.

Last week, I got a call from a friend who teaches high school. A teacher she works with who was pregnant with twins after fertility treatments tragically had her water break at 22 weeks. :( They were wondering if I could cover two of her classes each morning for a while.

I don't know this woman, but I am so, so sad for her. That is every expectant mother's worst nightmare, and especially for those of us who have gone through so much to get pregnant. But it is a great opportunity for me to "try out" the high school. Since it did happen, I am also sure it gives her the comfort of knowing she can stay home and heal while her "kids" are being taught by someone who knows what she's doing. (A lot of times in a situation like this, a sub is brought in who doesn't know the curriculum.)

So I've gone from having nothing to do to being pretty busy! I teach from 7:30-10am and then either come home or go to work at the store. Of course, that means I've come down with a cold and have been running low all week...

Drama from my cousin's upcoming wedding, in which I am a bridesmaid*, is adding to a bit of stress, but I'm confident that in the next few weeks things will settle down again and I'll be able to analyze how I feel about my various new experiences.

My next appointment with Dr. Z is 11/1. It was supposed to be this past Thursday, but was scheduled for 9:30, so when I agreed to teach at the high school I rescheduled. I'm expecting my period around 11/4 or 5... Ideally, if we're doing a frozen cycle next that will be enough time to get going for a November transfer.

Oh, and insurance update- it turns out I CAN go back on my insurance with school (even before this PT high school thing happened), and they even are allowing me to bypass COBRA since on a leave of absence I'm technically still employed by the school system. It will cost us around $7000 for the year to pay for my insurance, but ONE fresh IVF cycle for us costs $22,000 (I gathered all my bills and receipts from the last cycle and did the math) so it is definitely the best option.

I've been bad about posting, though as usual I often have posts in my head that I plan to write out and then don't. I'll definitely update after we see Dr. Z. Thanks for those of you who have stuck with me. :)

*On that note, I'm trying to choose shoes to wear with my floor length brown satin bridesmaid dress. I've fallen in love with a red pair of suede shoes. Red shoes have been okayed by the bride. Can one wear suede and satin together? Thoughts?

Bothered.

I'm feeling very bothered this week that we don't have a baby.

Bothered seems to be the best word for it right now.

I don't know why now any more than usual.

Maybe it's because my sister told me she's pregnant with her second. After trying for one month. And she told us and my parents and her in laws when she was a whopping 4 weeks. It bothers me that she gets to be so naive about it.

Maybe it's because, now that she has two, KB is finding it harder to be social. She really wants to see me, but it has to be around nap times and pre-school and sleepless nights with an infant. I don't resent it, but I do feel guilty because I don't always feel like driving to her or scheduling around her kids. (As much as I love them. We went for ice cream the other day, and Miss M climbed into my lap and my heart almost burst with love. Maybe that's part of it too.)

Maybe it's my internal struggle around T's loss of her husband. It's terrible and I hurt so much for her, because I can't imagine losing III. But there is also a voice in my head that says "At least they got to be parents together." And that makes me feel guilty.

Maybe it's that our anniversary is on Thursday. Four years married, three years trying and over two years of ART. Still no baby. Last year around this time I posted "Here's hoping that by our next anniversary, we will be looking forward to an impending birth- or possibly even celebrating a recent one." But we're not. Here we are, in the same place we were then.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the voice echoing in my head: "It's not fair."

Lonely tonight.

As I mentioned this weekend, III is away for work.

There are days when I'm so tired of living with someone else. Times when I get sick of putting up with his schedule and his moods.

But I'm lonely without him.

T's husband, B, died yesterday.

The combination of those things remind me that the annoying stuff and the crappy days are worth it for the good days and the love I feel for and receive from III.

My loneliness is alleviated somewhat by my dogs. I LOVE my pups. I mentioned to III last week that I am not sure how I would have made it through the last two years of infertility stuff without them. Their unconditional love combined with my ability to... well, baby them... I feel like I would feel so empty without that.

So I guess tonight I am reminded of the things in my life I have to feel grateful for.

(Would it ruin the sentiment to say I'm also grateful for Glee tonight? Keeping me entertained? And for sauvignon blanc? Because... it's yummy. And for spellcheck in blogger, because otherwise I would have misspelled "alleviate"? And for peanut butter cookies sent to me as a surprise by my old roommate, even though they aren't on my "diet" (Thanks, K!!!!)? I hope not... because I am...)

Vulnerability

When III and I were just barely engaged, we were on our way to the grocery store when I had a meltdown. I can't remember the specifics, but I do remember telling him "I just feel really vulnerable." He told me "Of course you are. So am I. That's what happens when you love someone."

It's one of things I don't like about being married. I feel vulnerable in so many ways. This insurance situation has brought that feeling to the forefront again. I had to rely on III to figure out some of this insurance stuff, which puts it out of my control. If we spend savings on our IVF, it makes me feel indebted to him, since it's because of his family that we have the money.

Another aspect of my vulnerability in being part of a couple has shown its face today. While III is away on a tactical assignment for his law enforcement work, which leaves me anxious for his safety, a friend of mine who lives far away is losing her husband to cancer. My heart is breaking into pieces for her and her children, but I can't ignore the pain that is brought out by my own fear of "that could happen to me!"

The mail came a good ten hours after III left today. In it, was an envelope addressed to me in III's handwriting. It was a card which on the outside said "love" and the inside said "I was born to love you."

And that's why we agree to be vulnerable and accept the chances of the pain that comes from tragedies like my friend's.

So hold your loved ones a little closer today, and please send a prayer out there for my friend, T, her husband, B and their two sweet babies.